Humor Script posted May 20, 2022


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A (VERY) Irreverent short script

Papal Fighter 2: Kremlin Kombat

by Fleedleflump


The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.

Please note, the warning is not a joke - this is all in the name of fun, but if you're easily offended, you may want to turn back.

Please see contest details for context


INT. GRUBBY BEDROOM, DIMLY LIT. 'PAPAL CHIPS' PACKETS LITTER THE FLOOR

FRANCIS sits cross-legged, hunched, an xBox controlled grasped in sweaty fingers. He stares intently at a screen displaying 'Lobby - 1/2 Participants. Invite Friend?'

FRANCIS
(mumbles) Come on, you lice-bearded loser!

His controller buzzes, making him jump, and a cheerful chirp bursts from his screen. 'New Message' reflects in his glasses.

KREM-DA-LA-KREM
(message) U rdy, noob?

FRANCIS' thumbs move in a blur on his controller.

PONTIFU_69
(message) W8ting 4U, psy. Bring it!

FRANCIS' XBOX
New player joined. Prepare to fight.

KREM-DA-LA-KREM
(message) K, but if we are 2 fight, we should B talking, and not in txt.

FRANCIS plugs his headset into his controller and adjusts the mic as though it's a gun attachment.

FRANCIS
Cocked, locked, and ready to kick your ass. Come get me, biyatch!

KIRILL
(brief static) You know not what pain you invite, mofo.

They begin a game of Streetfighter 2. It quickly becomes clear they are evenly matched.

KIRILL
Why you play with little girl? Little girl cannot win.

FRANCIS
I had to give you a fair chance. This is my weakest character. I'm far better at playing with little boys.

KIRILL
Yours was Kylie Minogue in movie. Kylie Minogue bad. Mine was Raul Julia. He was great man. Raul Julia ruled!

The bout ends with a double knockout.

FRANCIS
This game is stupid. I don't want to knock you over with lame effects. I want to tear out your spine and strangle you with the cord.

KIRILL
Yes, agree totes. Switch to Mortal Kombat so I can wear your face and make Russian dolls from your organs.

They switch games and set to, tearing into one another. FRANCIS' thumbs fly as he stares intently at the screen. They win a battle each, and begin a third.

KIRILL
Only just watch new Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I'm very disappointed. Hah! I cut your face!

FRANCIS
And I speared your balls with my weird chain hand thingy! Yeah, some things should be left as they were. And after all that time to think about a fix for her, Rory's still a winy little bint! Like, seriously?

KIRILL
I know, I know, it like 'get over your self, kid' - got you!

XBOX
(Deep voice) Take his life.

FRANCIS
That's not fair - you distracted me! (A few moments pass as his character sways, incapacitated, on screen) Well come on, then, at least finish me off.

KIRILL
Stupid controller! I forget combination for finishing move! I not like this game. Play Fortnite!

FRANCIS
With pleasure!

They boot up Fornite and join a game.

KIRILL
Why is there concert going on while we try to kill each other?

FRANCIS
You picked the game, man. Don't look for logic here. Where are you? I need to fill you full of holes in the worst way.

KIRILL
I am next to weird pink house with fireworks. Why I look like Ariana Grande? I mean, she cute, but not representative of me as head of church.

FRANCIS
You must have won her as an avatar. Is she a Twitch drop? Have you been streaming on your channel?

KIRILL
I have literally no idea what you just say. Hey, is that you?

FRANCIS
(Fires several shots, sends Ariana Grande flying backwards) You mean this guy - the walking tank wearing a cowboy hat with rosary beads hanging from his barrel? Yeah, biyatch. That's me.

KIRILL
(Fires back). Have it, mofo!

FRANCIS presses a button on his controller. Instantly, his character builds a Disney-style castle with working fireworks, flags, and parapets, and hides inside it. KIRILL'S shots bounce harmlessly from an Olaf gargoyle's face.

FRANCIS
You cannot harm me. My macros are like a shield of steel!

KIRILL
Cheating Bastardo! Stupid game. I'll show you.

A minute or so of silence passes. The game round finishes and returns to a lobby, waiting for the next one.

FRANCIS
Err, K-dude, you still there? It's only a game, buddy. No need to sulk. You kk, K?

KIRILL
(Eventually) Yes, sure. Sorry, had package at door. So, err, yes. Let us talk. You ... you have good weather there? Not too balmy?

FRANCIS
Erm, yeah not bad. How's Moscow - a bit chilly there?

KIRILL
Minus 20 degrees Celsius. Pretty mild.

FRANCIS
Want to play a different game, bud?

KIRILL
No, I happy just to chat. How ... how is Vatican? You are enjoying line management?

A sharp set of knocks on FRANCIS' door make him jump.

FRANCIS
Strange, I'm not expecting anyone.

KIRILL
Hah! That what you get for cheating macros, motherfucker!

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE DOOR
Armed police! We know you have a hostage. We're coming in, and you'd better be face down with your hands on your head and your weapon well clear.

FRANCIS
What the ... K-dude, did you SWAT me, you rancid titwank?

The door smashes inward in a shower of splinters and police rush in, yelling and brandishing machine guns.

FRANCIS
I might have known it'd be you that resorted to the guys with guns.

KIRILL
Karma, motherfucker!

FRANCIS
(Being dragged from the room.) I'll have your nuts for this! You've done it now. I'm calling in a favour. God's gonna fuck you up, man. It's World War 3, you hear me? World War 3!

XBOX
All players have left the game. Shutting down.



Pope Battle contest entry


Image by Sik-life on Pixabay.

Huge thanks to HarambeForPresident for coming up with a great contest prompt!

I had a lot of naughty fun writing this. I hope you enjoyed the read, and please forgive some of the 'gamer speak' - it's unavoidable :-).

For reference, SWATting is when online gamers call the police to say there's a hostage situation at their opponents' real life houses, so armed police turn up there. I'm not kidding. I don't know what's scarier - that it happens, or that it happens often enough, there's actually a term for it (kudos if you recognise the movie I'm referencing there).
Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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