General Fiction posted March 13, 2022


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A quirky story about nothing really

As Luck Would Have It

by VJWild


I engorged myself with cake this morning, white with almond flavoring, raspberry filling and super sweet gritty sugary white icing topped with red, yellow and blue balloons and a boatload of candles (it was a big cake.) It's my 40th birthday so I deserve it. Plus, I published my first ever five page memoir in celebration of making it this far in life. I'm not an exciting person by any means, so writing this book was quite the chore! Included in my author bio (since you will probably never read it) is collecting funky roller skates, finding a cure for dysentery, and going to the Shingles' Club.

Yeah, you read that right. It's a dating club for people who are immune to (or vaccinated against) shingles and who are also single. You have to meet the specified requirements in order to get on the list to even get through the door. Very exclusive.

Don't get me wrong, I like being on my own, but I'd love to find my forever man, or woman. I'm not picky at this point. It's probably not gonna happen anytime soon, especially hangin' out in this place but a person has to try. One individual I'm currently eyeing up at the club is quite the codger (I had to look that one up, too.) The other three people sitting by a sticky puddle of spilled brew (and by brew I mean coffee) are older than Earth. But, like I said, I'm not picky. So, I'll take a chance.

I rubbed my lucky rabbit's foot and started over towards the not-so-rowdy bunch. My rabbit's foot only gets me one date a month. I'm a bit superstitious so this helps calm me down, and pump me up. He (the rabbit's foot) hates being forced to go on dates with me but I gotta do what I gotta do. And, by the way, the foot is no longer attached to the rabbit, so I'm not sure why it gets so mad. As a matter of fact, it's not even from a real rabbit.

ANYWHO...

My dates (that's what I call them, even though it usually ends up only being me spitting out a pick up line or two before the relationship abruptly ends) always seem to think it's weird when I set him (the rabbit's foot) on the table. (Sorry for all the side comments, I'm all screwed up, it's the dysentery.) They always say he (rabbit's foot) is staring at them (of course, they don't know his name is Buster. That's a very dear secret I don't tell anybody about until at least the second date, which is to say I've never told anybody.)

So, now that I've super confused you, let's move on.

I sat down with this crew and initiated the conversation. "So, I was eating Chinese food last night, spare ribs and shrimp fried rice, and mid-rib I had to run to the bathroom."

A bunch of blank stares.

"I didn't make it."

The table of Shingles burst with laughter, some actually started crying.

It wasn't meant to be funny! I was being serious because I needed some laundry tips, I really soiled my pants, both under and outer. And the t-shirt I had tucked into my under pants. And the chair I was sitting on (I was at home, thank goodness.) They ignored me, or should I say they kept laughing, so I left. Their loss. I guess my loss too, as I didn't get any highly sought after laundry tips.

I walked over to the next group of Shingles and sat down in an open chair. Buster was beginning to disappoint me and I'm thinking that maybe he isn't so lucky after all. I set Buster down on the table and poured myself an adult beverage from the pitcher. I closed my eyes and took a long drag of my much needed drink.

"Ahhhhh there's nothing like a cold refreshing glass of..."

Just then, the Shingle sitting across me stood up and grabbed his own throat with both hands, so I stood up and did the same thing. To myself. I thought it was some kinda new dance move (in my defense, a funky song came on that I've never heard before, so I thought maybe he was teaching me something. As it turns out, I was wrong.)

His head shook violently and he started to turn bright red. I threw my cold refreshing glass of water at him thinking that maybe he was getting too hot. Wrong again.

"Somebody help him, he's choking!" A man yelled from across the room.

Oh! Well that makes more sense. I ran and stood directly behind him, wrapping my arms around his chest, balling up my fists together. (I was good at making fists, I get mad a lot.) I thrusted myself up and in as hard as my little arms could.

"Bllllaaaaahhhhpppppfffff!"

Out popped Buster.

"Buster! What were you doing in that guy's mouth!" I picked him up and yelled at him. I was about to throw him off the wall until...

"Darn, I thought that was part of the appetizer platter," the no-longer-choking-man said. "No wonder I couldn't chew it. I just thought my teeth weren't working the way they used to. You saved my life!"

He (not Buster, Buster is super mad at me right now) embraced me in a hug bigger and harder than the one I gave him to spew Buster out of his orifice.

When he finally let go (eight minutes later) he asked, "wanna have dinner sometime?"

I picked the saliva soaked Buster off the table and slid him back into my pocket (after I took out the lint, that would be super gross.)

"Hellooooo?" the man said. I looked up and the no-longer-choking-man was staring right through me like I was a window. I looked behind me to see who he was talking to. Nobody there. This must mean he's talking to me.

Yikes. Which means I have to reply.

"I'd love to, except I already ate tonight and I'm really full. And it's getting late, it's almost 7pm!"

"I didn't mean tonight, like sometime in the future? My name's Bob by the way. Thanks for saving my life."

I shook his outstretched hand. I guess I could give this actual dating thing a try (actual in the sense of NOT being at the Shingles' Club.)

"It's a date!" I shook his hand again and went on my way.

This will be a birthday to remember. Although I'll probably forget all about it by tomorrow.












Make Us Smile contest entry


So, yet again, here I am waiting until the last minute to finish my story. This one might not be for everybody and it's beyond quirky, but I had fun writing it. I'm wanting to read and write silly and absurd things lately, probably due to the current state of the world. This piece is a mish mash of the feelings I get from a few of my favorite (also quirky) movies, people I work with and my own flaws. There are probably some issues with tense (as usual) and punctuation, but life goes on... It's a weird one...Enjoy! P.S. This piece has nothing to do with the artwork (although I DO love the chosen piece!)
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by Linda Wetzel at FanArtReview.com

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