General Fiction posted January 27, 2022


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Battle of the Presidents contest entry

Las Vegas Arena

by DragonSkulls

Battle of the Presidents Contest Winner 

The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.



The announcer came on; "Welcome to the Las Vegas Arena,
where the dead have been resurrected for this once in a
lifetime event. The bout between Presidents! That's right,
folks, all forty-five Presidents are here in the ring today. The
last man standing in this, fight to the death, free-for-all will
determine who will reign as our final United States President.
Forty-five men enter. Only one will leave. A no-holds-barred
event. Let's get right to the action." The announcer named
off each contender in order along with the numerous
sponsors that have supplied the weapons that line the arena.
Each President chose the weapon they wished to start with
before the bell. "Let's get ready to legislate!"

The bell rang and before the killing started, Franklin Roosevelt
yelled and waved his arms to get everyone's attention. With the
whole arena looking at him, he shouted in a loud voice, "The
only thing you have to fear is...me, muthu fuckers!" He spun
and swung his sledgehammer and burst Andrew Jackson's
head like a melon. With the same momentum, he turned and
hurled it at James Polk, staving in his skull. Yanking the sword
from Andrew's headless corpse, he hacked through Buchanan,
Fillmore, Cleveland and Hayes like they were cardboard.

On the other side of the ring, Gerald Ford ran at Nixon with
a machete yelling, "You are a crook," just before he cleaved
his head clean off.

John Adams crept up behind Bill Clinton as he was sliding a
cigar through the fence to a barely attractive intern. After
the vicious stabbing, Wendy slipped John her number.

George Bush charged at his father with brass knuckles in hand.
"I've always hated you!' He knocked him to the ground. "I didn't
want to be President, I told you that! Now I have this damn
911 conspiracy following me around for the rest of my life!
Yeah, I'm guilty...okay? I did it, I killed all those people just
so I could start a war against terrorism! Are you happy now?"
Then he brutally beat his father to death.

George Washington swung his axe like he was chopping down cherry
trees. "I can not tell a lie...I'm going to kill your fuckin' ass!" He
viciously murdered Coolidge, Wilson and Garfield effortlessly.

Truman yanked three grenades from his trousers, pulled the pins,
threw them in the air and yelled, "Bombs away!" Eighteen Presidents
were instantly eliminated.

There was a loud roar from the crowd when, on the west corner,
Hillary Clinton scaled the fence and entered the arena. "This was
my destiny! I should have been President!" She picked up two
knives and ran toward Ulysses Grant. He just punched her in the
face and she fell. Moments later, three men in white suits came
rushing in. They restrained her in a straight jacket and before
they hauled her back to the padded asylum she yelled, "You are
all just a basket of deplorables! Baskets of deplorables, I tell you!"

Abe Lincoln yanked a sword from Harding's back and when he
turned around, he was dumbfounded. He froze in his tracks.
"You were a President?"

Obama replied, "For two terms. Thanks for that." Then he
hurled the spear straight through Abe's ribcage as he stood
there bewildered.

Standing over Jimmy Carter, with a spiked mace primed
over his head, John Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country
can do for you...because it can't do shit, bitch!" Then he crushed
Carter's head into the dirt with a single blow.

The killing continued until only two opponents were left standing.
With both covered in blood, Joe Biden, with the weapon he chose,
a potato peeler, faced his last rival...Donald Trump.

When they drew close, Trump pointed down and said, "Your
shoelace is untied."

"Huh?"

When Biden looked down, Trump stepped sideways and with his
Wilson Staff D9 driver club, took a full swing and clocked Biden's
skull with a four hundred yard par stroke.

Biden's neck snapped like a twig and his body collapsed forward
on the ground. Trump picked up a saber and went in for the kill.
He sliced Biden's neck, just below the base of his skull and
then a long cut down his back. He was going to tear Biden's
backbone right out of his body in front of everyone. It didn't
really surprise Trump, nor the masses, when he found only
ligaments and tissue. Joe Biden was spineless.

Trump raised his hands in victory, slowly turning in circles for
the cheering masses, once again basking within his own ego.

Melania came running onto field, gave him a huge kiss, snatched
some money from his billfold and took off.

Out of nowhere, a medieval axe came flying through the air. The
whole arena gasped while, as if in slow motion, it spun. The giant
blade nearly hacked Donny right in two. 

George Washington, riddled with grenade fragments and stab wounds,
stood up. Pride was clearly prominent in his poise. He limped up, bent
over and grabbed Trump by the throat and yelled straight in his face,
"This is my country, you orange haired freak!" Then let him drop in the
dirt to die.

The whole arena went wild. The roar could be heard from miles away.
The announcer, trophy bearer and a hot brunette came running up. The
girl gave him a fat, wet smooch as he received the Presidential Trophy.
The announcer raised Washington's hand. "We have our winner!"
Another thunderous cheer. "Do you have any words to share with us...
MR. PRESIDENT?"

George took the mic and looked around at everyone there. "I don't
know what kind of clown show you have going on here now, but
rest assured, we're going back to basics and turning this nation
into something to be proud of again! Bet on that!" He lifted the
microphone high and then just dropped it like a gangster. Then
he walked off the field with his head held high and the sweet
brunette cradled in his arm.




 



Battle of the Presidents
Contest Winner


The requirements of this contest are that all the Presidents, past and present, have a fight to the death until there is only 'ONE' left to reign. But I guess rules
don't really matter anymore.

Grover Cleveland served 2 non-successive terms. That's why there's 45.

Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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