Darth Vader emerged from the Ethernets with a victorious grin. Of course no one could see his smile through his N95, but his force chi was so infectious, anyone with midi-chlorians who had ever gone to yoga camp could pick up on it immediately.

"I've done it!" he shouted. "Our future is secure. I dropped Natalie Portman back at home. Don't ask any questions."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"And Mohammed?" Han asked.

"He keeps saying 'Luke, I am your father.' It is most infuriating. I almost emerged from the ether to behead him with my lightsaber, but forcibly restrained myself, to avoid disrupting the space-time continuum and exploding the universe. You're welcome."

Luke and Leia rushed over to DarthDaddy and gave him a big hug. It was time to celebrate!

Together they all held hands and flew to the pinnacle of a beautiful mountaintop on Naboo. (Except for Han, who took the Millennium Falcon, and parked it strategically in a hidden cave below the summit). When they all arrived, a festive band of Ewoks awaited them, conducted by John Williams. It was great.

Luke suddenly paused, a furrow in his brow. "DarthDaddy, where are Daddy Freddie and Daddy--"

Darth Vader held up his hand. "Son, sit down for a moment. We aren't allowed to say his name anymore. I have something important to tell you."

"Daddy!! What did you do?" screamed Leia, punching DarthDaddy's breastplate with her fists.

"They're in a better place. Trust me. Join me and we'll defeat Mohammed and bring peace to the galaxy!"

"I'll never join you!" yelled Luke, grabbing Vader's lightsaber and cutting off his own hand. With his remaining hand he grabbed Leia and they jumped off the cliff together. Just as they were about to hit the ground, they were smoothly caught by the Millennium Falcon, and escaped into hyperspace.

Watching from atop the cliff, Vader clenched his fist. "Not again!"