General Poetry posted December 5, 2021


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Love, Death + Santa

LDS Episode 1: Reindeer Revenge

by SimianSavant


The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.

Rain was on the forecast, foreshadowing a bad day ahead for Santa Claws.

Clause after clause in his Amazon two-day delivery contract had kept his lawyers working overtime, and paying them their pound of flesh had taken the twinkle out of Santa's eye.

I hate my job! he vented to the missus, while cleaning his Beretta. Is there any cookie dough?

D'oh! I ran out, said Mrs. Claws. Tonight, there will be no dessert.

Deserting the workshop to get some fresh air, Santa decided to go out for a quick sleighing.



Slaying Dasher with a single swift stroke of his hunting knife, he then started a fire to BBQ up some delicious reindeer steak.

* * *

Staking out the scene, the other reindeer watched in horror, taking turns to pray.

Prey, we shall not become! declared Donner.

Donner neither! cried Cupid, who was promptly corrected on his spelling and pronunciation by Blitzen.

Blitzing into the camp, they spotted Santa gargling a Guinness and licking his fingers clean of delectable Dasher gore.

Gore him! called Comet. Santa tried to flee.

Flea-ridden Vixen vacated herself on Santa, covering his ruddy nose and lips with the crawling insects. He choked on a piece of reindeer meat.

Meet your maker!! roared Rudolph, blinding Santa and dodging a left hook, as the two faced off for a duel.

Dual antlers from Dancer and Prancer stabbed a distracted Santa in the stomach as he tried to reach, too late, with the other hand inside his jacket for his firing piece.

Peace settled over the frozen tundra as Santa's bloodied hand went limp, slipping from Rudolph's rein.


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Loop Poetry Contest contest entry

Recognized


Continued in Episode 2

Some liberties have been taken with the loop poetry format - namely, I have permitted myself the use of of homonyms and longer lines, and forgone using stanzas.

**2024 update** I wrote another inappropriate loop "poem". Not sure how this original one avoided a contest DQ.
Pays one point and 2 member cents.


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