Buzz filled the hall where the audience waited. Backstage, a minor snafu was about to unfold.

Don had arrived in his dressing room a full two hours before prime time. Experienced showmen left nothing to chance. His staff had immaculately packed his suitcase with every critical item needed for tonight.

Popping open the latch of the suitcase, he reached inside for the first, most crucial item and pulled out...

Britney Spears Essence??

Where was his face cream? Don desperately dove into the suitcase, hunting around. Everything was wrong. There were several bottles of coconut water. Where the bag of Cheeto dust should have been, he found a brown wig. And under the wig, a banana-shaped vibrator. Well, at least he could get some use out of that. He smiled, fingering it delicately, looking for a switch.

***

She/her had arrived even earlier than Don. Yes she identified as a woman and, although her complexion required little makeup, there were other important rituals to prepare herself before the holy event.

Fiddling around for a while in the mirror, she practiced her dance moves and sound-tested her signature laugh, trying to make it sound normal and authentic.

"When I was a young girl on a bus," she started. Did she sound drunk? Could everyone tell?

Her giant suitcase with an official seal had been delivered by the Secret Service, and stood waiting for her. She was famished and she felt her stomach growl, in eager anticipation of the snack she had packed inside. In great haste, she fumbled with the latches and opened them.

Instead of her snack, the first thing that greeted her eyes was a large glass container of orange face cream.

***

Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, Donald had doused himself liberally with the Britney Spears cologne and was making his way through the rest of Kamala's suitcase. A bottle of hot sauce. That would go so perfectly with the banana dildo, he thought...

Kamala's mascara was too tempting to resist.

He could smell something unpleasant inside the suitcase coming from the back corner. It was wrapped in a plastic bag.

He gingerly unwrapped it.

Inside were fetal organs, each ziplocked and on ice, with price tags still affixed.

***

Kamala had found the Donald's cologne. It smelled exactly like $100 bills. "I LOOOOVE the smell of money", she cackled, spraying it everywhere. She had not found her mission-critical snack, but she had discovered Trump's cheeseburger and had scarfed it down with a bottle of diet Coke. There was more food inside. It was neither as appetizing nor as healthy as what she had packed to eat, but the perfectly seared Trump Steak in the suitcase would have to do.

There were two more things in the suitcase. The larger of the two was a book of poetry by Khalil Gibran. Kamala cracked it open to kill the remaining time on the clock before the debate.

***

Abby Huntsman from Fox and Friends was the debate moderator of the evening. Eight years after the 2016 election, she was still smoking hot.

"Tonight, we are joined by Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Trump. Please join me in welcoming them to tonight's debate," she announced cheerily. As the candidates walked to the stage, everyone could see that something was very off.

Kamala's hair and eyebrows were full of Cheeto dust, and the audience detected a slight bulge in her stage-facing pants pocket. Wait, did it just move?

The Donald had donned Kamala's wig, was sporting a tight white jacket, and carried a very cute puppy. But what most enraptured the audience was his dark, alluring eyelashes.

"You brought a GERBIL to the debate??" Kamala shouted at him in shock, hurling the hapless rodent out of her pocket and across the stage, where it was smoothly caught by Abby.

"Who travels around with an abortion? What kind of a monster are you? Is that what you eat for dinner before a debate?" Trump retaliated.

"No that's way too expensive to eat. Why did you bring my dinner on stage with you?" shrieked Kamala, staring at the puppy.

Abby Huntsman tried to maintain decorum. "Mr. Trump and Vice President Harris, we'll have time for a back-and-forth a little bit later," she tried to interject, as they lunged for each other.

Donald and Kamala were just inches away from each other when they smelled the scent of their own cologne on each other. It was irresistible. They immediately started making out right on stage. Trump sniffed Cheeto dust off her perfectly coifed hair while she licked hotsauce off his banana vibrator.

As they reached behind each other to unhook each other's bras, the cameras cut out.

"Folks, that was WAAAY too hot for prime time", drawled Bill Hemmer. "Let's cut back to the Olympic opening ceremony, where they'll be reenacting a trans version of the Last Supper. We promise that no puppies were eaten in the making of this show."

Back on the debate stage off-camera, Trump could be heard yelling, "THAT'S NOT TRUE!"