| Satire Fiction posted February 26, 2022 |
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The truth about the invasion of Ukraine
The Invasion
by Patrick Astre
The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.
In the Kremlin, behind his desk, Vladimir Putin stared at the photo, eyes brimming with nostalgia. A photographer had taken a now famous picture of Putin, bare chested, riding a magnificent white mare.
He remembered that day, his nipples hardening, his manhood rising as he stroked the sweet horse arousing his libido. Later, in the stables, a stepladder, two canes, ropes, cleats, and trapdoor pajamas, he’d mounted the mare, the act of love driving him to ecstasies beyond any woman. After equestrian sex there would be no going back.
He heard a knock, “come in,”
Minister Nicolai entered, “You sent for me?”
“Yes, do you remember that great white horse I rode two years ago, bare chested?”
“Yes, Fyodor,”
“Da! My Fifi,”
“Fifi? That sounds French,”
“Shut up, Nicolai. I will not stand those frog eaters. Did you know they make fun of my name, call me Putain, which means whore in French. Some day I will invade those snail-eating little shits. Bring Fifi to the Kremlin. I will marry her in a state ceremony, thus bypassing the Americans with their woke and LGBTQ bullshit. Since there are no gays in Russia, we will achieve the ultimate inclusion: Cross Species union, and I will be the first as a Russian male to marry his horse. Now get Fifi!”
“I can’t…the horse belonged to an Englishman and he took it back to England, the U.K. I followed up and discovered the horse died last year,”
Putin’s mouth closed into a tight line.
“You. Allowed. This. To. Happen? You are most fortunate we are a new, gentle Russia,”
“But, I did not…” Before he could finish the sentence, Putin opened the drawer, took out a letter opener, and stabbed the minister in the eye.
Nicolai ran out of the room, screaming, holding his bleeding face, followed by Putin who screamed at the guards, “Stop him, I want to torture him.”
The guard shot Nicolai twice in the head. “You fool,” shouted Putin, turning to the other guard, “shoot him, then get me Lebedev and Lavrov The second guard shot the first guard twice in the head, then went to fetch Lebedev and Lavrov.
General Lebedev and Minister Lavarov entered Putin’s office and stood at attention.
“They have killed Fifi. I want you to invade the U.K.”
As they left, Lavrov said, “Invade the UK?”
“Ukraine, of course that makes perfect sense. I will mobilize immediately. How many tanks do we have ready?”
“Sixteen million, that’s what Pravda said,” the aide replied.
“How many for real, you idiot,”
“2,800,”
“How many tanks do the Ukrainians have?”
“Twelve,”
“Encircle and obey the president, invade Ukraine.”
While Russian forces poured across Ukraine, Russian President Putin stood behind three monitors, watching video feeds of London, waiting for the attack on the UK.
Russian Family Story writing prompt entry
In the Kremlin, behind his desk, Vladimir Putin stared at the photo, eyes brimming with nostalgia. A photographer had taken a now famous picture of Putin, bare chested, riding a magnificent white mare.
He remembered that day, his nipples hardening, his manhood rising as he stroked the sweet horse arousing his libido. Later, in the stables, a stepladder, two canes, ropes, cleats, and trapdoor pajamas, he’d mounted the mare, the act of love driving him to ecstasies beyond any woman. After equestrian sex there would be no going back.
He heard a knock, “come in,”
Minister Nicolai entered, “You sent for me?”
“Yes, do you remember that great white horse I rode two years ago, bare chested?”
“Yes, Fyodor,”
“Da! My Fifi,”
“Fifi? That sounds French,”
“Shut up, Nicolai. I will not stand those frog eaters. Did you know they make fun of my name, call me Putain, which means whore in French. Some day I will invade those snail-eating little shits. Bring Fifi to the Kremlin. I will marry her in a state ceremony, thus bypassing the Americans with their woke and LGBTQ bullshit. Since there are no gays in Russia, we will achieve the ultimate inclusion: Cross Species union, and I will be the first as a Russian male to marry his horse. Now get Fifi!”
“I can’t…the horse belonged to an Englishman and he took it back to England, the U.K. I followed up and discovered the horse died last year,”
Putin’s mouth closed into a tight line.
“You. Allowed. This. To. Happen? You are most fortunate we are a new, gentle Russia,”
“But, I did not…” Before he could finish the sentence, Putin opened the drawer, took out a letter opener, and stabbed the minister in the eye.
Nicolai ran out of the room, screaming, holding his bleeding face, followed by Putin who screamed at the guards, “Stop him, I want to torture him.”
The guard shot Nicolai twice in the head. “You fool,” shouted Putin, turning to the other guard, “shoot him, then get me Lebedev and Lavrov The second guard shot the first guard twice in the head, then went to fetch Lebedev and Lavrov.
General Lebedev and Minister Lavarov entered Putin’s office and stood at attention.
“They have killed Fifi. I want you to invade the U.K.”
As they left, Lavrov said, “Invade the UK?”
“Ukraine, of course that makes perfect sense. I will mobilize immediately. How many tanks do we have ready?”
“Sixteen million, that’s what Pravda said,” the aide replied.
“How many for real, you idiot,”
“2,800,”
“How many tanks do the Ukrainians have?”
“Twelve,”
“Encircle and obey the president, invade Ukraine.”
While Russian forces poured across Ukraine, Russian President Putin stood behind three monitors, watching video feeds of London, waiting for the attack on the UK.
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Writing Prompt Write a short story (400-500 words) about Russia or Vladimir Putin that includes at least one of the following: a) birth or adoption of children or animals b) time travel c) extreme violence d) unwelcome sex e) someone dying in a hospital Your piece must include satire. |
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