On a warm fall morning in 2014, Bob had been busy clearing land for the new Theranos lab. He was snacking from a bag of banana chips on his 15-minute work break, resting against a wood chipper that was still running, when a strangely dressed woman approached him.

"Hiiiii, I'm Crystal," she introduced herself, extending a gaudily garbed gauntlet. "My boss Joe Biden sent me and he wants to visit your new lab." Each finger of her hand sported multiple rings, including one with a giant sparkling emerald. Warily, Bob shook her hand.

"Hey, are those banana chips?" She peered into the plastic Trader Joe's bag Bob was guarding in his left hand. "Here's something better than those. It's organic." She whipped a raw green plantain out of an oversized silver purse she was carrying. "Wanna try?" She gazed at him with wild, intense green eyes.

"Um, I'll pass," Bob said, looking wryly at the green plantain. "I read some warnings about those on Fanstory."

Crystal shrugged, stuffing the plantain back into her purse. But the plantain got stuck in the zipper, and as she tried to dislodge it, her giant emerald ring popped off and landed near the feeder input on the wood chipper.

"My ring!" she cried.

"I got it," said Bob, picking up a stick on the ground that was hooked on one end. He turned and bent over the wood chipper, reaching to extract the ring.

At that moment, Crystal's green eyes flashed like emeralds, and she kicked Bob into the wood chipper.

Various pieces of Bob blew out of the other end in a dense crimson Halloween mist, as Crystal laughed.

And the moral of the story is: don't ever trust women named Crystal, or anyone who recommends eating uncooked green plantains.