Biographical Poetry posted January 23, 2022

This work has reached the exceptional level
The challenges of life.

I forget

by The Undefeated

I forget that I can't do things,
I forget that I'm not as strong as I was 10 years ago,
I forget that while I may manifest not being in pain
and secretly pray against it every day,
while I try every medication doctors are willing to give me
in order to manage pain and help with weakness,
while I would like to think I'm strong, while I would like to believe that I can be independent,
stupid ass things like this will pop up and suddenly
I feel as useless and weak as a child
useless in a way that I can't get anything done because I'm not strong enough to do them physically,
weak in another way because my pride is very important to me and I hate sacrificing it and asking for help
but in a way that only trauma knows how to fuck me up,
because even if I ask for help the people who made me and say they love me won't show up,
and I am left in my 50° basement trying to figure out how I'm going to turn the water on so I can do my laundry.
I'm left wondering if I can get my clothes back up the stairs to my apartment
because bringing them down put me in nine out of 10 pain.
And just when I started feeling independent
I have to think about who I can call to help me turn the water on
who won't think I'm being ridiculous, who can I rely on to not bring this up ever,
And how can I stop crying?
Because when doing simple things to take care of yourself turns into
fibromyalgia gymnastics
life just seems so painful.
Life just likes to play with me.
It likes to say that I can't do anything,
that no one will come in to help,
and that after everything I really am just alone.
At the beginning and end of the day,
I realize that even if I can't save myself I have to
because everyone is already busy enough saving themselves.
I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can or want to save this life
not because I don't feel loved, not because I don't have friends,
not because I don't have a job,
but because I'm always in pain. Always.
Like right now I have my dog on a leash and she's not pulling very hard
but my fingers are throbbing and I am nauseous from the pain. I
want to say that I will be triumphant against depression.
I want to say that I'm never gonna give up,
and I don't want to hurt anyone
I just don't want to hurt anymore.
That's what I come back to. So I'm left with a question for myself.
Do I isolate, do I push everyone away,
do I hurt them in the short run
so I don't hurt them in the long run,
do I become an asshole who hurts them just to hurt them
so that when I go maybe it won't hurt them as much?
These are the questions that plague my mind
when I can't do the things I feel I should be able to do.
I want to be stronger than the pain,
I wanna be stronger than the circumstances,
I want to be stronger than my weakest moments,
but what if I'm always weak,
what if I'm always struggling just to make it,
what if the pain invades every part of my body,
every part of my mind,
every part of my life,
and makes the active living feel burdensome to me?
What then? Do I soldier forward?
Do I decide that while I'm in pain all the time,
while I can't do things, while doctors won't help me,
while they objectively look at my pain and decide what they are willing to do and not
deciding for themselves what my life is going to look like?
I don't know. I would like to say that I do
I would like to say I won't give up. I don't want to,
and the thing that pulls me back from the edge nearly every time
is not only my friends but also the fact that I am keenly aware of what it feels like
for your best friend to kill themselves and for you to feel like you failed.
The best I can do is say I'm still trying, I'm still fighting,
I'm still making an active choice to be here.
I'll try to be a strong as I wish I was.
That's the best I can do.

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