General Fiction posted April 23, 2022 |
a true-ish story
Ermie, me, and hot cross buns!
by giraffmang
Supernatural Contest Winner
Once upon a time me and my true-to-life biological sister, Ermintrude, who shared the same mother and father as myself, visited ‘The Supernatural’ shop in Maldon, Essex, United Kingdom. It’s situated in High Street. We had a wonderful time there. They sell ladies’ fashions, jewellery and gifts which are surprisingly affordable. If you’re not in the vicinity of Maldon, Essex, you can check out some of their wares on their website – www.supernaturalshop.co.uk. I’ll bet you won’t be disappointed.
But I digress. Ermintrude and I had a whale of a time. Oh, we tried on so many shoes, slacks, hats, gloves, scarves and, of course, frocks of all descriptions! Ermintrude tried on an especially fetching summer dress. The print featured trees, long grass and dandelion clocks peppered with the ghostly wisps of gambolling rabbits. She looked delightful. Perhaps even elegant, not that I would ever tell her that.
I spotted a lovely little off the shoulder number which really accentuated my attributes. It was a light, pale orange little thing which rested just above my ankles and swished gorgeously whenever I twirled around. And I can tell you, twirl I did indeed!
“Oh my,” exclaimed Ermintrude.
“I know,” I replied, fluttering my eyelashes.
“It’s just your colour. It really brings out the colour in your beard.”
“Don’t I know it, Ermie. I think I’ll have to get it for the bash at the yacht club next weekend.”
“Indeed you should, my dear.”
And that was settled. We’d been in the shop for quite some time when the proprietor sashayed over with two glasses of sparkling wine. One for each of us.
“Why, thank you, my good man,” Ermintrude said. “So kind.”
“Not at all.”
Right at that very moment, I heard a deep rumbling, the floor and walls juddered and several items fell from the wall display and the proprietor’s face turned deathly pale.
“Are you okay?” I asked, resting a well-manicured hand on the poor man’s shoulder.
“Ah, well--”
“I say,” Ermintrude interjected, “hasn’t it got awfully cold in here?”
“By Jove, I do believe you’re right, Ermie.” I shivered.
The proprietor sunk into a nearby chair. “I can’t believe this is happening again.”
“Again?” Ermintrude inquired.
The poor man hung his head. “This time every day, there’s a terrifying rumble, gusts of wind and things fall down. I don’t know what to do!”
I spotted the twinkle in Ermintrude’s eye as she took a deep breath and stated, “You silly man. There’s a railway station right behind this shop. That’s what it is!”
“Don’t you think I thought of that! It’s been closed since 1987!”
“Hot cross buns!” exclaimed Ermintrude, and promptly fainted.
Hot cross buns, indeed.
Once upon a time me and my true-to-life biological sister, Ermintrude, who shared the same mother and father as myself, visited ‘The Supernatural’ shop in Maldon, Essex, United Kingdom. It’s situated in High Street. We had a wonderful time there. They sell ladies’ fashions, jewellery and gifts which are surprisingly affordable. If you’re not in the vicinity of Maldon, Essex, you can check out some of their wares on their website – www.supernaturalshop.co.uk. I’ll bet you won’t be disappointed.
But I digress. Ermintrude and I had a whale of a time. Oh, we tried on so many shoes, slacks, hats, gloves, scarves and, of course, frocks of all descriptions! Ermintrude tried on an especially fetching summer dress. The print featured trees, long grass and dandelion clocks peppered with the ghostly wisps of gambolling rabbits. She looked delightful. Perhaps even elegant, not that I would ever tell her that.
I spotted a lovely little off the shoulder number which really accentuated my attributes. It was a light, pale orange little thing which rested just above my ankles and swished gorgeously whenever I twirled around. And I can tell you, twirl I did indeed!
“Oh my,” exclaimed Ermintrude.
“I know,” I replied, fluttering my eyelashes.
“It’s just your colour. It really brings out the colour in your beard.”
“Don’t I know it, Ermie. I think I’ll have to get it for the bash at the yacht club next weekend.”
“Indeed you should, my dear.”
And that was settled. We’d been in the shop for quite some time when the proprietor sashayed over with two glasses of sparkling wine. One for each of us.
“Why, thank you, my good man,” Ermintrude said. “So kind.”
“Not at all.”
Right at that very moment, I heard a deep rumbling, the floor and walls juddered and several items fell from the wall display and the proprietor’s face turned deathly pale.
“Are you okay?” I asked, resting a well-manicured hand on the poor man’s shoulder.
“Ah, well--”
“I say,” Ermintrude interjected, “hasn’t it got awfully cold in here?”
“By Jove, I do believe you’re right, Ermie.” I shivered.
The proprietor sunk into a nearby chair. “I can’t believe this is happening again.”
“Again?” Ermintrude inquired.
The poor man hung his head. “This time every day, there’s a terrifying rumble, gusts of wind and things fall down. I don’t know what to do!”
I spotted the twinkle in Ermintrude’s eye as she took a deep breath and stated, “You silly man. There’s a railway station right behind this shop. That’s what it is!”
“Don’t you think I thought of that! It’s been closed since 1987!”
“Hot cross buns!” exclaimed Ermintrude, and promptly fainted.
Hot cross buns, indeed.
The shop is real.
I do, in fact, have a beard. At the time of this recollection, it was ginger, not white as it is now.
I did have a weird experience in a shop where things moved or fell whenever I walked by.
I have, indeed, frequented yacht clubs.
I also have strange relationships with my family.
Hot Cross Buns! is a wonderful British expression used instead of swearing on occasion or expressing amazement.
This is not satire, but more or a comedy or farce given that is generally the relationship I have with my family!
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. I do, in fact, have a beard. At the time of this recollection, it was ginger, not white as it is now.
I did have a weird experience in a shop where things moved or fell whenever I walked by.
I have, indeed, frequented yacht clubs.
I also have strange relationships with my family.
Hot Cross Buns! is a wonderful British expression used instead of swearing on occasion or expressing amazement.
This is not satire, but more or a comedy or farce given that is generally the relationship I have with my family!
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