My story begins with the death of my brother Jim last year, on Thursday, the twenty seventh of October, 2020.

Jim had a heart attack a few years back, requiring him to have triple bi-pass heart surgery. I was able to travel interstate to be with him, his wife Lorraine, and their daughter Anna, to provide them my support during this very trying uncertain time.

I was very close to my brother. We had an amazing relationship, and shared so much during our lifetime, including a raucous sense of humour, that always made my time with him so much fun. I loved him immensely.

Jim recovered well from this surgery, and even got back to a normal lifestyle. Although, there was always a little doubt about his overall health. So, when he rang me in August last year, to tell me he needed to have further heart surgery, involving heart valve repairs, I was naturally concerned.

Unfortunately, due to COVID restrictions interstate, I was unable this time to go to his side, and had to rely on phone calls from him, to let me know how things were going.

Jim's surgery apparently went well, and he was released from hospital a week later. This time however, he seemed to struggle, and I know he was worried about his overall wellbeing.

Not being able to go and see him, was very hard for us all. Locked down in another state due to this COVID crisis, we had to abide by government directives, and could only communicate by phone or face-time.

It was four o'clock on that Thursday morning, when my phone rang. I fumbled around in the darkness to retrieve it from my bedside drawers and eventually answered this call, "Christine, Jim's dying," my sobbing sister-in-law was saying. "What Lorraine, what has happened?" I said, as I quickly sat up, to gather my thoughts and come to terms with what she was telling me. "Oh Christine, the ambulance men are working on him now, I awoke to his snoring, which was different to his normal snore, and when I tried to wake him up he wouldn't, then I realized he had stopped breathing, so I pulled him onto the floor, rang the ambulance and tried to give him CPR." "Oh Lorraine," I said as my tears poured down my face. Over the phone, I could hear the ambulance officers talking while they were 'working on him'. Myself, being an Emergency Department nurse I knew only too well of the expected outcome.

I tried to reassure Lorraine as best I could. Meanwhile, my husband was by my side comforting me.

I have never felt so helpless in my life, and then I heard them say "We're sorry Lorraine, but he has gone." My heart dropped, and my tears ran freely. Jim died at 4.30 that morning and I had listened to this over a phone. Lorraine was sobbing loudly, and all I could do was to tell her I loved her, and we all loved Jim. I was devastated, and now in shock myself.

Jim and Lorraine's daughter, Anna, was contacted by the police, and I waited on the phone with Lorraine until Anna arrived, to then hear her scream and sob "No Jim, No" This was heartbreaking to hear, and I will never forget this terrible morning, when I lost my beautiful brother Jim.

Lorraine and Anna asked me if I would like to see him by face-time, to say goodbye. As hard as this was, I did. When I looked at him, and kissed his image on my phone, I will be forever grateful to them that, during their terrible grief I was given this chance to also say good bye. Jim was only sixty five.

Despite COVID, my husband and I were given compassionate grounds permission, to travel interstate to attend his funeral. I did Jim's eulogy.