Biographical Poetry posted February 3, 2022


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Dealing with depression can make life seem impossible.

I'll Try Not To Say Goodbye

by The Undefeated

I cried my eyes out.
I didn't do it on purpose,
I tried to hold it in all day,
all week,
for a really long time,
but even when I was staying silent, even when I wasn't saying anything,
even when I was biting my tongue and holding back tears and punishing myself silently,
it was loud to them.
They could tell that I wasn't OK,
even when I said hardly nothing, even when I held my tongue,
even when I escaped to the bathroom to attempt not to cry,
they could tell
I was hiding something.
So they loved me, they encouraged me, they reminded me in their own ways that I am strong,
and capable, and someone that they cherish.
But, I did something awful tonight,
I said goodbye to a friend that I never want to say goodbye to.
I said goodbye to the person who has influenced me the most,
and I hate
that in the pursuit of feeling relieved and like I could leave,
I said a slow and quiet goodbye, willing them to live a better life without me
knowing that they did their best, knowing that they loved me the best,
knowing that they are the best person I've met in my whole life.
But you see, I know what it's like to lose the person you thought you'd never lose.
I know what it feels like to wonder if you could've done something better,
to wonder if you did anything wrong
I've never had a friend let me experience the beauty and
pure loving healing feeling
of being held when you feel like you're falling apart
I've never had someone lead me through calming myself down and I feel so thankful
to have had that moment and yet so sad that they did.

They asked me what my magic words were for staying alive.
I told them I knew what the words were,
I told them that I knew for a long time my magic words.
I just didn't want to say them.
My loved ones are half of the magic words.
The people who have loved me well.
The people who have met me in the back corner of Adobe,
Or held my hand when I was unsteady.
The people who have made me laugh when I felt everything and nothing.
I don't want them to go through the things that I've gone through,
and if they do, I want to be able to walk with them through it so they don't have to suffer as much.
I want to be able to love them through all of their ups and downs,
love them from 10 minutes away or across the world,
and I want to celebrate with them whether it's five dollars in the lottery or $500
or even the charms of falling in love with themselves or someone else.
I want to write about my friends, an inordinate amount of times,
reminding them of just how much they mean to me,
reminding anyone else out there that they are also valued and loved and seen and understood and accepted,
I just don't know how to love myself and accept myself and understand and hear myself.

I'm the other half of the magic words.
I want to try. I wanna try for me, and I want to try for them,
and I want to try because loving them, being loved by them, and finding more of my tribe and loving them too
is exactly what I want to do. I don't want anyone to feel lonely or left out.
I want to be that someone to someone else that I never thought I would receive but have.
To be love,
to be light,
to be compassion, to be hope,
To be humor and understanding.

I was thinking the other day about what I wanted to be in this world.
Growing up, I was always told to be a light in dark places
What I didn't realize then was that dark places exist everywhere at all times
And within all of us.
It's overwhelming to only and always be a light.
So I want to be a mirror too.
Specifically I want to be a candle in front of a mirror.
I want my light to reflect onto others
I want to light up the dark corners of other people's hearts as well as my own
And I want to reflect the beauty of the world and the people around me back to them.

All of these beautiful things. All this light and love and compassion.
I can't just conjure it up out of nowhere.
I don't know how to create this for myself.
But I know some people around me are cultivating happiness and value in their lives
So I'll do my best to listen to the advice they hold out lovingly,
Read the books they say are life giving
Heart affirming
Soul strengthening
Willing me to live happily beside them.

I will seek out the peace I see them seeking
I will put time and effort into finding the perspective I see in their eyes.
Because I am a tempest.
It's beautiful and strong
But it's also chaotic and hard to control

But to be a mirror, the water has to be still.
To reflect the beauty in and around meâ?¨there has to be peace.

I'll try to believe I can find it.

Sincerely yours,

The Undefeated


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