FanStory.com - DUEL with the DEVIL by Jim Wile

FanStory.com
"DUEL with the DEVIL"

Prologue
DUEL with the DEVIL - Prologue

By Jim Wile

Prologue

Charlotte, North Carolina

March 2022

I wake up this morning feeling good. I feel like this every morning when I wake up. Have since I began taking Dipraxa. I get out of bed, wade through the mess of dirty clothes I’ve left everywhere, and make my way to the bathroom. After relieving myself, I look in the mirror.

The image would be shocking if I cared. In two months, I have gone from a not-bad-looking, clean-shaven 31-year-old guy with normal-length, sandy-brown hair and a good build for my 6’2” frame to a beanpole with a permanent bedhead of longish, greasy, unkempt hair and a thick, scraggly beard. I also probably stink so bad that, again, if I cared, I’m sure I would be totally grossed out. No matter; I’ll be taking a shower tomorrow.

I feel pain-free now, which is better than I’ve felt in years since the chronic pain I suffered has been vanquished.

I wend my way through the jumble of clothes on the floor over to my dresser. My underwear drawer is empty, as is my sock drawer because I haven’t done laundry in a while. I grab one of the two remaining T-shirts from the T-shirt drawer and head over to the closet to find a pair of pants. There aren’t any hanging up, so I find an old, holey pair of sweat pants on the floor that are way too large in the waist for me now. Fortunately, it has a drawstring rather than an elastic band around the waist. I also scrounge around for a pair of matching socks. Realizing this is a habit that isn’t an important consideration anymore, I just grab a random pair from the floor. I forego underwear and pull on the sweatpants, tying the drawstring as tightly as I can; it can only be tightened so much. It barely holds my pants up.

I leave the bedroom and head for the kitchen. Flipping on the light switch reveals a complete pigsty. Dirty dishes are everywhere, and the place smells like rotten fruit. Ants are crawling over the counters and floor. A couple of old pizza boxes are piled in the corner next to the overflowing trashcan. But none of this bothers me.

I open the fridge, but there’s almost nothing left in there that is edible. I pull out a bottle of flat Coke and drain the last few ounces. From the meat drawer, I pull out and open a dented pack containing a couple pieces of greenish-looking bologna. I close up the pack and put it back in the drawer. All that’s left are a few limp carrots in the vegetable drawer, so I pull one out and begin munching.

I’ve pretty much quit eating because I never feel hungry. I no longer leave the house to buy groceries or for any other reason.

My wife left two months ago, and I miss her terribly, but I don’t feel particularly bad about anything else. As I said, I feel good. Nothing special, just a comfortable feeling. But that will soon change as I reach for the bottle of Dipraxa and take five. In about 10 minutes, I will be on cloud 99 again, feeling the most intense pleasure you can possibly imagine—a greater high than the most potent narcotic can ever give you.

I will do this again—take five more—four hours from now and every four hours for the rest of the day. The bottle will be empty tonight, and there won’t be any more after that. Tomorrow I’ll begin my comeback and my return to normalcy—hopefully. This experiment will be over. What I will do after that, I’m not sure yet.

Who am I kidding? These last two months have definitely not been an experiment. I knew full well how this was going to go as soon as I had that first double-dose of Dipraxa. But for the fact that it wouldn't immediately kill me, there was nothing new to learn. I take that back; I did learn that 500 mg is the dose to take if you want the maximum high.

At least I’d had enough self-awareness to realize that after creating this last batch, I had to get rid of all my raw materials so that I couldn’t easily make any more. Maybe now I’ll attempt to fight off this addiction, for that’s surely what it is. Perhaps not a physical one, but a powerful one nonetheless.

How did I get to this point? Now there’s a tale worth telling. Maybe by rehashing it all, I’ll get a clue about how to proceed with my life.

Chapter 1
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 1

By Jim Wile

Part 1

Chapter 1

Kernersville, NC
2004

I was 12 years old on that awful morning when my big sister Francine shook me awake.

“Brian, wake up.”

I opened my eyes and looked at her. She had pulled the covers down and had a firm grip on my shoulder.

“Leave me alone.” I yanked the covers back up and closed my eyes again, hoping she’d go away. Francine was 18. She was a big girl and a terrific athlete. Although not an especially good student, she was tough and smart and good at most everything she did, although I could beat her handily in chess. She had graduated from high school last spring and was now enrolled in a law enforcement program at Forsyth Tech Community College.

“Brian, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.”

I opened my eyes again and sat up. We normally kidded around a lot, but I could tell from the gravity of her voice and the grim look on her face that this wasn’t any kind of joke.

“What bad news?” I said, sitting up. A sudden fear sent the adrenaline coursing through my chest. I suppose it is every child’s worst nightmare that something bad has happened to his parents. They had gone out last night to dinner and a movie—one of their “date nights.”

I studied Fran’s face closely as she hesitated a few seconds before she finally said, “I got a call early this morning from the police. Momma and Daddy were hit by a drunk driver on the way home from the movies last night. It caused their car to leave the road, where it then struck a tree and caught fire. They didn’t make it out of the car.”

Although this had always been my greatest fear when they went out, I just sat there, refusing to accept what I had heard. “No, I don’t believe you. They must have made it out. They’re probably wandering around in a daze somewhere. We’ve got to go find them.” This all came tumbling out of me as I got out of bed and started heading to my dresser to find some clothes.

Fran grabbed me on the way and held me in a tight hug. “Brian, they’re gone. The police found them in the car.”

“No, you’re just teasing me, right?” I began shuddering. “Right?” But she continued holding me firmly and began rubbing my back. As the realization set in, the tears started, followed by wracking sobs as she continued to hold me for a long time while I cried. This kind of thing happened in shows or books, but not in real life and not to me. No, this couldn’t have happened. Just, no!

After what felt like an hour, she finally released me from the hug but put her hands on my shoulders and looked me right in the eyes. “Brian, we’re going to be alright. Things are going to be different now, for sure, but I’ll be taking care of you until you’re 18 and no longer a minor. We’ll still live here, and you’ll go to the same school. But that means we’ll have to take care of the house and do all the things Momma and Daddy used to do for us ourselves.”

“But I don’t know how to do all those things. I mean, I know how to mow the lawn and make a sandwich, but I don’t know how to pay bills and fix the sink when it clogs up and do laundry and all that stuff.”

“Well, you’re going to have to grow up fast and learn how. We’ll do it together. I don’t know how to do all those things either, but what we don’t know how to do, we’ll ask Gram and Gramps for help.”

“What’ll we do for money, Fran? I know you have a part-time job while you’re going to school, but that won’t be enough money to support us.”

“Momma and Daddy provided for that. They bought insurance, which I’m sure will be enough to support us and probably pay for our education too. I’ll be looking into all that. I don’t think we have to worry about that for now. We just have to make sure to keep up the house and pay the bills when they’re due and take care of Chloe. She can become your responsibility. She doesn’t pay that much attention to me like she does to you.”

Chloe was our 10-year-old tabby cat. We grew up together. I was only two when we got her as a kitten, and through the years, I always played with her a lot. I already cleaned her litter box regularly, but now it would also be my responsibility to feed her and make sure she came in at night. I guess I would have to take her to the vet now, too, for her annual checkups.

Fran said, “Seeing how it’s Friday today, you can have the day off from school, but I’ll expect you to go back on Monday. And I know Momma used to drive you, but you’ll have to start taking the bus from now on. I won’t be able to drive you because I have classes early each morning. I’m going to call Gram and Gramps now to tell them the news and ask if they would come and stay here until after the funeral.”

This was typical Fran. She seemed so calm and responsible, although I knew she was probably dying inside too. But Fran was tough. She wouldn’t show it but would just suck it up and do what had to be done. I loved my sister. What she thought of me, I don’t really know. She had always been the responsible one, where I tended to be spoiled and got away with doing as little as I could.

But that would have to change now because a new reality had set in.

When I’d been 10, Momma and Daddy took the family on a day trip to Pilot Mountain. It was only an hour away from Kernersville. I used to call it Nipple Mountain because it looked to me like a woman’s breast with a very pronounced nipple sticking up at the top. Momma told me to hush whenever I used to mention it.

That had been a bright, clear spring day. A long, winding road leads most of the way to the top of the mountain. We parked in the parking lot and decided to go for a hike before having a picnic lunch Momma had packed for us. One of the trails leads right around the base of the nipple, and we took that trail.

On a clear day, you could see for miles in every direction. You could see Winston-Salem from here and even Kernersville, a few miles to the east of that. As we hiked around the base of the nipple, we could hear a faint sound overhead. There were eagles swooping low over the top of the mountain. It was windy up there, and in the spring, the temperature could drop 10 degrees when you went from the sun to the shade. It was beautiful, and Momma said that when she dies, she’d like to be cremated and have her ashes spread in the wind from up here. Born and raised in North Carolina, like Daddy too, that’s where she said she wanted to remain—spread all over her home.

It was now 10 days since they’d died in that accident. The wind was from the west, so Fran and I hiked around to the east side of the pinnacle of Pilot Mountain. Fran held Momma’s urn, and I held Daddy’s.

“Do you want to say something?” she asked me.

I thought about it. Today was nothing like that clear spring day two years ago—cold and overcast with a slight drizzle—and was a perfect reflection of my mood.

With a lump in my throat, I managed to croak out, “I’ll miss you guys,” but that’s all I could manage. In my mind’s eye, I just kept picturing two blackened bodies still strapped into their seats inside a crumpled car. I couldn’t seem to get that picture out of my mind.

When it became clear that’s all I was going to say, Fran said, “Momma and Daddy, you did a great job being our parents. You raised us the best you knew how. I’ll try to take good care of the squirt and see that he stays out of trouble. Thank you for all you did for us. I’ll always love you.” She fell silent then. We stood there in the cold on that gray afternoon, lost in our own thoughts.

After a couple of minutes, Fran looked at me. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

We had practiced what we would do at home. Holding the urns in both hands, we took our arms back like we were holding a baseball bat, then swung them forward, tilting the urns to the side at the same time and flinging the ashes into the air, where they mingled in the wind and were carried far to the east and out together over their home.

We stood there for another minute or two, then headed back to the parking area, where we met Gram and Gramps, who had been waiting for us. The hike to the pinnacle had been too arduous for them to go with us. Fran and I exchanged hugs with each of them, then we got in the car and drove home.

They ended up staying with us for two weeks. Before they left, Gram prepared about a month of meals for us, which we put in the freezer in the garage. Gramps also showed me how to do a few things around the house and yard. They lived in Asheville, which was just over two hours away to the west, and they said they would come anytime we called. We thanked them for handling the funeral arrangements and for being there when we needed them.

Now it was just Fran and me.

Chapter 2
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 2

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 1: The story begins when Brian Kendrick is 12 years old. Early one morning, he is awakened by his 18-year-old sister, Fran, with the devastating news that their parents were killed in a car accident the night before. Being of legal age, Fran, who is a student at junior college, where she is studying law enforcement, becomes his legal guardian, and they stay in the home together.

Their grandparents come for two weeks to stay with them through the funeral. Following the cremation, Brian and Fran hike to the top of nearby Pilot Mountain and release their parents’ ashes to the wind.

Chapter 2

I’d like to say that I matured rapidly and became a responsible teenager in the wake of my parents’ death, but that would be a massive stretch of the truth. While I physically matured with the onset of puberty, my emotional maturity lagged way behind.

While Fran dealt with insurance companies, bank accounts, lawyers, and the like, I spent my time eating and playing games. I bought all manner of junk food, sat at the computer playing mainly chess, and gorged myself on King Dons, ice cream, and potato chips. I had always been a slightly pudgy kid, but I began putting on pounds at an alarming rate.

I disguised it from Fran as best I could by wearing my baggiest tee shirts and jeans, but at dinner one night, she looked at me closely and said, “Brian, I hate to tell you, but you’re getting fat. I’ve been cutting you some slack since Momma and Daddy died, but it’s time now to knuckle down, start eating right, and get some exercise… and other things.”

This high and mighty tone of hers pissed me off. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Look, I haven’t been watching you closely enough because I’ve been busy taking care of stuff and keeping this household running, but you’re going to have to start pulling your share of the load, and that starts with taking care of your health. I’ve seen all those junk food wrappers in the garbage, and from now on, that’s going to stop. Momma wouldn’t have let you eat all that stuff.”

“Well, you’re not Momma.”

“Listen, twerp. I’m your legal guardian, and for all intents and purposes, I am your momma now, and you’re going to do what I tell you. And I don’t mind smacking you around either, like Momma and Daddy never did.”

She was angry, and I knew she meant it. “All you do is sit on your fat ass all day playing chess on the computer. It’s like an addiction with you. So is junk food. From now on, you’re going to get up early with me, and we’re going to work out together before going to school. Plus, I’m making up a schedule of chores, and you’re going to start doing more around the house.”

“Anything else, Momma?” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Yeah. I’ll still buy your food and clothes, but I’m not going to be paying you the allowance you used to get from Daddy because we can’t afford it anymore. If you want any spending money, you’re going to have to get some sort of job to earn it.”

“What do you mean? How about all the life insurance money?”

“They didn’t have nearly enough. I don’t think they counted on both of them dying at the same time, leaving us with no income. There’s enough to pay the bills and for your college, as long as you go to a state school, but there’s not much after that.”

“Jesus, Fran. You buy stuff for yourself all the time using their money.”

“What stuff? I don’t buy anything for myself that isn’t a necessity. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I didn’t either; I took a chance I’d nail her on something, but it didn’t sound like Miss Goody-Goody was fibbing about it. I clammed up after that.

“Look, Brian,” she said in a softer tone. "I know it’s been tough. But we’ve got to be tough now. Yeah, we’ve been dealt a raw deal. But it’s time for you to get beyond it now and learn to be self-sufficient.”

She tried putting her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off. I was angry at her, but I guess I was also angry at myself. She was right about things, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of admitting it.

“I’m going up to my room,” I said, petulantly, and stormed off up the stairs. When I got inside, I slammed the door and laid down on my bed with my face in the pillow. And I started crying.

This surprised me. I hadn’t cried since that initial time when Fran told me Momma and Daddy were killed. I didn’t cry at the funeral or on top of Pilot Mountain when we spread their ashes. I guess I’d been keeping it bottled up, but it came pouring out of me now. My sorrow at their death, coupled with Fran’s pointing out how self-centered and immature I’d been, made me lose it. I cried and cried until I finally stopped after what felt like ages and just laid there.

The next thing I knew, I heard a pounding on the door and Fran’s voice saying, “Time to get up, Brian. We’ve got a workout to do before breakfast.”

What was this? I couldn’t believe it. I must have fallen asleep and slept through the night. It was still dark outside the window. I guess she was serious last night about that early morning workout. Man, I had to pee real bad, though. “Alright, I’ll be there in a minute!”

It was more like five minutes, but I eventually joined her in the family room downstairs. It was 6:00 AM. Fran had a 30-minute workout routine that she had learned at junior college, and she went through it with me. To say that I struggled would be a gross understatement. I was totally out of shape, and I was exhausted after only 10 minutes, but Fran kept urging me on. I was determined to show her I wasn’t a total wimp and kept going as best I could. It ended with pushups, and by that time, I could only do five before collapsing. I was unable to push myself up again.

Fran could see I’d had enough and told me to lie on my back and relax for five minutes to cool down while she continued to do pushups. When she reached 50, she lay on her back too and relaxed for five minutes to cool down.

We finally sat up. “Hey, you did alright for your first workout,” she said. “I know it was hard, but it gets easier when you continue to do it.”

“And I’ve gotta do this every day?”

“You can have tomorrow off to ease your aching muscles, but we’ll resume the following day. After a few every-other-days while you start to build up your muscles, then you can do it with me every day.”

“Jeez, I can hardly wait!”

“Hey, you’ll get so you look forward to it. It’s a great way to start the day. Gives you lots of energy. Now why don’t you go up and take a shower, and I will too. Then I’ll even make you breakfast.”

This became our morning routine, and after a few weeks, I had to admit she was right; I did have a lot more energy. We were exercising together daily, and I could feel myself getting stronger and replacing some of that fat with muscle.

Chapter 3
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 3

By Jim Wile

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Recap of Chapter 2: Brian’s response to the grief of his parents’ death is to binge eat and play computer games while Fran takes care of business. Fran calls him on it and tells him it’s time to shape up, take better care of his health, and do more around the house. He resists and is belligerent and storms off to bed, where he cries himself to sleep.

Fran wakes him early the following morning, and they begin an exercise routine.

Chapter 3

Summer 2006

In the two years since Momma and Daddy had died, Fran got her associate's degree in law enforcement and became a deputy in the Forsyth County Sheriff’s Office. She now had a gun and a badge and wore a uniform and everything. She was a real cop, although she told me that term was usually reserved for officers in the police department rather than the sheriff’s office. It was a matter of jurisdiction, she said. Police officers are at the city level, while sheriff’s deputies are at the county level. Whatever you call her, she was perfect for the job. She was physically fit, tough, and no-nonsense when dealing with the public, especially criminals. Already, she was talking about being a detective one day.

I would be entering high school as a freshman when school started up again in the fall. I was no longer pudgy. Fran and I continued our early morning workouts together and were both into lifting now. She could bench press 140 pounds, while I was now up to almost 180. Although I kidded her about being a weakling, she said it was just nature, and I shouldn’t get cocky about it. I think she was secretly proud of me, although she never came out and said it.

I had begun mowing a few lawns when she told me I had to work to earn money. That summer, I teamed up with my buddy, Derek Shafer, and together we had six or seven customers. Now we had 18. Derek’s father owned a riding mower, which he allowed him to use on the job, while mine was a walking mower. This combination was perfect for any lot configuration, and we could mow about any size lawn. We also had a string trimmer and blower so we could really do a quality job.

As I came around into the backyard with my mower one afternoon, there was Sandi MacReady sunbathing by their pool. She was a year ahead of me in school and way out of my league in terms of looks and popularity. She had on a white bikini, which contrasted with her deep tan. With that wavy blond hair and those long, slim legs stretched out on her chaise longue, she was gorgeous.

She waved to me when I saw her, and I waved back. I began mowing the backyard, but I was very self-conscious about it with Sandi over there on the patio. I kept sneaking peeks at her. She caught me one time and beckoned me over with a wave of her hand. I shut off the mower and went over to talk to her.

“Brian Kendrick. You’re looking pretty buff these days. I never noticed before,” she said with a mischievous smile. I was surprised she’d ever even looked at me before or knew my name.

I could feel my face redden. “Hi Sandi. How’s it going?” I was hot and sweaty and probably didn’t smell the best, so I kept my distance.

“I’d be doing a lot better if I didn’t have this damn math homework to do. I was just taking a break from it. I didn’t pass math this year, so I’ve got to make it up over the summer. Hey, Brian, would you like something to drink? You look like you could use it. Do you like Sprite?”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

She got up then. I watched her as she went into the house. Man, what a body she had. Such a firm, perky ass. I started getting a hardon, so I sat down at the table so it wouldn’t be so obvious.

I glanced at her math book—Basic Algebra. There was also an open notebook and a pencil. She had been doing a few problems involving factoring quadratic equations and had made a few obvious mistakes.

Math came easily to me. I never had to study or do the homework. In class, I would learn a concept, and then I could just do it. I usually got 100 on all my math tests. It was a different story with my other subjects. My grades were okay, but not great—mostly Bs but always an A in math and English. The problem was that I hated to study. In subjects that were more fact based and required memorization of facts, like social studies, I tended not to do as well.

I did well in English because I was a reader. I loved to read and always had a novel going. I preferred this over watching TV, although I liked sci-fi shows like the Star Trek series.

Sandi returned soon with two cans of Sprite and handed me one.

“Thanks,” I said and then proceeded to down about half of it in one long pull. I stifled a burp and said, “I sure needed that.”

“I could tell.”

I didn’t want to be obvious about it, so I waited until she raised her can to take a sip before I stared at her chest. It was a skimpy bikini she wore, and boy did she fill it out well. I scooched further under the table. I think she knew what I was doing because that mischievous grin returned.

I picked up her math notebook and said, “I happened to notice you got this problem a little wrong. It looks like you added 3 instead of subtracting it.”

“Yeah, I really suck at math. It just makes no sense to me. I can do some of the computation problems, but the word problems get me every time. I don’t think I’ll ever pass math.”

I had a sudden brainstorm. “I could help you. I could tutor you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t even charge you anything.”

“Now why would you do that? Of course I would pay you. Well, my mom would anyway. You really mean it?”

“Sure. I know algebra really well. Geometry and trig too. I don’t know calculus yet, but I know all the rest.”

“We’ve got a test the day after tomorrow, and I could sure use the help. My mom’s worse than me at math, and my dad travels a lot, plus he’s a terrible explainer, and he gets very impatient with me. You want to come over tonight?”

“Uh, sure.” I was supposed to go to the movies with Derek and a couple of others, but I was positive they'd understand when I told them the reason for canceling. “Like, 7:00 maybe?”

“Yeah, that's perfect. Thanks, Brian.”

“You’re welcome. I guess I’d better get back to mowing now, or Derek will think I’m a slacker. He’s probably waiting for me out front right now. Hey, I’ll see you tonight, and thanks for the drink.”

She winked at me. I turned around then and walked back to my mower. Wow! One of the hottest girls in school, and I was going to be her tutor!

I finished up in the backyard, sneaking peeks at Sandi as often as I could. When I was all done, I waved goodbye to her as I headed back around front. Derek was now across the street mowing a different neighbor's lawn, and I joined him.

When he saw me, he stopped his engine. “Took you long enough. What the hell were you doing back there?”

“Talking with Sandi. She was sun-bathing in a little, tiny bikini.”

“No shit! And she lowered herself to talk to you?”

“What’s so surprising about that?”

“You’re not quite in her league, pal.”

“I’ve got a date with her tonight.”

Derek gaped at me. “What are you talking about? You’re going out on a date with Sandi MacReady? I don’t believe it.”

“Well, we’re not really going out. She invited me over to her house.”

“You’re full of shit. I don’t believe you for a minute. Besides, we’re going to the movies tonight with Buddy and Phil.”

“Yeah, I’ll have to take a raincheck on that. Priorities, you know.”

He looked at me closely, and I just stared back at him. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Damn straight.” I held his gaze for a few seconds, and then I couldn’t help grinning. “I’m going over there to tutor her in math. She has to make up the class this summer.”

“I knew it! That’s no date, you dork.”

“Hey, I get to spend a few hours with the hottest girl in 10th grade. That’s good enough for me.”

He smiled and shook his head as he mounted his mower, and we went back to work.

Chapter 4
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 4

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 3: 14-year-old Brian meets 15-year-old, gorgeous Sandi MacReady, while mowing her yard as she is sunbathing by the pool. He stops to talk to her, and she offers him a cold drink. While she’s getting the drinks, he notices her math homework filled with mistakes on the patio table. She had failed algebra and had to make it up during the summer. She is struggling with it, but Brian offers to tutor her since he is good at math. She readily accepts and makes arrangements for him to come over to her house that night. He tells his buddy, Derek, who he mows with, about it, and he has a hard time accepting that Brian will be spending time with a hottie like Sandi.

Chapter 4

I stewed about what to wear to Sandi’s house that night. I decided to put on my smallest T-shirt because it showed off my physique the best. I was pretty muscular for a 14-year-old from all the lifting I did with Fran. I threw on a pair of khaki shorts and my sandals and called it good.

Sandi answered the door when I rang the bell. She was dressed somewhat modestly, wearing an olive green shirt over cutoff denim shorts. She was also wearing glasses, which I’d never seen her wear before. She was so beautiful, though, that the glasses, if anything, accentuated her beauty.

After introducing me to her mom, she led me out to the porch, where there was a picnic table. The porch was in the shade, so it was very comfortable out there. Her notebook was open as well as her math book, and there were five or six sharpened pencils on the table.

“So, who’s your math teacher this summer?” I asked her.

“Mr. Brainard, and he’s terrible. He acts like he’d rather be anywhere else than teaching remedial algebra in summer school. He’s a terrible explainer, and I usually have no idea what he’s talking about.”

“Yeah, that’s tough. Math doesn’t have to be as hard as people make it. I’ve found the teacher can make a big difference in how well you understand it. So, what are you working on now?”

“We’re learning to solve quadratic equations, but I just don’t really understand how to do it.”

“Okay. Well, let’s start at the beginning. Do you know what an equation is?”

“Yeah, it’s like when one side equals something on the other side.”

“Right. And there’s always an unknown that you have to solve it for. They usually use x for the unknown. Now, do you know what a quadratic equation is?”

She hemmed and hawed for a while before I defined it for her, as well as its attributes. Then I showed her how to set the right side to 0 and factor the left side and set each of those factors to 0 to yield two values for x. The hard part was the factoring, but after lots of practice, she finally got the hang of it.

Then we looked at her homework for that night, and she was able to get through it reasonably well with a little coaching. By the time we’d finished 90 minutes later, she said, “You’re a good explainer, Brian. I get it when you explain it. It makes a lot more sense than when Mr. Brainard explained it. Do you think we could do this again next week? We’ll be onto a new topic then.”

“Sure, but maybe it would be less confusing for you in class if we tackle the next topic before he gets to it in class. Then you might understand it better when Brainard explains it.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea. He really makes me feel stupid. I’m having the test on Wednesday. Maybe you could come over on Wednesday night before he starts on the next topic on Thursday?”

“Sure. That would be great. Why don’t you find out tomorrow at class what the next topic will be, and then we’ll know what to study.”

“Okay. Hey, would you like something to drink? I should have offered it to you before this, but we got so into it, I just forgot about it. I think we’ve got some lemonade. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s great.” She left then to get the lemonade. Wow! I get another “date” with her on Wednesday night. Being so close to her left me semi-aroused the whole time, and it was a little hard to concentrate. She smelled really good too. I hoped I didn’t sound too dorky. We laughed a lot, and I felt pretty comfortable because we were sticking to a topic that I knew a lot about. God, I liked this girl. I wondered if she’d ever go out with me. I didn’t have the courage to ask her yet, though.

She returned with the lemonade and a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies—those ovals with the chocolate in the middle. I loved those guys. We sat there for a while just eating and drinking and talking about stuff. She told me she likes to draw, and I asked her to show me some of her work.

“How about if I just sketch a picture of you?”

“What, like now?”

“Sure.” She went to fetch her drawing supplies. When she returned, I said, “What should I do?”

“Just sit there is fine. This won’t take long. Don’t look until it’s finished, though.”

“Okay.” So, I just watched her as she drew me. She worked for about five minutes, then tore off the sheet and handed it to me. It was a caricature. She had drawn me with huge, bulging muscles in my arms and with a broad chest that tapered down to a slim waist. She’d made a deep cleft in my chin with a very square jaw. Everything was exaggerated, but it looked strikingly like me. It was actually very flattering, especially with all those muscles.

“That’s really good. Love what you did with my physique. You ought to set up a booth and sketch people at the Dixie Fair. You could make a lot of money.”

She smiled coyly. God was she adorable. “Thanks. Maybe I will. Hey, Brian, will $20 an hour be enough to pay you for tutoring me? My mom suggested it.”

“Sure, that’s plenty.”

“Okay, then here’s $30 for tonight. So, I guess I’ll see you again on Wednesday. Same time? Seven o’clock?”

I took the money from her. “Yep. Sounds great,” and I got up and headed for the front door. We said goodbye and I left.

Oh, man! Was this going to be a great summer with me getting to be with Sandi MacReady one or two nights a week. I was still grinning as I got home and went inside. Fran was in the family room watching a show when she saw me.

“Good movie?” she asked me, knowing that I had planned to go to the movies with the guys tonight.

“I didn’t go. I was over at Sandi MacReady’s house, tutoring her in algebra. Made $30.”

“How did you swing that?”

I told her all about how I’d talked to her this afternoon while mowing her lawn and how we’d arranged for me to tutor her.

Fran digested this for a second. “By that grin on your face when you came in, I have a feeling the money was secondary. Sandi MacReady, huh? She’s quite the looker, if I recall. Bet you had a pretty good time tutoring her.”

“Yeah, you could say that. I’m thinking of asking her out sometime.”

“No shit. She’s older than you, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, but only a year.”

“She’s what, then, a sophomore? She probably goes out with juniors and seniors. She may not want to date a freshman. I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. I think she likes me. She drew this picture of me,” and I showed her the caricature.

“She made you pretty buff. I guess she noticed. You think you wore a tight enough shirt tonight?” she said, grinning at my choice of T-shirt.

“That was the general idea.”

“Well, if you do ask her out and she says no, don’t forget I warned you.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” I sat down and watched the show with her. I spent the rest of the evening in a great mood.

Chapter 5
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 5

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 4: Brian goes to Sandi’s house that night for their first tutoring session. It goes well, and they both enjoy it.

Afterwards, Sandi draws a caricature of Brian that is very flattering. Back at home, he tells Fran about his evening, and she warns him that Sandi may only be interested in dating older guys.

Chapter 5

By the following week, Sandi had gotten her math test back. She’d scored a 79 on it, and she was ecstatic. I’d come over again for the third time to help her out with the next topic they were studying—quadratic functions and graphing.

“Brian, you helped me so much to pass this test. One more point and I would have had a B on it.”

“That’s great, Sandi. Nice going! Why don’t we start by looking at the ones you got wrong and see if we can get the right answers? Since you’re still working with quadratic equations, it will help you in this next section.”

“Okay.”

We looked over the test, and most of the mistakes she made were just miscalculations. She had the main idea right, though. At one point, she said, “Ugh! I’m so stupid!”

“Ah, you’re not that stupid.”

She looked at me and cracked up. “Gee, thanks. Only a little bit stupid, huh?”

I laughed too. This set the tone of the evening, and we laughed quite a lot together. We did manage to get some work done, though. She also showed me some of her artwork. She was quite talented with a pencil and had made some beautiful drawings. There were several pictures of scenes in Old Salem, which is located just south of downtown Winston-Salem, not too far from here. Some of the houses there date back to the 1700s. She had a flair for light and shadow, and she captured the old architecture perfectly.

I was captivated by this girl. We continued our tutoring sessions for another few weeks. The summer makeup classes lasted only six weeks, and I was sorry they would end soon. I decided I would ask her out when they were over because if she rejected me, I didn’t want it to put a crimp in our study sessions. I’m sure that would have made them awkward. So, for the next four weeks, I continued going over there twice a week in the evenings.

The night before the final test, I helped her study for it. We went over all the review questions that Mr. Brainard had provided and brushed up mostly on stuff from the beginning of the class that wasn’t so fresh in her mind.

She had pulled her class average up to 80, so even if she flagged the final, she would still pass the course. She wasn’t particularly worried about passing, but she still wanted to do well and try to get a B in the class.

This would be our last tutoring session, so it was now or never. I’d practiced what I would say to her at home, but I was still nervous about asking her out. When she closed up her notebook and gathered up all the scratch paper she’d been using, I said, “Hey, Sandi. I’ve really enjoyed these tutoring sessions and getting to know you a lot better. Do you think we could maybe continue to see each other and maybe go out sometime?”

She looked at me for a few seconds before she said, “Ah, Brian. That’s so sweet. I’ve really liked working with you too. You’re such a good teacher, but I don’t think we should go out together. I’m kind of already seeing another guy right now, plus I usually date older guys. But I’m really flattered you asked me.”

I was crushed, but Fran, as well as my friends, had warned me. I tried to put a good face on it and said, “Okay, I understand. Well, good luck on the test tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll do well because you’re not that stupid after all, right?”

We laughed about that again and said goodbye after she paid me for the session. As I walked down her walk, I turned around. She was still standing at the open door. I gave her a little wave, and she waved back, and that was that. But I was dying inside.

I told Fran about it when I got home. “Guess you were right about Sandi. I tried asking her out, but she blew me off, saying she only dates older guys. Why does that matter so much to good-looking girls?”

“I guess it’s because they can afford to be selective, and dating older guys seems more exciting and mature. Plus, they tend to have cars. When you get older, it doesn’t matter much at all, and other things matter a lot more, like being on the same wavelength about stuff and enjoying each other’s sense of humor.”

“Yeah, I get it, I guess. Thing is, we had a lot of fun together, and we laughed a lot. I guess I just wasn’t good enough for her to overcome the age thing.”

“Well, if you’re still interested in her in a few years, try again. She’ll be more mature then, and maybe she’ll reconsider.”

“Yeah, maybe. Well, thanks for not rubbing it in, Fran.”

“Hey, kid, I know what it’s like to be rejected. I’m kind of on the large side and not all that attractive. I think I intimidate a lot of guys, being a deputy too. Don’t worry about it too much. It’s part of growing up.”

“Hey, speaking of growing up, I’m going to be taking driver’s ed at school in the fall now that I’m 14½. Will you drive with me if I get a learner’s permit when I turn 15?

“Holy shit, you’re going to be old enough to drive soon! Man, where does the time go? Yeah, of course I’ll drive with you. I can’t believe it’s time for you to start driving yet.”

“Hey, I drive Derek’s tractor when we mow lawns some times. It’s not that hard.”

“Yeah, but there isn’t any traffic to share the lawn with. That’s the hard part—dealing with traffic—but I’m sure you’ll do alright and won’t try anything stupid.”

“Course not.”

“No, of course not.”

I went to bed that night feeling very deflated. Try again in a few years? I didn’t want to wait that long. We had such a good time together all those nights. Couldn’t she see how charming and mature I was for my age? So what if I’m a year younger? I knew she was impressed with my body from her reaction that first day she spotted me while sunbathing in her backyard and from the caricature she drew of me. I’m not half-bad looking either. I might even say I was fairly handsome. We seemed to get a kick out of the same things, and we laughed together all the time. So why wouldn’t she go out with me?

God, she was so beautiful. She even started wearing sexier clothes after a while. I’m sure she knew the effect she was having on me, and it was probably a trip for her to titillate me like that, even though she had no intention of taking it any further than what we were doing.

Well, I wasn’t planning to give up so easily. I would win her over. I just had to show her I was as good as those guys who were older than me.

First thing I had to do was find out who her boyfriend was. Then maybe I could show her how much better I was for her than whoever it was. I didn’t have the courage to ask her straight out who she was seeing, and I didn’t really know any of her friends to ask them. The only way I could think of to do it was to go over there in the evenings and camp out near her house—out of sight, of course—until he came over to take her out. Maybe I’d recognize him, but I could always look through the high school yearbook from last year for his picture. I was sure Derek’s older brother, who graduated last year, had one of those.

I went to sleep with that rudimentary plan in mind.

Looking back on this time in my life, I realize how creepy this whole scheme was, but I lusted after this girl, and there was almost nothing I wouldn’t do to get her to go out with me. Bear with me as I fumble my way to maturity.

Chapter 6
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 6

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 5: Brian helps Sandi study for the final. It was their last session together, and he waited until then to ask her out. She is flattered, but tells him she has a boyfriend and usually dates older guys. He is devastated but not willing to give up yet. He comes up with a plan to spy on her to see who her boyfriend is, in hopes of finding a way to show her that he is better for her than him.

Fran commiserates with him and tells him he should try again in a few years, when they are both older and more mature. Brian also mentions that he will be seeking his learner’s permit soon, and Fran promises to drive with him.

Chapter 6

Sandi lived at the bottom of a hill. The road went by her house and curved to the right, ending abruptly at a woods about 50 feet away. There was a Road Closed sign marking the end of the road, which I always thought was kind of ridiculous because, with the woods straight ahead, it was rather obvious the road was closed. At any rate, this afforded me a perfect place to stay out of sight while I watched her front door.

Being a dead end, no cars except those of the owners who lived here or an occasional visitor came down this way, so I didn’t have to put my full attention on this stakeout. I would notice any car that came by. I had brought Stephen Hawking’s The Theory of Everything with me to pass the time. I loved Stephen Hawking’s books. What a brilliant guy. By 9:00, there’d been no action, and it was getting pretty dark. I didn’t figure she’d be going out after 9:00, so I packed it in for the night and rode home.

The same thing happened again the following night. So far, this plan was a bust, but at least I was getting a lot of reading in.

It was all worth it on the third night, though. Jackpot! A blue convertible pulled up, parked in her driveway, and a tall, well-built guy got out and headed up the walk to the front door. Oh, shit. I knew who it was. His name was Josh Bennett, and he was the center on the basketball team and would be a senior this year. What chance did I have against that guy?

Before he reached the front door, it opened, and Sandi came out. She was probably watching for him. She had on a tank top and a pair of low-cut denim shorts that showed off her skinny waist. She looked fantastic. They walked to his car with his arm around her waist, and they were laughing about something. Josh backed out of her driveway, and they headed up the street, leaving me more depressed than ever.

I guess I should have figured he’d be a good-looking, bigshot kind of dude, but Josh Bennett? How could I ever compete with him? Alright, now I knew who he was, so what was I going to do with this information? I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I went home and stewed about it.

In a few weeks, summer came to an end, and school started up again. I’d seen Sandi once or twice while over there mowing her yard, but only to wave at her. She never invited me over for another drink or anything. Josh was even there one time, swimming in her pool with her.

In the middle of September, the sports boosters were holding a car wash to raise money for the sports programs at the high school. I wasn’t into any team sports, but I figured I might get a chance to be with Sandi again, who I was sure would be participating. She was a cheerleader after all. I rode my bike over to the high school parking lot, where the car wash was being held.

The operation was divided into four stations, with four kids assigned to each. One team did the sudsing, one the rinsing, one the drying, and one worked on the wheels. The teams were constantly changing as kids came and went, putting in as many hours as they felt like.

Sure enough, I spotted Sandi working at the rinsing station. Also working there on the same side of the car was a fat kid named Dallas Seifts, who was in my English class. He was the equipment manager of the JV football team. He looked pretty sweaty, as if he’d been there for a while working in the hot sun. The temperature was in the high 80s today, which isn’t at all unusual for North Carolina in mid-September.

“Hey, Dallas,” I called to him as I walked up. “You look like you could use a break and maybe a cold drink. Why don’t you let me take over for you?”

“Gladly. Thanks.” He handed me his hose and made a beeline for the refreshment table.

“Hey, Sandi,” I said as I took up his place in the rinsing crew on her side of the cars that came through.

“Hey, Brian. You planning to go out for a sports team this year?”

Honestly, I’d never even thought about it, but I had to say something to explain why I might have shown up at an event to raise money for sports. Obviously, I couldn’t tell her the real reason I was here, so I said, “Yeah, I was thinking of joining the wrestling team and putting these huge muscles that you drew on me that time to good use.” I flexed my arms, and she laughed.

She had on a really short pair of cutoff shorts, and she’d tied a red flannel shirt up just under her breasts so her flat stomach was exposed. She looked as gorgeous as always.

“So, Sandi, how did you end up doing on your math final?”

“Pretty good! I got an 82, and I actually finished with a B in the class, which really helps my GPA. I couldn’t have done it without your help, Brian. Fortunately, I only have to take geometry, and then I can be done with math forever!”

“Yeah, well, if you need any help with that, you know where to find me.”

“I may take you up on that.”

We started talking about this and that as we rinsed cars, a steady stream of which had been coming through all morning. I was really enjoying talking to her and squirting her with the hose a few times. She seemed to be enjoying it too, and squirted me back. It was going great until Josh Bennett showed up and took over for one of the two other kids in our crew on the other side of the cars.

“Hi, Sandi,” he said as he looked across the car at her.

“Hi, Josh. Do you know the other two in our group here? That’s Carlyn Ernst on your side, and this is Brian Kendrick over here.”

He said hi to both of us. I didn’t respond. He and Sandi started talking to each other over the cars, and after a while, he asked me if he could switch sides with me. I didn’t want to sound like a petty jerk by refusing to switch, so I reluctantly switched with him.

Sandi and Josh kept up their chatter, and I was now left completely out. The other girl, Carlyn, tried talking to me, but I didn’t feel like talking to her—only to Sandi.

I started registering a slow burn. I couldn’t compete with this guy, except maybe on one front. He didn’t strike me as all that bright from their conversation. Maybe I could outwit him with my superior intelligence by trying to engage him in a conversation.

“So, Josh. What’s your favorite subject in school this year?”

This question came out of the blue and was apropos of nothing he and Sandi had been talking about. It threw him, and he just looked at me blankly for a few seconds before answering. “Uh, phys. ed., I guess.”

“No, I mean a real subject like physics or calculus or western civilization or something.”

He thought for a few seconds more. “History, I guess.”

“Ah, history. Have you ever read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking? I guess that’s more about science than history, but anyway, have you read anything by him?”

“Uh, no.”

“Yeah, it’s really fascinating. You ever hear of a wormhole?”

“Worm hole? Like you’d get a night crawler out of for bait?”

“Not exactly. According to Hawking, it’s more like a connection between far distant points in the space-time continuum. You know what that is, don’t you?”

“Uh, not really. I don’t go in for that kind of stuff very much.”

“Very much, or not at all?”

He just looked at me and didn’t reply. I glanced over at Sandi, who was frowning.

“Never mind; I’m just messing with you. Anyway, wormholes are shortcuts through the space-time continuum that supposedly could allow for time travel, but Hawking believes that even if you can travel through a wormhole, you couldn’t travel through time without creating major inconsistencies or paradoxes.” No reply from Josh.

Sandi had heard enough. “Hey, Brian, come here for a second,” and she led me away from the line and out of hearing from the rest. “What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to have a conversation with your boyfriend.”

“Sounds to me like you’re trying to put him down. Look, he may not be as smart as you, but he’s a really nice guy. Otherwise, he’d probably pound you for trying to make him look dumb. He’s too polite for that, though. Why don’t you just lay off?”

I realized then how stupid and childish I must have sounded. Josh did seem like a nice enough kid, if not overly bright. I think I really blew it with Sandi.

“Look, Brian, I know what you’re trying to do, but that’s the wrong way to go about it. Let’s just be friends, huh, and I’ll try to forget about this? Okay?”

God, I felt like a fool. “Yeah, sure. I’m an idiot.”

She headed back to the car and picked up her hose. I felt so ridiculous that, rather than resume washing cars, I turned and fled and didn’t look back.

So much for Sandi MacReady… for now anyway.

Chapter 7
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 7

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 6: Brian’s plan to spy on Sandi eventually works, and he finds out the identity of her boyfriend. A few weeks later, he participates in a school car wash to raise money for sports because he knows Sandi will be there. She is, and he gets to work next to her, washing cars. They joke around and have fun.

Eventually her boyfriend shows up, and Sandi begins ignoring Brian. Brian sees his chance to one-up the guy by using his intelligence to put the boyfriend down, but his efforts only succeed in angering Sandi, who calls him on it. He apologizes and leaves in embarrassment.

Chapter 7

What had gotten into me to have acted like such an ass. What I did to Josh was mean and cruel, and I’m not like that. Although I left Sandi alone after that embarrassing episode, I still ravished her in my mind before going to sleep each night—with predictable results. I had developed all sorts of fantasy scenarios, each with the same ecstatic ending.

Sandi’s rejection resulted in a hit to my self-confidence. Never particularly outgoing to begin with, I became more reclusive, preferring solitary pursuits. I continued to play a lot of online chess and read a great deal in my spare time.

My cat, Chloe, must have sensed my down moods and kept me company continuously. She would jump up and sit on my lap after my workouts and lick the sweat off my bare legs. She would similarly jump up and sit on my lap whenever I was at the computer playing chess.

Fran and I continued our early morning workouts, so even with my solitary, sedentary pursuits, I was still in great physical shape.

When I turned 15, I immediately applied for my learner’s permit. I loved to drive, and Fran was a good instructor. The goal was to get my own car and to be able to drive myself to school and other places when I turned 16, which was the legal age in North Carolina. I was a sophomore by then, and I passed the driving test on my first try.

I had a few hundred dollars saved up from my lawn mowing, which I continued to do, and Fran chipped in another $200, which was enough to purchase a 12-year-old dented Volkswagen Beetle with 180,000 miles on it. It got me where I needed to go, but that’s all that could be said about it.

It was a Friday night in July when I was 16 that Derek told me about a party being held at the home of a kid named Don Robbins. Fran was at a 4-day training session in Raleigh. She had never left me alone, unsupervised, for this amount of time. If I was going out in the evening when she was at home, she always asked where I was going, and I never lied to her. It’s not wise to lie to the police, especially when they are your big sister; they have an uncanny way of verifying the truth. But she wasn’t around to grill me about it that night, so I took advantage of my respite from her and decided to go to the party. I’d heard that Don’s parents wouldn’t be around. If Fran had known about this, she would never have let me go. There were no invitations, and anyone who knew about it could show up.

Don Robbins was a rich kid who lived in a huge house on thirty acres on the outskirts of town. A quarter-mile, winding driveway through the woods led from the main road to his estate, I guess you’d call it.

Loud music by the Foo Fighters was blaring from the house when I pulled up and parked. The front door was open, and I could see a ton of kids inside. The smell of what was probably weed was everywhere. I’d never smoked weed before, but when someone handed me a joint when I walked in the door, I took a big hit. I immediately coughed it out.

The kid who handed it to me laughed. “Go easy, man. This is some good shit.”

I tried a much smaller hit this time and managed to hold it in. Derek was already there, and he came over when he saw me. I passed him the joint, and he took a hit too.

“This is my first time smoking weed,” I said to him.

“Yeah, well, take it slow and enjoy it, dude. You won’t need much; this is some really powerful stuff. Only the best from Don Robbins, you know.”

Already, I started feeling the effects, and I mellowed right out. I looked around and marveled at what I saw. This place was huge, and there were at least 100 kids milling around. The ceiling of the white marble entry hall was 20 feet high, and a curved stairway led to the second floor. I could see kids up there too. Some appeared much older than me, and I was sure a few were college kids.

I saw Don in the family room. He was over by a wet bar in the middle of a group of kids, wearing a retro Nehru jacket. I could see a keg of beer on the bar and a number of bottles of booze on the wall behind the bar. I caught his eye and gave him a two-finger salute. He saluted me back and waved me over.

“Hey, Brian. Welcome to my humble abode,” he said as I joined the group around him. “Beer or something harder?” he asked me. I had never drunk alcohol either and decided to settle for a beer. I poured myself one from the tap on the keg. I filled it too full, and the foam ran all over the floor. He just laughed.

The weed was really kicking in now. I said, “Oops,” and started laughing almost uncontrollably. Man, I felt incredible. I could get used to this. A flickering image of Fran crossed my mind, but I quickly suppressed it.

I enjoyed a few refills from the tap following that first cup, and the combination of the weed and the beer was pure pleasure, unlike anything I had previously experienced. It was difficult to talk to anyone, though, because the music was so loud, so I decided to head out through a large set of French doors that opened onto a patio, and just beyond that, a large swimming pool.

A number of kids were in the pool, and many of the girls had taken their bikini tops off. That was a sight to behold! Everyone seemed to be high on one substance or another. Some were dancing on the pool deck; others had paired off and were making out. More joints were being passed around, and I took another couple of hits when they were passed my way.

Then I spotted Sandi, who had just stepped out of the pool. I watched her dry herself off and head to a nearby table, where she opened up a tote bag and pulled out a hairbrush. She ran it through her long, straight hair. I caught her eye and waved to her from the other side of the pool deck. She waved back and smiled.

My obsession with her had gradually begun to fade over the last year or so, but seeing her again like that drew me to her like a magnet, and I headed over to talk to her. As I made my way over, a couple other guys similarly flocked to her like moths to a flame.

Little did I know it at the time, but the course of my life for the next 16 years would be set in the next few minutes. I can trace it back to the moment I saw Sandi emerge from the pool. We never know at the time how significant a brief encounter like that will become and what chain of events will inexorably follow. I’ve had years to think about it, filled with regrets that I’d ever gone to that party in the first place. If only we had the ability to anticipate these key moments and to steer away from whatever it was that drew us to them.

And yet, who can foresee all the consequences that may, in time, result from them?

Just as I reached her, so did the other two guys. The shorter of the two gave her a quick kiss on the mouth. He started to say something to her, but I cut right in. “Hey, Sandi. Great party, huh?”

The three of them turned to look at me. “Hey, Brian. How’s it going?”

“Feeling just fine.” Without my normal inhibitions or good sense, I had a stupid grin on my face and found myself staring at her chest in that tiny bikini top. A quick glance at the guy who had kissed her revealed a frown and a steely look. I was bigger than this kid—maybe three inches taller—though he looked older than me. A college kid, perhaps. I’d had a growth spurt in the last year and was up to 6’ now, and I’d also put on inches in my chest size and overall physique. I wasn’t intimidated by him. I smiled at him, feeling very macho by comparison, as he continued to frown. “Hey there, dude,” I said to him, but he stayed silent and just glared.

Sandi sensed what was happening between us, and in order to forestall any potential trouble, she said, “Yeah, Brian. We’ve been here awhile, and we were just planning to leave.”

“Ah, don’t go yet, Sandi. We can still have a good time. Did you try any of that weed that’s going around?”

“Listen, pal,” said steely-eyes, “you may want to just back off now.”

“Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it… pal?” I said as I extended my arm and put my hand on his shoulder. We were standing fairly close to the pool. He swatted it away.

“I’m warning you.” He was really fuming now.

I smiled then and said, “Hey, I’m just funning with you. I didn’t mean anything by it.” I made like I was walking away, but as I crossed in front of him, I bumped him with my hip, and he lost his balance and toppled backward into the pool.

“Brian! What’s gotten into you? You’re being a real asshole. If you think acting like a tough guy is going to impress me, you’re sadly mistaken. Why don’t you just leave me alone? I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

This all came out in a rush, and she looked furious with me. I was immediately humbled. “Sandi, you’re right. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean anything. That was dumb. Please give me another chance to make it up to you. I’m crazy about you.”

I was groveling now, just hoping she could eventually forgive me and see how much I adored her. But she wanted no part of me any longer.

“I meant what I said. I’m done with you. Don’t come near me again!”

I was suddenly stricken with panic, and I fled. I ran back into the house, through it, and out the front door. I made for my car, fumbled with the keys, and got in. I started it up and accelerated out of there, eventually going about 40 miles an hour down the long, curvy driveway. All of a sudden, as the lights from the house no longer lit the way, it was dark, and I couldn’t see because I’d neglected to turn on my headlights. As I looked down to find the switch, I felt a sudden impact and then oblivion.

Chapter 8
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 8

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 7: Brian soon turns 15, gets his learner’s permit, and begins to drive. At 16, he gets his license and buys a used car. One summer night, while Fran is in Raleigh on a four-day training session, he hears of a party at a rich friend’s house and goes to it. The kid’s parents are not at home, and drugs and alcohol are rampant. Brian tries both marijuana and alcohol for the first time.

It's been over a year since the snafu at the car wash, and his passion for Sandi has cooled a little but instantly comes roaring back when he sees her at the party. Emboldened by his uninhibited condition, he seeks her out, but she has another boyfriend by this time. Brian tries to impress Sandi by being macho with the boyfriend, and he ends up pushing him into the pool. Sandi is irate and chews him out, telling him she never wants to talk to him again. He is instantly humbled and tries to apologize to her, but she refuses to forgive him. He flees the party, humiliated by his behavior and the devastating knowledge that he’ll never have Sandi now. He speeds away in his car, neglecting to turn the headlights on. When the lights of the party no longer light up the way, he crashes his car in the dark and passes out.

Chapter 8

It was after me!

I had been spelunking in Boone’s Cave near Lexington and took a turn in the dark that separated me from the rest. I headed down the wide passage by myself and soon realized I was all alone. No matter. I would catch up with them later on the outside. As I continued down the passage, it began to narrow. I thought I heard footsteps behind me, so I stopped to listen but heard nothing. I turned to look back but didn’t see anything either, so I beckoned, “Hey guys?”

No answer, but as I resumed walking forward, the sound of the footsteps began again. Once more, I stopped and shouted, “You guys back there?” but still no answer. The tunnel I was in was lit only by my headlamp. I felt the first tickling of fear.

As I proceeded forward, the tunnel began to narrow. The walls and the ceiling began closing in, although I could still walk upright. All of a sudden, my light flickered and went out, and my fear rose up a notch. This tunnel was supposed to lead to the outside, so I continued forward, refusing to give in to the uneasy feeling. It started to get very cold—much colder than the usual 52 degrees. I started shivering as I stumbled ahead in the dark. After some minutes, I heard a deep-throated voice say, “Had enough yet?”

Enough what? I didn’t know what it was talking about, but this question sent a more intense pang of fear through me. I turned to the sound of the voice in the dark and shouted, “Who are you?” but the voice only laughed at me.

“Don’t you know?”

And then I heard the footsteps pick up pace as it headed toward me. I turned back around and fled down the tunnel in the dark. I didn’t want to face this thing, whatever it was. As I ran, my head began to bump against the top of the cave overhead. It was narrowing at an alarming rate, and I had to duck down as I ran. I had no idea where I was going in the dark, and there was nothing to guide me. The voice began laughing at me as it closed the gap between us.

In sheer panic now, I sped forward, but suddenly I was falling. After what seemed like minutes, I struck the bottom and must have passed out.

I don’t know how long I remained at the bottom of the vertical shaft in the cave that I had run into, but in a dreamlike state, I began to hear a gentle voice calling to me from a long way off. As I slowly became aware of my surroundings, I felt stabbing pains in my mid-back and neck, and I felt myself whimpering, which soon led to moaning. The gentle voice persisted, and I felt a steady shaking of my arm. I could feel my eyes flutter as I slowly opened them, and the image of Fran took focus in the dim light.

“Hello, Brian.”

I came fully awake then and said, “Where am I?”

“You’re in a private room at Baptist Hospital. You were in a coma for almost two days now. Welcome back.”

“How did I get here? What happened?”

“Let me go get your nurse first, now that you’ve awakened from the coma. Then I’ll explain it to you as best I can. There are a lot of unanswered questions, though.”

Rather than push the call button to summon the nurse, Fran got up and left the room. I guess she figured it might get the nurse here faster.

While she was away from the room, I tried remembering what happened, but my thoughts were all jumbled, and I was distracted by the pain in my neck and back, which hurt like hell. I had never felt pain like this, and it was almost more than I could bear.

I seem to remember escaping in the dark in fear, then crashing into something, but that seemed more like a dream. I didn’t have long to wonder until Fran returned with both the nurse and a tall, thin Asian doctor.

“Hello, Brian. I’m Dr. Chen. Do you know where you are now?”

“Baptist Hospital.”

“Can you remember what happened to you?”

“Not too clearly. Could I maybe get something for my pain?”

“How much does it hurt on a zero-to-ten scale, with zero meaning no pain and ten being the worst pain possible?”

“Eleven.”

Dr. Chen smiled grimly and instructed the nurse to prepare a course of intravenous morphine after doing some calculations.

“Brian, apparently you crashed your car into a tree at a high rate of speed. Evidence showed you were not wearing a seatbelt, and consequently, your head hit the windshield, which shattered on impact. Your body also crashed into the steering wheel. You suffered a severe concussion, and the fact that you are in great pain now indicates that there is likely some degree of injury to your spinal column. Can you raise your hand and squeeze my two fingers with your left hand?”

He had extended his right hand to me, and I squeezed the two fingers.

“Good. Now the right hand.”

I repeated the action with my right hand.

“Very good. Now, can you move each leg, one at a time?”

I was able to do that as well.

“Excellent. You don’t seem to suffer from any paralysis, but it will take some testing to diagnose the source or sources of your pain. However, I’m encouraged by what I’ve seen so far. You are very lucky the accident wasn’t more serious, although it was plenty serious enough.”

I didn’t feel so damn lucky. I was still in extreme pain while the nurse was getting the morphine infusion ready.

Dr. Chen said, “I’m going to schedule some tests for later this afternoon to see if we can figure out where that pain is coming from. The morphine will make you feel a lot more comfortable soon.” He made some notes on my chart before leaving.

The nurse eventually got the IV going, and the pain lessened almost instantly. It wasn’t complete relief, but the pain was substantially better than before.

“Are you up for talking about it now?” said Fran.

“I suppose. Last thing I remember, I was leaving a party at Don Robbins’s house, and then I was going through a cave being chased by someone, and I fell. But that doesn’t make any sense. That part must have been a dream.”

“Well, you were at a party at Don Robbins’s house, and according to the police report, you apparently missed a turn in the driveway on your way out. It said the headlights weren’t on, and you weren’t wearing a seatbelt, and you must have been going very fast to have totaled your car and injured yourself the way you did. Now why were you leaving the party in such a reckless fashion?”

Maybe she took pity on me because I was hurt since her voice stayed even. She wasn’t hollering at me, as she was prone to do sometimes. I just lay there trying to recall the events that led to the sudden departure, and she patiently waited for me to continue. Crashed my car? No, that was Momma and Daddy.

“I suggest you don’t try to make up some story to explain this, Brian. I’m pretty good at knowing when you’re lying.”

“I’ll tell you the truth as soon as I can piece together the details in my mind.” It began coming back to me what happened, and a sense of shame and embarrassment dominated my feelings about it as I remembered the events of that night.

What is it about this family and car crashes? Although both were caused by thoughtless stupidity, Momma and Daddy’s hadn’t been their fault, whereas I was totally to blame for mine. And yet, they died, and I lived. The irony and lack of justice were overwhelming.

I ended up confessing everything to Fran as best I could remember. When I had finished, she looked at me for a few seconds before saying anything. The look on her face was inscrutable. At least she didn’t appear furious at me.

“Brian, I know you’re aware you did a lot of things wrong that night and used some extremely poor judgment. You don’t need me screaming at you or punishing you; I daresay your condition now will be punishment enough. I just hope you learn from this. You have a tendency to get obsessed with things, not the least of which is pursuing Sandi the way you have. You got lucky you didn’t kill yourself in that accident, and you have a chance now to make some changes in your life. I hope you’ll make them.”

She was right, of course. I acted like a complete idiot last Friday night. But if the pain I suffered from was supposed to be the gift of a tough lesson for me, it was a gift that kept on giving.

Tests, including X-rays and MRIs, revealed that I had three herniated discs in my neck and thoracic region of my spine, a couple of subluxations in which the discs had become misaligned, and a few sites of foraminal stenosis (narrowing of the channels the spinal nerves run through). The subsequent impingement on a number of spinal nerves caused me a great deal of pain when my meds wore off.

I stayed in the hospital for three days and left with a 3-month prescription for OxyContin. This kept me reasonably comfortable through the day. Opioids like Oxy were not so heavily regulated in 2008, and when I ran out after 2 ½ months, the doctor cautioned me not to exceed the dose or the frequency, but he was still willing to renew the prescription for another two months.

He wanted me to begin physical therapy to help ease the pain, and I started attending three sessions a week. I did the exercises my therapist gave me, but they didn’t appear to help very much.

During this period of recuperation, Chloe the cat was my constant companion and stayed with me much of the time. She was 14 years old now and only occasionally went outside anymore. I would discuss things with her, like about what a jerk I had been towards Sandi and her boyfriends, attempting to be someone I wasn’t in both cases.

Our house had an unfinished attic upstairs that we used for storage. The house had been built to have optional bedrooms and bath upstairs and could be converted, but we just always used it for storage. Chloe loved it for some reason. It got quite warm in there during the summer and cold in the winter, but she didn’t seem to mind. We used to keep a rolled-up hand towel on the floor between the door and the jamb to keep it ajar and allow her to go in and out by herself.

School had started up again by now, and I had a good excuse to get out of gym class. I also had the first of my surgeries to repair the herniated discs. This proved only mildly successful. I continued with PT, but again, relief was slight. The only thing that really seemed to help was the Oxy. And besides the pain control, taking Oxy felt really good, giving me a nice high.

When that prescription ran out, the doctor wouldn’t renew it except for just enough to follow a tapering off schedule he provided.

Chapter 9
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 9

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 8: Brian slowly wakes up from a dream in which some unknown presence is chasing him through a dark cave. He finds himself being awakened by Fran, and he is in the hospital following a crash into trees as he was exiting the party. He is in great pain due to injuries to the spine in his neck and upper back. He confesses to Fran what led up to the accident. After three days, he leaves the hospital with a prescription for Oxycontin.

After a few months, he is given another refill for it and begins physical therapy, which doesn’t help very much. When the Oxy runs out, the doctor refuses to give him any more except just enough to taper off with.

Chapter 9

Tapering off an opioid is necessary to avoid withdrawal symptoms from cutting it off suddenly. The schedule the doctor gave me would take two months to taper off completely. As the taper progressed, my pain level increased substantially, which showed me I was not ready to come off the Oxy yet. The doctor would not, however, prescribe any more. He did give me a prescription for more physical therapy, which I told him was virtually worthless, but he said to give it more time and to make sure I did the recommended exercises regularly at home.

Following the accident, I had stopped the early morning workouts with Fran, and my muscles weakened considerably.

“Brian,” she said to me one day, “it doesn’t seem like you’ve been putting enough effort into your PT exercises. In fact, I haven’t noticed you doing any for quite some time. I’m sure your therapist told you that you would need to continue with them after the PT sessions were over.”

“They didn’t help very much. It’s hard to tell if they’re helping at all.”

“I know you haven’t been able to resume our regular morning workouts, but it’s time for you to start up again by doing your PT exercises every morning with me.”

“But I told you they don’t help. So what’s the point?” I said, starting to feel peeved.

“That’s because you didn’t do them enough. I saw you half-assing your way through them when you did them at all, always cheating on the number of reps. You’ve been too dependent on the pills up ‘til now, but since the doctor won’t prescribe any more, it’s time to get serious about them. That’s all you’ve got.”

She was right, of course. She’s always right. I hadn’t been very serious about them. So, I began getting up early with her again and working on them each morning.

As the two-month taper-off period ended, I was still in considerable pain, even though I’d been putting a good effort into the early morning exercises. Fran made sure of that. After a couple of months of this, the pain had plateaued. I was very discouraged. It wasn’t what I’d call excruciating, but still at what I’d consider a level 6, and it was there 100% of the time.

The pain scale calls level 6 a severe pain, and it took its toll on a number of things. Grass-growing season in North Carolina begins in March or early April, and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to resume mowing again with Derek Shafer this spring. I’d missed a month of it after the accident last summer, but finished out the fall under the influence of the Oxy. Without it, and with the way I felt then, I had my doubts about continuing. That meant no source of income for me.

I was talking to Derek about this one Saturday afternoon in March. I had gone to his house to play some computer games. “I’m going to give mowing a shot, but there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to do it for very long. You might consider finding someone else to partner with or dropping some of our customers.”

“Dude, let’s just play it by ear,” he said.

“Okay. I don’t know what I’m going to do for money if it doesn’t work out. Big sis won’t give me an allowance.”

Mrs. Shafer popped her head in the door just then and said, “Derek, you and Brian better wind it down now. You’ve got that paper to write for English, which you haven’t started yet. When did you say it was due?”

“Monday. Okay, Mom. We’ll play one more game, and then I’ll kick him out.”

“It’s been nice seeing you again, Brian,” she said to me.

“Yeah, you too, Mrs. Shafer. Thanks again for lunch.” She had made us some sandwiches.

When she left, Derek said, “Christ, I’d forgotten about that damn paper. I haven’t even read the book it’s supposed to be about—just sort of skimmed through parts. I really suck at writing papers too. Never got more than a C on one.

“How about if I write it for you? I won’t charge you too much. What book was it on?”

“Wuthering Heights. Have you read it?”

“Yeah, I’ve read it. I remember it pretty well too. So, what do you say I write the paper for $25? I’ll even dumb it down and get you a B on it. Teacher might get suspicious if you get an A all of a sudden.”

“Yeah, good idea.”

“So, what’s the topic of the essay?”

“How does Emily Bronte explore the theme of obsession in Wuthering Heights?”

“Perfect. No problem. How long does it have to be?”

“At least 1,000 words.”

“I’ll email it to you by tomorrow evening. Just delete the email after you store the Word file, would you?”

“You got it. Here’s the $25 now,” he said as he opened his wallet and extracted the bills. “Hey, maybe this would be a good way to make money in case mowing doesn’t work out.”

“Son of a bitch, you’re right! I’m sure there’s lots of kids who would want to buy papers from me. English or history.”

“I’ll mention it to a few kids if you’d like?”

“Sure. Just be discreet about it. I could get in trouble for this.”

And that’s how my bootleg paper-writing business began. As word about it slowly spread, I got more and more customers—even for term papers. I might charge $200 for one of those because they often required doing research, but there were a few rich kids in school willing to pay the price.

I began making more money than I ever did mowing lawns. But it wasn’t just the money. One kid named Joey Sanchez didn’t have any cash at the moment, but he had something even better.

When I told him his essay would cost $50, he said, “Look, Brian, I don’t have enough cash right now, but you ever had Oxy?”

He had my full attention. “Uh, yeah. Feel like bartering?”

“My dad has been taking it lately, and I can probably steal a few pills from his bottle without him noticing.”

“What’s the strength?”

“They’re 80s.”

“Alright, you get me five of them, and you’ve got a deal.”

The following day, he surreptitiously handed me an envelope with the pills, and I got started on his paper. What a relief to finally have some Oxy again!

Getting another taste of it after a few months off made me begin craving it again. I went through those five pills in no time. It was lucky that he had some to pay me with, but I couldn’t count on that very often. I decided to pay a visit to Ricky Bader, who was a known drug dealer in my high school. I had resisted doing this until now, hoping that PT and the regular exercise routine would lessen my pain, but it was clearly not working well enough and didn’t come close to the relief I got from Oxy. And there was the added benefit of a good high.

I’d saved up quite a bit of money from my bootleg paper business, and I purchased a two-week supply of Oxy from Ricky. This set me back $300, but it was worth it. Those two weeks were the best I felt in a long time. I became a regular customer of his after that, which started eating into my savings as I didn’t earn quite enough to keep up with it.

Fran noticed my improved mood and overall sense of relaxation. “Brian, I think the exercises are working. What do you think?”

Obviously, I couldn’t tell her the real reason, so I just went along with it and said, “I do feel better lately. I think I might even try starting to mow lawns again and see how it goes.”

“That’s good. I think sitting down all the time doesn’t do your back any good. You’ve got to keep moving. Mowing lawns should be perfect as long as you use the walking mower, not the riding mower. I’m really happy for you that the pain is lessening.”

I felt kind of bad for misleading her about the real source of improvement, but the relief I was getting from Oxy more than made up for it.

Mowing lawns was going to be essential because school would be over in a few weeks, and my paper-writing business would dry up almost completely during the summer. There might still be the occasional kid who’d flunked English or history and would need my services during the summer, but that wouldn’t be enough to sustain my new habit.

I announced to Derek that I’d definitely be interested in working again this summer. I’d already started mowing on a limited basis, and back under the influence of Oxy, I could do it comfortably enough.

Chapter 10
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 10

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 9: Brian tapers off Oxycontin because his doctor wouldn’t prescribe any more, but he is still in considerable pain. He goes to PT, but it doesn’t help much. Fran insists that he begin the early morning exercise routine with her again, doing his PT exercises seriously rather than half-assed as he had been doing them.

One day at his friend Derek’s house, he gets the idea to write an essay for Derek and charge him money for it. He thus begins a bootleg paper-writing business and begins earning good money from many customers. One time he is paid with Oxy pills, and this renews his addiction. He begins buying the pills illegally from a dealer at school. When school ends for the year, his business dries up, so he begins mowing lawns again to earn enough for his habit.

Chapter 10

I worked hard mowing lawns that summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school and made good money. Some of it I saved to buy myself another used car, but the rest went toward the purchase of Oxy and a bit of weed too.

As far as I could tell, Fran knew nothing about the drugs. If she found out, I would have been in big trouble; she was a deputy after all, and the drugs were illegal. Plus, she would have been very disappointed in me.

But she didn’t understand the pain I was in. How could she when she’d never experienced anything like chronic, severe pain? Everyone has acute pain from time to time, but chronic pain is another matter altogether. At the time, I tried to fool myself into thinking that was the whole story, but truth be told, I loved the Oxy high. I was addicted, and unlike the first time, there was no one forcing me to taper off.

When school started up again in the late summer, I continued to mow lawns, primarily on weekends, and resumed my bootleg paper business. I had a number of repeat customers and occasionally a new one. This became fairly time-consuming, and my own grades suffered for it, although I continued getting A’s in math and science. I took advanced placement classes in both. But my grades in other classes went downhill, including my normally strong English grades, as I had little time to read the books anymore.

The money was good, though, and I had no trouble supplying myself with Oxy. The thing about narcotics is that eventually, it takes more and more to get the same effect since your body develops a tolerance for them. I began buying 120s and later even 160s.

Fran never suspected anything, as far as I knew. With the exception of increased acne, there were no other effects on my appearance. But lots of teenagers have acne; she still had some herself. She must have noticed the increase in it, though, because one day I found a tube of Clearasil lying on my bed.

One evening at dinner, she said, “I was looking over your report card that was just sent. You did well in organic chemistry and calculus, but what’s with the C's in your other subjects? You’ve never gotten a C in English class before. What’s the story?”

I thought fast. “Well, I’d already read some of the books assigned to us a few years ago, so I didn’t bother reading them again. I guess my memory of ‘em wasn’t so good because I didn’t do well on a couple of the tests.”

“What about history?”

“I don’t really give a shit about history. Lot of memorization of facts to do well on the tests. C’s in history are good enough for me.

“Look, are you interested in going to college?”

“Yeah, but all we can afford is NC State, and you don’t need the best grades to get in there. I’m sure I’ll do well on the SAT tests. My grades won’t matter that much. Your grades weren’t that great either, you know.”

“Yes, I’m aware, but it wasn’t through lack of effort. Look, Brian, you’re a lot smarter than me. I couldn’t have taken the courses you’re taking, but I worked pretty hard in the ones I took. You’re probably right about getting into NC State, but a little more time spent on homework isn’t going to kill you. Knowledge about stuff is good for its own sake, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” I just agreed with her so she’d shut up about it.

I was relieved she didn’t pursue it any further than that. She didn’t seem to be suspicious of the real reason: With the number of papers I was writing for kids, I simply didn’t have the time to spend on my own studies.

Over time, as my tolerance for Oxy increased, even the 160s I was buying weren’t quite doing the job for my pain. I began crushing the pills, which I’d been told would increase their absorption. Man, did it ever, and the increase in the high I got was beyond belief! But the increased drug use was causing me memory problems. I started forgetting to bring the garbage toter out to the street to be collected on garbage nights, and Fran bawled me out more than once for this.

I would occasionally forget to feed Chloe, but she had never been particularly interested in food and only bugged me about it after I’d missed a couple of meals in a row.

One evening, Fran said, “Have you seen Chloe? I can’t remember seeing her for a while.”

My heart skipped a beat when she said this. I hadn’t even thought about Chloe for a few days. I don’t remember feeding her or cleaning her litter box either. “Uh, yeah, I saw her go out her cat door this morning,” I lied. “She’s probably still outside.”

But another couple of days went by, and there was still no sign of her. I began getting worried. I hadn’t remembered seeing her for four or five days now, either.

It wasn’t until I’d gone upstairs to the attic to retrieve a warming tray we kept up there that I realized why we hadn’t seen her. The door to the walk-up attic, which was normally kept open with the rolled-up towel, was closed. It was a self-closing door that would close on its own unless propped open. I feared the worst. When I opened the door, a smell wafted out, and I knew what had happened to Chloe. She had gotten herself closed in there. Somehow, the towel had become dislodged. Her meows were normally very quiet, and even though she probably meowed as loudly as she could to try to get our attention, it didn’t penetrate through that closed door. She was lying stretched out on her side, stiff as a board, when I found her.

I knew this was my fault. Cats can survive about ten days without food, but without water, it’s more like three or four. She’d been here at least that long. How could I not have noticed her absence or that I hadn’t been feeding her?

While I was thinking about this, I heard Fran coming up the attic stairs.

“Brian, what’s that smell? As soon as you came up to get the tray I asked you for, I smelled it.”

When she saw a lifeless Chloe on the floor, she said, “Oh no!” She just stared at the cat and didn’t say anything for a while. I could see the wheels turning in her head.

“Wait a second. I thought you said you saw her this morning going through her cat door. If she came in later and got trapped up here, she wouldn’t smell like that yet. She’s probably been trapped in here for days. How could this happen? Haven’t you been feeding her regularly? What’s going on here, Brian?”

There was nothing I could come up with to explain it. “I… uh… “

“And you better not lie to me! How could you have neglected your cat for so long?”

“I don’t know, Fran. I guess my mind has been somewhere else.”

“That’s messed up. I can’t believe you’re that irresponsible. What’s gotten into you? You been taking drugs or something?”

“No! I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately.”

“Oh, yeah. Like what?”

“I… just forget it.”

“I’m not going to just forget it. That’s definitely abnormal behavior for you. You loved Chloe. How could you have neglected her like that? There’s something going on.”

“Nothing is going on! I just forgot, okay?”

She looked at me warily for a long moment. Then she pointed two fingers to her eyes and then at mine and said, “I’ve got my eyes on you, little brother. Now take your cat out and bury her. And open some windows in here.”

She left me then. I felt awful. What had I done? I had become so self-absorbed that I had neglected my pet. That’s pretty pathetic.

I found an old towel to wrap her in and carried her downstairs. I got a shovel out of the garage and took her to the backyard, where I dug a hole in the corner and buried her behind some bushes. Before I left her for the last time, I said, “I’m sorry, Chloe. You didn’t deserve this. I’ve got a problem, and you were a victim. I’m… sorry,” I finished lamely. My eyes filled with tears then, and I got a lump in my throat as I headed back to the house.

I was miserable, and the pain in my back asserted itself like gangbusters. I crushed one of my Oxy’s and snorted it. As the relief washed over me, I began to feel light as a feather. My troubles were gone for now, as the pain was replaced by pleasure and all sad thoughts were replaced by a feeling of ecstasy. But almost immediately, I got very drowsy and had to lay down on my bed.

Chapter 11
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 11

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 10: When his junior year of high school starts up again, Brian resumes his bootleg paper writing business, and his grades begin to suffer as he spends more and more time at it to the exclusion of his own homework.

He continues to buy Oxy, but as his tolerance of the drug increases, he requires stronger and stronger doses to achieve the same results. This makes him forgetful, and he begins neglecting to care for his cat, Chloe. When neither he nor Fran have seen Chloe for a few days, Brian eventually finds her dead behind the closed door in the attic, where she used to frequent. Fran smells the smell of a dead animal and comes up to investigate. Brian is unable to come up with a lie to explain how it happened under his watch, and Fran is very suspicious of his behavior lately. After burying the cat, Brian is so distraught that he crushes a pill, snorts it, and soon passes out.

Chapter 11

I thought I vaguely heard Fran’s voice saying, “Wake up, Brian.” Then I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It felt like she was digging her knuckles into my sternum. I was suddenly aware of a stinging in my throat and a terrible taste. I began coughing hard, and Fran sat me up to make this easier. I was in agony as my whole body got into the act of removing the foul-tasting vomit from my lungs, where it never should have been.

“Help is on the way, but for right now, I’m going to spray this in your nose, Brian. This will help you.”

It was Naloxone. Being a police officer, she was familiar with drug overdose symptoms and always carried a couple doses of Naloxone with her while on the job. She apparently had some at home as well.

Naloxone, which is also known by the brand name Narcan, reverses the effects of an opioid overdose, which is what happened to me, although I’m not sure how Fran knew what it was. Crushing and snorting Oxy produces an immediate high because it allows it to enter the bloodstream much faster than the slow-release tablets it comes in. Crushing it into a fine powder to inject or snort destroys this slow-release capability, making it immediately available in concentrated form. Consequently, it’s much easier to OD on it.

By the time the paramedics arrived, there wasn’t much left for them to do except take my vitals and listen to my heart and lungs. Fran had done all the right things for someone in the throes of an opioid overdose.

Sometimes it can be a lifesaver having a police officer for a big sister, for indeed, that’s what she had done—saved me from drowning in my own vomit. Apparently, I had regurgitated in my sleep and aspirated some of it. The subsequent sound of choking is what drew Fran to my room.

The paramedics considered whether to take me to the hospital to be monitored overnight, but Fran talked them out of it, saying she would stay with me and make sure I was okay. They checked me over a final time before they were satisfied and left after about an hour.

When it was just the two of us, she said, “Brian, you’ve got some explaining to do, but let’s leave it until the morning. I’m going to stay with you in your room tonight to keep an eye on you. Why don’t you try to get some sleep now?”

“Okay. How did you know what to do? What told you it was an overdose?”

“I’ve seen enough overdoses to recognize the signs, especially the way you’ve been acting lately. The white powder around your nose was also a giveaway.”

“Well, thanks for saving me tonight. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It’s just… “ But I didn’t know how to finish the sentence. I didn’t know what it was just, and I knew I was going to need help figuring it out.

I had a fitful night’s sleep and woke up several times. A couple of times, I saw Fran sitting at my desk, reading a book. We didn’t talk; I just went to the bathroom, came back, and crawled into bed again.

Once, when I woke up around 4:00 AM, I saw Fran with her head on her arms, asleep at my desk. I tried not to wake her. God, she was staying here the whole night. What did I do to deserve a sister like that?

I knew what to expect from her in the morning, and I decided right then not to lie to her or fight her. Whatever she was going to say would undoubtedly be true, and it wouldn’t do any good to argue with her or try to convince her she was wrong. I would just admit the truth about my addiction and take her advice on how to proceed. I was going to need her help with this.

I don’t know if I ever really got to sleep again. I seemed to be in a dreamlike yet wakeful state in which my thoughts were a jumble of images. I replayed that time at the car wash when I tried to put down Josh Bennett and impress Sandi. I thought about that stupid accident as I left Don Robbins’s house after acting like a macho jerk. I remembered how Fran had been then, graciously not trying to make me feel any worse than I already felt and would continue to feel for the foreseeable future. And then I thought about poor Chloe and how my neglect had caused her death.

These were the things that haunted me as I attempted to fall back to sleep. After a while, I gave up trying and got up. It was 6:00 AM. Fran was already down in the basement doing her exercise routine. Physically, I wasn’t up for joining her today, but I went down there anyway.

“Hey, Fran. I think I’ll sit this one out today.”

“Of course you will. Maybe tomorrow too. We’ll play it by ear. I’m almost done here. Over breakfast, we can talk.”

“Okay. I’ll make breakfast this morning while you shower.”

“It’s a deal.”

When Fran came down for breakfast, she was wearing her deputy’s everyday class B uniform. It looked good on her, and she had a commanding presence.

I had cooked up some bacon and made pancakes for us using Aunt Jemima’s Pancake Mix. I was a decent cook, and I knew not to stir the batter too much, or the pancakes wouldn’t rise properly. The less you stir it, the fluffier the pancakes will be.

She thanked me for breakfast and remained at the table while I cleared the dishes. I came back and sat down. We just stared at each other for a few seconds before she said, “Speak.”

Then I just told her everything—about the pain I’d been in, about my bootleg paper business to earn money, how eager I was to accept pills for payment one time, and how my addiction to Oxy came roaring back after taking them. I told her about the continuous need for more and how it wasn’t just the pain relief but the high from it that I liked so much. I broke down when I got to the part with Chloe and how I’d essentially forgotten about her feeding and care; in fact, I didn’t think about her at all, which led to the tragedy last night and the overdose. I was so choked up, I could hardly finish.

Through it all, Fran just listened as I spilled my guts. She kept her face neutral, so I couldn’t read how all these revelations were affecting her.

I finally quit talking, and when she decided I had nothing more to add, she said, “Brian, you’re an enigma. Here I was loaded for bear, prepared to challenge any lie you might tell. I was going to fight to get the truth out of you, and you just straight-out confessed everything. What am I going to do with you?”

“I need help, Fran.”

“Yeah, that’s obvious—more than I can give you, it would seem. What were you thinking? Rehab perhaps?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed.”

“There are a number of good ones in Winston-Salem. I’ll ask around at the Sheriff’s Office for a recommendation. I’m also going to make an appointment for you with the spine doctor. There have got to be some better options to deal with the pain than Oxy addiction.”

“Ya think? Listen, I’ll do whatever you recommend. I don’t know how I could get through this without your help. Thanks for not reading me the riot act.”

“Thanks for being honest with me. You’re a good kid, Brian. You’ve made a lot of mistakes, but you’re still a good kid at heart, and you seem to have a self-awareness that many kids in your situation don’t. Perhaps I should have seen the signs sooner, but I’m too close to the situation, and maybe I didn’t want to accept that you might be dependent on Oxy again. Addiction is a disease. It doesn’t let you off the hook, and you can’t blame all your problems on that, but it’s something that you can fight if you put the effort into it. You’re a smart kid, and you’ve got a lot of potential, but you can’t let yourself get sidetracked by your addiction. At some point, you’ve just got to say, ‘Enough!’ and dedicate yourself to fighting it. You can do it, and I’ll help you with whatever it takes.”

I got up from the table then, and she did too. I came around and gave her a hug, and she hugged me back. It’s the first time in ages I can remember hugging her, and we held each other for a long moment.

When we finally split apart, she said, “I’m going to call into work and tell them I’ll be staying home with you today, and then I’ll call your school and tell them you won’t be there today or tomorrow. Then I want you to hand over all your pills. I’ll give you one pill later today. I don’t want you going cold turkey; you’re going to have to taper off, but we’ll let the doctor at the rehab direct that. They’re going to remain locked in my gun safe. You can have one a day until you get into rehab, but I’m going to dole them out. Capische?”

“Got it.” We went up to my room together, and I dug out my pills from their hiding place inside my desk and handed them to Fran.

“I know you had a rough night, Brian. Try to get some sleep today. I’ll see you later,” and she went into her room to call the school.

Chapter 12
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 12

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 11: Brian has OD’d from snorting the Oxy to get relief from the devastating guilt he feels at the death of his cat, which he caused by his neglect while under the influence of Oxy. (Kind of moronic to take Oxy to escape the harm caused by Oxy! I guess you could call him an Oxy-moron.) He vomited and aspirated it into his lungs, and the coughing attracts Fran, who discovers him and gives him Narcan to reverse the effects of the overdose. Paramedics come, but Fran says she will handle it by staying up all night with him, which she does.

In the morning, she confronts him, and Brian confesses everything that is going on. Together they agree he will go to rehab.

Chapter 12

Looking back on the night of the overdose 15 years ago, it still amazes me how close I had come to suffering the ultimate penalty for my drug addiction. I nearly became a victim myself of my self-centered neglect of poor Chloe. It was an overdue wake-up call that I needed to force myself to make some difficult choices. I also realize now that I probably lacked the strength to do it by myself, and I am ever thankful for the help Fran gave me in confronting and understanding this affliction. But she is not the only one to help, and this would not be the only time I needed it, as we shall see.

Fran had heard good things about a place in greater Winston-Salem called Salem Behavioral Health, or SBH, as it was called, and she phoned them that night after work. They had an opening for me in their youth program, and she made an appointment for us to visit and check it out the following day—a Friday morning.

Fran was able to take the day off from work, and we arrived there that morning a few minutes before 10:00. The place looked like a rustic lodge in the North Carolina woods. Overlooking a small lake, it was secluded and beautiful there. The trees were changing colors, but the leaves had not yet begun to fall.

We met with the assistant director, who described the various programs available. After discussion of the options, we mutually decided on an outpatient treatment program in which I would spend four hours a day there for a period of four weeks. I would commute and go home each evening.

This decision was based on the fact that it was my first time in rehab, and I didn’t have any co-occurring mental health issues like anxiety or depression. I would begin coming on Monday. The assistant director agreed with Fran that I see the staff psychiatrist, who could set me up with a withdrawal program that I would begin right away.

The assistant director scheduled a meeting for us at 2:00. In the meantime, we were given a tour of the facility and had lunch in the cafeteria. The food was pretty decent. We sat at a table that overlooked the lake. With the reds and golds of the maples and ashes bordering the lake on full display on this sunny day, it was a captivating view.

“I’ve got a good feeling about this,” said Fran.

“Yeah, me too. That fried chicken was the bomb.” She laughed.

“A couple of people at work spoke very highly of the staff here, especially the ones who work with youth. They said they really seem to understand kids and their issues. I think it’s going to be the kind of thing that you get out of it what you put into it, and that to be successful will require a good effort on your part.”

“Yeah, I think I get that. No half-assing it. This pie’s pretty good too.”

“I hope you’re going to take this seriously, Brian.”

“I’m messing with you. Of course, I will. I know I can’t keep going the way I’ve been going. I want to get over this. I just want the pain to go away too.”

“I was going to wait to see what the arrangement here would be first, but since you won’t be here full-time, I’ll make an appointment for you with the spine doctor as soon as possible.”

“Thanks, Fran.”

We sat there for a while longer, but soon it was time for the appointment with the psychiatrist. We bussed our dishes then headed to his office.

Based on the length of time I’d been taking them and the strength of the pills I’d been taking, he decided on a three-month taper-off schedule. I would get the pills here each day while my program lasted, then he would provide me with a prescription for the remainder and put Fran in charge of doling them out to me daily for the duration. He gave Fran the pills to take through the weekend, but starting Monday, I would get them here.

We thanked him, and Fran and I left soon after that.

The arrangement was for me to attend my morning classes at high school, then come here at noon, have lunch, and begin my daily routine at 1:00.

Most of my academic classes were in the morning, so I wouldn’t miss too much that was important. Fran gave me a note to show to the teachers of the classes I would miss, and they said they would provide me with the assignments for the next three weeks.

Following lunch on Monday, the first activity I attended here was group therapy for youth led by a young counselor named Rafael Ortiz, or Raffi for short. He was the son of Cuban immigrants who had emigrated to the US in the ‘70s. He was born in the US and grew up here, eventually going to college at the University of North Carolina, where he majored in psychology. He was in his late 20s and had been working here for four years.

I looked around at the kids in the group. There were six of us arranged in a circle of chairs—three boys, including me, two girls, and one who I wasn’t sure about, but I think was a girl. One who was unquestionably a girl looked to be about my age, while the others, including the boys, seemed a bit younger. This group was for youths aged 12 to 17.

The girl who was close to my age was very cute. She had shortish brown hair that had a few purple streaks in front and a fawn-like face with brown eyes, which she kept looking downward. She was small and pixyish.

“Alright, group, we have a new member with us today named Brian Kendrick. Brian, the way this works is that when we get a new member, I ask them if they’d like to share their story about how they ended up here, but usually not on their first day. You won’t have to if you don’t want to, but you may find it helpful if you choose to share. After a few days, when you have a better feel for the group, I’ll give you the chance if you decide to.

“Julia, you joined the group a couple days ago. Would you like to share your story with us today?”

He was addressing the cute one who sat there, still looking down. She didn’t say anything, and Raffi prompted her again.

“Julia?”

After another long pause, still looking down, she said in a quiet voice, “I don’t think I fit in here very well… or anywhere for that matter.”

Raffi said, “All of us feel like that at some point, as if we are just different, and no one can understand our problems. Each of our stories is unique, yet we are all bound together by a common thread, which is addiction. The way you got here will be different, but the end result is the same for all of us, myself included, and in that sense, you fit in here. Sometimes sharing the details of your journey here helps you realize where you went wrong, and at some point, we’ll have a discussion about things you might have done instead.”

She looked up at Raffi right then, and after a moment, she began her story.

Chapter 13
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 13

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 12: Brian and Fran pay a visit to a rehab facility in Winston-Salem and decide to enroll him in a four-week outpatient program, which he will attend for four hours a day. He will continue taking his morning classes at high school and spend the afternoons at rehab. While there, they meet with the staff psychiatrist, who gives him a withdrawal schedule for the Oxy and gives Fran the medication to dole out to Brian on weekends when he’s not at rehab.

Brian’s first experience there was attending a group therapy session for the six youths in the program. The group is led by a therapist named Raffi. As the chapter ends, it’s the turn of a cute girl named Julia to tell her story of what brought her to rehab.

“I’m Julia Entwistle. I live in Lewisville with my parents. I’m addicted to barbiturates, which I’ve been taking since the spring. I play the violin. My father is the conductor of the Winston-Salem Symphony, and my mother is the concert master of the Charlotte Symphony Orchestra. That means she’s the first chair violinist. My mother started teaching me the violin when I was three. I’m 16 now.”

The older of the other two boys started mimicking playing the violin in an exaggerated fashion, while the younger one began laughing.

Raffi said quietly, “Alphonse,” and gave a slight shake of his head. Alphonse quit horsing around, and Julia continued, “I auditioned for and got into the Charlotte Symphony Youth Orchestra when I was six. I was the youngest one there, by far. Most of the kids were of high school age. I was really nervous for that audition, but I did okay. I became concert master when I was seven. The other violinists hated me, although I never talked to anybody. What did a 7-year-old have to say to a high school kid anyway? But they still hated me.”

Alphonse began air-playing the violin again and fake-sobbed.

“Alphonse, that’s very rude,” said Raffi, and he stopped.

Raffi then said to Julia, “You sound like you are quite a talented musician. Do you like playing the violin?”

Julia thought about this for a few seconds. “I love it… but I also hate it in some ways for how it affects me. I get very nervous when I have to audition or compete. It’s like, if I don’t win every audition and contest, I’ll be a failure. My parents have great hopes for me, and if I’m not always first in everything, I feel like I’ll disappoint them.”

She fell silent for a while.

Raffi said, “Tell us how you got started with barbiturates.”

“In April, I had to audition to get into a summer festival in Aspen, Colorado. Usually, you make an audio tape and mail it to them, but in this case, my mother set up a live audition for me with one of the teachers there at Aspen who lives in Charlotte. He would be hearing some other auditions too. While waiting for mine, I confessed to a girl who played bassoon how nervous I felt, and she handed me a red pill and told me I’d feel a lot calmer in 10 minutes. She called it a ‘ruby slipper.’ It was Seconal. Sure enough, in 10 minutes, I settled right down. I wasn’t nervous anymore. In fact, I felt very pleasant. I’d never felt quite like that before. And I played great and soon found out I’d won a position in the summer program.

Turning to Alphonse, the younger boy cracked up and imitated Julia in a high-pitched voice. “I felt very pleasant, Alphonse,” then snorted. “Girl, you was buzzed!”

“Henry, that’s enough,” said Raffi. “Let’s let Julia continue.”

“Yeah, I guess I was buzzed, but it helped me get through the audition, and I liked that feeling. Later, I asked bassoon girl where she got the ruby slipper, and she told me from a kid at her school who sold drugs. I decided then to buy a few myself for future auditions. Back home, I asked a girl I knew, who I’d been friends with when we were little kids and who looked like a druggie now, where I could find some, and she gave me the name of a kid.

“He didn’t have any ruby slippers, but he had something he called goofballs, which he said did pretty much the same thing. He said the high would last longer, although it took a little longer to kick in. This was phenobarbital.

“My only source of income is my allowance, so I didn’t have too much money, but I spent it all on buying as much as I could afford. Although they were supposed to be for future auditions, having them in the house tempted me to try one one afternoon when I’d been practicing and was having trouble on a particular piece. I was getting very frustrated, so I wanted to see if the pill would settle me down.

“Like the kid said, it took longer to kick in, but when it did, it was really nice. In the next couple of weeks, I went through the rest of the pills I had bought. It’s like, they began calling to me from the back of my closet, and I couldn’t seem to resist them. It felt so good when I took them. Sometimes the feeling would last the whole day. My mother wondered what had gotten into me because I became very chatty, almost hyper, when normally I hardly say anything. Seemed kind of weird to be both relaxed and hyper at the same time, but that’s what it felt like. It was just really nice.

“But I quickly ran out of the pills. I even asked my dad for a raise in my allowance so I could afford more. He had no idea what was going on, so he gave me the raise without question, and I immediately spent it all on more pills.

“Soon it was time to go to Aspen, where I spent a month playing in the summer festival. I didn’t have any pills left to bring with me and found I really missed them. I hadn’t taken them long enough to develop a physical addiction yet. I didn’t need them, but I sure wanted them. When I returned home after the month, it was time for school again. As soon as I got back to school, I sought out that kid and bought some more pills. My dad was nice enough to have given me four weeks’ worth of allowance to make up for the time I was in Aspen, and I spent most of it buying more pills.” She paused then.

“And so,” said Raffi, “you found that even having them around was too tempting for you. They ‘called to you,’ as you put it. And you mentioned that your body was not physically addicted to them, but yet you had to have them. This is known as a psychological addiction, which is a key part of substance abuse.

“Barbiturates are one type of substance that can become physically addicting, but many substances can become psychologically addicting. Food, for example. Marijuana is a type of drug that isn’t physically addicting but can become psychologically so. When a substance makes you feel good, it activates a portion of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which controls feelings of pleasure and makes you desire to recreate those feelings. That’s what can lead to addiction. We’ll talk a lot more about this in the coming days, but Julia, do you feel like sharing how you ended up here at SBH?”

I’d been sitting there for the last 10 minutes, entranced by this girl’s story and by her. Although not quite like my own in terms of the precipitating event or the absence of a physical addiction so far for her, I could certainly identify with the psychological part. The Oxy called to me when it was around, and I was powerless to ignore it. I realized then what an important component of my addiction the psychological part was. Perhaps it had even overtaken the physical need for pain relief that it gave me.

Julia resumed, “Last week, it was my dad’s 50th birthday, and we celebrated at home with a fancy meal my mom had prepared, Chicken Cordon Bleu.”

I glanced at the two boys, who were looking at each other and rolling their eyes. They stifled some laughter, and I heard Alphonse whisper, “I got me the Chicken McNugget blues.”

Raffi glared at them, and Julia continued, “My dad was in a good mood and offered me some wine with dinner. My mother objected a little, but he said it would be only one glass. An hour earlier, I had taken one of my goofballs, which helped me relax during dinner. I always felt somewhat uptight and serious around my parents, but the goofball mellowed me right out. I gladly accepted the wine. I liked it, but that’s all Dad would give me.

“After dinner, I cleared the table while my parents continued talking, and I poured myself another glass in the kitchen. I was feeling real mellow as I did the dishes and continued drinking more wine, but soon I began feeling very drowsy, and I must have passed out because I awoke in the hospital in a private room. I had been in a brief coma. When I came out of it, at first my parents were relieved, and everything was all lovey-dovey, which is unusual in my family.

“But later, they got very angry with me when the tox screen results came back. The doctor had ordered a tox screen when I was unconscious because it was an emergency situation. That’s when they found the phenobarbital in my system.

“My parents were really pissed and asked where I got it and how long I’d been taking it. I lied to them and said it was just one time, but they didn’t believe me and insisted I go into rehab. They were right, of course. I was addicted, and they had no faith I could stop on my own.”

Raffi said, “Julia’s experience highlights a couple of important things about taking barbiturates, as well as a number of other drugs. First, they don’t mix well with alcohol, and the combination can be lethal. Second, it’s extremely difficult to overcome an addiction by yourself. I hope that by being here, we’ll all come to understand our addictions a little better and develop the skills to combat them. Thank you for sharing that with us, Julia. Does anyone have any questions for her?”

One of the other girls said, “How she get addicted so quickly? She ain’t been taking them pills very long.”

“I guess I didn’t understand about psychological addiction. Yeah, I’d heard about it in a class at school, but you don’t think too much about it applying to you. It’s always other kids that happens to. But I was wrong.”

“That’s the thing about addiction,” said Raffi. “It doesn’t take long with some drugs to quickly become psychologically dependent on them, even if you haven’t become physically dependent yet. And some people are genetically predisposed to developing addictions. That means they are born with that tendency, which was passed to them by their parents. For these reasons, it can be so dangerous to try a drug even one time. Are there any other questions for her?”

No one had any, so Raffi said, “Thank you for sharing with us today, Julia.”

The group meeting went on for a while longer, and we started discussing strategies for coping with peer pressure. That wasn’t really my problem, so I zoned out, instead thinking about the similarities between Julia’s addiction and my own. Both of us started out by trying to cure one thing, but the original intent soon began playing second fiddle to the pleasure the drugs gave us. It was a conundrum.

Chapter 14
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 14

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 13: Sixteen-year-old Julia Entwistle tells her story of what brought her to rehab. She is a gifted violinist who gets a lot of parental pressure to excel. Although she loves the violin, she hates the anxiety it gives her to audition and perform. At one audition, a girl gives her a barbiturate to help settle her down, and it works well. Julia buys more from a high school drug dealer and becomes psychologically addicted to them. She passes out when she drinks several glasses of wine and is rushed to the hospital by her parents. A tox screen reveals the barbiturates in her system, and her parents insist she go to rehab. Raffi then launches into a discussion about psychological addiction.

Chapter 14

Over the next couple of days, I became accustomed to my daily program here at SBH. After lunch came group therapy with Raffi, followed by a period of either academic work or vocational training. Since I was still going to high school classes in the mornings, I opted for vocational training and learned a little about carpentry. I kind of enjoyed working with power tools and building stuff. After that period was over, we had a period of free time where we could read, play various group games, or just socialize with other kids.

Julia kept to herself and didn’t participate in any of the group activities. She sat reading and gave off a vibe that said, “Leave me alone.”

In group therapy on Thursday, Raffi said, “Brian, you’ve been here for a few days now. Would you like to introduce yourself and tell us a little about what brought you here and maybe answer a few questions from the group?”

“Sure. I’m Brian Kendrick. I OD’d on Oxy last week and was saved from dying by my big sister, who I live with and who is a deputy in the Sheriff’s Office. She—”

“Whoa! You mean you livin’ with five-o? Feel sorry for you, bro,” interrupted Alphonse.

“Yeah, well, in this case, it probably saved my life. She happened to have some Narcan with her, which she carries around on the job. Last week, something happened, and I felt so bad about it, I crushed up a 160 and snorted it, and that’s what caused the OD.”

“What happened last week?” asked the one indeterminate kid who I since learned was named Alex. Still couldn’t tell whether male or female.

“I’d rather not say.”

“Brian, there’s nothing you can tell us here that we probably haven’t already heard in some form before,” said Raffi. “It might be beneficial to talk about it. It can be cathartic. Does everyone know what that means?”

No one said anything for a moment. Raffi looked at Julia, whose eyes were cast down. “Julia?”

“Giving relief,” she said quietly, not looking up.

“That’s right. Maybe you’ll get some relief by talking about it, Brian.”

“I doubt it, but here goes. I killed my cat the other night. Not intentionally, but through neglect.” I looked at Julia as I said this, and she looked up at me. Her eyes widened slightly, and they held mine for a few seconds, then she looked down again. Her face remained placid, and her expression didn’t really change, but I had felt those eyes bore into my soul right then, as if she instantly understood how tragic that had been for me.

“She accidentally got locked in the attic, and because I’d been so zoned-out on Oxy for four or five days straight, I forgot all about her. It was my job to feed her and clean up after her, but I messed up, and she died up there.”

I fell silent for a moment, then Raffi said, “Brian, do you want to tell us how you got started using Oxy?”

“I was in a car accident last year. It did a number on my neck and back, and the doctor gave me a three-month prescription for OxyContin for the pain. After three months, well, two and a half, the pain was still pretty bad, so he gave me another two-month prescription. After that, he wouldn’t prescribe any more except for enough to taper off it. After I was off it, I went a couple months with nothing except PT, which didn’t do shit, so I started buying it from a kid at school who supplied it. I kept needing stronger doses.”

“Yo, how’d you get the jack to pay for it, bro?” asked Alphonse. “You ain’t look like no rich kid. You pimp yourself out or something?”

“Naw, I wrote papers for kids—essays and term papers and shit. Pretty good money in that.”

“Like to see you write a paper for some fool, Alphonse,” said Henry. “A guaranteed F!” They both laughed hysterically.

“Yeah, well, I had money saved up, but I started using more Oxy than I was taking in cash, and it was eating up my savings. I don’t know how much longer it would have lasted. Then my sister asked me one night at dinner if I’d seen Chloe lately, and then it dawned on me that I didn’t remember feeding her for a while. Later that night, I had to go up in the attic to get something stored there, and I found the door shut tight. I knew right then where Chloe was, even before I opened it.”

I started choking up but felt I owed them the whole story, so I continued as best I could. No one was joking around now. All eyes were on me, even Julia’s.

“The smell was really bad, and I found her on her side near the door. She was all stiff. Fran—that’s my sister—knew I lied earlier when I said I’d seen Chloe that morning. She couldn’t believe how I’d neglected her for so long and demanded to know what was going on, but I told her nothing was going on—that I just forgot.

“I felt so bad about it; that’s when I crushed up the Oxy and snorted it—something I’d never tried doing before. I passed out. I must have puked and inhaled it because the choking brought Fran into my room, and she woke me up and gave me the Narcan. She knew it was an overdose.

Paramedics came, but by then I was okay, and they left soon after. Fran stayed with me that night to make sure I was okay. I slept like shit. I couldn’t get my mind off poor Chloe up there, begging to be let out.”

I started choking up again. “I’ve had her since she was a kitten. She used to curl up and sleep next to me at night. How could I have forgotten about her?”

With tears in my eyes, I looked at Julia then. She was looking right at me with a compassionate look. I thought I saw tears in her eyes too.

I waited a few moments before I could continue. “The next morning, I told Fran everything. She’d never known any of it since I’d tapered off Oxy the first time. I’d hid it from her pretty well that I’d been buying it illegally. She didn’t know about my source of income either, or she never would have allowed it. We kind of decided together that I should go to rehab.”

“Where were your parents, Brian?” asked Raffi. “You talk as if it’s only you and Fran.”

“They died when I was 12 in a car accident with a drunk driver. My accident was my own stupid fault, and I lived.”

“What’d you do, man?” asked Alphonse.

“Uh… I’d rather not get into that right now. That was a while ago.”

Raffi said, “Brian’s experience with Oxy or any other opioid is fairly common these days, often ending the same way or worse. Opioid abuse is almost reaching epidemic levels, such that doctors are going to have to rethink how they prescribe painkillers. We’ve had many youths come through here addicted to Oxy, etc. who began the same way Brian did—with a doctor’s prescription.”

The discussion went on for a while longer, and the session concluded with Raffi thanking me for sharing with the group. He asked me to stay behind as the others departed.

Chapter 15
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 15

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 14: It’s Brian’s turn in group to discuss his history. He relates his story so far. Originally, he didn’t want to say what the precipitating event was—the death of his cat through his neglect and the subsequent overdose—but Raffi encourages him to share this because he may find it cathartic and because it’s good for the group to hear each other’s stories. During the telling, he catches Julia’s eyes and reads in them a deep compassion for his story. When it’s over, Raffi explains that the medical profession needs to take a hard look at their opioid prescription policies in light of the dangers they can pose. He asks Brian to stay behind when the rest leave.

Chapter 15

When we were alone, Raffi said to me, “Brian, I want to thank you again for opening up to the group today. I appreciate your candor in describing a very painful situation.”

I just nodded.

“I see a lot of myself in you when I was your age. You seem like a very intelligent kid with great potential for success in life if you can avoid the traps that lurk in your way. And if you happen to become ensnared in one, you’ve got to find a more constructive way out. There are two things you can do. One: you can make sure to avoid putting yourself in a situation where you are tempted to give in to your indulgence, and two: you can confront it head-on and try to find a solution to it.

“Your problem seems to be the unrelenting pain from your auto accident. Pain can be an extremely important motivator for behavior. So can pleasure. But pleasure isn’t the opposite of pain. No-pain is the opposite. Pleasure is its own entity, but unfortunately, pleasure seems to mask pain, not eliminate it. Therefore, it isn’t a very good antidote to pain because of the risks associated with it.

"Where you get into trouble is when the same substance can provide both pain relief and pleasure, and then it becomes difficult to know which is the stronger motivator—the lessening of the pain or the increase in pleasure. You begin taking it for one reason, but the other reason gradually overtakes it as the primary motivator. And that’s what seems to happen with narcotics like Oxy.”

I digested what he said for a while, and it made a lot of sense. That seems to be what happened to me. If only there were a way to make the pain stop that didn’t give you such pleasure at the same time.

“You started by saying we are a lot alike. Did you have a similar problem when you were my age?”

“In Cuba, my father was a doctor. My mother didn’t work outside the home. She was much younger than my father and very beautiful—a trophy wife, you might call her. When they fled to America in the ‘70s, life was difficult for them at first. My father couldn’t practice medicine as a doctor because he didn’t have a license in the US, so for a period of time, he was an orderly in a hospital. My mother became a hotel maid. They were poor when they had me.

“My father had difficulty learning the language and consequently was never able to get his license to become a doctor in the US. But that didn’t stop him from doctoring in our neighborhood. One time he botched a procedure, which led to the death of one of his patients, and the authorities got involved. He was arrested and jailed for involuntary manslaughter for a period of years.

"As a maid, my mother didn’t make enough to support us—I also had two sisters by now—so she began inviting men into our home who she took up with and who helped support the family. Her latest was a cruel man—abusive to both my mother and me—and I would often defy him. At around age 12, I began drinking to soothe the pain of my situation. My mother kept a stash of those little drink bottles that hotels stock the mini-bars with. I thought she wouldn’t miss a few.

“It didn’t take too long until I was hooked on alcohol. The source of pain may have been different from yours, but the result was the same. I drank way too much one evening and suffered alcohol poisoning and nearly died, but following that, my mother made me seek help from our priest, and to make a long story short, he set a new path for me that helped me escape from the path I was on. But in the process, I learned something about pleasure and pain—the so-called carrot and stick—that substances like alcohol and narcotics can provide.”

“So, you became a counselor to help others?”

“Yes. It’s become a way for me to confront the problem of addiction head-on and hopefully help others in the process.”

“Well, you’re good at it.”

He nodded his thanks.

“Can I ask you something else?” I said.

“Sure. I may not have the answer, but ask away.”

“That girl, Julia. She gives off vibes of ‘leave me alone.’ Do you think it would be okay if I went up and talked to her?”

“I think it would be great if you did. Part of what helps the healing process is getting out of your own head so much and opening yourself up to others. I think it would benefit both of you.”

“How should I do it?”

“Humor is always a good icebreaker. She could probably use a few laughs.”

“Thanks, Raffi.”

“Good luck.”

Humor, huh? Problem was, I wasn’t naturally a funny person. What could I do to make her laugh that wouldn’t make me look like an idiot in the process? Then I thought of a joke Daddy used to tell. It was actually a silent joke that was acted out, but seeing as how she was a violinist, it would be perfect for Julia. I decided to try it out on her.

During free time today, Julia was in her usual spot near a corner, reading, with her back facing the room. I walked over to her. There was enough room for me to pull another chair around to face her, so I did. Without a word of greeting, I sat down. She looked up, and our eyes briefly met, but she quickly resumed reading. Silently, I began, and she looked up again.

Picture me as a conductor holding my baton and conducting an orchestra in a solemn piece when, all of a sudden, my nose starts to twitch with short sniffs. A frown comes over my face as I look at the first violin, sitting to my left, and while I’m conducting away, I mouth the words, “Did you fart?”

I switch and become the first violin, sawing away, and shake my head, no. Switch back to me conducting and sniffing. I turn to the first viola in front of me and mouth, “Did you fart?” As the first viola, sawing away, I shake my head, no. Then, conducting and sniffing again, I look at the first cello on my right. “Did you fart?” I mouth. As first cello, I shake my head, no.

As the conductor once more, completely baffled by where this smell is coming from, while still conducting and sniffing, I turn to the first violin again on my left and mouth the words, “Did you shit?”

As the first violin, with eyes averted and a guilty look on my face, I nod my head.

Julia, who had been watching the entire performance, stared at me for a few seconds. I saw her face tense up as she tried to keep it straight, but then the corners of her mouth turned up. She started trembling, and finally, she erupted with laughter. When she eventually stopped, she had such a pleasant smile. It was the first time I’d ever seen her smile, and it melted my heart. She was adorable.

“Did you just make that up?” she asked in a lilting voice.

“Naw, my Daddy used to tell that joke, or act it out, I guess. That was always a favorite of mine. He was a funny guy when he wanted to be.”

“You know my father’s a conductor, but I couldn’t tell him that joke. He wouldn’t find it funny. He has no sense of humor that I could ever detect.”

“Well, that’s a shame. We used to joke around a lot in my family. That’s one thing I really miss about my folks.”

“You were lucky… you know, I meant before…” she trailed off.

“Yeah, I know what you meant. I was. We were a happy family. I take it your family isn’t very fun-loving.”

She became wistful. “Yeah, I wish there was a little more laughter. Any really. Everything is so serious all the time. We never do anything spontaneous, just for fun. How about your sister? Is she fun?”

“Yeah, she can be. We usually get along pretty well. We have a similar sense of humor and enjoy the same shows and stuff. I think she’d probably be a bit more off-the-wall, but she’s had to serve as a parent for me, so she has to maintain a certain level of maturity. I don’t know.”

“I never had a sibling. I kinda wish I did. It gets lonely there at home with no one to goof around with. We never had a pet either. I always wish I had a cat, but… oh!”

She stopped suddenly.

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I—”

“Don’t worry about it.” She looked stricken, so I quickly changed the subject. “Hey, I could go for a snack. Feel like getting a soft-serve cone with me in the cafeteria?”

Her face eased. “Okay.”

We got up and headed there together.

Chapter 16
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 16

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 15: Raffi meets with Brian after the group meeting in which he shared his story. Raffi thanks him and confesses that Brian reminds him of himself as a youth. Raffi then tells him a similar story of addiction and overdose, culminating in his own road to recovery.

Brian then asks him if he should try to approach Julia, who seems standoffish, and Raffi thinks it’s a good idea for both of them, suggesting that Brian use humor when Brian asks him how. Brian sits in front of her during free time and pantomimes a joke about an orchestra conductor who smells a stink. Julia can’t help herself and bursts out laughing, and the ice is broken. They begin talking and later leave for a snack together.

Chapter 16

Now that the ice was broken, Julia and I began to eat lunch together every day, as well as spend all of our free periods together. We would take walks on a trail around the lake. We were an odd-looking pair. She was so tiny—barely 5 feet tall and maybe only 95 pounds, while I was just over 6 feet and 165.

In spite of the disparity in size, we had a lot in common. We loved books and read for fun. We had some wonderful discussions about a few we had both read. She was a big fan of Tolkien too, and we loved discussing The Lord of the Rings. Her favorite character was Aragorn, while I particularly liked Gandalf. We both loved the character, Gollum. Talk about an addiction! We could identify with him in that regard. She was more into the classics and loved everything Bronte, while I tended more toward the contemporary, like Kurt Vonnegut and John Updike.

Both of us were introverts—she perhaps a little more than me—and neither of us had many close friends. We got to discussing it one day.

“Since I was quite young,” Julia said, “I spent the majority of my time practicing the violin. I can only remember a few times ever having a playdate, and even then, both of us kind of did our own thing. I did make a good friend in fifth grade. She played the violin too, and we would get together and play duets. We also played chess together.”

“Hey, I love chess. Would you like to play sometime?”

“Sure. I’m not that good, but I’d like to play.”

“Well, alright then! Do you know if they have a chess set here? If not, I could bring one from home tomorrow.”

“We could ask.”

“That oughta go over real well with Alphonse and Henry when they see us playing. I can’t wait to hear what they say about that. By the way, I don’t mean to sound cruel or anything, but I haven’t figured out yet if Alex is a boy or a girl. Do you know?”

Julia laughed. “I had the same problem at first until she came into the ladies’ room one time. I’ve talked to her several times. She’s really a nice kid.”

“Phew! Now I know.”

“She’s a few years younger than us and kind of a loner. Maybe we could invite her to eat lunch with us sometime?”

“That would be nice,” I agreed.

We did just that the following day. Alex had a great sense of humor and told us a few good jokes. Julia made me do the sniffing conductor joke again, and the three of us were hysterical after that.

I had found a chess board in a cupboard yesterday after we talked, so Julia and I began a game while Alex watched us play. She had never played chess before, so we explained a few things to her along the way.

Despite what she said the day before, Julia was quite good. We were pretty even for a while until I was able to move my knight into a fork against her king and queen. She slapped her forehead and said, “I’m forked!”

“You’re forked alright.”

Alex registered shock, thinking we were using a euphemism, until I explained what a fork was in chess: when one piece attacks two or more enemy pieces at the same time.

Julia had to move her king to safety, so she lost her queen. Without the queen, it was downhill from there, but she fought valiantly, and it took quite a few moves to finally beat her. After that, we played regularly at lunch, and Alex would watch. We both offered to play a game with her, but she declined and just watched.

After a while, on our walks around the lake during free period, we started holding hands. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

One day during my last week there—Julia’s last too—we stopped mid-way around the lake and sat on a bench. There were a few of them on the trail. It was a beautiful fall day. The leaves had begun to fall in earnest, and many of them were floating on the surface of the lake. It was peaceful and quiet, with no one else around at the time. I put my arm around her, and she snuggled right in.

We sat peaceably like that for a while, but my heart was pounding. I turned and looked at her, and she looked up at me. Then I slowly lowered my head as she raised her chin up, and I kissed her gently on the mouth.

That was it at first—only the one kiss. It was my first kiss. Hers too, I later learned, and it was thrilling. Breathless for a while, we stood and walked back along the trail, hand-in-hand. Neither of us talked, but we were both smiling.

Alex saw us return and looked back and forth between us. “What’s with you two?”

“Nothing,” we said together.

Alex rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right,” she said and smiled, knowingly, at us.

At that day’s group session, Raffi led a discussion about things to do instead of drugs or alcohol when we felt stressed. There was also a guest speaker who taught us the art of meditation. Julia was particularly fascinated and took to it quite readily. It was stress she always felt when she had to perform for auditions and contests, and meditation seemed like it might become a great substitute for barbiturates.

The woman who taught us meditation told us to wear something comfortable the following day because we would do some yoga. Julia came from home (she was also in an outpatient program) wearing black yoga pants and beneath her blouse, which she removed, a black, sleeveless crop top. She was dressed like she’d been doing yoga forever, but it was her first time, she told me later, and she’d gone out and bought the outfit.

I was dressed like a schlub in cutoff jeans and a T-shirt, but she looked amazing—so slim and cute with a tiny waist. She looked nothing like Sandi, who was more curvy and much taller and blond, but she appealed to me greatly in a non-intimidating way. I had a hard time concentrating on yoga as I kept sneaking peeks over at her in her tight little outfit.

I got something out of meditation in terms of pain relief. Maybe not so much from yoga, though, although it’s possible I just wasn’t doing it right. Meditation, which taught me how to focus my mind, distracted me from my pain and allowed ignoring it for a while.

Friday of that week was the last day of rehab for both Julia and me. During free period, we took one last walk together, holding hands. We stopped at our usual bench to sit and talk.

“I’d like to keep seeing you, Julia. Lewisville is only a half hour from Kernersville, you know?”

“Do you think it’s a good idea for two addicts to be in a relationship together? Maybe it wouldn’t be good for either of us.”

“Yeah, but maybe we would be able to help each other stay straight. I don’t plan to begin using Oxy again when I finally wean off it.”

“You say that now, but do you really know?”

“Well, I have an added incentive now if it means I wouldn’t be able to see you again if I do.”

She let that sit for a minute to see if I was kidding around, but I wasn’t. She said, “I’ve found something in meditation and yoga that I think can really help me get over my performance anxiety. Do you have something that can help you with your pain so that you won’t be tempted to try drugs again?”

“I saw my spine doctor last week, and we’re talking about another surgery. Plus, he was also telling me about an implantable electronic device that can help block pain signals, so something seems like it should help. Besides, I can tolerate the pain. It’s a nuisance, but I don’t think it compares to the pain I’d feel if I couldn’t see you again.”

She looked at me closely and could tell I was dead serious. “Okay, then,” she said quietly, her eyes glued to mine.

Chapter 17
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 17

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 16: Brian and Julia begin hanging out all the time now. They discover they have a lot in common including a love of chess. They begin playing and invite Alex to join them for lunch and to watch them play. On a walk around the lake during the free period, they have their first kiss. Later that day and the next, they learn the art of meditation and yoga as alternatives to drugs, and Julia, especially, takes to it. On their final day of rehab, on a walk around the lake, they vow to continue seeing each other in the outside world.

Chapter 17

We began seeing each other almost every weekend after that. I had to overcome some initial resistance from her parents, mainly her mother, who were very protective of her. They weren’t too thrilled with the idea that their daughter was going out with a guy she met at rehab, at least at first.

Before they would let her go out with me, Julia told me I needed to “audition for the part,” as she put it, by coming to Sunday dinner at her house. I was nervous about this because it meant they wouldn't allow her to see me anymore if they didn't like me.

I dressed in my nicest shirt and slacks and had even gotten a haircut the day before to make as good a visual impression as I could. I had also bought a new pair of dress shoes to wear. I rarely wore dress shoes, and my last pair was now way too small for me.

I guess I looked presentable enough because Julia’s eyes lit up, and she smiled when she opened the front door to let me in. “Wow, you clean up pretty well,” she said.

She was dressed in a light blue sweater over a shortish, navy-blue skirt. The outfit clung snugly to her tiny frame. She had on a little light makeup and wore a gold chain around her neck. God, she was cute.

“So do you!”

We stood there, smiling at each other, for a few seconds. Then she grabbed my hand and said, “Come in. Let me introduce you to my parents.”

She took the light jacket I’d been wearing and hung it up, then we entered the family room, where her parents were sitting in club chairs. “Mother and Dad, I’d like you to meet my friend, Brian Kendrick.”

I walked over to shake her father’s hand.

“Hello, Brian. Robert Entwistle,” he said as he gave me a good, firm handshake.

“It’s nice to meet you, sir.” Then I walked over to greet her mother. “Hello, Mrs. Entwistle,” I said, extending my hand, but she didn’t take it right away.

Instead, she said, “I kept my maiden name, which is Schmidt.”

“I’m sorry. It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Schmidt,” I said with my hand still out.

“It’s Dr. Schmidt, and excuse me, but I don’t shake hands. I need to protect them.”

“Sorry. That makes sense,” I said as I lowered my hand. I glanced at Julia, who rolled her eyes. “Julia tells me you’re the concert master of the Charlotte Symphony.”

“A mere steppingstone, I’m afraid. I’ll be auditioning for the New York Philharmonic next month.”

She was attractive and petite, like Julia, but didn’t smile at all. Such a snob, with a rather sour look, to be honest. “Oh, well, good luck, I guess.” I was getting tired of this woman already.

Julia tried to make the best of it. “Why don’t we sit over here, Brian?” and she led me over to a sofa. There was a glass coffee table in front of us with a small plate of hors d’oeuvres—smoked salmon and soda crackers and some sort of stinky cheese. I hated smoked salmon, which I had once at my cousin’s house, but to be polite, I took some. I loaded up a cracker and forced myself to eat it. Julia didn’t take any.

We sat there for a while, and no one said anything. Before the silence became unbearable, Julia said, “Brian is a very good chess player. He and I played several games already.”

“That’s nice,” said Frau Schmidt, rather disinterestedly.

“I play online quite a bit. Julia is also very good.”

“Addicted to internet chess too, then, are you?” her mother said.

“Mother, I thought we weren’t going to talk about anything like that,” said Julia firmly.

“What’s your favorite opening?” asked her father, jumping in to help get past the sudden tension.

Relieved, I said, “I enjoy the London system. Creates a nice defensive position that’s hard to attack effectively.”

“Yes, that’s a good one. You can play it quickly without thinking too heavily at the start while getting your pieces in the correct positions.”

We continued talking about chess for a few minutes. Julia said little, and her mother nothing. We finally quit talking about it when her father said, “We’ll have to play a game sometime.”

I glanced at her mother when he said that, and her brow was furrowed. It was clear she wanted no part of me near her daughter… or her. I decided right then, to hell with her. I would be polite, but I refused to be cowed by her or her prejudice towards me. She didn’t know me. Her father seemed decent enough, though.

I turned to him and said, “I’d like that. Sometime we’ll have to.”

“Good. Can I get you something to drink? We have Perrier or iced tea. I believe Julia even bought some Coca-Cola, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Coke is fine. Thanks.”

“Same for you, Julia?” he asked, and she nodded. “Marie?” he then said, turning to his wife.

“I’ll have a martini, but I’ll prepare it myself,” she said as she got up to join him in the kitchen.

That left Julia and me alone in the family room. She turned to me and said, “I’m sorry about my mother. She can be such a bitch sometimes.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I decided I wouldn’t let her intimidate me. Your father seems nice.”

“Yeah, he’s nice enough, but sometimes he’s cowed by her. Let’s just get through dinner, then we can go to my room.”

“You sure they’ll allow that?”

“They said I had to keep the door open, but otherwise it was okay.”

“I’d love to hear you play the violin if you feel like it.”

“Sure.”

She fell silent then and seemed a little uptight. I patted her hand and said, “Relax. Everything’s cool. Why don’t I try to lighten things up a little? Maybe I could tell a joke.”

“I guess you could try. They’re not much into jokes, though.”

Her father was soon back with the drinks for me and Julia. He didn’t have one himself, but I heard her mother still in the kitchen, preparing hers. I think he could tell I wasn’t fond of the smoked salmon because he also came in with a small bowl of potato chips, which he set down on the table in front of us.

“Thanks,” I said, taking a few.

Her mother rejoined us in another minute with her drink.

“Hey, I heard a pretty good joke recently," I ventured. "Would you like to hear it?”

Julia’s father said, “Sure, go ahead.”

“Okay, this little boy and his dad were out for a walk one day. The boy’s looking all around and says, ‘Hey Dad, why is the sky blue?’

“The dad thinks for a while and says, ‘Son, I’m not sure I know why.’

“They pass by some woods and spot a deer and her fawn, and the boy says, ‘Hey Dad, why does the fawn have white spots, but the mother doesn’t?’

“Dad says, ‘Well, that’s sure a good question, but I don’t know the answer to it.’

“A little further on, the boy says, ‘Hey Dad, how come the birds chirp so much in the morning, but they’re so quiet now?’

“Dad thinks for a minute and says, ‘That’s another good one. Wish I knew the answer.’

“‘I hope you don’t mind me asking you so many questions, Dad.’

“‘Of course not. If you don’t ask questions, how are you going to learn anything?’”

There was silence for a few seconds. Then her father let out a startling, “Hah!” followed by a great bellowing laugh. Julia and I laughed along with him. When we finally stopped, her father said, “That’s a good joke, Brian.”

I glanced over at Dr. Schmidt, who still sat there expressionless, except possibly for a slight smirk. The woman clearly had no sense of humor, but Julia seemed to have underestimated her father, who was still chuckling about it.

With the mood lightened somewhat, at least with two-thirds of the family, we finished our drinks with a bit of polite conversation, then headed into the dining room for an afternoon dinner of Cornish hen with wild rice and peas with pearl onions in them. It was followed by a small portion of orange sherbet, served in a wineglass, for dessert. It was a spare but tasty meal. I could see how Julia and her mother were so petite if they always ate like that. I could have eaten about two more meals of that size and probably still not have been full.

The conversation was also spare during the meal, but that was okay. It was soon over, and Julia and I excused ourselves to go up to her room. I thanked Dr. Schmidt for a delicious meal before leaving, and she just nodded her thanks at the compliment.

Once in Julia’s room, she said, “Phew, glad that’s over with!”

I said, “It was fine. You can relax now.”

And she seemed to, then. She went to her desk, pulled out the chair, and pointed to it. “Why don’t you sit down, and I’ll play something for you?”

“Alright. What are you going to play? Not that I’d know what it was, but I’m just curious.”

“It’s called Czardas by Vittorio Monti.” She picked up her violin and bow, which had been lying on her bed, and began playing without any music while standing in the middle of the room.

The piece was about five minutes long. It began slowly and perhaps a bit ponderously, but then she launched into a fast and lively section where her fingers flew, and the notes poured out. It was followed by a slower section that went about as high as the violin can play and ended with a more restrained, lively part that was very melodic and lovely. I was entranced by her flawless playing. Her technique was amazing, with exaggerated vibrato in places, and the speed with which she played the fast part was truly impressive.

When she was finished, I clapped loudly and said, “Bravo! That was wonderful. You are very talented, Jules.” That just slipped out. I’d never called her that before. “I mean Julia.”

“No, I like that—Jules. Nobody’s ever called me that. You can call me Jules. Makes me think of jewels, as in gems.”

“Maybe I should call you that then.”

“Call me what?”

“Jewels.”

“I get it. Or maybe even Joules. You know, the unit of energy?”

“You’d rather be called a unit of energy?”

“Mm… I guess not. Maybe just plain Jules after all.”

“You got it, Jules.” We laughed at our silliness.

“Anyway, that was really, really good!”

“Thanks. I guess you couldn’t hear all the mistakes. I’m still working on it. Mother would’ve probably had a few choice words about it, but I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“I absolutely did. Okay, do you know something a little less highbrow?”

“You mean like this?” and she launched into a quick version of “Turkey in the Straw,” which was delightful in its own way, finishing with a “Shave and a haircut, two bits” ending. It was very amusing, and I laughed and clapped again.

“That’s enough of that,” she said. “Let’s do something else. Wanna play chess?”

“I’d rather sit and make out with you for a while.”

“Ooo! That sounds nice, but I have to leave the door open, so maybe that’s not such a good idea.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, let’s play chess.”

She got out a board, and we played for a couple of hours. We completed four games in all. I won three of them, but she checkmated me early with some fabulous play in the other one. After that, we just sat and talked for a while. I found her easy to talk to. She was a good listener and would seldom jump in and interrupt, but she would think about what I was saying and come back with a thoughtful response. She was intelligent and surprisingly witty, using sarcasm very effectively in an understated sort of way.

The time seemed to fly by. Neither of us wanted it to end, but she had some homework to do, she said, and I told her I also had a paper to write for English—my own, not someone else’s. I told her I wouldn’t be doing that anymore, and I meant it.

It ended up being a wonderful afternoon once we got over the initial meeting and dinner with her parents, and we could relax. “Maybe you can come over to my house next weekend and meet Fran,” I suggested.

“I’d like that.”

“You’ll have to bring your violin too and play for her. She’ll love it. She’ll love you.”

“Okay, I will.”

“How about one kiss before I leave?”

She looked at me and smiled, then we embraced, and I gently lowered my face to hers, and we kissed long and slow. Our tongues gently caressed each other’s. It was a fabulous kiss, but it was soon over, and we walked downstairs, somewhat breathless. She got me my jacket from the closet, and I went into the family room to say goodbye to her parents and thank them for their hospitality and the wonderful, albeit small, dinner. I shook her dad’s hand and told him I enjoyed meeting him.

To her mother, I said, “Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Schmidt, er, Dr. Schmidt.” She didn’t return the nicety but only said, “Drive safely on your way home.”

“Yes ma’am.”

With a wink at Julia, I said, “I’ll call you later this week. Bye, Jules.” Then I turned and left.

Author Notes
At 2,300 words, I apologize for the length of this chapter, but there didn't seem to be a logical place to break it, so I've promoted it a little higher.

CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Chapter 18
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 18

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 17: The first weekend out of rehab, Brian goes to Julia’s house to meet her parents. Her father is nice enough, but her mother is an unpleasant person who does little to hide her prejudgment of Brian, though Brian is as polite as he can be. After a sparse but good meal, Julia takes Brian to her room, where she plays the violin for him. He is very impressed by her playing. After that, they play a few games of chess, and then it’s time to go. Brian suggests she come over to his house the following week to meet Fran.

Chapter 18

I could hardly wait to see her again and called her Wednesday night to make arrangements for coming over on Saturday.

“Fran said she’s eager to meet you, Jules.”

“I’m looking forward to meeting her too. Still want me to bring my violin?”

“Of course. I told her how beautifully you play.”

“You’re sweet. What kind of music does she like?”

“Her tastes are pretty eclectic. I’m sure she’d love anything you choose.”

“Even ‘Turkey in the Straw’?”

“Oh, especially that,” I laughed. “By the way, you can dress casually. We’re not too formal around here. Blue jeans are pretty standard in this joint.”

“Well, I don’t have any, but maybe I’ll buy some.”

“You never wore jeans?”

“My mother never allowed it, but I buy all my own clothes now, and if I want to buy jeans, I’ll buy them.”

“Ooo, aren’t you the little rebel? I hope they don’t go blaming me for that.”

“Well, you are partially responsible. Going to rehab and meeting you has made me realize that a lot of my nervousness and insecurities are due to my parents, particularly my mother. I’m even thinking of studying under a different violin teacher now. Mother really gets under my skin sometimes. She has been disappointed in her career more than once, losing out on auditions to big orchestras a few times. She’s always striving for perfection, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but she goes overboard with it. We’re not exactly rich, but she tends to put on airs as if we were. She’s not a very happy person, and I’m tired of her bringing me down too.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”

“Yes. And meeting you has helped open my eyes to the fact that my life doesn’t have to be all violin all the time. I’m starting to have some fun now.”

“Well, that’s great. Let’s have some fun on Saturday night. Have you ever gone bowling?”

“No.”

“Wanna try it? Fran and I go occasionally. I’m not that good, but she’s pretty good at it.”

“Sure, I’m game.”

“Do you drive, or should I come pick you up?”

“I haven’t taken driver’s ed. yet, so I guess you better pick me up.”

We made arrangements for that and talked for a while longer until it was time to say goodbye. I could hardly wait until Saturday, when I would see her again.

It may seem odd to have your sister on a date with you, but the main purpose of this weekend was to have the two girls meet and get to know each other. I thought in an atmosphere like a bowling alley, it would be a good way to get off to a comfortable, low-stress start—something very different from last week’s meeting of her parents.

Fran and I picked her up at her house at 3:00 Saturday afternoon. The plan was that we would go bowling first, rent a movie, pick up some Chinese takeout, go home, eat, and watch the movie. Somewhere in there, Julia would play her violin for us. Fran would be with us part of the time, but she wanted to give us some alone time too. She was pretty understanding in that way.

We arrived at Julia’s house at 3:00, and she greeted me at the door. I didn’t even get to ring the bell. She just came out, violin case in hand, closed the door behind her, and we headed for the car. No stopping to talk to the parents first, which was fine with me.

She had on a pair of tight jeans that clung to her trim little figure very well, and she was wearing a light jacket since it was slightly cool this early November day. She also wore a crimson beret that looked adorable on her.

When we got in the car, I introduced her to Fran, who was driving. We sat together in the back seat, holding hands.

“So, Julia, I’m happy to finally meet the girl who’s made my little brother a lot more pleasant to be around lately.” We all laughed at her little joke.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Fran. Brian has told me a lot about you. He says you’re a great bowler. This will be my first time bowling, so I probably won’t knock too many pins over.”

I laughed. It was so cute the way she said it.

Fran said, “Well, we’ll try to teach you, but you don’t need to worry about how well you do. We’ll just have fun knocking them over. Sound good?”

“Yeh.”

We chatted all the way to the bowling alley in Winston-Salem, where we stopped at the Countryside Lanes. Julia and I rented shoes, then went to pick out some balls. Fran was in a league at work, and she had her own ball and shoes.

Julia picked out a 10-pounder, which was all she could heft comfortably, and I chose a 16-pounder. She tried holding onto mine, but it was way too heavy for her thin arms.

We went over to the alley, and I demonstrated how to hold the ball and throw it while advancing toward the foul line. I tended to throw quite hard and put a lot of spin on the ball, but I encouraged her to throw it straight and not too hard to have better control. It took her a few gutter balls before she made it all the way to the pins and knocked some over, but she jumped up and down the first time she did. She was so pleased with herself. We ordered a basket of French fries and drank Cokes while we bowled. We were simply having a good time.

We ended up bowling three games, and Julia’s scores steadily improved with each one. It was so much fun for me to watch her enjoy herself. How far she had come from that disheartened, downcast girl I first saw at rehab to this fun-loving, delightful girl that she is now. Who could have guessed that knocking a few pins over in the company of two people who adored her would be all it would take to untether her from the stultifying atmosphere she was forced to endure at home?

We paid, returned the shoes, and left the alley. Before leaving, Fran called in our order for Chinese food, which we would pick up on the way home after stopping at Blockbuster to rent a movie.

We looked over a bunch. It was between The DaVinci Code, The Devil Wears Prada, and even Rocky Balboa. I asked Julia if she’d ever seen the original Rocky, and she hadn’t. In fact, she had never seen many movies at all, so we ended up renting that. I thought she would enjoy seeing Rocky and Adrian’s relationship develop.

Fran ate dinner with us, and after that, Julia played her violin. First, she treated us to the dueling parts of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” the country hit by the Charlie Daniel’s Band, then she really demonstrated her prowess by playing “The Flight of the Bumblebee.” The speed with which she played it was truly impressive.

“That was fantastic!” said Fran while applauding Julia when it was over. “Brian said you were good, but I couldn’t imagine how good you really are. Must be nice to be so skilled at something. You are very talented, Julia.”

“Thanks, Fran. You can call me Jules if you want. That’s what Brian calls me.”

I was beaming for her.

“Alright, I’m gonna let y’all watch the movie by yourselves now while I go upstairs and read.”

We said goodbye to her and went into the family room, where the TV and DVD player were. I got the movie started, and we sat cuddled up on the sofa to watch it. We mostly watched it, but a couple times we stopped to kiss for a while. At the end, Julia said she loved the movie, especially seeing how Rocky brought Adrian out of her shell. I knew she’d like that because it made us think of us.

When the movie was over, we spent some more time kissing, and then it was time to take her home. Fran came down to say goodbye after I called up and told her we’d be leaving. The two girls hugged each other, which was a neat sight. Fran was almost twice the size of Julia and dwarfed her, but they had a nice hug.

“It was so good meeting you, Jules. You are everything Brian has been raving about these past few weeks. You guys seem really good together.”

“I think so too. It was great meeting you too, Fran. You guys made me feel very comfortable, which isn’t something I’m that used to, but I could sure get used to it.”

“Well, I hope we get to see a lot more of you. My brother’s been much happier since he met you.”

Julia was blushing a little, but I could tell she liked hearing that.

She said goodbye to Fran, and I drove her home. At her house, I walked her to the door, and we shared a long kiss goodnight.

“I really had a great time, Brian. Thank you for everything. That was such a unique day for me. I’ve never done any of those things before—bowling, or Chinese food, or renting a movie. I realize how sheltered I’ve been and so focused on violin to the exclusion of just about everything else. I sure like the way you and Fran do things. It’s just so different from the way my family functions. Better.”

“Well, I’m glad. I had a great time too, and I’m really happy you and Fran hit it off. Let’s do it again next weekend.”

“I’d love that.” She reached up to kiss me again, and we embraced and shared another long goodnight kiss.

I hardly noticed my pain all afternoon and evening. Being with Julia took my mind right off it, but as soon as I was driving back home, I began to notice it again. Interesting the way the brain works.

Author Notes CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Book Summary

CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Chapter 19
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 19

By Jim Wile

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Recap of Chapter 18: Brian and Fran pick up Julia at her house to spend the afternoon together. They take her bowling for the first time ever for her, and she has a wonderful time “knocking the pins over” and pigging out on french fries and cokes. After bowling, they pick up Chinese food and the movie Rocky from the video store and spend the evening eating Chinese and watching the movie, both of which Julia hasn’t done before. Julia also entertains Brian and Fran with a few violin pieces.

It was a wonderful afternoon with her boyfriend and his sister, and she marvels at the contrast with her homelife.

Brian makes a significant discovery about how he begins feeling his pain again after dropping Julia off at home.

Chapter 19

When I got back home, I sat down with Fran in the family room. “Well, what did you think of her?”

“Do you even have to ask? She’s great. Don’t do anything stupid to lose her, little brother. You two seem terrific together. I’ve noticed the way she looks at you. Isn’t it nice to have someone who’s as crazy about you as you are about her?”

“Yeah, that’s for sure. I’m not sure what I felt about Sandi now. Maybe it was just lust.”

“Ya think?”

“But with Julia, we seem to be on the same wavelength about everything, like you said was important once. I think about her all the time. I’m not sure Sandi and I would have ever lasted, even if we’d been together. But Julia.…”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks. You know, when I’m with her, I don’t even think about my pain, but as soon as we’re apart, I start to notice it again.”

“That’s your endorphins. Handy little things. Kind of like a cat purring when it’s happy. It’s soothing for them. They even purr sometimes when you clip their claws because they’re soothing themselves.”

“I miss Chloe. I used to love her purr. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“Well, it’s good in a way to have that constant reminder.”

Julia and I continued with our weekend visits through the remainder of our junior year and through the summer, never missing a single one except during the month of July when she attended another music festival. She continued studying meditation and yoga and claimed they were helping her to be far less nervous about performing. She had entered several competitions, all of which she won. I had gone to see her play on several occasions, and her demeanor looked very calm.

I had tapered off Oxy under Fran’s direction, and while the pain was still very noticeable, I resisted the temptation so far to begin using again.

In October of my senior year, I applied for early acceptance to North Carolina State University in Raleigh. It’s the only college I applied to for early admission since I was confident that I would get in. In February of 2009, I was accepted.

Julia’s goal for college was to go to Juilliard in New York. We were both resigned to the fact that we wouldn’t be together physically during our college years, but we vowed to call each other often, visit when we could, and get together during vacations. We were in a committed relationship now, and neither of us desired to date others.

By mid-May 2009, Julia had already had auditions at two prestigious music schools and had been accepted at both, but her true desire was Juilliard. Her audition tape had qualified her for a live audition, and she would be heading to New York for this in a week.

Although her mother had gone with her to the two previous auditions, she would travel alone to this one because both her parents were heavily committed to work and couldn’t take off. Julia was used to traveling to distant cities by herself for various music camps and competitions, though, so this was not unusual. She had turned 18 in January, so she was officially an adult now. A friend of her mother’s, who lived in Brooklyn, would meet her at the airport and take her to her home to stay during the trip.

At the beginning of May, I had also turned 18, and in another week, Fran, now that she was free of the guardianship responsibility, was going to go on a two-week cruise with a girlfriend to the southern Caribbean. She was very excited about it.

To celebrate my birthday, Fran’s newfound freedom, Julia’s acceptance for a live audition to Juilliard, and our graduation from high school, the three of us decided to go bowling again together, then stop and have dinner at the Village Tavern in Winston-Salem.

Julia and I had gone bowling a few more times since that first time with Fran, and it was something we enjoyed doing together. Her mother was always leery about it, though, because she felt Julia ran the risk of damaging her hands somehow.

This particular evening was family night when the younger kids got to bowl for free, and there were a number of families at the lanes. This wasn’t ideal because the noise level was quite high and was somewhat distracting. A family with three kids under eight occupied the lane next to ours. There was a fair amount of screaming and carrying on between the two younger kids, and the parents were constantly telling them to shush.

I had just finished a frame, and it was Julia’s turn. As she reached down to get her ball, a sudden wail from the youngest child distracted her for a moment. Right at that instant, my ball came up through the ball return and crashed into Julia’s fingers, as she hadn’t gotten them into her ball yet.

“Oh, fuck!” she cried, which surprised everyone. I’d never heard her swear before. She immediately apologized to the family for exposing their kids to such language, but she was in obvious distress and couldn’t be blamed for it; it had just burst out. She grabbed her stricken hand with the other one and was beginning to whimper.

Fran and I gathered quickly around her to see the damage. When she slowly opened her hand, it was bleeding, and it appeared as though the nail of the ring finger of her right hand had popped up from the base and become detached.

My eyes widened. “Oh, God! Look at that. Jules, I’m so sorry that happened,” I said as I put my arm around her and ushered her back to the seats. Fran pulled some tissues from her purse and gently wrapped them around her finger to keep it from bleeding on the floor.

“We’ve got to get you to urgent care to look at that,” said Fran. “Let’s change your shoes, and Brian can return them and pay for the games we bowled.”

I helped her out of her bowling shoes and into her regular shoes and soon met them at the car after paying.

As Fran drove us to urgent care, Julia voiced the big concern she now had. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to play for the audition. My mother’s going to kill me if I have to miss it. I can just hear her raving that I never should have gone bowling, and what was I thinking being so careless with my hands? What am I going to do, Brian?”

“Well, at least it’s your bow hand, not your string hand, that was injured. Maybe you’ll still be able to hold your bow. If worse comes to worse, do you think you can hold it between your thumb and first two fingers?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Oh, this sucks, and it really hurts!”

“The audition is still 10 days away. Maybe it will feel a lot better by then.”

“I hope so, but it’s going to put a crimp in my practicing.”

“Jules, you’re so good. Do you even need to practice?”

“You’re sweet, but yes, if I want to stay sharp. Everyone who gets an audition there is good. There’ll be a bunch of us competing for a limited number of openings. I’ve got to keep practicing.”

“Well, let’s see what the doctor says about your chances of that. Don’t despair yet.”

I could tell she was very uptight about the situation, not the least being that she would have to face the wrath of her mother. I held her close until we got to the urgent care facility.

The doctor ended up removing the nail, cleaning and disinfecting the area, and wrapping it in a bandage. He had numbed her finger to remove the nail, and he told her to expect some pain when it wore off and to take Extra Strength Tylenol for it. As far as practicing went, she would have to play that by ear. There was nothing to stop her from trying to hold the bow and practicing as much as she wanted to. It would be entirely up to her.

That much was good news, but she was still worried it would require a major technique change to accommodate playing without the ring finger on the bow and that she wouldn’t have time to perfect a new technique.

Usually, I would only drop Julia off at home after our dates, but I decided to go in with her this time for moral support. When we got inside, her mother was in the family room and spotted Julia’s wounded hand immediately.

“Oh, my God! What happened?”

Julia looked forlorn. “I had a little accident with a bowling ball, and my ring finger got mashed between two balls. I lost the nail. We just came from urgent care, where the doctor removed it.”

“Julia, I told you this could happen. You should have listened to me!”

Not, “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” No compassion or commiseration at all, just a bawling out.

“And you’ve got your audition coming up. Do you have any idea what that’s going to do to your technique? This is a disaster!”

“It might not be that bad. I’ll have to wait and see. Please don’t yell at me anymore. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Oh, quit whining. Maybe you’ll listen to me next time.” She stormed off then to find Julia’s father and vent her frustration on him.

That left Julia and me standing there. I could see tears beginning to form in her eyes, and I folded her into my arms. I felt her trembling as I held her. “Don’t worry; it’s going to be okay. You’ll see,” I said softly while rubbing her back.

She eventually settled down, and we split apart.

“Call me tomorrow, after you’ve had a chance to try it out.”

“I will.”

I had such a strong feeling for her then, in this vulnerable state. Looking into her eyes, I said, “I love you, Jules.”

Her tears, which had largely dried, began forming again. “I love you too, Brian.”

Slowly, our mouths came together, and we kissed. It was a slow, sweet kiss, and when it was over, I turned to the door and said before leaving, “Call me.”

Chapter 20
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 20

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 19: Brian returns home after dropping Julia off, and he and Fran discuss his new relationship with Julia. She is happy for him. Brian and Julia continue to see each other every weekend.

Time passes, and Brian takes the SAT exam. He does very well and applies for early admission to NC State, where he is soon accepted. Meanwhile, Julia plans to audition for Juilliard and passes the first step when her audition tape is accepted for a personal audition. She will soon make this trip to Juilliard by herself in May because her parents are too busy to accompany her to New York.

Brian has just turned 18, and Fran decides to go on a two-week vacation to celebrate her freedom from guardianship. She, Brian, and Julia spend one final occasion together before everything happens, and they go bowling again and will have dinner following. An accident during bowling leaves Julia with a smashed finger, and a visit to urgent care results in losing a fingernail on her bow hand. She worries about how this will affect her coming audition. When Brian takes her home, her mother is irate about it and storms off after bawling Julia out. Brian comforts a shaken Julia and tells her he loves her in a tender moment.

Chapter 20

Julia did call me the following day with some fairly good news.

“I’m going to be able to hold the bow, but I won’t be able to practice as much as I would like because of the added strain on the rest of my hand. Without the ring finger to press against the frog, it changes the pressure of the other fingers, and it’s somewhat fatiguing to the hand. I can do it, but I can’t practice for hours at a time without my hand tiring. Then I get sloppy.”

“Could you play pieces you already know very well and won’t have to practice so much?”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to. The one I really wanted to play, I don’t think I’ll be able to master in time, but there are enough others to choose from that I already know. They will still require practice to be really sharp, though.”

“I know you’ll be able to do it.”

“Thanks for that. Mother keeps rubbing it in how careless I was, and she’s really making me uptight.”

“Can you just tell her to cool it and that she’s not helping? Maybe you could talk to your dad about it, and he could try to get her to lay off.”

“Fat chance of that. He tiptoes around her. Their marriage is pathetic.”

We grew silent for a bit. Then she said, “Brian, did you really mean what you said at the end there last night?”

“You bet I did. I don’t know why I waited so long to tell you. I’ve known it since our days at rehab.”

“I think I’ve always known it too. I didn’t have a lot to go by, though, since there isn’t much love around here.”

“How are we going to stand being away from each other so long when we’re at college?”

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to call each other every day and visit when we can.”

“I wish it wasn’t so far from Raleigh to New York, assuming you get into Juilliard, or I’d come up every weekend to be with you. But I’ll have to try whenever I can.”

“That would be so great. I was accepted at both Peabody in Baltimore and Cleveland Institute of Music. Both are closer than New York City, but all of them are still too far for regular weekend visits, although Cleveland is only about eight hours by car. If I don’t get into Juilliard, that would be my next choice.”

“Yeah, that’s a doable drive for more frequent visits, but I’m not going to root against your getting into Juilliard based on that. I know how badly you want to go there.”

Fran left on vacation six days later after extracting a promise from me not to do anything dumb like the last time she had been away two years ago. She would be back right before graduation, but I was now on my own for two weeks.

Julia left for New York the following day. Her audition would be two days later, which would give her a chance to settle in at her mother’s friend’s house for a day before her audition the day after that. I drove her to the Charlotte airport to catch her plane.

She seemed very nervous on the way there, and I asked her how she was feeling.

“To be honest, I’m feeling pretty anxious. I tried doing some yoga this morning and meditated for an hour, but my mind kept wandering, and it wasn’t very relaxing. Mother didn’t help things at all, and kept criticizing everything I was practicing. I finally told her to leave and let me work it out on my own.”

“I know you’ll do well, Jules. Try to forget about your mother. And remember, you’ve already gotten into CIM. That’s a pretty damn good school too.”

“You’re right. I’ll try not to dwell on it so much. God, I wish you were coming with me.”

The Charlotte airport is such a zoo that we agreed I would simply drop her off at departures and wouldn’t try coming in with her. When we pulled up in front of her airline, we gave each other a long kiss goodbye, and I wished her luck. “You’ve got your cell. Call me when you get there and anytime you feel like it over the next couple of days. I love you.”

“I love you too. Thanks for driving me and helping me calm down. I’d be a total wreck without you.”

She got out then, got her carry-on bag and violin from the rear seat, and we said goodbye a final time. I drove off with a sense of foreboding.

I stopped for some fast food on the way home from the airport, and it was well into the evening by the time I got back. Around 10:00 PM, Julia called, saying she had arrived safely. She was now at her mother’s friend’s house. The friend had two big Newfoundland pups who were very rambunctious and about knocked her over in their excitement at meeting her. She was not used to dogs, and they added to her stress level. They didn’t seem to want to leave her alone, she said, and their owner eventually had to lock them in the kitchen.

We talked for 20 minutes, and I tried my best to help calm her down again and encouraged her to meditate before going to bed. She promised she would.

In truth, I was worried about her. It seemed that her normal stress-reducing schemes weren’t working very well. I just hoped she hadn’t brought any barbiturates with her.

Later on, when I went to bed, I tossed and turned thinking about her and what she was feeling. I had a sudden brainstorm. She had said she wished I was going with her, so I decided to surprise her.

I got up and got dressed. I threw some clothes into a carry bag, plus my toothbrush and a few other personal items, then got on the computer to try to find a hotel. I didn’t think it would be right to invite myself to her mother’s friend’s house. I was 18 now and could make a reservation somewhere.

I found a Motel 6 in Brooklyn that was reasonably priced for New York, which was still about twice what I would pay here, but I had the money for it. I called, and there was a nighttime clerk with whom I made a reservation for two nights. I looked up the route to the motel on Google Maps and printed out the instructions. Then I hopped in my car and took off. It was 2:30 AM, and I would arrive there around noon.

The route took me through New Jersey, south of Newark, across the Verrazano Narrows Bridge, and into Brooklyn. I had never been to New York before and was quite amazed at how tightly packed together everything was. The biggest city I had ever been in was Charlotte, which paled in comparison to the New York Metropolitan area. I got a little lost but managed to find my motel by around 1:00 PM.

As soon as I settled in, I called Julia.

“Hey, Jules.”

“Hey, Brian.”

“How are you feeling today?”

“Mrs. Landry made me a nice breakfast, then I started practicing a bit, but the dogs started barking when they heard me. They were right outside the bedroom door, scratching to get in. I couldn’t really concentrate.”

“Oh, brother. I’m sorry. Hey, listen. What’s your address there?”

She paused for a moment. “Why? Are you planning to send me flowers or something?”

“Maybe.”

“You don’t need to send me anything.”

“Maybe I want to.”

“That’s sweet. Okay, it’s 32 Stevens Ct. in Brooklyn, NY.”

“Got it.” We talked for a while longer, and I said I’d call her again that night.

There was a computer in the hotel office, and I went online to Google Maps, where I got directions to 32 Stevens Ct. I had to copy the directions down because I didn’t have access to a printer.

I was starving, but I didn’t want to wait any longer to see Julia. Perhaps we could go out to lunch together. I found a florist and picked out a bouquet of flowers to surprise her with. She was expecting flowers, so I would bring her flowers. She just wasn’t expecting who would be delivering them.

I found the house where she was staying, but parking was very scarce, and I ended up parking two blocks away and walking back. When I rang the bell, Mrs. Landry answered the door, and I said, “I have a delivery of flowers for Miss Julia Entwistle.”

She called back, “Julia, there’s a delivery here for you.”

In a few moments, she came to the door. The bouquet of flowers was covering my face, and when I lowered them, she let out a gasp.

“Brian! What are you doing here?”

“Delivering flowers to you. Duh!”

“Get in here,” and she pulled me in. She squeezed me hard and buried her face in my chest. I could feel tears beginning to wet my shirt. I handed the bouquet to Mrs. Landry and hugged Julia back tightly. After a minute, she looked up and said, “Helen, this is my boyfriend, Brian Kendrick. He dropped me off at the airport yesterday afternoon and must have driven here last night. Brian, this is Helen Landry.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Landry.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Brian. Julia has talked about you quite a lot.”

The dogs were barking up a storm in the kitchen, so Mrs. Landry left to go shush them.

“I can’t believe you drove all this way to be with me!”

“I was worried about you. You sounded like you needed me. Listen, have you had lunch yet? I’m starving, but I wanted to come see you first.”

“No, I haven’t. Let me tell Helen you’re taking me to lunch, then we can go.”

When we got outside, she said there was a White Castle a couple blocks away on Flatbush Avenue, and we could walk there. The burgers were small—slider size really—but absolutely delicious. You could squeeze the grease out of them without too much effort, which made them really tasty. The fries were good too. Julia ate one burger, but I ate six of them.

After the burgers, we found a park, sat down for a while on a bench, and just talked.

“Brian, I’m really glad you came. I’ll be honest with you; I was so distraught this morning with the audition tomorrow and those dogs barking and scratching at the door that I felt like taking a Seconal. I didn’t have any to take, but if I had, I swear I would have taken one. I was about to ask Helen if she had any kind of tranquilizer to help take the edge off, but I’m so glad you showed up instead. No telling what that might have started up again. I don’t want to get involved with those again, but nothing else was working.”

“Well, that’s what I was worried about. I didn’t know if you still had any of those pills or if you’d gotten rid of them all. I didn’t want to see you possibly get hooked again. I know how easy it is to fall off the wagon.”

“I love you for that. Thank you for caring so much.”

“Of course I do. I love you too.” We kissed, then we sat there snuggled up together on the park bench for a while, until I started nodding off.

“Hey, Brian. Where are you staying while you’re here?”

“I’m staying at a Motel 6 nearby for two nights.”

“Why don’t you go back there and get some sleep? I’m sure you’re exhausted if you drove through the night. Then we can get together again for dinner later. I’ll tell Helen that we’ll be going out.”

“That sounds like a plan. Okay, I’ll call you when I’ve slept for a few hours.”

“I’ll practice some more while you’re sleeping. I already feel a lot less nervous now. Maybe Helen will take her dogs for a long walk too.”

Chapter 21
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 21

By Jim Wile

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content.

Recap of Chapter 20: Julia gives Brian the good news that she can hold the bow successfully, but she won’t be able to practice as much for her coming audition at Juilliard. Fran goes on a two-week vacation, leaving Brian, who is now 18, by himself at home. Julia leaves for the audition the following day, and Brian drives her to the airport. She seems very nervous, and she wishes Brian could go with her.

He drives home and begins to worry about her. Unable to sleep that night, he decides he will drive up and meet her to provide the support he feels she needs. He drives through the night and arrives in Brooklyn, where she is staying with a family friend. He goes to the house and shows up at the door with a bouquet of flowers. She is ecstatic that he has come to be with her. They have lunch together at a White Castle and make plans for dinner later that night after he catches up on his sleep.

Chapter 21

After walking her back to Mrs. Landry’s house, I took her suggestion and returned to my motel room, where I slept for five hours. I called her when I awoke, and we agreed that I would pick her up in front of her house at 6:00 sharp to save me from having to try to find a parking place.

She was there when I pulled up at 6:00. She was wearing her snug-fitting black yoga pants, a loose-fitting white sweater, and her red beret. Just as cute as could be. She looked at ease and had a big smile for me.

I was wearing jeans and a sweater too, since it was a little cool on this late-May day.

“You look rested now,” she said.

“Yeah, I needed that. I slept soundly too. You look pretty rested yourself. Not at all uptight about your audition tomorrow.”

“Doing some meditation and yoga this afternoon and only practicing for an hour because it’s sounding really good helped, but the biggest factor is that you’re here now. You can’t imagine what that’s done to elevate my mood.”

“It was worth the drive just to hear you say that. Where do you want to eat? Nothing too fancy, I hope; I didn’t really dress for it.”

“Yeah, me neither. How about we go to Olive Garden? There’s one not too far from here.”

“That sounds good.”

There was a 20-minute wait to get a table, so we sat on benches near the entry and talked about the audition the next day.

“They will have me play a few of the pieces I prepared, not necessarily the entire piece, but enough to get a feel for my playing. They will also give me music to sight-read, but I’m used to that, and that’s really one of my strengths. They give you a couple minutes to study the music, and then you just play it. The audition will be at 2:30 PM on campus.”

“I’d be happy to drive you.”

“You would? Oh, that would be so great! Helen works, so I was going to have to rely on public transportation to get there, and I was a little worried about that. Your being here is making this so much less stressful for me.”

“That was the idea.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We enjoyed dinner at Olive Garden and took a short walk around afterwards.

When we got back in the car, I said, “Do you need to practice tonight, or do you maybe want to come back with me to the motel, and we could watch a TV movie or something. They’ve got a lot of cable channels. I’m sure we can find something good to watch.”

“Yeah, I don’t plan on practicing again today, especially since you’re here now. Let’s do it.”

We headed back to the Motel 6, but as soon as we got inside and closed the door, we grabbed each other and started kissing. It became rather frenzied, with tongues rapidly swirling inside each other’s mouths. Our hands began moving all over our bodies in places they had never been before as our passion rose. Clothes started coming off, and we collapsed on the bed together.

After a moment, I stopped and sat up on the edge of the bed. “Is this going where I think it’s going because I don’t have a condom?”

“We won’t need to worry about that.”

“Well, if that means you want to, then I think we do.”

“No, we don’t. I’ve been on the pill for over a year now. I have an ovarian cyst that the doctor is treating by putting me on the pill. So, get back here.”

“Are you sure you want to?”

“Please get back here. There’s nothing I want more right now.”

Who was I to argue with that? and we resumed where we had left off. The remainder of our clothes were off in an instant, and we were both incredibly ready to begin a new phase of our lives together. “I’ve never done this before,” I mumbled breathlessly between kisses.

“Me neither. I guess we’ll figure it out together.”

We released each other, and I knelt between her parted thighs, and she helped guide me into her. The feeling was incredible, and we rocked together for about 10 seconds, and it was suddenly over for me as I thrust away inside. I lay there on top of her for a few moments before I grew soft and pulled out. I looked into her face. “I’m sorry. I thought it would last longer than that.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve got all night to try again later. It was wonderful while it lasted, though.”

“It was, wasn’t it? If only that feeling could last a lot longer.”

“It will. Let’s just lie here for a while.”

I got off her and positioned myself to her side. We started kissing again, and my hand moved to between her legs. She parted them, and I began rubbing her, perhaps a bit clumsily. She gently took my hand, guided it where it needed to go, and helped me until I had the right idea. It was so wet and slippery down there as my fingers found their rhythm. She began writhing and murmuring with pleasure as the intensity increased. Then she was moaning and crying, “Oh, my God, oh my God, don’t stop,” as my motions became more vigorous. I plied her with kisses at the same time, and she writhed and moaned until a few seconds later she exploded, and her body spasmed uncontrollably as she cried out, “Oh, God!”

She lay still, panting for a few seconds, until her hand reached down between my legs. I was hard again, and she pulled me on top of her and said, “Please put it inside me.”

And I did, and I took it slower this time. Very gently at first, I moved in and out, but gradually I picked up the pace. It felt so good, but I wasn’t on the verge of coming so soon like the first time. She began moaning again and telling me to go a little faster, and I picked up the pace even more. Our mouths came together, and our tongues began flying. Our arms were wrapped around each other, and our bodies molded perfectly together. She wrapped her legs around my back, and I thrust into her as deeply as I could. This lasted for several minutes until I couldn’t hold it any longer, and I exploded again inside her. My heart was pounding a mile a minute as I lay on top of her. I continued to thrust a little, but it soon became pointless, and I slipped out and lay beside her, panting. “Oh my God, that was so good!” I said.

“It was for me too. I love feeling you inside me. Do you think you could rub me a little bit more?”

I turned to her and reached between her legs, found the right spot, and within a minute, she was spasming again. When it was over, we both lay side-by-side, panting.

“Phew! Who knew?” she said.

“Yeah, who knew?”

I took her hand, and we lay there, our sides pressed together, holding hands, as we gradually caught our breaths and our hearts slowed. Then she curled into me. She put her leg over mine and her head on my chest as my arm went around her. I slowly moved the fingers of my other hand up and down her back and sides, and she shivered occasionally. We were at perfect peace with one another.

We lay there like that for the longest time and actually fell asleep together for a while. When I awoke, it was 10:00 PM and no light came in around the curtains at the window. Julia stirred and looked at the clock.

“It’s getting late. I’d better call Helen and tell her I’m staying here tonight. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is. Will that be okay with her?”

“I’m 18 and an adult now. I can do what I want, and I want to stay here with you,” she said with a sweet smile.

“Better call her then.”

She did, and she explained to Helen that she would return to get her things in the morning. Helen told her she would be gone to work by then but that she would leave the key under the mat for her to unlock the house. Julia thanked her for her hospitality, which would no longer be required since she would be staying with me for another day. She explained that she would drive home with me rather than take the flight home, and that Helen wouldn’t have to drive her to the airport either.

After that, we got ready for bed. She didn’t have a toothbrush with her, but she wasn’t against using mine to brush her teeth.

When we were all done in the bathroom, we lay down together naked in the bed. As you might expect, we began kissing again, which led to more, and we had one more bout of sex before we lay together, exhausted, and talked for a while.

“I’m sure glad you’ve been taking the pill.”

“Well, the cyst went away after a while, but Mother said I should keep taking it. I should try to avoid making the same stupid mistake she made when she got pregnant with me. ‘Stupid mistake.’ Can you imagine how that made me feel when she said that? She is a gifted violinist, and I think she secretly blames having me for holding back her career, so that now she’s just a big fish in the small pond called the Charlotte Symphony Orchestra.”

“That’s sad… for you, I mean. Do you think maybe that’s why she puts so much pressure on you to excel—that hopefully you’ll be able to do what she can’t seem to?”

She hesitated before answering, “I never really thought about it that way. You could be right, and I don’t quite know what to make of that. Is she just thinking of herself, or does she really care about me? I don’t know for sure. I do know that I love playing the violin. I just don’t love all the pressure she puts on me.”

We talked for a while longer and finally went to sleep for the night, snuggled in each other’s arms.

We awoke around 9:00 AM and did it again before getting dressed and going to breakfast. We were both starving, as all the activity from the night before and this morning left us ravenous. After a big breakfast at a Denny’s, we headed to Helen’s house, where Julia retrieved her things. She left Helen a quick note, thanking her again for her hospitality, and we went back to the motel.

Julia decided to practice for an hour, simply running over the pieces she would perform. She sounded great, and she said she was fairly relaxed.

We left for the city much earlier than was necessary because we had no idea what navigation or parking would be like, so better safe than sorry. Everything took longer, so it was a good thing we left early. We arrived on campus and found our way to the music building with plenty of time to spare. No added stress on that front.

When 2:30 rolled around, I wished her luck. “How do you feel?”

“Not too nervous, really. Only a little.”

“Well, you’ll do great. I love you. Knock ‘em dead.”

“I love you too. Thanks for being here for me. I don’t know how I’d be feeling now if you hadn’t come.”

“No worries about my coming!” I said, and we laughed at my little double-entendre. I gave her a kiss and wished her luck again, then she went in for her audition.

When she came out, she was smiling.

“Well?”

“I did great. I feel really good about it.”

“Oh, Jules, I knew you would!”

“Let’s get the hell out of here and go home. I mean back to the motel. We’ve still got the rest of the day here. And the night!”

“You got it, babe.”

The rest of our time in New York was wonderful. We did what we wanted, when we wanted, and much of that time was spent between the sheets. We were insatiable together.

The following morning, we packed up and headed home in my car. We drove home at a leisurely pace, stopping several times for snacks or a meal. Julia wanted to stop at an outlet mall, where she bought some new clothes, which I helped her pick out. She also bought me a new shirt, and I got a new pair of sports shoes.

I dropped her off at home later that night, and we kissed goodbye.

“I can’t thank you enough for coming up to be with me, Brian. I love you so much. I feel really good about getting in now, and I’m not sure how it would have gone if you hadn’t come.”

“You probably would have gotten in anyway, but who cares? I was there when you needed me. I’ll always try to be there when you need me. I love you so much too. Goodnight, Sweetie.”

“Goodnight.”

Three weeks later, Julia got her registration packet in the mail. She had made it into Juilliard.

Chapter 22
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 22

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 21: Brian picks Julia up for dinner after getting a few hours’ sleep at his motel. They eat at Olive Garden, then go back to the motel to watch some TV, but they begin making out, which leads to their first sexual experience. Perhaps this is what Julia finally needed to release all the tension she has had about the audition because she performs very well the next day with very few nerves. They spend the rest of the day in New York, then leave for home the following day in Brian’s car. Three weeks later, she is accepted into Juilliard.

Chapter 22

Summer, 2009

Fran returned from her vacation relaxed and in good spirits. She and her friend had met a couple of guys on the ship, and the four of them hung around together most of the time. She looked great, as if a heavy weight had been lifted from her, which, I guess, in a way it had. She was no longer responsible for parenting me, and now we could relate to each other in more of a sibling capacity. That didn’t mean I changed my behavior because of it. She may no longer have been my parent, but I was still greatly beholden to her and cared what she thought of me. I didn’t want to disappoint her again.

She mentioned she had really hit it off with one of the two guys on the ship named Mike Pekarsky, who hailed from Wilmington, North Carolina. He was a lineman for Duke Energy. He was a couple inches shorter than she was but built like a fireplug, she said. He was also into lifting. Wilmington was only three hours from here, and they planned to visit each other in a few weeks. I was happy for her.

We talked about Julia’s audition and how I drove up to be with her. She was proud of me for that and delighted for Julia.

High school graduation came and went with little fanfare, and summer break was here. Right after graduation, I underwent a microdiscectomy for a herniated disc in my upper back. Two of the herniated discs had eventually healed themselves, but this one had become sequestered, meaning a piece of it had broken off and traveled away from the original site of the herniation and lodged itself painfully against a nerve root. This was the major source of my pain, although there was also some facet joint pain. It’s been two years since the accident, and the pain was only marginally better than it had been following the accident. Still holding at a constant level 6.

Following the operation in early June, I had to give up mowing lawns with Derek. The doctor said I couldn’t do anything strenuous for four to six weeks. I couldn’t do any weight lifting either, and was only allowed to do mild exercises.

We also discussed using Tramadol, a mild opioid, for pain relief following the surgery, but he said there would be a risk of developing a dependence on it in light of my history of opioid abuse. I opted for nothing except extra-strength Tylenol. This didn’t do much for the pain, but, being an addict, I feared any kind of opioid medication, even a weak one. I just had to grin and bear it, but there was a lot of bearing and not much grinning.

The thing that seemed to help the most was having sex with Julia, which we did whenever she came to my house. The endorphins released during sex were extremely effective in taking my mind off the pain. I wasn’t really supposed to have sex for a few weeks following the surgery, so we took it easy at first, but this eventually became more vigorous. She had her driver’s license now and would come over two or three nights a week. Even after I had sufficiently recuperated, she continued to come to my house a lot more than I went to hers, mostly for that reason.

I still needed to earn some money, and I was fortunate to be able to line up a few tutoring jobs for kids who had to attend summer school. They were good enough to come to my house for their lessons, so I didn’t have to arrange transportation to their houses. I wouldn’t be allowed to drive for a few weeks following the surgery.

Julia, likewise, was earning money by giving lessons to a few beginners this summer at her house. This was a new experience for her—teaching—and she said she enjoyed it. I enjoyed teaching too and was good at it, as I had been with Sandi a few years ago.

As summer’s end was rapidly approaching, it was time to start getting ready for college. NC State was to begin a week before Juilliard, and the night before I had to leave, Julia came over to help me pack and say goodbye.

After packing my suitcase, boxing up the remainder, and loading some of the stuff into the car, we relaxed out on the porch with some Cokes.

“Have you figured out yet what you might want to major in?” she asked me.

“Not really. It will most likely be in math or science, but beyond that, I honestly don’t know. I think about sex a lot and how it seems to be a natural painkiller. I’d like to understand it better from a scientific standpoint.”

She smiled. “Yeah, I think about it too, but as a pharmaceutical, that could also become addicting, couldn't it? Can you imagine having the pleasure of sex all day long? Mankind would never get anything else done.”

“Exactly. Raffi and I used to talk about that—not about sex per se—but about separating pleasure from pain relief. For some people, sex addiction is a real thing, just like opioid addiction, but not exactly like it because you can’t really OD from sex, can you? I don’t know. Maybe you can, but I don’t think it would kill you. But like you said, it’s an addiction all the same. The point is that mixing pleasure with painkilling just confuses things. It may be nature’s way of distracting you from pain, but man-made drugs that mix the two just screw things up.”

“So, maybe you should study something like biochemistry and find the solution to this.”

“Very perceptive of you. I’ve actually been researching that a little. Biochemistry has several main areas, but the one that seems most appealing to me is neurobiology. I’d like to understand how pain signals are transmitted and how the body’s endorphins work to learn how to suppress them. Hey, but let’s not worry about suppressing ‘em right now. Instead, want to go see if we can produce a few? It may be a while until we can do that again.”

She stood then, took my hand, and began leading me toward my bedroom.

She ended up spending the night with me after calling her parents and telling them about her plans. Her mother seemed to be extremely liberal-minded about this. Now that Julia was 18, her mother didn’t care so much about her having sex. Her main objections were that the amount of time we spent together ate into Julia’s precious practice time. Plus, she just didn’t like me and thought my being an addict was bad for Julia. Julia, however, was beginning to not care what her mother thought about things. Whatever her father’s opinion was of premarital sex or me, it didn’t seem to count for much of anything in that family.

Fran joined us for breakfast the following morning—pancakes and bacon. When it was over and the dishes were cleared and put in the dishwasher, she and I said goodbye. As we hugged, she said, “You take care, little brother.”

This was a joke between us because, at 6’-2”, I was now three inches taller than she was and outweighed her by 40 pounds. “Okay, big sister. I’m going to miss you, Fran. You take care, yourself, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

She gave me the expected response: “That gives me a lot of leeway. Be good, and be safe, and call once in a while.”

“I will.”

Julia then helped me pack the few remaining items into the car, and it was time for us to say goodbye. When the final moments came, she started tearing up. I took her in my arms and held her for a long time.

I said to her in a commentator’s voice, “AND SO BEGINS A NEW PHASE IN THEIR YOUNG LIVES. God, I wish we could be together, Jules. I’m going to miss you so much. Let’s try to make a Skype call every day for at least a few minutes, no matter how busy we might be. That okay with you?”

Smiling, she said, “DOES HE EVEN NEED TO ASK?” imitating my commentator voice. “Hey, Babe, we’ll make time if we have to. I love you so much. This is going to be hard.”

“I love you too, Babe. You better believe it will be hard—in more ways than one!” We laughed about that. “And I don’t believe Skype sex is illegal. Maybe Skype will be just the thing we need if we can’t be together.”

“We’ll have to try it if we can get our roommates to be gone for a while.”

“Sounds like maybe the next best thing. Well, I guess I’d better go.”

We hugged and kissed again, then I got into the driver’s seat and buckled up. I put the window down, and she leaned down, and we kissed a final time. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said, as the tears formed again in her eyes.

Chapter 23
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 23

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 22: Fran returns from her two-week vacation rested and relieved that she no longer has to parent Brian. Brian undergoes surgery to repair one of the herniated discs he suffered in his auto accident two years prior. It’s a success, but recovery means he can’t mow lawns to make money during the summer. Instead, he tutors. Julia also begins teaching beginner violinists.

Brian and Julia see a lot of each other over the summer and continue to have sex. At the end of summer, Brian leaves for college a week before Julia starts at Juilliard after a rather heavy discussion of his potential major at college—biochemistry. They have a tearful goodbye but promise to stay in touch via Skype.

Chapter 23

Fall, 2009

Although technically an adult at age 18, I had nowhere near the level of maturity required of a responsible adult. My years at college were a good first step, though, if you can put aside the disastrous end to my freshman year that you'll hear about. Perhaps that was the impetus I needed to set me on the true path to maturity. It took some amazing support from those closest to me to help me overcome the impediments I largely put in my own way. But that will be seen a few chapters from now.

I pulled up in front of Alexander Hall, my home for the next year. It was not a very modern dormitory. It was built in 1940 and was a long, rectangular building with three stories. All the rooms were traditional 2-person rooms rather than the more modern suite-style rooms.

Luggage carts were available, and I loaded all my stuff onto one, parked my car, and took the elevator to the third floor, where my room was. I didn’t have that much stuff and made it in one trip. My roommate had already moved in. When I walked in, pulling my cart, I found him at his desk. He immediately stood and said, “Hello, I am Daniel Molebatsi,” and he offered me his hand.

“I’m Brian Kendrick,” I said, shaking hands with him. “When did you get in?”

“I am happy to meet you, Brian. I have been here since yesterday, when I flew into the Raleigh-Durham Airport. I am from Botswana. I hope you don’t mind my taking the left side of the room. If you have a preference for it, we can switch.”

He was about my height and was a well-built black kid with a handsome face. He was one of many international students housed in Alexander Hall. He spoke perfect English with a formal manner of speech, enunciating his words very clearly.

“No, you’re fine. I’ll take this side,” I said, and I started unloading the cart. “I’m from Kernersville, which is a smallish town about 90 minutes west of here. So, Botswana, huh? Where is that exactly?”

“It is in the south of the African continent, just above South Africa. I am from the city of Francistown.”

As I continued unloading the cart and unpacking my stuff, I asked him, “Is this your first time in the US, Daniel?”

“Yes, it is my first time outside of my country, except for an occasional trip to Bulawayo in Zimbabwe.”

“How did you happen to choose NC State in the US to go to school?”

“I wish to study business management, and the Poole College of Management is highly ranked in the US. What are you planning to study, Brian?”

“I was undeclared on my application, but I’m leaning towards biochemistry, although I’m not really sure yet. I’ve got a while before I have to declare a major. So, do you know anybody here?”

“I do not. I am hoping to meet many people, especially girls,” he said with a grin. “This is a co-educational dormitory, and there are girls down the hall from here! I have seen them.”

I chuckled at his seeming naivete. “Yeah, many dorms in the US are coed these days.” As I finished my unpacking, it was just after noon, and I was starting to get hungry again. “So, is the food any good at this place?”

“I have eaten three times in the cafeteria, and the food is nutritious and delicious. I have not eaten lunch. Are you wishing to go now to eat?”

“Sure. How about if I bring this cart back down and we can go have lunch?”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

The cafeteria food was indeed ‘nutritious and delicious’ as Daniel put it, with a large salad bar and many different food stations. Because there were so many international students in this dorm, a number of these featured a variety of international foods. I tried some sushi and a few dim sum dumplings that looked good. It wasn’t the best sushi I’d ever had, but the dim sum was outstanding.

They say that freshmen often gain 15 pounds their first year away from home. I could see that I would probably have to exert some willpower not to put on too much weight.

I noticed that Daniel was quite muscular, and I asked him if he liked working out in a gym.

“I do, very much. There are several health clubs in my city, and I had a membership at one of them. I have inquired, and there is a facility called the Carmichael Fitness Center that is just a short walk from this dormitory. I was planning to go there this afternoon to see it for myself. Do you like to work out too, Brian?”

“I’ve never had a gym membership, but I do like to work out. I do it every morning with my older sister. We like to lift weights.”

“Yes, I also lift weights. We will have to work out together.”

“That would be great. Maybe after lunch you can show me where this Carmichael Center is.”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

I think he liked that expression.

Daniel and I became fast friends, and we would often work out together. Our academic schedules were quite dissimilar, for he was to be a business major and I most likely would major in one of the sciences, but some of our humanities requirements were the same.

I had been able to fairly easily breeze through high school, but college proved to be way more rigorous. I found I had to study much harder than I did in high school, which was practically nil. Daniel also studied hard. He spent more time on it, perhaps because English was not his first language, although he was quite fluent in it.

I spoke to Julia via Skype every night, as we had planned. Our calls took place religiously at 6:30 PM. I didn’t want to disturb Daniel’s studying, so I usually took my laptop down to a sparsely-used lounge area on my floor, and we talked there.

One night, when Julia called at 6:30, I hadn’t left for the lounge yet, and I introduced Daniel to her.

“Hello, Julia. Daniel Molebatsi here,” he said in his musical voice, appearing in the screen beside me.

“Hi, Daniel. It’s nice to meet you. Brian has told me a lot about you.”

“And he has described you to me as well, but he understated how very pretty you are.”

“That’s so kind of you, Daniel,” she said with a smile.

“My pleasure, Julia. So, you are a violinist. Brian tells me you play exquisitely and that Juilliard is an elite school. I must hear you play sometime.”

“I hope to come visit one day, and I’ll bring my violin.”

“That would be most wonderful. Brian is a very good roommate, and we enjoy each other’s company. He laughs at many of the things I say, so he must think I am a funny fellow, but I am not often making a joke.”

“It’s probably because he enjoys the way you speak, Daniel. It’s refreshing to hear someone speak so clearly. I enjoy it too.”

“You are very kind too, Julia. Well, I will say goodbye to you now, and it was nice talking to you. Brian is a lucky fellow.”

“It was nice meeting and talking to you too, Daniel. Goodbye.”

Holding my laptop, I left the room with a two-finger salute to Daniel and headed down to the lounge, where we could resume our conversation.

“Is not Daniel a delightful fellow, Julia?” I said, imitating his intonation and manner of speech.

She laughed. “He’s really nice. You’re lucky to have a good roommate who you enjoy doing things with. Mine seems very aloof and not much fun to be around. You know I’m not a real big talker, but she’s even quieter than me. She’s a pianist, and she’s hardly ever here but is in the studio most of the day and evenings. We hardly talk at all.”

“That’s a shame. Have you made any friends since you’ve been there?”

“Yep. I’ve become friendly with the two girls next door in my dorm, and we hang around often and eat together in the cafeteria for most meals. All of us spend a fair amount of time practicing our instruments, so there isn’t a lot of spare time, but what there is, we spend together.”

“So, your roommate is out most evenings, huh? On Tuesday and Thursday nights, Daniel attends an evening Bible study from 7:00 to 8:30, which takes him out of the room during that time. You see where I’m going with this?”

“I think I do! So, maybe we can spend those evenings together alone in the privacy of our rooms?”

“Yes, Julia. That would be most agreeable to me,” I said in Daniel-speak.

She laughed again. “Well, tonight is Thursday. Will he be leaving soon for Bible study?”

“I just saw him pass in the hall, and we waved to each other. I’m heading back to my room now. You game?”

“I’m game. I’m in my room already. Let me flip the deadbolt.”

Chapter 24
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 24

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 23: Brian arrives at NC State and meets his roommate, Daniel Molebatsi, from Botswana. They become fast friends. They do many things together, including eating meals in the cafeteria, studying, and working out in the gym. Both are gym rats. Brian teaches Daniel many new American expressions and idioms.

Brian and Julia begin their nightly Skype sessions, and he introduces her to Daniel one evening. Like Brian, she is amused by his formal way of speaking with perfect, well-enunciated English. When Daniel leaves for Bible study later that night, Brian and Julia try out having Skype-sex.

Chapter 24

One weekend during that first semester, I was able to take some time off and visit Julia. My last Friday class was over by 11:00 AM, and I hopped in my car and took off for Juilliard, making it there by 7:30 that evening. I would head back late Sunday afternoon.

I got there just in time to hear Julia play in a string quartet at 8:00. Knowing it would be close, she texted me directions right to the auditorium where she would be performing. She caught my eye in the audience as she was playing a few tuning notes with the others before they began to play. We smiled at each other across the auditorium.

The piece was the fourth movement of the Schubert String Quartet No. 14. The program called it “Death and the Maiden.” What a performance! The frenzied pace of the tarantella was quite phenomenal, as the number of notes that poured out of their instruments with such subtle movements of their bows, was almost beyond belief. Their string fingers really flew.

I’m no expert, but it sounded flawless to me. The audience received it very enthusiastically when it was over. Smiling broadly, Julia looked right at me, applauding away and smiling back. She was in her element up there.

In the text with the directions, she had said she didn’t have to hang around afterwards, and I met her outside on the front steps of the auditorium. We embraced and kissed enthusiastically, since this was the first time we’d seen each other in person in 10 weeks.

“What a fine bit a fiddlin’ y’all did up there, darlin’. Plum sent shivers up m’ spine. They must be teachin’ y’all real good at this here music collitch,” I said, affecting a backwoods North Carolina hillbilly accent.

“Well, thank ya kindly, darlin'. So glad y’all cottoned to it,” she quipped back.

We laughed as we separated from the embrace and headed down the stairs, hand-in-hand, back to her dorm.

“Seriously, that was really good. Sounded professional to me, though I know I don’t have a trained ear.”

“I have to admit, it was pretty good. I was a little nervous about it and meditated for half an hour before heading over here. I’ve come to think perhaps a few nerves are fine; they keep you on your toes, and everybody gets them.”

“That’s really great to hear.”

“You’ve told me your pain has been somewhat better following the operation. Is it still improving, and how did the car ride up affect it?”

“It’s gradually improving, but not quite as quickly as I’d hoped. It’s certainly better than before the operation. I don’t know if that will be the ultimate remedy. I’ll just have to wait and see. It’s bearable at any rate. As far as the car ride, I could have done without some of the traffic around D.C. and in the New York metropolitan area. Together, that added more than an hour to the trip, but I guess it wasn’t too bad.”

“So, do you think it will be worth making such a long trip?”

“I don’t know. I’ll tell you when it’s over.”

She laughed. “I’ll try to make it worthwhile. By the way, my roommate is performing at 9:00 and is going out afterward, so she won’t be back ‘til late. You see where I’m going with this?”

“I think I do. This trip is getting better all the time!”

The frenzy of our initial coupling matched that of the tarantella I’d just heard. Following some cuddling, we took the next movement more andante, and it was equally sensual as we got to know each other again in the carnal sense.

Afterwards, we fell asleep in each other’s arms and didn’t even hear her roommate’s return. Julia had hung a sheet to divide the room, so we were able to get dressed at ease when we awoke in the morning, and we quietly headed out to get some breakfast, leaving her roommate fast asleep.

“So, is it going any better with your roommate?”

“Not a lot. She still keeps to herself quite a bit. I try to be friendly, but she doesn’t seem interested in becoming friends. She isn’t mean; she just prefers to keep to herself and doesn’t share anything. How is it going with you and Daniel?”

“Great. He’s become a good buddy. I’ve taught him a lot about living and talking in the US—some of the idioms and expressions we use. It’s a riot hearing him try them out, sometimes inappropriately, but he’s added a few to his speech. I love hearing him talk. I think he misuses some of the idioms on purpose just to get a rise out of me.”

“That’s funny. He does seem delightful. What do you guys do together?”

“Mainly eat, and study, and work out in the gym. I’ve been teaching him to talk a little smack while we’re there too, and that is really funny to hear.”

“Sounds like you’re corrupting him.”

“Only in a fun and amusing way. That’s just how guys are. We love insulting each other. Don’t girls do that very much? I know Fran and I always have.”

“I’ve never done it, but I’m sure they do. I’ve heard a little of it.”

“Daniel says he’d really like to meet you. Any chance you might pay us a visit some weekend?”

“I think my school gets out a few days before yours does at Christmas break. Maybe I could come then. They keep us so busy here, and I just have to practice so much that it’s hard to take a weekend off, especially if I have to spend close to 20 hours on the road getting to and from.”

“Are you going to have to practice this weekend?”

“Not much. Only for a couple of hours. You can come with me to the practice room if you want. Did you bring some homework or a book to read while I’m practicing?”

“I didn’t figure I would need anything. I plan to just listen to you practice if that won’t make you nervous. I love to hear you play.”

“You’re sweet. You won’t make me nervous. Maybe afterwards, I’ll show you around the campus. This is a beautiful place. And, if you’d like, we could walk over to Central Park. It’s not far.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” I said in Daniel-speak.

The weekend passed quickly, and before I knew it, it was time to say goodbye.

She said to me, “So, what’s your assessment now? Was it worth the long drive?”

“You better believe it was. Best time I’ve had all semester. Skype sex hardly compares to the real thing! But it was much more than that. I love being around you, Jules. I hope by the end of college we still feel the same about each other because I’d like to make the relationship more permanent. You see where I’m going with this?”

“I think I do, and, as Daniel might say, “That sounds most agreeable to me.”

“I love you, Julia Entwistle.”

“And I love you too, Brian Kendrick. You drive safely now, and we’ll talk about my trip to visit you some more.”

We gave each other one last hug and kiss. I could see tears in her eyes as I got in my car and left.

Author Notes For those of you who may be thinking, "God, I hope he doesn't keep up all this feel-good stuff for the rest of the story," try to think of this and the next few chapters as the calm before the storm. This ebb and flow has been, and will continue to be, the pattern of Brian's life for a while.

This clip is about a minute of the fast part of Schubert's "Death and the Maiden." It loops.

CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Helen Landry: A friend of Julia's mother. Julia stays with her during her audition at Juilliard in NY.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Chapter 25
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 25

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 24: Brian visits Julia at Juilliard during the first semester of their freshman year. He arrives just in time to hear her play in a string quartet performance. Brian is awed by the beautiful performance. Following Julia’s part of the concert, they head back to her dorm room, where her roommate will be gone for a while, and they have sex for the first time in 10 weeks.

They talk about their respective roommates, and Brian asks if it would be possible for Julia to visit him sometime at NC State. Her school lets out a week earlier than Brian’s at semester end, and she promises to visit then.

Chapter 25

As the semester progressed, my study habits improved, and I came to enjoy the rigor of the classes. The lab section of organic chemistry was my favorite, although it was extremely challenging. I had taken organic chemistry last year in high school, but the college version was an order of magnitude in difficulty above that. The lab section was especially enjoyable to me, though, partly because the professor and I hit it off so well.

Dr. Paul Rieke was an excellent explainer and was able to make difficult concepts very understandable. He was an older gentleman with graying hair. He wore glasses and had a very pleasant demeanor. I didn’t have a class following the lab and would often hang around afterwards and help him straighten up while asking him questions. He fielded anything I asked without making me feel uptight about asking.

Daniel and I continued with our workouts in the gym, going about three times a week. We also took most of our meals together. While sitting in the cafeteria, his eyes often looked around, primarily at girls, yet he’d never been out with one since the semester began.

I asked him about this one day, near the end of the semester. “I see you eyeballing the girls around here. What’s keeping you from asking one out?”

“I am very shy with girls, Brian. I have not been out with a girl before, even at home. I have tried talking to them once or twice, but I always seem to say something silly. They make me very nervous.”

“Have you ever thought they might be nervous too? I’m sure they would be willing to put up with a clumsy attempt from a good-looking guy like you. You’ve got to start somewhere. Are you choosy?”

“Choosy?”

“You know, maybe you only want to date black girls?”

“I do not care what the color of their skin is or their nationality. No, I am not choosy.”

“Look, Julia is coming for a visit next week. Perhaps if we double date with you and a girl, it’ll be easier for you. What do you think?”

“But I am too afraid to ask any girl out. I would have to talk to her first, and she would probably turn me down.”

“When you talked to Julia through Skype that first time, you didn’t seem at all nervous about talking to her.”

“That was somehow different. I did not have to try to impress her into going on a date with me. That is when I get nervous.”

“Tell you what. I know a cute Japanese girl in this dorm who happens to be my lab partner in chemistry. How about if I set up a date for you? It can be a blind double date. Then we can prepare for it ahead of time, and I can coach you a little. What do you say?”

He thought it over, and then a smile crossed his face. He really was very handsome. “I will do it, Brian. Is she here in this cafeteria now?”

I looked around but didn’t see her. “She isn’t right now, but I’ve noticed her eating here a few times. She wears glasses, and she may be a bit nerdy, but she’s very nice. Somewhat shy like you.”

“What is this ‘nerdy’ you mention? I do not know this word.”

“It means she is a STEM student and serious about her studies.”

“Stem student? You mean she is a student of botany?”

I smiled. “STEM stands for science, technology, engineering, and math. Most nerds are into one or more of those subjects. She seems like kind of a serious type.”

“I do not mind that. Julia is very serious about music, and you have fun with her, do you not?”

“Oh, yeah. Being a nerd doesn’t mean you don’t like having fun. You might have a lot in common with her. You never know until you talk to her.”

“But what should I say to her?”

“Well, when you first meet her, tell her how nice she looks. You can ask her about what she’s studying and the things she likes to do in her spare time. She’ll probably ask you about yourself too. Just be honest; there’s no need to exaggerate or make stuff up. You’d be a great catch just the way you are.”

“’A great catch?’ You mean like a fish?”

“Exactly.”

“That is a good thing, yes? The Japanese do eat a lot of fish. Thank you, Brian. Maybe this will not be so difficult after all.”

It was the last week of the semester. Most of my finals were over, and I only had one more this week. I was anticipating good grades. I was proud of myself for knuckling down and studying hard. The pressure was off now, and I was looking forward to Julia’s visit.

As we had discussed, Julia came during that final week. She had been home for a few days and made the two-hour trip, planning to stay for two days and nights with me. Her parents hadn’t asked where she planned on staying. Most likely, they knew.

I had previously asked Daniel if it would make him feel uncomfortable if Julia slept in my bed with me. I promised we wouldn’t fool around while he was in the room, and he said he had made arrangements with another guy on our hall to sleep in his room because his roommate had already gone home for Christmas break. What a guy!

Daniel was there when she knocked on our door late that Saturday afternoon. I opened it, and we had a big hug and kiss for each other. Then I introduced them.

Daniel’s eyes lit up. “Julia, it is so good to see you in person rather than on that small screen. You are even more beautiful in person!”

Julia went in for a hug, and he put his arms around her tentatively. “It’s so good to meet you at last, Daniel. It sounds like you and Brian have become very close. That’s wonderful.”

She finally broke off the hug, to Daniel’s apparent relief, but he continued smiling at her.

Turning to me, she said, “So where can a girl get something to eat around here? I skipped lunch, and I’m starving.”

“Why don’t we all go down to dinner together? The cafeteria food here is quite good. Huge variety of stuff. I’d avoid the sushi, though. Not too fresh.”

Hand-in-hand, we walked ahead while Daniel followed behind. When we entered the cafeteria, Julia was indeed impressed by the number of international food stations, and piled her plate with small quantities of a variety of things.

Over dinner, we discussed the double-date plan. Julia was excited about it and happy for Daniel.

I had talked to the prospective date, whose name was Kimiko Yamada, after class last week, and, although hesitant at first, she eventually relented. She confessed to me that she was shy and hadn’t had many dates, and I said that was okay, and that I thought the two of them might hit it off.

The following day was the date. Julia, Daniel, and I put on nice-looking clothes. Julia was adorable in a short skirt over leggings. She also wore that beret that I loved. Daniel and I both wore sweaters and slacks rather than jeans. We would be dining at a small Italian restaurant first, then going to a movie afterwards.

Together, the three of us walked downstairs to Kimiko’s room on the second floor.

“Daniel, remember—compliment her appearance, ask about her studies, ask her about her spare time, and whatever else you came up with.”

“I will do it.”

When Kimiko opened the door, I took the lead and introduced her to Julia and Daniel, who appeared to be gaping at her. She had replaced her glasses, probably with contacts, for the date. She was petite like Julia, and she looked very cute in a skirt as well as a pretty top.

Daniel stood there, continuing to gape, and I gave him a slight nudge with my arm.

“Greetings, Kimiko. You are a foxy-looking chicken,” he said.

No one said anything, but I cringed. Kimiko looked embarrassed and didn’t reply. I groaned inwardly, and with that fine start, I suggested that we head to the restaurant now. God knows what we might be in for.

Chapter 26
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 26

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 25: Brian has become a studious college student. He especially enjoys his organic chemistry lab teacher, Dr. Rieke.

Over dinner with Daniel one day, he notices Daniel looking at girls and asks him why he’s never dated any. Daniel reveals that he has never asked a girl out because he is too shy and gets nervous. Brian offers to fix him up on a blind double date with a Japanese girl named Kimiko when Julia visits. She is Brian’s chemistry lab partner.

Brian preps Daniel for the date with tips, but when Julia visits and the big moment comes, Daniel greets Kimiko by calling her a foxy-looking chicken.

Chapter 26

Both the restaurant and the movie theater were within walking distance, so we set out together—Julia and I in front, Kimiko and Daniel in back.

Daniel said, “I understand you to be a nerdy student of stems, Kimiko.”

I looked back, and Kimiko appeared puzzled, trying to make sense of this. I decided to intervene before things got worse. “I think he meant a STEM student. Do you know what STEM refers to, Kimiko?” I glanced at Julia, who was trying to stifle a laugh.

Kimiko said, “I believe it stands for science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Yes, I guess I am a STEM student. I plan to go into medicine one day.”

Daniel said, “I see. And what do you like to do in your spare time?”

After a beat, she said, “I like to write poetry.”

“That is a very good thing.”

After that, nothing more from either of them, and we walked along in silence. Daniel had exhausted all of my conversational suggestions within the first two minutes, and I wasn’t sure if he had any of his own. This was going swimmingly.

Julia asked her, “Where is your home, Kimiko? Do you live in Japan or the US?”

“I live in Japan with my parents.”

That was it. About as good a conversationalist as Daniel. She must have been nervous because in the lab, she usually shared more than that.

“Tell them what your parents do for a living,” I said. “This is interesting.”

“My mother is a school teacher, and my father is the manager of a baseball team.”

We waited for Daniel to jump in, but nothing from him.

Julia then said, “That’s pretty cool. My dad likes baseball and took me to a game once in Winston-Salem. They have a minor league team called the Dash, which he said came from the dash between Winston and Salem.”

No response from either of them, so Julia continued, “Do you ever go to your dad’s games?” Normally not very talkative with strangers, Julia was doing well. I was proud of her.

Kimiko said, “No, not very many. I don’t really like baseball.”

“It can be kind of slow-moving sometimes,” I added. “Not like, say, basketball,” but the conversation died after that, and we walked in silence the rest of the way to the restaurant.

The girls sat next to each other, and Daniel and I sat across from them as if we were on individual dates. Julia wasn’t very hungry because she’d had another big lunch, and Kimiko was not a big eater, so they decided to split a plate of eggplant parmesan. Daniel and I both ordered veal scallopini.

After ordering, Kimiko excused herself to go to the ladies room, and Julia decided to go with her. When they left the table, I said to Daniel, “Um, probably not such a good idea to call her a foxy chicken. It’s foxy chick, by the way, but that’s something guys say to other guys about girls, not usually to their faces. I guess I should have made that clear.”

“This is not going very well, Brian. She seems very displeased with me. I told you I do not know how to talk to girls.”

“Hey, don’t give up. You can still pull this off. When you ask her something and she answers, follow it up with another question or a statement of your own. Try to keep the conversation going. If you can’t think of anything else to say, humor is always good. Try telling her a joke. Do you know any?”

“I could tell her the one you told me about the conductor of the orchestra. That is a very funny joke.”

“Uh, I don’t know about that one. I’m not sure how appropriate that would be since you don’t know her well. Besides, have you ever tried telling it before?”

“I have not.”

“That’s something you may want to practice once or twice. But again, I’d hesitate to tell that one.”

“But I cannot think of any others right now. Don’t worry. I can do it. It will be very funny.”

He had perked up at the idea, but I inwardly groaned again. The girls returned at that moment and slid into the booth.

Daniel announced, “I have a very funny joke to tell you, Kimiko,” and he began sniffing and waving his arms like a conductor. Without turning his head to the left to inquire of the first violin and looking straight at Kimiko, he mouthed, “Did you fart?”

Uncertain of what was going on, her eyes widened in alarm. Then, forgetting to change into the first violin, he began sniffing again and mouthed, “Did you fart?”

Kimiko looked horrified. Julia and I tried to stifle our laughter.

Daniel then remembered to become one of the strings—not sure which one at this point—and began sawing away. Forgetting to change back again to the conductor, he sniffed and mouthed, “Did you shit?”

Kimiko stood up, grabbed her coat, and fled from the restaurant.

We couldn’t help ourselves. Despite Kimiko’s apparent humiliation, Julia and I lost it then. We were laughing so hard at how he’d botched the joke that we were starting to attract the attention of other patrons. We finally settled down. Daniel was absolutely crushed and hung his head.

He said, “I guess she did not like that one, although both of you seemed to,” and Julia and I lost it again.

When we finally got control of ourselves, I said to him, “Yeah, I was pretty sure you should have avoided that one.”

Julia started to get up. “I’d better go find her.”

“I’ll do it,” I said, and got up to leave.

Daniel was sitting on the outside seat of the booth and stood to the side to let me out. Once outside the restaurant, I looked up and down the street, but she was nowhere in sight. I jogged to the end of the block and looked up and down the side street, but she wasn’t there either, so I returned to the restaurant and sat back down.

“I couldn’t find her.”

“I told you this would happen, Brian. I always do or say something silly. I am no good with girls.”

Julia said, “Daniel, I’m sure any girl would be lucky to know you once they really get to know you.

“But I always seem to put my foot into the horse’s mouth.”

I chuckled. “You mean your mouth.”

“I put my mouth into the horse’s mouth?”

“Forget it. Look, it’s hard at first, but it can be hard for girls too, especially the shy ones. Right, Jules?”

“That’s right, Daniel. I said some pretty foolish things the first time I talked to Brian, but he gave me another chance. You just have to keep trying. You’ve probably heard the old expression, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.’ You won’t always get it right the first time or even the second time, but eventually you will. Don’t give up.”

When Daniel failed to respond, Julia continued, “Here’s something you can do: If you ask her about herself, but she seems reluctant to talk, then tell her about yourself so she gets to know you better. Don’t be boastful; better to be modest. If she does share something with you, get her to elaborate, then mention your experience with what she says. By that time, you’re having an actual conversation. Get the idea?”

“You make it sound so easy, Julia.”

“It’s not, but it gets easier the more you try it.”

“Thank you for this very good advice.”

“You’re welcome.”

The waitress brought the food, and we chowed down. Julia ended up eating most of the dish she would have shared with Kimiko. Daniel and I finished what she didn’t.

When the meal was over, we decided to skip the movie and just head back to the dorm. When we got into the elevator, I pushed buttons for the second and third floors. “Why don’t you two go back to the room? I’m going to see if Kimiko is in hers.”

I got off at the second floor and headed to Kimiko’s room. I knocked on her door and said, “Kimiko, it’s Brian. Are you in there?”

I heard a soft voice say, “It’s open.”

I entered the room and saw her sitting on her bed. I walked over and sat down beside her. I looked at her and said, “I’m sorry that didn’t go so well. It’s mostly my fault. English isn’t his first language, and he doesn’t know a lot of idioms and expressions very well. I’ve tried to teach him some, but he hasn’t really mastered them yet. And I haven’t always told him the appropriate context to say them either. Plus, he’s very shy with girls and has no experience with them. He just doesn’t know how to talk to girls yet, but he is a terrific guy. Very smart, but naïve. And as for that joke he told, he really botched it.”

“Did he think I was passing gas?”

“No. Those questions weren’t directed at you. Do you want to see how that joke was supposed to go?”

“Alright, I guess.”

I then did the joke properly, and she laughed. “You see? A pretty good joke, right? I told him he needs to practice it before telling it again.”

“That’s good advice,” she agreed.

“He was really looking forward to tonight, and he feels badly about how it went. I just wanted to tell you that.”

“Thank you, Brian. I do feel better now. Perhaps he and I will laugh about this one day.”

“So, you may give him another chance if he tries to talk to you again?”

“I will consider it.”

“That’s great. Well, I’d better get back now.”

“Tell Julia I enjoyed meeting her.”

“I will. Good night, Kimiko.”

I left then and headed up to my room. As I approached it, I could hear the sound of a violin playing.

Author Notes Note: For those of you who may have forgotten the sniffing conductor joke, it is told in its entirety in Chapter 15.

CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Helen Landry: A friend of Julia's mother. Julia stays with her during her audition at Juilliard in NY.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Kimiko Yamada: Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm.

Chapter 27
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 27

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 26: The date continues to be a disaster. Daniel and Kimiko have a great deal of trouble conversing. At the restaurant, Brian gives Daniel more advice on how to talk to Kimiko while the girls are in the lady’s room. When they return, Daniel decides to tell the sniffing conductor joke to Kimiko, but he completely botches it, offending Kimiko in the process, who flees the restaurant in embarrassment. Brian and Julia can hardly contain their laughter at the situation, but Brian gets up to go look for Kimiko to try to smooth things over. He can’t find her and returns to the restaurant, where he finds Julia giving Daniel more advice on how to talk to a girl.

Daniel is very disheartened, and they return to the dorm. Brian visits Kimiko and explains that Daniel is shy and didn’t mean to offend her. This makes her feel better. When Brian returns to his room, he hears Julia playing her violin.

Chapter 27

I opened the door, and Daniel, with a rapt look, was sitting on his bed watching Julia play Paganini’s Caprice No. 5. Her fingers were flying over the strings as the notes poured out in an incredibly fast piece. I stood in the doorway, listening. A few kids passing in the hall heard the music and stopped to listen too. By the time she had finished, the crowd around the doorway had grown even more, and applause and whistles rang out for Julia. She smiled and bowed her head to the crowd.

Shouts of “encore, encore” followed this. I gave Julia an inquisitive look, and she nodded to me. I entered the room, and a few of the kids crowded in behind me. Julia began playing something more familiar—the classic fiddle number called “The Irish Washerwoman.” The audience loved it and began clapping along. Daniel followed suit and clapped too. His face was lit with a huge smile, and Julia was beaming.

One of the girls who’d come in began dancing a jig. When the piece was over, the crowd in the room and out in the hall roared their approval with more applause and whistles. Again, calls of “encore” and “play another one!”

As the applause started to die down, I mouthed to Julia, “One more?” and she nodded. I shouted to the crowd, “Okay, guys, one last one!”

Playing to the crowd now, she launched into “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” which everyone knew, and they clapped along to that one too. When she’d finished, she took a bow to more thunderous applause, cheering, and thanks as the crowd began to disperse. When the last person left and I was about to close the door, Kimiko suddenly appeared in the doorway. Apparently, she had joined the throng in the hallway. I ushered her in and closed the door.

“Julia, that was wonderful. You are so talented,” she said.

“Thank you, Kimiko. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

She looked at Daniel, who had risen from his bed when she entered the room. “Daniel, I want to apologize for running out of the restaurant. I—”

“I should be the one to apologize for my very rude joke, which I did not tell correctly. I am most sorry for offending you. I hope you can forgive me.”

“There is nothing to forgive. Maybe we can start over.”

“I would like that very much. You are most kind. I was feeling very miserable, and Julia helped to cheer me up with her excellent violin playing.”

He looked at Julia and said, “Thank you, Julia. I agree with Kimiko; you are most talented and also very nice.”

“Thank you, Daniel. Do you play any instruments or sing, perhaps?”

“I do not. I am unable to carry a tune in a… in a briefcase.”

I looked at Julia, smiled, and shook my head.

“My talent, if I have any at all, is more in the area of sports. I like to play football, which you call soccer, rugby, and tennis.”

“I like to play tennis too,” said Kimiko.

“That is very good. We must play sometime.”

“That would be nice.”

Both of them were smiling at each other now, and the ice appeared to be broken. Then the four of us just talked together. Julia put away her violin, and we sat on my bed. Kimiko joined Daniel, sitting on his bed. The conversation was pleasant, and everyone participated. Kimiko felt comfortable enough to share with us that most of her friends back home called her Kimi and that we could call her that too.

That seemed to fit her perfectly.

When there was finally a lull, Kimi said her last final was coming up on Monday, and she needed to study some more for it, so she had better say goodnight.

“Would you permit me to walk with you back to your room, Kimi?” asked Daniel.

“Yes, I would like that.”

We said our goodbyes, and they left together.

“That sure ended well,” said Julia after they had gone.

“Unbelievable.”

“What did you say to her when you went to her room? It must have been amazing.”

“I just told her what a great guy he really is, and how nervous he was, and how bad he felt about botching that joke. I don’t think she even realized he’d started telling the joke.”

“You mean she thought he was just waving his arms around and thinking she’d farted?”

“I guess,” and the two of us broke up again.

“Poor Kimi,” she said. “And then she thinks he's asking her if she’d shit her panties!” and we laughed some more until the tears came to our eyes.

“Oh, my God, I’m never going to let him live that down,” I said, finally getting myself under control.

“Now don’t be cruel with him.”

“No, don’t worry. He can take it. I already tease him a lot. He’s used to it.”

Pretty soon, Daniel returned. “Well?” I said when he sat down again.

“I apologized once more for insulting her, and she said I was forgiven. She was very gracious.”

“You did very well after she returned, Daniel,” said Julia. “It wasn’t so hard after all, was it?”

“The both of you helped to ease my discomfort. I am most grateful to you. Now I will take my leave and go to Dmitri’s room down the hall for the night. Thank you both again for your help tonight.”

He gathered up a few things and left us.

I saw him in the bathroom the following morning and asked him if he’d had breakfast yet. When he said he hadn’t, I asked him if he’d like to join Julia and me, and when he agreed, the three of us went down to breakfast together.

When we’d filled our trays and sat down to eat, I saw him scanning the room. He spotted Kimi dining alone at a table by a window. “Why don’t you go join her?” I suggested.

“I am starting to get nervous again. It was easier when the two of you accompanied me, but I am uneasy about going there alone.”

Julia said, “You’ll do fine. Don’t think about it. Just go say hi and ask her if she would like some company.”

He slowly headed over to her table, and we watched him as he got her attention. I saw them chat for a minute, then he turned and headed back. He picked up his tray and said, “She asked if I wanted to join her.”

I smiled and flicked my fingers in her direction, encouraging him to be off.

Chapter 28
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 28

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 27: After explaining Daniel’s awkwardness to Kimiko, he returns to his room, where he hears Julia playing the violin for Daniel. As he opens the door to enter, a number of other kids passing in the hall stop to hear Julia play, and with their encouragement, she gives a little concert with a mixture of well-known songs.

When it’s over and the kids are departing, Kimiko makes her way into the room. She had also been listening out in the hall. She and Daniel apologize to each other, and things begin to settle down between them. She stays for a while, and the four of them talk comfortably together. Kimiko asks them to call her Kimi from now on. Daniel even walks her back to her room.

The following morning, Brian, Julia, and Daniel go down to breakfast together and spy Kimi eating by herself in the cafeteria. Brian encourages Daniel to go sit with Kimi, and he does.

Chapter 28

Spring semester, 2010

Over the Christmas break, Julia and I saw each other often. Together, we attended Christmas concerts by both her parents’ respective orchestras. Things were becoming a little less stressful with her parents as we got to know each other better. I wouldn’t say her mother liked me, but she tolerated me. I don’t think she would ever get over the fact that I was an addict her daughter met in rehab, but I was always exceedingly polite to her and mainly just tried to stay out of her way. I did become quite fond of her dad, the poor hen-pecked guy, and he, Julia, and I would occasionally, in a good-natured way, gang up on her mom.

She actually did have a wry sense of humor, which she would occasionally let show, like the time I was dining with them again at their house. Following the main course, Julia, her dad, and I carried the dishes to the kitchen, leaving her mom alone at the table. In the kitchen, we all made huge ice cream sundaes with all the fixings for ourselves and prepared only a small single-scoop dish of vanilla ice cream for her mother. When we set them down in front of everyone, there was no comment from Dr. Schmidt. We began eating, and when her mother was only halfway through her single, unadorned scoop, she said with a straight face, “I’m full. Would anyone like the rest of mine?”

My study habits had improved greatly during my first semester, and they would be put to the test during this second semester. I had a 16-credit-hour load of classes, which included my final math requirement—an advanced calculus class. My second semester of organic chemistry lab was even more challenging than the first, but it was probably the most enjoyable part of the curriculum for me.

Kimi and I were lab partners again, which was great because we liked each other and were already used to each other’s strengths and weaknesses in the lab. This made it easier to assign tasks for the experiments we performed.

She and Daniel continued dating during the semester. Both of them seemed to be developing a newfound confidence in themselves, and their budding relationship proved to be one of synergism.

In the little spare time I had, I continued working out in the gym with Daniel. He and I became quite competitive, always trying to outdo each other in the number of pullups, pushups, or weights we would lift.

I entered the gym one afternoon, and he was already there, beginning to lift. I had been running a little late and decided to catch up to him by skimping on my warmup. He was doing deadlifts when I decided to join in. A deadlift is a maneuver in which you reach down by bending at the knees and waist and grasp the bar resting on the floor. You then rise up to a standing position with your arms pointing straight down, holding the bar, which has been raised only to mid-thigh. It is then lowered again to the floor.

Daniel was currently lifting 400 pounds when I joined him. “Is that all you got?” I knew he’d been as high as 440 and was probably working up to it again.

“I am taking it easy today. I have not been to the gym in four days.”

“Ah-ha. Spending a little too much time with your girlfriend now instead of working out, huh? No wonder you’re out of shape.”

“There is some truth to that.”

“Alright, watch this.” My own bar was set up to a weight of 420 pounds, which is as high as I’ve been for deadlifts.

As I squatted down and grasped my bar, I heard Daniel say, “Brian, perhaps you should—"

But that’s as far as he got before I started rising with the bar and immediately dropped it when a sudden stab of pain shot through my mid-back. Although the deadlift mostly puts stress on your hips and lower back, your entire back is involved in the effort, and if you have any weaknesses, like I had around the area of my last back surgery, the stress on the area may be overwhelming. I cried out in pain and collapsed to the floor. I think I just re-herniated the disc that was repaired. For certain my back had gone into complete spasm mode.

Daniel rushed over as I lay writhing and groaning with the pain. A couple other guys who had been working out nearby also came over and gathered around me. They offered to help me up from the floor, but I shook them off. I just needed to lay there for a while.

They soon went back to what they were doing, but Daniel squatted down beside me. “I am very sorry this has happened to you, Brian. I feel badly for not suggesting to you sooner how you might want to spend more time warming up.”

“Not your fault…. Forget that,” I gasped. “… Own stupid fault…. Christ, it hurts.” I took a few shallow breaths. “Lemme lie here for… a few minutes.” I decided right then that my lifting days were over. It would likely become too risky from now on.

I continued taking shallow breaths; anything deeper hurt like hell. In a couple of minutes, I attempted to rise, but I could immediately see I wouldn’t be able to on my own, probably not even with Daniel’s help. “Better … call the paramedics.”

“Yes, you rest. I will call 911.”

He did, and in a few minutes, two paramedics arrived and placed me on a collapsible gurney to wheel me out of there and into the ambulance.

Meanwhile, Daniel had changed out of his gym clothes, and the paramedics allowed him to ride with me to the emergency room.

I ended up getting a fluoroscopy-guided steroid injection in my spine in the area around my previous disc rupture, which has continued to cause me the greatest pain these days. It provided almost immediate relief—not complete, but certainly the spasm relaxed somewhat. They also gave me a prescription for a muscle relaxant.

The two of us returned in a taxi to our dorm. “Listen, Buddy, I want to thank you for all the help you gave me this afternoon.”

“You are most welcome. I am certain you would have done the same thing.”

“Nah, I would have let you lie there and just left.”

“Always with the jokes. I know you are telling me a ‘Big Mac.’”

“You mean a whopper. I think you do that on purpose to amuse me. It’s working. I guess I’d better call Fran and Julia and let ‘em know what happened. God, that was so stupid. I know better than to start lifting without a proper warm-up. You’d think someone with a bad back would be more careful. God, I’m an idiot.”

“You are being too hard on yourself. You deserve a break today.”

“Okay, Ronald McDonald.”

He grinned. “I will give you a chance to talk in private. I am going to see if Kimi wants to go have dinner with me in the cafeteria. I will see you later.”

I called Fran first and told her what happened. She chose not to rub it in about my laxity in the warm-up but just gave me her sympathy for what had happened. She did, however, warn me about my vulnerability and that I shouldn’t try to seek any prescriptions for opioid pain medication or attempt to buy them illegally. I should stick to the OTC stuff. I assured her that I would only do that, and I thanked her for her support.

I called Julia then to inform her of the accident.

“Oh, no!” she said. “Was the pain really bad?”

“About a 9.5.”

“Are you still in that much pain?”

“No. Daniel called the paramedics for me, who took me to the emergency room. I was able to explain my past injury and surgeries to the doctors, and they sent me for a steroid injection. They put some anesthetic in there along with the steroid, and I got almost instant relief. Brought the pain down to about a 6, practically my normal level.”

“Oh, Brian, I’m so sorry.”

“It was my own stupid fault again, like most of the pain I’ve caused myself. Daniel was freakin’ great, though. He stayed with me the whole time, except when I was seeing the doctors. He left me alone to call you and Fran while he went to dinner with Kimi.”

“Do you want me to come down?”

“Oh, that’s so sweet. I’d love to see you, but that’s not necessary. I know how hard it is for you to take time off during the semester. I’ll be alright. I just wanted to let you know about it.”

“I’m a little worried about you. I hope you aren’t thinking about—”

“No, I’m not. Fran also warned me about that. I’m good. I have no intention of getting involved with opioids again. I promise.”

“I believe you. That’s good to hear.”

“Look, I’ve gotta go now. I’m starving, and I’m going to head down to dinner, then come back and probably crash. I’ll call you again tomorrow. I love you, Jules.”

“I love you too, Babe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Chapter 29
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 29

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 28: The first semester of freshman year ends, and Brian did very well in his classes. He sees Julia often over the semester break. The second semester begins, and college life resumes.

One day, he arrives at the gym, where he sees Daniel lifting weights. Without a sufficient warmup, he begins lifting a far too high amount and immediately reinjures his back. He is incapacitated and requires paramedics to bring him to the emergency room, where they give him a steroid injection.

He feels immediate relief and returns to his room with Daniel. He talks to both Fran and Julia, letting them know what happened, and both try to warn him about starting up with Oxy again. He promises he won’t.

Note: I have changed the name of the book to:

DUEL with the DEVIL.

Chapter 29

A steroid injection typically contains anesthetic along with the steroid. I felt reasonably good the rest of that evening and the following day, but as the anesthetic portion of the injection began to wear off, the great pain slowly came back. It can take the steroid a week or so to have full effect, and in the meantime, I had to suffer with substantial pain.

You can get used to a 5- to 6-level pain, but as it gets into the 7- to 8- range, it begins to dominate all of your thoughts, especially when it is a chronic, unremitting pain. It wasn’t quite there yet, but it was getting close. I would know in about a week how the rest of this semester was likely to go. In the meantime, I would simply have to put up with it.

I tried losing myself in my studies, and it helped some. Best for this was doing difficult mathematical calculations, which required all of my concentration. I was taking a statistics course that had a lot of mathematics, as did my physics course. I had the most trouble in my one humanities elective. It was a class in early American literature, which I had been enjoying for the most part until now, but I had a difficult time getting through the reading assignments. My mind kept wandering, and without the extreme focus it takes to solve a mathematical problem, I got little out of them.

It became apparent after the week was up that the steroid injection had virtually no effect. I was very disappointed.

I began skipping meals because of the effort involved in getting to the cafeteria and back. When I did go, I tried to load up on extra fruit, like apples and bananas, that I could take back to the room with me. I also loaded up on protein bars, granola bars, and bags of nuts from a vending machine on the ground floor of the dorm. These would suffice when I wasn’t up to the effort of a trip to the cafeteria. Daniel constantly asked if he could bring me back something, and I usually declined, but on his own sometimes, he would bring me back a hamburger or tuna fish sandwich that he treated me to. He was a thoughtful guy.

I had trouble falling asleep at night and felt tired all the time. I began to cut a few classes, and my attention and focus were off in the few I forced myself to get to. This began to show up in my recent test results, and my grades were slipping.

The only pleasurable part of the day was my nightly Skype call with Julia. Just seeing her pretty face as we talked helped cheer me up. On one particularly bad day, we began our call at 6:30 as usual.

“Did you get the results back from the test you had earlier in the week yet?” she asked me.

“Yeah. Not so great. On the curve, it came out to a C-minus. It was in organic chemistry—the lecture portion. Dr. Rieke handed them back in lab today. I noticed that Kimi had aced it. As I was leaving class after lab, Dr. Rieke stopped me and asked if everything was okay, and said that he was a little surprised at some of the mistakes I’d made on the test. I didn’t want to sound like I was making excuses, so I just told him everything was fine but that other assignments had kept me especially busy lately, and I just hadn’t studied adequately for it. The inadequate study part was the truth, just not the reason for it. He said he understood and was sure I would do better on the next one.”

“I’m sorry, Brian.”

“I know. I’m not sure how much better I’ll do on the next one, though, unless things improve dramatically, but I don’t see that happening. What am I going to do, Jules? I don’t want to flunk out. I just feel so tired and sore all the time, though. Look, I hate to talk about this so much and bring you down too. Tell me about your day instead. How’s your freshman recital practice going?”

“It’s going well, but before I tell you about it, I just wanted to say that if the semester seems like a complete washout, you could drop any classes you’re failing and take them again another time. I’m sure your professors would understand. They know how good a student you are.”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t exactly have the money to take them again without getting a student loan, but I may be forced to. I just wish there were a solution to this damn pain. The steroid didn’t do shit to help it.”

“I know, and I hope you don’t resort to—”

“You don’t have to say it. I won’t. That’s not the direction I ever want to go again.”

“I believe you. Alright, the Schubert is going well, but the Smetana still sucks. God, I hate Smetana. Even his name sounds gross. Smetana. Sounds like something you’d dig out of your belly button.”

I laughed at that. It may have been the first time I’d laughed all week. She continued telling me about her classes that day, and we soon ended the call.

Her fear for me had been a real one, which I also shared. I didn’t want to start taking Oxy again, but I also didn’t want to flunk out of school. Maybe if I could stick to a rigid schedule of it for the last few months until I could get that thing implanted, I wouldn’t get hooked on it. I’m sure I couldn’t get a prescription for it with my history, though. There was only one way I’d be able to get my hands on some—a drug dealer, and there happened to be one right on my floor.

I made my decision. Yes, I had just told Julia that I wouldn’t, and at the time I’d said it, I didn’t plan to, but in thinking about it some more, I didn’t see a better alternative. I was pretty sure things weren’t going to improve until I took some action, and I ran a real risk of flunking some courses this semester. Besides, it would only be until the end of the semester until I could get that device implanted or even possibly have a second surgery if it just refused to heal properly again. I don’t know. Then I’ll just taper off it again. Easy-peasy. I’ve done it before.

The problem would be finding money to pay for the Oxy. I didn’t have a lot of spare cash lying around. I would just have to borrow some funds out of my trust that were earmarked to pay for my senior year, and I’ll worry about paying them back later. First things first, though.

The dealer was a guy named Jerry Avery, whom someone had nicknamed Scorch. I’d heard that he’d fallen asleep on his bed with a lit joint in his hand and accidentally set his sheets on fire, which burned his hand pretty badly. I headed down to his room and knocked on his door.

“It’s open,” he shouted in my ear, having come up from behind me in the hall. I guess he’d been following right behind.

“Jesus, Scorch! Scared the shit out of me.”

“What’s happening, Byron?” He loved to mess with people’s names.

“Hey, listen, do you happen to have any Oxy in your vast stores?”

He snorted. “Do I have Oxy? Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back? I’ve got some 80s right now.”

“That’ll work. Can I get about 10 from you?”

“You got $300 bucks?”

“Holy shit! Does it cost that much now? I haven’t bought any in a while.”

“Inflation, Bro. So, you got it or not?”

“Look, Scorch, I’ve only got $250 with me. I figured they’d be, like, $25 a pill. As I said, I haven’t bought it in a while.”

He considered this. “Alright, Byron, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you the 10 pills at the introductory rate of $250 as a measure of good will. I hope you’ll continue to come to me with all of your pharmaceutical needs from now on, though.”

“No worries there, Scorch. As long as they do what they’re supposed to, I’ll keep coming back. I may need ‘em for the next couple of months.”

“Music to my ears, Bro.”

He retrieved the pills from a safe he kept them in, and I handed him the money.

“See you in a week or so,” he said. “Until then—adios, adieu, arrivederci, and aloha, my good man.”

Jeez. What a character. I headed back to my room with my new stash.

Author Notes CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Helen Landry: A friend of Julia's mother. Julia stays with her during her audition at Juilliard in NY.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Kimiko Yamada (Kimi): Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm.

Jerry Avery (Scorch): Brian's resident drug dealer from whom he buys Oxy.

Chapter 30
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 30

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 29: Brian is taken to the hospital following his gym accident and given a steroid injection in his spine. Once the anesthetic portion of it wears off, he is in great pain again, waiting for the steroid portion to kick in. He is distracted from his studies and begins skipping both meals and classes due to the painful effort to get there. He also does poorly on exams, and he fears failing his courses.

Although he promises both Fran and Julia that he won’t relapse into taking Oxy, he decides to buy some illegally after he concludes the steroid injection didn’t work for him. He seeks out a drug dealer named Scorch, from whom he purchases 10 pills.

Chapter 30

An 80-milligram Oxy pill is a strong dose. Doctors usually start you at 5-10 mg, but I knew from experience that wouldn’t be enough. Using a pocket knife, I cut one of the pills into four pieces. I swallowed one piece with water from a bottle, put the remainder plus all the other whole pills into an envelope, and stuck it in the back of one of my desk drawers.

Relief started coming within 15 minutes, and within an hour, I felt much like my old self again—maybe not my old, old self—but incomparably better than I’d been feeling lately. God, what welcome relief! This dosage did a lot to ease the pain but gave me only a mild high. But I wasn’t taking it for the high, just the relief. Still, that high was kind of nice. I had to banish that kind of thinking, though!

I decided it would be a good time to catch up on my work that had been falling behind, so I pulled out my organic chemistry textbook and began reading. I got so absorbed in it, that I hardly heard him when Daniel returned from Bible study.

“Look at you, Brian. It is good to see you at your desk rather than lying down. Are you feeling better?”

“I am, actually. I think I may have turned the corner on this.”

“That is very good to hear. I have been worrying about you.”

“How was Bible study?”

“It was interesting tonight. We were discussing some of the well-known stories, such as the story of David and Goliath. Perhaps you are like David, and you have begun slaying the beast of pain.”

“I hope you’re right.” But he got me wondering if it might not be the other way around, and a different beast had just begun slaying me.

I was determined not to let that happen and decided I would limit myself to 40 mg per day. It wouldn’t be enough to control the pain for the entire day, but it would have to suffice. More than that could lead to trouble again, which I sincerely wanted to avoid. Plus, I wasn’t made of money, and they would last longer that way. I had enough to last me 20 days. I wouldn’t have to dip too far into my trust account to pay for them at that rate.

There were 12 weeks left in the semester, so three refills should get me through the end of the school year and into summer, when I can maybe get that electrical device implanted. I had a plan now; I just had to stick to it.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see the flaws in that plan I had so carefully concocted to get me through the semester. To paraphrase Robert Burns in his poem, “To a Mouse,” the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

I had not remembered or counted on three things:

1) I began developing a tolerance for Oxy much quicker than I had anticipated, such that two 20-mg pills a day would no longer adequately control my pain. To get the same effect as when I started taking it, I needed it more frequently and a stronger dose.

2) With the dosage increase came the bonus of an increased high, and, as I had learned from Raffi, this confused the issue. The high was so delightful that I could no longer tell which was the stronger motivation for taking the pills—that wonderful high or the pain reduction.

3) Oxy would occasionally be laced with extra ingredients that increased the strength of its effect.

All of these factors contributed to the series of events that followed, which came to be a prime mover towards a new direction for my life.

On Wednesday at 1:00 pm I had organic chem lab with Dr. Rieke. Oxy began to quickly lose effectiveness for me after five or six hours, and I had taken the first dose when I awoke at 8:00 that morning. I would be on my feet the entire two hours of lab and knew I would be in a lot of pain by the end, so I decided to take my next dose around noon.

This was the last pill I had, and it appeared larger than most. I don’t always cut them too evenly with the pill cutter I bought. Because I was taking it earlier than usual, and it was a larger pill than usual, the resulting high was considerably higher than the “normal” high I would get. The languorous feeling it created in me was not conducive to being very sharp in the lab.

Kimi and I were working together on an experiment. While she was busy titrating a solution, I was tasked with producing a sodium hydroxide solution to add to it in a later step. I measured out the proper amount of sodium hydroxide and the proper amount of water, but instead of pouring the sodium hydroxide slowly into the water, I poured the water slowly into the sodium hydroxide.

Doing it in this way resulted in a violent reaction, quickly forming hydrogen gas and heat. As soon as I realized what I’d done, I quickly pulled my hand away and backed up, but Kimi was oblivious to what I’d been doing. In the resultant small explosion, some of the substance splashed out onto her hand, causing her to drop the pipette she’d been holding. It subsequently fell to the floor and broke, and the hydrochloric acid it contained splashed up and burned her ankle.

I felt terrible for causing this to happen. I knew better than to mix the sodium hydroxide and the water the way I did it, and this momentary lapse resulted in burns to Kimi’s hand and ankle, while I was unharmed. Dr. Rieke came rushing over and told me to escort her to the student medical center. He also asked me to come see him later that afternoon, and I promised I would. I was not looking forward to that meeting.

“I am so sorry, Kimi. That was really dumb of me. I know I should have poured the sodium hydroxide into the water, but my mind wandered. I should have been the one to get burned, not you.”

“Don’t worry about it, Brian. Lots of people have probably made that mistake. It may not be so bad.”

I couldn’t believe how nice she was being about it. She must have been in great pain, but here she was telling me not to worry. It was just so unfair for her to suffer for my laxity.

Kimi ended up with second-degree burns on her right hand, where she had been splashed by my small explosion, as well as on her right ankle, where her own chemical splashed her. I felt sick about it and kept apologizing until she finally told me to stop.

The physician’s assistant cleaned and disinfected her burns, wrapped both with bandages, and told her to take Tylenol for the pain. Following that, I escorted her back to the dorm and apologized a final time before heading back to the chem lab to speak with Dr. Rieke.

When I got back to the lab, the class had just left, and he was alone cleaning up. “Brian, how’s Kimiko?”

“She’s going to be fine. She had second-degree burns, but they should heal quickly. There won’t be any scarring.”

“That’s good to hear. Now, I need you to tell me exactly what happened this afternoon for the safety report I have to fill out whenever an accident occurs. These reports help us decide if further safety training is needed.”

“This was totally my fault, Dr. Rieke, and I knew better than to do what I did.” I related to him the exact circumstances and didn’t try to gloss over or diminish anything. I owed him the truth, no matter how painful and embarrassing it was to admit it.

When the story of the accident was out there, he looked at me contemplatively for a few seconds before he said, “I can’t help but think there’s something going on with you, Brian. You are not a careless person, and have always struck me as very bright. I’ve enjoyed your many questions, both in class and afterwards, when you helped me in the lab. But your test and quiz scores have fallen lately, and now there’s this accident in the lab. I don’t understand it.”

I looked him right in the eye while he said this, but then I looked down and considered whether or not I should tell him. The two of us just stood there for about 10 seconds while I made up my mind.

Author Notes CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Chloe: Brian and Fran's cat.

Sandi MacReady: She is a pretty blond and Brian's crush in high school.

Derek Shafer: Brian's best friend and lawn mowing partner.

Josh Bennett: Sandi's boyfriend. He's the center on the high school basketball team.

Don Robbins: A high school acquaintance of Brian's. He is a rich kid who throws a summer rave party when his parents are away.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Alphonse: One of the boys in the youth therapy group. He is a cutup.

Henry: Another boy in the youth therapy group. He is also a cutup.

Alex: One of the girls in the youth therapy group.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Helen Landry: A friend of Julia's mother. Julia stays with her during her audition at Juilliard in NY.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Kimiko Yamada (Kimi): Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm.

Jerry Avery (Scorch): Brian's resident drug dealer from whom he buys Oxy.

Chapter 31
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 31

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 30: Brian begins taking Oxy again to control his pain. His plan is to take a controlled amount for the rest of the semester until he can have the spinal cord stimulator device implanted when school ends for the summer.

Unfortunately, he develops a tolerance for it and requires more to achieve the same effect.

He takes some right before chemistry lab, and it causes a mental lapse leading to a small explosion that burns Kimi. Dr. Rieke tells him to take Kimi to the medical center and then see him afterwards. Kimi has second-degree burns on her hand and ankle but will be okay.

Brian goes to see Dr. Rieke and recounts the events for the accident report. Dr. Rieke suspects there is something amiss with Brian and questions him about it. The chapter ends with Brian deciding what to tell him.

Chapter 31

“My best friend from childhood died three weeks ago. When I heard the news, I kind of fell apart. And on top of that, my mother called last night to tell me that she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She thinks they may have caught it early enough, but she’s not really sure. They’re planning to do radiation treatments and a course of chemo, she said.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that. I can certainly understand how both of those things, coming in swift succession like that, would cause major distractions. My condolences on the death of your friend, and my best wishes for your mother’s complete recovery. I have a little familiarity with breast cancer since my wife’s mother passed away from it a few years ago. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you, Brian.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that. I’m just really sorry about what happened today.”

“It was an accident. Try not to dwell on it. I’ll see you in lecture on Monday.”

“Okay. Thanks. See you then.”

I left and headed back to my dorm. Daniel wasn’t in the room. I was hungry, so I headed down to the cafeteria to dine by myself. I saw him and Kimi eating together but decided not to join them, for I thought Kimi could use a break from me.

I finished my meal quickly and returned to my room. The pain had begun again, and my mood of despondency meant that I could use another Oxy right about now. Since I used the last one this afternoon, I had none left. It was time for another visit to Scorch. I headed down the hall to his room and knocked on his door.

“It’s open,” came his usual reply.

I opened his door and saw him studying at his desk. He looked up and said, “Byron, my good man. Back so soon, huh? You’re burning through these things like shit through a goose. I assume that’s the reason for your visit.”

“So, what have you got for me today, Scorch? That last batch was pretty damn good.”

“I’m told this new batch is even better for the same price.”

“Gimme 10, then.”

“You got it, Bro.” He went into his safe, got out the 10, and we made our exchange. “Don’t take ‘em all at once.”

“Hey, I may be a junkie, but I’m not an idiot.”

“Some people would say they’re the same thing.”

Back in my room, Daniel wasn’t there. He would be with Kimi for a while, so I had the room to myself. As far as I could tell, he wasn’t aware of my drug-taking, and I wanted to keep it that way, so I worked on my pills when he wasn’t around. I split the whole batch of them into quarters.

Given the unfortunate events of the afternoon and the level of my pain right now, I decided to splurge this once and take two quarters. That would be it, though. I knew my tolerance for the drug was rising, and I would continue to need more for the same amount of pain relief, but it was making me careless. I would just have to suck it up and accept more pain until I could get that surgery this summer.

Not tonight, though. Starting tomorrow.

I put my earbuds in and got an Adele playlist going on my phone. I decided to study for a physics quiz the next day for a half-hour or so before the Oxy really kicked in and I would be on cloud nine.

I hadn’t gotten far when that wonderful feeling began, and I forgot about my pain. I forgot about the accident in the lab that caused Kimi’s burns. I forgot to call Julia. I forgot about everything and simply basked in that warm, mellow wave of pleasure that washed over me like a gentle ocean surf. I was so relaxed that I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes to the sound of Adele singing “Rolling in the Deep.”

“Brian,” I heard my name called from a long way off. It was a female voice, and it was calling to me plaintively. It sounded so sad. Every few seconds, I heard it again and felt a firm grasp on my hand. I stirred, and my eyes fluttered open for a moment but quickly closed again. I had briefly glimpsed an angel standing there against a bright backdrop. She was holding my hand and beckoning to me. Such a sweet voice and a gentle touch; I could have laid there in her grasp, listening to it forever.

“Brian, it’s time to wake up now,” the angel’s voice said.

My eyes fluttered open again and focused on the face of this angel, but I must have been dreaming because she looked exactly like Julia. As our eyes met, she smiled at me.

“Welcome back, my love.”

“Jules? What are you doing here?” I murmured. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital. I don’t remember the name.”

“Am I in New York? How did I get here?”

“No, you’re here in Raleigh. I came down as soon as Daniel called me. I drove through the night to get here. Brian, you OD’d last night. Daniel found you in your room having a seizure. He called 911, and they brought you here. It was a very close call, and you nearly died.”

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, and right at that moment, Fran came in the door carrying a cup of coffee. She looked at me and said, “Welcome to the world of the living, Brian.”

“Fran. You’re here too.”

“I’ve been here all night. I just stepped out to get a cup of coffee. Daniel called me last night to tell me you’d been rushed to the hospital, so I came straight away. Brian, you scared the shit out of us. When you told me about your gym accident, I was worried this might happen.”

“I’m sorry, Fran. I—”

“No, don’t worry about that right now. We’ll talk about it later, when you’re more awake. I’m going to go get the nurse and tell her you’re awake now.”

When she left, I looked around. I was in a single room, and there was an IV in my arm. My eyes settled on Julia. “You drove through the night to be here?”

“Of course I did. You were in trouble, and I was very worried about you.”

She began welling up with tears. I reached for her and pulled her down next to me on the bed. I started to well up too. We clasped hands and put our heads alongside each other’s.

“I’m so sorry, Jules. I messed up bad.” My throat began to catch. “I wasn’t… strong enough to resist it…. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.”

“Ssshh,” she whispered softly as she began rubbing my back, and I really started to bawl then. I was quaking in her arms as she continued to rub my back and repeated, “Ssshh.”

I didn’t deserve her. I was overwhelmed by the depth of my self-centered weakness and my inability to fight it. I knew I was driving a wedge between us. How much of this would she be willing to take?

“You’re not… you’re not going to want… to stay with me,” I said through my sobbing. “I’m no good for you.”

“Don’t say that. I love you. I only want you to get better.”

“But I’ll… I’ll never get better…. I’m a total screwup.”

She just held me and rocked me and let me cry it out until I finally began to calm down. Right about then, Fran arrived back at the room, accompanied by a doctor and a certified nurse’s assistant. The CNA began replacing the IV bag with a fresh one.

The doctor said, “Hello, Brian. I’m Dr. Eppig. Do you know where you are right now?” He was an older fellow with a bald head, glasses, and a salt and pepper mustache.

Julia got off the bed then and stood beside Fran, who put her arm around her.

I’d recovered enough from the breakdown to be able to answer his question. “I’m in the hospital because I had an overdose.”

“According to the tox screen, you had both oxycodone and fentanyl in your system. Your records say your roommate found you, and you were convulsing at the time.”

“I don’t remember being found. I remember taking the pill and sitting at my desk to study, but nothing after that until I woke up here in the hospital.”

“Do you know how much you took?”

“It was half of an 80 mg pill, so 40 mg.”

“Where did it come from, and have you ever taken that much before?”

“I got it from a kid I know. Yes, I’ve had that much before, but it didn’t affect me like this.”

“Well, this one was laced with fentanyl, which we are seeing a lot of these days in illegal street drugs. They are laced with fentanyl to increase the high and make a smaller dose go farther. More bang for the buck, so to speak. But street drugs are very dangerous because you don’t know exactly what’s in them, and the slightest bit too much fentanyl can lead to an overdose. Do you know what happens during an overdose, Brian?”

“Not exactly.”

“The danger lies in the fact that your breathing slows down and can even stop. Once your breathing has stopped, your heart will stop, and then that’s it. At other times, you may vomit and inhale the vomit into your lungs or choke on it. The lack of oxygen to the brain can also cause a seizure, which is what you were having when your roommate discovered you. He wisely called emergency services right away. This was a very close call, and hopefully it will be a wakeup call to you that you need help.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to go over your medical records and check in on you later today. If all of your vital signs look good, we’ll see about discharging you. Is there someone who can accompany you home?”

I pointed to Fran and Julia, and Fran said, “We’ll take him back to his dorm. We’re going to stay with him while he’s here too.”

“Alright, that’s very good. Let’s get some food in you in the meantime, and I’ll see you later this afternoon.”

I thanked him and said goodbye, then I looked at Fran, who said, “Are you with it enough to talk?”

I nodded, and she said, “Okay, let’s hear it.”

(3 more chapters until the end of Part 1. Part 2 will then begin.)

Chapter 32
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 32

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 31: Brian lies to Dr. Rieke when questioned about his poor performance lately, and Rieke accepts his explanation for now. Brian returns to his dorm and goes to see Scorch to buy more Oxy, because he is now out. Because he is in both physical and mental pain (for causing harm to come to Kimi in the lab), he takes a double dose, which becomes an overdose. He wakes up in the hospital to find Julia and Fran there. They tell him he OD’d and Daniel had found him seizing and called 911.

He and Julia have a very emotional scene in which he confesses he has lost all control and is a hopeless addict, while she does her best to comfort him. Together with Fran, the three decide he should try to get the spinal stimulator surgery immediately rather than wait until summer for it.

Dr. Eppig, the attending physician, warns Brian of the dangers of illegal drugs, especially when laced with fentanyl, and later releases him to Julia and Fran’s care.

Chapter 32

I began telling Fran and Julia about my relapse. “Jules, it was after a conversation we had almost two months ago now that I told you I was doing poorly since the accident in the gym but that I wasn’t planning to start taking Oxy again. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was heading toward a disastrous result this semester, and I was worried about flunking out. I thought maybe I could take a limited dose of Oxy—just enough to ease the pain so that I could study and salvage my classes, but getting that small taste of it again just served to whet my appetite for it.”

“So, you began increasing your dose,” she said.

I nodded. “I had originally planned to take just enough to ease my pain and get me through until the end of the semester, 12 weeks away, and I would get on the schedule to have that spinal cord stimulator device implanted as soon as I got home for summer break.”

“Where did you get the Oxy, and how did you pay for it?” asked Fran.

“I got it from a guy I know—a fellow student—and I paid for it with money from the trust.”

“Oh, Brian!” said Fran. “That money was earmarked for your education. Have you thought about what you’re going to do to replace it?”

“Not a whole lot. I figured I’d worry about that later. It’s a long time until my senior year when I might run out, but I was having a lot of pain now.”

“But it didn’t stop with ‘just enough to ease your pain,’ did it?”

“Look, I already said it didn’t!” Fran’s third degree was beginning to get on my nerves.

“Brian, I don’t mean to beat you up about it. I just want to make sure you aren’t fooling yourself about your ability to regulate it. It’s not easy to do. I’ve heard this story enough times on the job to know that once you get started again, it’s almost impossible to stop. And you just can’t trust what you buy on the street or in the dorm in your case. It’s not regulated, and all kinds of things can be mixed into it—in this case one of the most dangerous narcotics, fentanyl. You heard the doctor say it doesn’t take much to cause an OD.”

“I know, I know, Fran, but the damn stuff just kept calling to me to take more and more. I didn’t have the strength or the will to resist it. I’m an addict, but at least I know now that I can’t moderate it. I just shouldn’t take it at all.”

Julia said, “So what are you going to do until the end of the semester? It’s four weeks away, and you’ve got finals coming up in three weeks.”

“I don’t know. What do you think I should do?” When she didn’t answer right away, we both looked at Fran.

“If you ask me, I think you should schedule that surgery immediately. Don’t wait ‘til school is over. Tell the doctor the issue when you see him again this afternoon, and see if he can help you get it scheduled ASAP. It’s probably an outpatient procedure, and you may be off for only a day or so before you can return to class.”

“God, I just hope I don’t have to wait too long for it. What if it’s scheduled right during finals week?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you can work something out with your profs. I’m sure this kind of thing has happened before. Maybe if you were to stay around for a couple of weeks at the semester’s end, they may be willing to give you a makeup final before submitting your semester grades. I just don’t know.”

“Jules, what do you think?”

“I think the sooner you can get that pain under control, the better. What do you think about another stint in rehab too?”

“Well, I hope I can avoid that, but I won’t rule it out. I know I have a problem. That’s half the battle right there.”

“Maybe you could discuss this with the doctor when you see him and see what he recommends.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea too.” I looked with gratitude at Julia and Fran, the two closest people to me in the world. “What would I do without you guys?”

“You don’t have to think about that,” said Julia. “We’re all in for you, Brian, aren’t we, Fran?”

“We are. We just want what’s best for you. But you’ve got to want it for yourself too. It will be hard, but you’ll end up making life so much tougher for yourself if you don’t try your hardest to kick this thing that will eventually kill you. Afterwards, you’d no longer have to worry about it. But think of the impact that would have on Jules and me—the two people you would leave behind who love you.”

That caused a lump in my throat and brought tears to my eyes. “Thanks, guys,” I said as I reached my arms out to them, beckoning them to join me in a group hug. As I sat there in bed, they both bent down with arms extended, and we shared in an emotional embrace.

I discussed all this with Dr. Eppig later that afternoon when he came to check on me. He thought a stint in rehab or participation in a support group would be a good idea, and also said he would apprise my spine surgeon back home in Winston-Salem of the situation and urge him to schedule me as soon as possible for surgery to implant the device.

In the meantime, he would see that I got scheduled with a local practitioner to be fitted with a TENS unit which is an external electrical stimulation device, that should help tide me over until the surgery.

He also told me to throw away the Oxy I still had, and he gave me a prescription for a small amount to taper off with. He didn’t want me stopping cold turkey, as the withdrawal symptoms I would surely have after being on a high dose for two months would be extremely difficult to bear. And finals week was approaching fast.

Fran drove Julia and me back to my dorm and got me settled in there. Daniel was in the room when we got back, and I introduced him to Fran.

“It is very good to meet you, Francine. Brian has told me many good things about you,” he said shaking her hand.

“It’s great to meet you too, Daniel. I wish it could have been under better circumstances, but they are certainly better than they would have been had you not intervened the way you did. I thank you so much for saving my brother’s life.”

“He would surely have done the same for me. I just hope he will be okay now.”

I looked at him ruefully. “I guess I owe you an explanation for what happened yesterday.”

“Only if you care to share it. You do not owe me anything.”

“Still, I want you to know, and I also have a favor to ask you.”

“Anything at all I can do to help, I will. You are a very good friend.”

Before I began, Fran said she had to get back, and that between Julia and Daniel, I was in good hands now.

“Thank you so much for coming, big sis. I hate to keep putting you through this, and I promise I’ll do my best to beat this thing. I know I’ve said that before, so I guess time will tell. I’ll call you and let you know how things are going and when things get scheduled.”

“You take care, little brother, and I’ll wait to hear from you.” She hugged all of us goodbye, including Daniel, and left.

I then told Daniel the whole story of how I ended up in the hospital, even back to the time of the original car accident, which I had never really discussed with him before. Through it all, he had a sad look and gently shook his head a number of times.

When I was finished, he said, “I am very sorry to hear what you have been through, Brian. It is beyond my experience, so I do not quite know what to say. So, what is this favor you mentioned you want to ask me?”

“Believe it or not, to get off taking Oxy, you’ve got to take Oxy, but in decreasing doses. If you suddenly stop taking it completely after the amount of time I’ve been on it, it can be very tough on the body, so you have to taper off gradually. What I want to ask you is if I could give you a schedule and the pills to dole out to me? I can’t really be trusted with that quantity to take them at the prescribed amounts at the prescribed times. I’m going to need your help with that if you’re willing.”

“Of course, I will do what I can to help you. I will be sure to follow the schedule with great vigor.”

“I’m sure you will, and I thank you for that. You’re the best, man. Now, I’m starving. Anyone up for some dinner?”

(2 more chapters until the end of Part 1)

Chapter 33
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 33

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 32: Recovering in the hospital from his overdose of Oxy, Brian relates to both Julia and Fran everything that happened. Brian and Julia look to Fran for advice about what he should do for the last few weeks of the semester. Fran suggests that he get the spinal cord implant ASAP rather than wait until the summer. Dr. Eppig promises to talk to Brian’s surgeon back home in an attempt to expedite this, and Brian leaves the hospital with Fran and Julia.

Back at his dorm, Daniel is glad to see him, and Brian decides to tell him about everything. He also enlists Daniel to help dole out the taper-off dose of Oxy that Dr. Eppig had prescribed him. Fran leaves after wishing him well.

Chapter 33

Looking back on this period in my life, I can honestly say that those final four weeks of my freshman year and the coming summer months, more than any other time, set me on the clearest and straightest path to my future. You’ve already met some of the most influential people in my life, and I was about to discover one more who probably had the most effect on my ability to navigate through challenging times and also to shape my future career. You’ve met him too, but now let’s take a look at him in action.

Over the next few days, I had an appointment with a physiatrist* who fitted me with a TENS unit for temporary relief until I could have the surgery, and I also got an appointment with my spine surgeon back home in Winston-Salem for eight days from now. Dr. Eppig was instrumental in getting this expedited for me.

My spine surgeon’s office emailed me the appropriate instructions and forms to fill out for the surgery, as well as a doctor’s note to show my professors, explaining the absence. Organic chemistry lab would be one of the classes I would miss. After lab a few days later, I stopped to talk to Dr. Rieke.

When I informed him that I would have to miss class because of a scheduled surgery, he said, “Why don’t you come into my office, Brian, and we can talk about it?”

Hmm, what did he want to talk about? All I wanted to do was give him the doctor’s note. I had an uneasy feeling as he led me down the hall to his office. When we got there, he offered me a chair while he sat down behind his desk. I handed him the note, and he perused it for a few moments.

“I know it’s none of my business, but do you care to share with me what this surgery is all about?”

“I don’t mind. I’m having a spinal cord stimulator implanted to help ease a chronic pain I’ve had for a couple of years.”

He looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments before asking, “Have you been treating the pain yourself lately?”

This question took me by surprise, and I took my time answering it. I had a strong feeling he knew what I’d been up to. How he knew, I wasn’t sure, but I could detect something in his eyes that told me he might understand if I were to level with him. Besides, I was tired of lying about it and keeping it a secret, so I decided I would just tell him. He was a nice man. We got along well, and I regretted having lied to him previously.

“Last week, when I caused that accident in the lab that burned Kimiko, I wasn’t honest with you. My friend didn’t die, and my mother doesn’t have breast cancer. Both she and my father died in an auto accident when I was 12. My big sister took care of me until I was 18.”

I just decided to lay it all out there for him. I told him about my own accident when I was 16 and how I’d hurt my neck and back so badly that I’d been in chronic pain ever since. I told him about the addiction to Oxy, the rehab, the recent accident in the gym that caused the flare-up again and the relapse. I brought him right up to the events of last week and the lab accident.

“And that’s largely the reason for screwing up in the lab,” I said and stopped to consider whether to tell him the rest.

When I didn’t speak for a while he said, “I have a feeling there’s a little more to the story if you’d care to go on.”

Man, he was perceptive. Might as well finish it. “Yeah, there is.” So, I continued telling him how I OD’d that night and how Daniel had found me in the midst of a seizure and called 911. I finished by saying that Fran, Julia, and I had decided together that I should try to get the operation right away and not wait until summer.

“And are you now under a doctor’s care to give you a controlled amount of Oxy so you don’t have withdrawal symptoms?”

“Yes. You seem to know a lot about this.”

“Brian, I had an inkling of this when your test scores began dropping some time ago. Then last week after lab, I surmised that you were lying to me about it. I have some experience with this in my own family. My nephew, Peter, who I was very close to, died of an Oxy overdose just last year. It was devastating to my brother’s family and to me personally because Peter and I were just... simpatico. It was so unexpected. None of us had seen the signs indicating that he was in danger. So now, I am extra-attuned to it and determined to help out when I can. It sounds like you have a support system in your sister and girlfriend, but maybe I can also lend a hand in helping you get back on your feet.”

I was surprised by what he had just told me about his own experience with this and also by his offer of help. I felt badly for him, but why should he help me, and what could he really do?

“I’m so sorry to hear about that, Dr. Rieke. It must have been very difficult for you and your brother’s family, and believe me, I appreciate your offer of help. But I’m just a student in your class. Why would you care to go out of your way for me?”

He looked at me with a wan smile and took a moment to answer. “I appreciate your condolences, Brian, but here’s the thing. You remind me so much of Peter. You’re very bright, and I sense outstanding potential in you. Plus, I just like you. I feel awful that I never recognized how much Peter needed all of our help, and if I can help make up for that in some small way by helping you, it would mean a huge deal to me. I’d like to offer you a job this summer, working in the lab with me. I know now that the best way to avoid drugs is to have something that interests you and keeps your mind busy in an instructive and constructive way, and I think you’d get that by working in the lab. I’d keep you so busy, you wouldn’t have time to think about drugs. I think you would really enjoy the challenge too. And of course, I would pay you.”

I choked up and the tears began to flow. I hung my head and couldn’t speak for a time. When I finally gained some composure and looked up at him, I said, “When would you like me to start?”

He smiled. “Right away, as soon as you’ve had your last final. You can begin the following day, but there’s just one condition. You’ve got to attend a support group for addicts. There’s only so much I can do to help you, and I believe that a support group will help you even further to deal with your addiction.”

His kindness nearly overwhelmed me, almost causing me to break down again, but I simply nodded in agreement. I stood up and held out my hand, and he took it in a firm shake. Then I turned and left without another word.

(1 more chapter until the end of Part 1)

Author Notes * physiatrist - A medical doctor whose specialty is treating pain.

CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Julia Entwistle: One of the six members of the youth therapy group at rehab. She is 16 when we first meet her, plays the violin, and is addicted to barbiturates.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Kimiko Yamada (Kimi): Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm.

Jerry Avery (Scorch): Brian's resident drug dealer from whom he buys Oxy.

Dr. Eppig: The attending physician who treats Brian's overdose at the university hospital.

Chapter 34
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 34

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 33: Brian’s surgery for the spinal cord stimulator is scheduled for eight days hence, and in the meantime, he gets a TENS unit from a physiatrist to tide him over. The surgeon sends him a note to show his professors as to why he will miss class, and he talks to Dr. Rieke about it in his office.

Dr. Rieke is able to get Brian to open up about his troubles, and Brian shares the entire story with him. Dr. Rieke tells Brian that his own nephew, with whom he was very close, died just the previous year of an Oxy overdose, so it has made Dr. Rieke want to reach out and help Brian by offering him a summer job working with him in his lab. He also sets a condition that Brian must attend a support group for addicts. Brian is overwhelmed by his kindness and will start work in the lab and attend the support group right after his last final.

Chapter 34

Raleigh, North Carolina
Summer, 2010

The operation to insert the spinal cord stimulator, or SCS, went off as planned. The SCS sends electrical pulses into the spinal cord near the area of pain. It is believed that these pulses interfere with and prevent pain signals from reaching the brain. During the operation, a thin wire lead is threaded through an epidural needle into the space surrounding the spinal cord. Electrodes at the end of the lead wire create the pulses that stimulate the nerves and block the pain signals.

The relief it gave me was pretty good—not complete—but definitely an improvement. My pain went from its current level of 6-7 down to 2-3, which is considered mild on the pain scale. Better than a low dose of Oxy and definitely bearable.

I made my professors well-aware of the surgery, and because I would be staying and working on campus this summer, some of them allowed me to delay taking the final exam in their classes by a week. I appreciated this and used the extensions to catch up on much of the work I’d let slip during the latter part of the semester. I ended up doing well on most of my finals and was able to bring my grades back to acceptable levels.

Having gotten over their initial awkwardness with each other, Daniel and Kimi were a regular couple now. Both planned to stay in the states over the summer to work. In fact, the three of us decided to rent an apartment together off-campus for the summer and the following school year. We ended up signing a one-year lease. It was a three-bedroom apartment, and we each had our own room.

This arrangement was perfect because Julia visited me almost every weekend that summer, except for a two-week period when she attended a summer music program in Washington, D.C. The arrangement offered us some privacy.

During the times we spent together, the four of us became very close, frequently eating together, watching movies, playing games, and just talking. The normally shy Julia and Kimi were very comfortable together and laughed a lot, often at Daniel’s and my expense. Once, they put on a skit in which Julia imitated me trying to teach Daniel, played by Kimi, how to tell a joke. Kimi’s impersonation of Daniel’s formal way of speaking was hysterical.

As soon as I had taken my last final, I began working with Dr. Rieke in his lab. His research focused on using gene editing technology, which is an important tool for understanding how, for example, genes may be altered to effect a cure for a disease. I learned to use many advanced research and data collection techniques with specialized equipment to perform and document his lab experiments. Always the patient teacher, he spent a lot of his time explaining his research to me in terms I could understand. I found this work so fascinating that I now knew biochemistry would be my declared major.

We also talked about all kinds of things besides work. He enjoyed playing chess, and we would occasionally play a game together. I beat him every time, but he was interested in improving his game, and I taught him a number of techniques and strategies. He was a good sport about losing, and enjoyed the lessons.

Paul Rieke became more than just my professor and boss. He became a father figure to me—someone who understood me and who I could confide in. My own father’s life was cut short when I was 12, but I certainly welcomed the growing closeness that was developing between us in his place.

I told him about Julia and how accomplished she was on the violin. He was very interested in this because his own high school aged daughter was a musician who was thinking about pursuing music as a career.

I also told him about my roommate, Daniel, and how he and Kimiko were now dating.

One Monday at the end of June, he said to me, “Brian, my wife and I are throwing a little 4th of July party this coming weekend, and we would like to invite you and Julia, Daniel, and Kimiko over for an afternoon barbecue at my house. If you’d like to join us, it will just be some members of my extended family and the four of you. I’d like you to meet my brother and his foster son.”

“Well, that sounds great. Let me touch base with the rest of them, and I can let you know tomorrow.”

“Do you think Julia would be willing to play for us? I, for one, would love to hear her play. I’m sure my French horn-playing daughter would too.”

“I’ll ask her, but I know she would. She loves to perform for people.”

I talked to Daniel and Kimi at dinner about the invitation, and they liked the idea. I called Julia and told her about the party. “Dr. Rieke is eager to meet you, Jules. I’ve been talking you up quite a bit, and if you can come, he was also wondering if you might like to play a few violin pieces. He mentioned that his high school daughter, who plays the French horn and is considering a career in music, would be interested in meeting you. What do you think?”

“That was nice of him to invite all of us. Sure, I’d be happy to play for the group too. Maybe I could put together a patriotic medley for the occasion.”

“Thanks, Sweetie. I think we’ll all have a good time.”

It turned out to be a wonderful afternoon and evening. Julia hit it off with Rieke’s daughter, Michelle, who peppered her with questions about Juilliard.

Daniel was very excited to be there. He was a friendly guy, and when I introduced him, he said, “Greetings, Dr. and Mrs. Rieke. I am delighted to be invited to your party, and I am most happy to make your acquaintance.”

Dr. Rieke’s brother and sister-in-law were fostering an 8-year-old boy. When he heard Daniel speak, he said, “Man, you talk funny!”

Daniel smiled, kneeled down in front of the kid, and said, “I am pleased to make your acquaintance too. I am Daniel Molebatsi. What is your name?”

“Damien.”

Daniel offered his hand to shake, and they soon became fast friends.

Kimi, who was very shy around strangers, just nodded when I introduced her. To help put her at ease, Dr. Rieke said to the group, “Kimiko was one of my best students last semester, and I hope to see her again later in my third-year class.”

The food was outstanding. The Rieke’s served baby back ribs with a sweet barbecue sauce. Corn-on-the-cob, a variety of salads, and potato chips completed the meal. Because everyone was too full, we waited on dessert until after the music program.

As Julia had suggested to me, she had put together a patriotic medley of tunes that she wove together seamlessly to celebrate the 4th of July. The piece finished with a rendition of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and Sousa’s “The Stars and Stripes Forever.” She also decided to do the crowd-pleasing, “Flight of the Bumblebee,” and everyone was amazed by the speed of it.

As she was about to put her violin away, I shouted out, “How about ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia,’ Jules?”

Daniel and Kimi both chimed in, urging her to play this encore, and she consented. I had memorized the spoken part of the song in which the devil challenges Johnny to a competition to see who was the better player. I narrated the song as Julia played both the devil and Johnny’s parts. Everyone really got into it, clapping and tapping feet to the music. When it was over, I clasped Julia’s hand, and we took a bow together.

On the way back to our seats, Julia said, “I’m having such a good time, Babe. I’m finally getting an idea of how a family is supposed to operate. Families can actually have fun together. What a concept!”

I smiled and nodded. By this time, we were ready for dessert, and Mrs. Rieke had made a warm peach cobbler, which we ate with vanilla ice cream. It was fabulous.

The party continued on into the evening. There were games of badminton and cornhole that occupied many of us, and when it got dark, we sat down to watch a fireworks show put on by the town in a park across the street from the Rieke’s house.

After quite a traumatic end to the previous semester, this was exactly the kind of start to the summer I needed. It served to stand me in good stead for the rest of the summer and, for that matter, the remainder of my undergrad years as well.

(End of Part 1. Part 2 will begin on Saturday.)

Book is 72% complete

Chapter 35
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 35

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 34: Brian has the spinal cord stimulator implanted and begins to feel immediate relief from his pain. He, Daniel, and Kimi rent an apartment together for the summer and upcoming school year. Julia visits often during the summer, and the four become good friends.

Brian begins working for Dr. Rieke in his lab and attends support group sessions for addicts. He and Dr. Rieke become quite close, and Rieke invites the four friends to a 4th of July party at his house. They go and have a wonderful time. Julia plays the violin for the crowd and realizes how much fun most families can have together. Part 1 concludes with everything going well after the trauma of the overdose.

Part 2

Chapter 35

I’m going to skip over the remainder of the undergrad years and just touch on a few of the highlights. That first summer went extremely well for me. I absolutely found my calling by working in the lab with Dr. Rieke. I became totally absorbed in the research we were doing, and biochemistry became my declared major.

As part of the agreement that Dr. Rieke and I had made, I began attending a support group for addicts, where I learned a great deal about addiction from the group. Everyone’s story is different, yet also the same, and I began to appreciate how difficult overcoming an addiction was and stopped beating myself up so much about my perceived weakness. Certainly, there was a weakness there, but I also learned that some people, through no fault of their own, are genetically more prone to it. Answers to so many things were locked within the genes, and much of Dr. Rieke’s research was involved with unlocking their codes.

My four years at NC State went very well. The spinal cord stimulator was doing its job, and there were no more problems with my addiction. I graduated Magna Cum Laude and decided to go for a master’s degree in biochemistry.

Julia also flourished during these undergrad years. She became the best violinist in the undergrad program at Juilliard, perhaps even among the grad students. She adored her violin teacher, an older gentleman named Arnold Rathbun, who had once been the concert master of the Philadelphia Orchestra. I met him once, and he raved about Julia, whom he declared to be his star pupil.

Let’s jump back and take a look at the one bit of unpleasantness that occurred during our sophomore year. This involved Julia and her mother, the infamous Doktor Schmidt that we liked to call her.

Fall, 2011

I got a disconcerting call from Julia one night in mid-October of our sophomore year. She was living in an off-campus apartment now with two roommates.

“Brian, I just got off the phone with Mother, and you’re not going to believe this. This couldn’t come at a worse time for me because I’m going to be the soloist in a concerto in two weeks, and it’s the most difficult piece I’ve ever played.”

“What is it, Jules?”

“Mother just got hired by the New York Philharmonic. This was, like, her third try at auditioning with them, and she finally got in.”

“Well, good for her. She’s wanted that for a long time.”

“Yeah, well, I’m happy for her about that, but the apartment she’s planning to rent isn’t ready yet and won’t be for two more weeks. She asked if she could live with me for those two weeks. I know she’s going to drive me nuts. She’s going to start telling me how to play the piece, and I know she’ll be criticizing everything. Why can’t she get a hotel room for two weeks?”

“Maybe because living with you would be free, and hotels cost a fortune in New York.”

“I’m sure that’s it, but I just… I don’t want her here with me. She caught me by surprise when she sprang it on me, so I just said, okay. But now, I’m a wreck about it.”

“Are your roommates okay with that? It’s a pretty small place.”

“I told them about it, hoping they’d put up a fuss, but no, they said it would be fine for two weeks. They don’t know the woman like I do, though. Besides, they have their own bedroom that they share, and now I’ll have to share my one small bedroom with Mother. I wouldn’t mind if I could stand her, but you know we’re like oil and water. What am I going to do, Babe?”

“I don’t know. I guess it won’t kill you if it’s only two weeks.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve never lived with her.”

“Yeah, you’re right…. Perhaps you could set some ground rules, like maybe you’ll do all your practicing at school and she can’t come listen to you.”

“I could try, but I can predict how that will go over.”

“But you’re doing her a favor. At least she could honor your wishes, couldn’t she?”

“She’ll hit me with, ‘Julia, I’m paying for your education. The least you could do is let me see if my money is being well spent and they’re teaching you the way I think you should be taught.’ I know she’ll hold that over me.”

“I don’t know, Sweetie. That’s a tough one. Look, if it gets that bad, I’ll come up and get a hotel room, and we can stay there and let her have the apartment. We could get a cheap place; they can’t all cost a fortune.”

“You’re sweet, but I couldn’t ask you to take off from school and do that.”

“Don’t ask then. I’ll just do it.”

“Oh, I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

I was not all that surprised when I got a frantic phone call from her early one morning about a week later.

“Mother is driving me absolutely bonkers. I can’t stand it anymore. All we do is argue constantly. She insists on hearing me practice, and she just can’t keep her big mouth shut and her opinions to herself. I am so uptight; I wish I had some Seconal. I swear I’d take it.”

“Alright, I’ve heard enough. See you in a few.”

“No, Brian. You shouldn’t have to come rescue me. I should be able to handle this. I’m a big girl.”

“Yeah, but she’s a bully. I’m not going to let her badger you like that. Just leave and don’t tell her where you’re going. I’ll see you in nine hours. I mean it. Go somewhere and text me where you are.”

I ended the call without another word and got ready to leave. I would have to miss a few classes, including one of Dr. Rieke’s, and I called him to let him know about it. He told me not to worry, just go. I thanked him. Then I texted the other profs whose classes I would miss. I texted Daniel, who wasn’t there at the time, packed a few things, and left. I didn’t exactly know how long I would be gone, but I would be there for her the way she had been there for me following my overdose. That’s what you do when you love someone.

I had been texting her about the progress of my trip, and we agreed to meet at the Museum of Modern Art on W 53rd Street, about a mile from her apartment. She had been hanging out there. With some difficulty, I found a parking spot in a lot and walked to the MoMA, where I found her inside the foyer.

“Babe, I hate it that you felt compelled to come, but I’m so glad you did,” she said tearfully. I held her in my arms for a long time and let her cry it out.

We started walking to the lot where my car was parked. I suddenly noticed I was starving, so we stopped to buy some hotdogs from a hotdog cart along the way. They were really good, and what a unique flavor! We sat down on a bench at the lower end of Central Park and ate them.

The lot where I parked was about halfway between the MoMA and her apartment, so we decided to leave the car there and walk the rest of the way to her place. When we got inside the building and up to her apartment on the eighth floor, her mother was sitting in the living room, reading. She looked up, saw me with Julia, and frowned.

“Hello, Dr. Schmidt.”

No response.

“Where have you been all day, Julia? You weren’t practicing because your violin is here.”

“Mother, I needed some time to myself. I think we’re going to go to a hotel for the remaining few days of your stay, and you can stay here. I think it will be better this way.”

“Oh, you do, do you? And what if I forbid it? Maybe I don’t want you shacking up with this addict right before an important concert. You still need a ton of practice, and you’ll probably end up screwing the whole time and doing drugs together. I won’t have it.”

Julia tried to remain calm, but she could barely hold it together. “Mother, you don’t know what you’re talking about, and I’m not going to listen to any more of this. We’re heading out.”

“You’re not going anywhere if you want me to keep paying for your education! You’re not shacking up with this… with this—"

I cut her off. “Dr. Schmidt. I suggest you stop right there. We are getting Julia’s things together, and we’re leaving. You can think what you want about me, but you’re not going to stop us. Do what you want about Julia’s tuition too, but we’ll find a way for her to continue with or without your help. That’s just the way it’s going to be.”

“Oh, big talker. You can’t even remain off drugs for more than a few months, and you’re going to help her get by? Fat chance. Julia, I mean it. Once you leave with this boy, you won’t get another dime from me.”

Julia was livid now. “God Damn It, Mother! I appreciate that you’ve helped finance my education, but I am not going to let you bribe me into giving up the man I love. I would rather drop out of school. You stay here for the next few days, and then get the hell out. I don’t want to see you again! Now, I’m getting my stuff together, and WE ARE LEAVING!”

Doktor Schmidt was stunned by the vitriol with which Julia spat out those words. Julia told me later she had never before shouted at her mother like that. It was a horrifying exchange, but liberating for Julia in a way that she didn’t regret afterwards. I was proud of her for standing up to her mother. I was sad that it had come to this, but the relief we later felt after we got out of there and things calmed down was palpable.

I knew that it would be a challenge for Julia without the financial support of her mother, but she still had a relationship with her father, and perhaps most important of all, Juilliard loved her. When the situation was eventually explained to Dr. Rathbun, her teacher, he told her not to worry and that something could be worked out.

Julia and her mother were estranged after that and had nothing further to do with each other. I don’t know if that will ever change or whether someday they will be able to reconcile. What I do know, though, was that that episode gave Julia a boost of confidence in herself. Free at last from the constant badgering from her mother, she was able to forge her own way in the violin world and develop her own style of playing that serves her very well.

Chapter 36
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 36

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 35: This chapter gives a brief recap of some of the highlights of Brian and Julia’s undergrad years. Brian’s new spinal cord stimulator did a good job for his pain. He did well in his biochemistry major and graduated with high honors. Julia also did well at Juilliard, becoming the top violin student.

There was one incident in their sophomore year that was unpleasant at the time but probably served Julia well in the long run. Her mother, Doktor Schmidt, wins a job in the New York Philharmonic and moves in with Julia for two weeks while her apartment was being readied. She drives Julia nuts, constantly criticizing her preparations for a violin concerto Julia was to play. Julia calls Brian one day near the end of the stay when she can’t take it anymore, and Brian drives up to rescue her by taking her to a hotel and letting her mother stay at her apartment. Dr. Schmidt threatens to withhold Julia’s financial support if she leaves with Brian, and this is the final straw for Julia, who tells her, in essence, to shove it.

Chapter 36

Following the four years of separation during our undergrad years, Julia and I got married right after graduation in a small ceremony. Only Daniel, Kimi, Fran, and her husband, Mike Pekarsky, Julia’s two roommates, the Rieke’s, and Julia’s father were invited to attend.

Let me fill you in on a few of the highlights since then.

Julia and I moved into graduate student housing at Triangle Towers in Cleveland, Ohio. It was within easy walking distance of both Case Western Reserve University, where I was in a master’s program in biochemistry, and the Cleveland Institute of Music, where Julia was in a master’s program in violin performance. The two shared the same campus.

On the recommendation of her Juilliard teacher, Arnold Rathbun, Julia had applied and had been accepted with a full ride scholarship to CIM where her new teacher, who was an old friend of Rathbun’s, welcomed her as her student. Like Juilliard, CIM was among the elite music schools in the country.

Lucky for me, Case Western Reserve University, or CWRU (pronounced “crew”), was also a very good school, and I had gotten a hefty scholarship to study there.

Julia did splendidly at CIM. She was so good that she had been selected to be the student soloist in a violin concerto with the Cleveland Orchestra, one of the top orchestras in the nation. What an honor, and it served to gain her some prestige in the music world.

She had decided that rather than seek a permanent position in an orchestra, she wanted to be a soloist who would be a guest performer in orchestras around the country. She was that good and could make a good living doing this.

As Julia grew older and spent more time around people, she became less introverted. Although she would rarely initiate conversations with others, she could hold her own with people who engaged her. People naturally gravitated towards her because she was so positive and pleasant to be around.

She hired an agent to help arrange her bookings. They began modestly with regional orchestras, but as she became better known in the violin world, she started getting soloist jobs with increasingly larger orchestras.

On the advice of her agent, she entered and won several competitions. One such was the Indianapolis International Violin Competition, one of the most prominent ones in North America. The acclaim she gained from this led to even bigger engagements around the country. She had just begun to travel internationally as well. Julia Kendrick was on her way to becoming one of the premier violin soloists in the world.

How did her travels affect our relationship? I realized early on that her talent was such that she wouldn’t be satisfied in the violin section of just one orchestra, even if she were concert master, which she would undoubtedly be. It just wouldn’t be enough of a challenge for her. She was a born soloist, and I accepted it. Our love for each other was so strong that we were able to survive and even thrive in the times apart, which were rarely for very long—usually for no more than two weeks at a time.

I myself was heavily immersed in my studies and work, which began even in my graduate years. In addition to the scholarship money I received, I needed to work to pay for living expenses, and I was hired as a teaching assistant in the Chemistry Department at CWRU. I was rated very highly by my students for my ability to explain difficult concepts. My time with Dr. Rieke had taught me a lot about how to make the complex more understandable. Perhaps teaching would be in my future someday?

Following grad school, Julia and I moved back to North Carolina, to Charlotte, the largest city in the state. Charlotte is a major air travel hub, which made Julia’s travel plans much simpler. It is also the home of a midsize pharmaceutical company called Detry Pharmaceutical, where I got a job as a research scientist in the R&D Department.

From my early lab days working with Dr. Rieke on his experiments with gene editing technology, I had developed an intense interest in this fascinating, relatively new field in biochemistry. But I had an equally abiding passion for the fields of neurobiology and neurochemistry, which study both pain transmission and mood alteration. The hormones known as endorphins play a key role in both of these areas.

I’ve never given up the goal that Julia and I had talked about of finding a non-addictive painkiller that was able to divorce pleasure from its analgesic effect.

Unfortunately, my work at Detry was not concerned with this. I was working on a project that was doing research in the area of memory in hopes of finding a cure for senility—specifically Alzheimer’s disease. The project was heavily involved with gene therapy, which is the introduction of genetic material to an organism to replace a defective or missing gene with a healthy version of the gene.

I had a strong feeling that if I were ever to attempt to develop a non-addictive painkiller, it would require both of my areas of interest: gene therapy and neurobiology. I also had a strong feeling that I would do this on my own one day—not working for Detry or any other pharmaceutical company, but as an independent contractor.

Why? Because I wanted to experiment on myself, and I knew Detry wouldn’t allow that. I was impatient and wouldn’t want to follow well-established and, what I felt to be, ponderous protocols. I wanted to fast-track it, and I could only do that on my own.

My back was starting to hurt again, despite the continued use of the buzzer in my spine. That’s what I called it because it gave forth a constant vibration sensation, which I didn’t mind so much, but given my druthers, I’d druther not have to put up with it. Also, I didn’t know whether the analgesic effect had a specific lifespan. The pain I felt was still moderate enough, but it was slowly creeping back.

And so, I bided my time at Detry, learned as much as I could, and waited for the day when I could branch out on my own and work independently.

Charlotte, North Carolina

2016

I drove to Charlotte Airport and waited for Julia’s flight from Seattle to arrive. During her two-week absence, she performed at six concerts across four cities: Los Angeles, Oakland, San Francisco, and Seattle.

She always had luggage checked for a trip of this length, so I parked the car and waited for her in the baggage claim area.

I watched her come down the escalator armed with a carry-on bag and her violin, which never left her side. She smiled when she caught my eye, and when she came up to me, I kissed her hello and took her carry-on bag from her. It was 9:30 PM, and she looked happy but fatigued. It’s a long day of travel from the west coast.

“So, how was your concert last night in Seattle?” I asked her.

“It went well, but I’m so tired; I just want to get home and get into the hot tub and relax, then snuggle with you in bed. I can never sleep on a plane.”

“You think you might be up for a little more than just snuggling?”

“Of course, but then it will be right to sleep.”

“It’s so good to have you home, Jules. Did you have anything to eat on the plane?”

“Yeah, I’m good. After we get my bags, let’s just go straight home.”

“You got it, Sweetie.”

We lived in a house in a nice neighborhood on the south side of the city, not too close to downtown. We were both making good money and could afford a nice home. It wasn’t a large house, perhaps 2,200 square feet of living space with just two bedrooms, but it had an unfinished attic, where one day soon I planned to have at least a portion of it finished and create my laboratory.

After a long delay at baggage claim and a 20-minute drive home, it was 10:30 by the time we pulled into the garage. Julia went into the house and started running the water in the large jetted tub in our master bathroom, while I brought in her luggage. She didn’t feel like unpacking it tonight and just hopped in the tub when it was full enough. She turned the jets on and relaxed in the pulsating warm water.

I let her luxuriate in it for a while by herself, but I soon stripped down and joined her in there. This tub was one of the features we loved about our house, and it was Julia’s perfect refuge after a long day of travel. After she’d soaked for a while, we started fooling around, which led to a quick exit from the tub, a frantic drying off, and a quick hop into our king-size bed, where we completed what we’d started in the tub.

We followed this same pattern after each of her trips. We were young, had active libidos, and being tired wasn’t enough to forego this ritual of her return. I didn’t know if it would always be this way as we got older, but for now, it was a ritual we both very much looked forward to.

That night was no exception, but after one brief and intense bout of sex, she had had enough for the day, and we lay there cuddling until both of us fell asleep in each other’s arms. I missed her terribly when she was gone, but it was almost worth it for those moments when she returned.

Author Notes CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina. The story traces his life into his 30s.

Julia Kendrick: Brian's wife whom he met at rehab when they were 16. She becomes a premier violinist.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Kimiko Yamada (Kimi): Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm.

Chapter 37
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 37

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 36: This chapter moves forward to the end of their four years of college, and Brian and Julia get married and go to grad school together in Cleveland. Julia is the best violinist in the school, and Brian does well in his studies.

Julia becomes a soloist whose career advances steadily as she travels around being a guest performer, while Brian goes to work at a pharmaceutical company. He has plans of branching off soon to create his own lab and work on his dream of developing a non-addictive painkiller. He wants to experiment on himself and fast-track the development, which he wouldn’t be able to do at his present job.

Despite all the time apart, Brian and Julia remain very much in love, and treasure the times when she returns from her travels.

Chapter 37

Three years later
2019

They say timing is everything in life, and I felt the time was right to branch out on my own. As 28-year-olds, Julia and I have done very well in our careers and have managed to save a lot of money. She netted close to half a million dollars in the past year with her current schedule, and with more international invitations, this would increase. She was becoming highly sought after in the concert world.

I didn’t earn as much but still had an excellent salary. Professionally, I had learned what I needed to while working at Detry. I believed I now had the tools necessary to work independently on my own drug that would cure once and for all the ailments I had been suffering since I was 16.

Perhaps the term "cure" wasn't appropriate, as it's unlikely that the pain my weakened back felt would ever go away. Let's simply say that the medication would eliminate the pain from the injury. But, more than that, I hoped to succeed in my goal of creating a drug that was non-addicting and could just be taken like Tylenol, albeit with a much stronger analgesic effect. “That was a good plan,” as Daniel would have said.

“Jules, I’ve been thinking,” I said over breakfast one Saturday morning in the spring, while Julia was at home. “We’ve talked about this a lot, but I feel like it’s finally time for me and Detry to part ways. I’ve learned a hell of a lot working there these past three years, but I think the time has come for me to go it alone now.”

“To develop your new drug.”

“Yep. There’s just one thing, though. I won’t be making any money for a while if I devote all my time to building and working in my own lab upstairs. Are you okay with using the money we’ve saved to build the lab and to support us while I work on the new drug?”

This was a serious question, and I hoped she would give it serious thought before simply saying either yes or no. My faith in her was rewarded as she paused for a long time to frame an answer.

“Babe, I have thought about the ramifications of this project for some time now. I’ve known for years you’ve wanted to do this. I’m also convinced you have the intelligence and the technical skills to succeed. I don’t know if you will succeed, as I’m sure you don’t really know either at this point, but I’m willing for you to give it a try if you honestly think you have a decent shot at making a drug that works.”

Now I took some time to answer her. This was a serious discussion and not an occasion for joking around as we were accustomed to doing. I wanted to give her an honest assessment because it would have a profound effect on our resources, which, although significant, were not inexhaustible and would be heavily taxed.

“Jules, you don’t know how much your faith in me means. I honestly believe I have a shot at this, and I would use the money wisely. I’ve done a lot of thinking about the science, and although it will be cutting edge, I think there’s a very real possibility that I can succeed. I don’t say this on a wing and a prayer either.

“You know how I’ve stayed in touch with Paul Rieke since my undergrad years. I’ve done a lot of brainstorming with him on much of the theory behind it, and I will continue to do so. He’s been very encouraging so far and hasn’t been able to raise any true red flags. I wouldn’t be offended if you wished to talk to him first, and I don’t expect you to decide right now. I just wanted to get it out there for you to consider because you will almost 100 percent be supporting us for however long it takes to become marketable, if indeed we ever see that day. It’s a risk—some would say a huge risk. I do want to make that clear. So really, I’m leaving it up to you as to whether you’re willing to take that risk with our livelihood.”

“I am, Babe. I have confidence in your ability. I know you’ll give it your best shot and won’t be wasteful with the money. But, after all, it’s only money, and if your project fails, it fails. It won’t change anything except some numbers on paper. But if you’re successful, think of how many people it would help, not least of all you. Think of the quality of life you would help restore to all those suffering as you do or worse. Even if the risk were greater than you think at this point, I still think it would be worthwhile to take it. I don’t need any more time to consider. You have my complete support.”

I lacked the words for a reply. I simply took her hand and said, “I love you.” We smiled and looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment.

“I love you too.”

And that was the moment it began. I wrote up my resignation letter to Detry that weekend and presented it to them on Monday. I was upfront with them about the reason for quitting. Because of the contract I had signed with them when I was hired, they understood one of my reasons for going it alone. If I had convinced them of the project's efficacy and they had accepted it, they would own the drug's patent and receive most of its profits. I would most likely have gotten a big bonus, but they would be the owners of the patent.

I wasn't primarily motivated by glory or money, but I understood that these benefits would significantly increase if I were to develop the drug independently. And they promised to be substantial. I mean really substantial—in the 8-figure range. Scientists have been working on a solution to the problems with opioids for a number of years now, and my solution would make opioids obsolete as painkillers. This would likely cause a huge backlash in Big Pharma, but I wasn’t going to worry about that at this point.

I didn’t discuss with Detry my biggest reason for wanting to go it alone, however. As I’ve said before, this was my impatience at the slow pace at which new drugs have been brought to market. I wanted to fast-track this drug, not only to improve my own quality of life but to help save many other lives from the devastation and deaths that opioids cause.

Now, with Julia’s blessing, I could envision my dream of success, and I started work immediately with plans to construct my lab upstairs and to start buying equipment and supplies. The dream was turning into a reality.

Chapter 38
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 38

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 37: Brian feels he is ready to break ties with Detry Pharmaceutical and set out on his own to build his own laboratory at home and work on his new drug. He has a heart-to-heart talk with Julia about it because it will be necessary for her to support the couple while he does this, plus a lot of their savings will go to the construction of the lab. She believes in him and is willing to take the risk with him to give him this opportunity.

Brian is overwhelmed by her faith in him. He writes up his resignation letter and begins planning his new lab.

Chapter 38

April, 2020

My laboratory was up and running for several months by early April. It was fairly state-of-the-art, although the larger pieces of equipment I bought were used and available at a discount. The three biggest pieces of equipment were the gas chromatograph, the mass spectrometer, and the electron microscope, which together set me back $300,000. Reconfiguration of the unfinished attic into a working lab was another $150,000. Chemicals and supplies were about $50,000, and other miscellaneous equipment totaled another $50,000. All told, around $550,000 to set up and equip my lab. Annual expenses to run the equipment would be roughly $100,000.

We had the money to spend for all of this, and Julia never batted an eye, even though most of our savings came from her earnings. How incredibly lucky I was to have a wife who had that much faith in me to risk a large portion of our net worth in a single “bleeding edge” pharmaceutical product! I’d better not screw this up.

Before going on, perhaps I should explain what my idea was for the new drug. Not interested in the science? Skip this part and know that what I produced at first was only half the story, as shown by what happened to me when I started taking the drug.

What always intrigued me was the dentist’s complete blunting of pain when he gives you a shot of Novocain or lidocaine before drilling into a tooth. You don’t get high, but it does an excellent job of blunting the pain.

Lidocaine in pill form has been tried for back pain, but the problem is that it must go through the digestive system, where the blood picks it up and spreads it through the entire body instead of targeting just the area in pain, weakening its effect. To compensate, attempts to increase the dose cause unwanted side effects, like nausea. Bottom line is: you can get some relief for it, but not enough for severe pain.

The mechanism that lidocaine employs to blunt pain signals, though, is an intriguing one. It works by blocking the sodium channels present in nerve cells. Think of a sodium channel as a pipe through which electrical signals pass. Since pain signals travel to the brain via the electrical impulses, blocking these pipes will block the pain signals from reaching the brain, and you won’t feel the pain.

My job then was to create a drug that could be administered in pill or capsule form that would be much stronger than lidocaine that would employ a specialized delivery system to target only the areas in pain. I would be using nanoparticles, which was a cutting-edge approach at this time.

With this drug, those pesky addiction-causing endorphins shouldn’t be produced. Sodium channel blocking was a totally different method of pain control than the method used by opioids. That would mean no getting high from the drug. This was the plan, but as you know, something went wrong, and I will describe that little glitch later.

I just had my first real breakthrough with the drug, and Julia was with me at the time. I’m glad she was, but the reason for her being there was not something that we were especially happy about.

We were now in the throes of the COVID-19 pandemic, and much economic activity was shut down. That included concert performances. Thus, Julia was out of a job, and we had no idea for how long that would be. The only money coming in was royalties from her record sales as well as the little extra she was able to earn by teaching a few students via Zoom.

It also meant that she would be home with me for the foreseeable future. That was perhaps the only good thing about the pandemic.

One morning she came upstairs to watch what I was doing in the lab. Recently I had begun bombarding nerve cells extracted from rats with my current drug sample and watching them under the electron microscope to observe the mechanism of the blocking or blunting of the sodium channels.

Julia said, “It looks like your drug is finding its way to the heads of the channels in each nerve and causing them to swell and to shut off the flow of ions. They can’t seem to get through now.”

“You’re right. That’s what it looks like. There are two practices at play here: the nanoparticle portion of the drug targets the right places, and the analgesic part causes them to swell shut, kind of like when the turbinates in your nose swell when you’re congested, and you can hardly breathe through your nose. You know what, Jules? One of the things I haven’t done yet is to name this drug. Want to brainstorm some names with me? I want the name to reflect both aspects: the targeting and the blunting.”

“How about Seeknswell?” suggested Julia.

“Well, that mentions the two parts, but it’s a little amateurish-sounding. What about Dupractica? Or maybe bipractica?”

“Getting warmer.”

“I’ll try it in Greek now. ‘Di’ means two, and ‘praxis’ means practice, as opposed to ‘theoria’ which is theory. How about Dipraxis… or Dipraxa? Two practices.”

Julia said, “I kind of like that one. It has a very druggy-sounding name, but why did you switch to Greek?”

“Most pharmaceuticals use Greek words as the basis of their names. I don’t know why; it’s just sort of traditional. That’s it then: Dipraxa.”

“Is that how the drug companies name their new drugs—the way we just did?”

“Well, sure. We had a whole department of folks at Detry who did nothing all day but sit around shouting out possible drug names. How do you think they came up with Bevacizumab or Sildenafil? People just shouting shit out to see what sounds good. That second one is Viagra, by the way. I think they named Sildenafil after this horny elf in a graphic novel who goes around with a hardon all day.”

We laughed about that, but we had a name for my drug: Dipraxa.

I continued to tweak the drug for some time. Originally, it was too good at stopping the flow of pain signals. The electron microscope revealed that it cut off close to 100 percent of the flow of electrons. That was too much.

There are a very few individuals who have a condition called congenital insensitivity to pain, or CIP, who experience no pain at all. This can be a dangerous condition, though, because pain is the body’s way of signaling you that something is wrong and inspiring you to take immediate action to stop it. I thought level-1 pain would be perfectly acceptable for people who have experienced much higher degrees. Thus, my efforts were to make the drug slightly less efficient in causing the swelling of the sodium channels to occur.

The testing of Dipraxa went on for months as I continually refined it until it structurally performed the way I intended. It was hard, time-consuming work, and I often lost track of time and worked until the wee hours of the morning.

It was not a smooth process, and progress was incremental, often with two steps forward and one step back, but it steadily trended upward, and I loved it—even with the many failures. They say Thomas Edison tried a thousand different materials for lightbulb filaments before he found the right one. He didn’t see these tests as failures, but only as new information. Good attitude, Tom.

I also loved how Julia would come up from time to time to help out with the data collection and input into the analysis software. I greatly appreciated her help, plus it was just nice having her around all the time rather than out on tour at least half the year.

I was at the point now where I had seen what I needed to see with the instrumentation. It was at this time that I filed a Composition of Matter Patent with the US Patent and Trademark Office to assure the exclusive rights to my formula for at least 20 years. The big question was, did it actually relieve pain? It was now time to measure that with animal trials and side-effect assessment.

Chapter 39
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 39

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 38: Brian has created and equipped his lab at huge expense with Julia’s full support. The science behind Brian’s new drug is explained in some detail. It will work using the same mechanism as the dentist’s lidocaine, which is completely different from the way opioids work. It can target the area of pain by the use of nanoparticles, and it causes the sodium channels in nerves to swell shut, blocking the pain pathway to the brain. Brian names the drug Dipraxa for the two practices involved.

Because of Covid, Julia is no longer touring, and she helps Brian in the lab. After initial success on individual cells, he is now ready for animal trials, and he files a patent application at the same time.

Chapter 39

Before I could hope to get the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval to run clinical trials of a new drug on humans, I had to demonstrate its efficacy and safety via animal testing. It’s important to see how a new drug interacts with an entire living organism rather than just individual cells.

I used white rats for the experiments. Taking care of the rats’ physical needs, like feeding and watering, was something Julia volunteered to do. In some of the experiments, I unfortunately had to subject them to pain, but I followed well-established protocols from NC State’s Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee, who also carefully reviewed my study design.

It took surprisingly few animal trials to verify the results I had seen with my other testing methods, and I was relieved about that. No one, save maybe a psychopath, likes to torture animals. There is an ethical dilemma with animal testing, and you have to constantly keep in mind the human goal. Even so, it’s a difficult thing to have to do. Fortunately, it was a very short phase of the drug’s overall testing because the drug’s theory was sound.

Throughout the entire development process, I invited my old professor and boss, Paul Rieke, several times to my lab to view the results. It was wonderful to have a sounding board like him to review my work and to suggest further tests I could use.

Fran and her husband Mike also made numerous visits during this time. They married eight years ago and also lived in Charlotte.

When Fran first met Mike on the ship during Fran’s cruise 10 years ago, he had claimed he was a lineman for Duke Energy. This was a cover story because he was actually a Department of Homeland Security agent involved with covert ops. He eventually revealed this to Fran.

During the past 10 years, Fran had moved on from being a sheriff’s deputy and later a detective to becoming an FBI field agent who now worked out of the field office in Charlotte. What exactly she did there, she wouldn’t tell me.

Fran and Mike visited us one weekend afternoon in early September, 2021. I took Fran upstairs to the lab to show her around, and we got into a discussion about our jobs.

“So, Fran, is the FBI trying to figure out if the Covid virus was purposefully spread to this country?”

“You know, little brother, if I told you that, I’d have to kill you. I can’t tell you what the agency is working on or what I’m personally doing either. I can only comment on what the agency has made public.”

“Well, can you tell me if you, personally, aren’t working on that?”

“No, I can’t even do that. I’m bound by confidentiality not to discuss anything that isn’t publicly known, even with family members. Spouses aren’t exempt either. Mike and I don’t discuss specifics of what we’re involved in at work.”

“C’mon, really?”

“Yes.”

“How about with another FBI agent?”

“Can’t even do that unless they’re directly involved with the same mission. Confidentiality is taken very seriously there.”

“Ya think?”

She chuckled. “Why do you care so much?”

“I don’t know. You’re my sister. You know everything about what I’m working on here. I just wanted to know what you were working on. Must be a drag not being able to talk to anyone about your work.”

“In a sense, yes. It's challenging to avoid discussing it with Mike, but it's a necessity when working for the FBI. It’s pretty clear why.”

“I suppose.”

“So, how has your back pain been lately, Brian?”

“The spinal cord stimulator is still working, but as I’ve aged, the analgesic effect has diminished some. I’ve had the leads adjusted a few times, but I’d say my pain level has slowly grown from about a 2-3 when I first started using it, to a 4-5 now. That’s one of the reasons I’m trying to fast-track this drug.”

“How would you say it’s going?”

“Jules was helping me do animal testing, and we just finished up last week. It went surprisingly well.”

“So, what’s left to do?”

“Human trials.”

“How do you go about getting test subjects?”

“To be honest with you, Fran, I’m going to experiment on myself first before I submit an Investigational New Drug application, called an IND, to the FDA. Don’t you just love all these TLAs?”

“TLAs?”

“Three-letter abbreviations. But I imagine you’re used to them, working in one of the alphabet soup agencies.”

“Oh yeah.”

“So, yep, I’m going to test it on myself first.”

“Does Jules know you plan to do that?”

“Of course. I would never hide something like that from her.”

“That’s good. Is it even legal or ethical, though, to test it on yourself?”

“Yes, but there are a few caveats. You’ve got to be careful of confirmational bias when testing it on yourself. You really want the drug to work, so you’re likely to discount any data that doesn’t support your beliefs and favor results that match them. But in this case, there will be no question about whether or not it works, because I won’t consider it a success unless my pain level gets down to a 1, and that’s a hell of a big difference from my current level of 4-5.

“Another thing is that even though it’s just on me, I will still have to give informed consent as a test subject. Everything has to be done legally and aboveboard. Of course, I'll share the results with the FDA when applying for the IND, and I'll still have to conduct the rigorous schedule of testing phases required for a new drug to be approved. Phase 1 will require a test group of between 20 and 100 volunteers, and further phases go up from there.”

“Sounds pretty involved.”

“Yeah, it is. I don’t expect it to be fast-tracked the way the Covid vaccines were, though.”

“Yeah, I can see that. That’s life and death. Yours is just pain.”

“Well, yes and no. Did you know there are about 80,000 deaths a year in the US from opioid overdoses? You’ve seen it nearly happen to me twice. I was lucky both times that I didn’t become one of those fatalities.”

“That’s a good point. So, your drug will replace the need for opioids for pain management. Won’t people still be able to take them just to get high, though?”

“Yeah, if they can get their hands on them. Hopefully, they won’t be manufactured anymore after my drug is introduced. A lot of addicts begin using them because of pain, though, so if they never get started on them and become addicted, there should be fewer overdoses leading to death. If my drug had been available when I was 16, I never would have gotten involved with Oxy.”

“I’m really proud of you, little brother. This will be an amazing achievement that you accomplished virtually by yourself. I always knew you were smart.”

“Well, let’s see if it works first.”

We had talked for a good while, and there really wasn’t much to show her that was new up here, so I said, “Why don’t we go back down and see what Jules and Mike are up to?”

When we were downstairs again, I could hear bluegrass music playing. Julia was telling Mike how she had recently developed a liking for bluegrass and had begun buying a few recordings.

“Did you tell him the story of how that came about, Jules?” I asked her.

“Not yet. I wanted Fran to hear it too.”

“Now this sounds intriguing,” said Mike. “It’s a little surprising that a famous classical musician like yourself would have an interest in bluegrass music.”

“What’s so surprising?” she countered. “Music is music. If it’s pleasing to the ear and the soul, what difference does it make what kind it is?”

“But bluegrass? Isn’t that for hillbillies and hicks?” he asked.

“Maybe I’m a hillbilly at heart, but I like it.”

“Alright,” said Fran. Let’s hear the story.”

“Okay. Brian and I decided to go to The Mellow Roast coffee shop downtown a few months ago after it reopened from being shut down, and the afternoon we went, there was a bluegrass band performing outside on a little stage. This was a beautiful late spring afternoon. We were enjoying the coffee and the music and the crowd, but in the middle of the performance, the fiddle player appeared ill and had to leave suddenly. The band leader jokingly asked the crowd, ’Is there a fiddle player in the house who might want to join us?’

“People laughed, but Brian said to me, ‘Jules, I don’t think he’s really expecting anyone to come forward. Why don’t you go up there?’ So on a whim, I did. The band leader, whose name happens to be Willy Stubblefield, was surprised that he actually had a volunteer, so I picked up the fiddle that the stricken fiddler had left and started to play along with them. I didn’t know the song, but I just listened to a few bars first, got the feel for it, and just started playing. Everyone seemed to enjoy it.

“Willy asked me if I knew any songs of my own, and really, the only one that came close to bluegrass was the country song ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia.’ So, we played that one, and he knew all the words and sang along. It got big applause, so Willy asked me in front of the crowd if I’d ever played professionally before.”

I cut her off then and said, “So in typical Julia understated fashion, she says she’s made one or two CDs. Then Willy asks her, ‘So what’s your name, darlin’?’ and Jules tells him, ‘It’s Julia Kendrick.’ Now, Willy is a wise old guy, and he’d recognized her from the start, so he says, ‘Wait a minute, you’re not that classical violinist who’s a virtuoso soloist who tours the world and plays with famous orchestras, are you?’ So, tell them what you said, Jules.”

“’Uh, maybe?’ And he says, ‘Do you think you could show these good folks how a real classical violinist plays, Julia?’ So, I said, ‘Sure,’ and I started to play about two minutes worth of Mozart’s Violin Concerto No. 5. The crowd loved it and gave me a standing O when I was done. Willy gives me a hug and says, ‘Darlin, you can come play with us anytime you want,’ and I said, ‘I just may take you up on that.’

“Right up on stage there, Willy hands me his business card, and I signaled Brian to fish one out of my wallet in my purse, which I’d left with him, and he brings it up and hands it to him. The audience loves this. After that, Willy says, ‘Let’s hear it for Julia Kendrick, folks!’ and the place erupts as I wave to the crowd and go back and sit down with Brian.”

“I’ll be damned,” said Mike. “That is some story, Jules. So, you going to play in his band now?”

“You never know. They’re called ‘The Clark Creek Drifters.’ They made the CD we’re listening to.”

“Amazing,” said Fran. “Here’s this world-class soloist playing fiddle in a dinky bluegrass band.”

“And the banjo.”

“You play the banjo now too?”

“Yep, just started.”

“You two never cease to amaze me,” Fran said, looking at the two of us and shaking her head.

“Alright, ye of many talents,” said Mike. “How are your cooking skills? I’m starving here.”

We all laughed, and Jules and I headed into the kitchen together to get the meal ready.

Chapter 40
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 40

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 39: Brian performs animal testing with Dipraxa, which proves to be quite successful. Fran and Mike, who are now married, pay Brian and Julia a visit. Mike is actually a Homeland Security agent (not a utility lineman, which was a cover story), and Fran is now an FBI field agent. She and Brian discuss his new drug, and he reveals to her that he is planning to test it on himself with Julia’s full knowledge.

Julia tells them the story of how she came to enjoy bluegrass music and joined a local bluegrass band for fun. She has also been learning to play the banjo.

Chapter 40

September 2021

My human trials began by administering Dipraxa to myself. I kept meticulous notes in a daily journal, recording my experience taking it. I would have to include this in the Investigational New Drug application to the FDA.

I was able to pack the chemical—a white powder—into hard gelatin capsules with 100 mg in each. The starting dose for testing would be 200 mg per day. I didn’t expect to see any improvement for at least a week due to the nature of the targeting mechanism. In simple terms, my body had to train itself to allow delivery of the drug efficiently to the site of the pain.

I began to notice a slight improvement between weeks 1 and 2. The pain relief was gradual and stretched out over a three-week period, but by the end of that first month, I felt better than I had felt in the 13 years since the accident in 2008, when the pain began. It was not complete relief, but I considered that I had achieved my goal of level 1 pain, which is the mildest of the “mild” category.

I was ecstatic about the results because I didn’t feel ecstatic, if that makes any sense. I had all the pain relief I sought, but with none of the euphoria you get from the production of endorphins. The whole point was to divorce feelings of great pleasure from pain relief. The true goal was to achieve what Raffi called the opposite of pain, which was no pain, and that’s what I believe I had accomplished.

I just felt normal again. We all have minor aches and pains from time to time, and what I felt in my back now was just a minor, hardly noticeable pain. Would this last? Would I develop side effects that would preclude its use? I didn’t know yet, and that’s what testing over the next few months would be all about.

The initial dose of 200 mg per day was quite satisfactory, so I held off varying that for now. I monitored my pulse, blood pressure, and temperature every hour, weighed myself daily, kept track of my hours of sleep, and recorded all this information in a spreadsheet.

I said to Julia one day, “Have you noticed anything different about me since I’ve been taking the drug?”

“Well, there is one thing. You do seem a lot hornier. I’m not complaining, mind you, but do you realize we’ve made love every day this last week? That’s quite a bit higher than our previous frequency. It’s probably because you’re in less pain and feel better.”

“Hmm. That sort of raises the chicken or egg type question. Do I feel better because we’re having more sex, or are we having more sex because I feel better?”

“Seems like the only way to test that is to quit having sex and see if you still feel better.”

“Well, that’s a bummer, but I think you’re probably right. Okay, no more sex for at least a week,” I said.

“Hey, speak for yourself. Just because you stop doesn’t mean I have to.”

“What are you going to do? Go find a lover to take my place?”

“How do you know I don’t already have one?”

“I guess I don’t. Is he any good?”

“What makes you think it’s a he?”

“Well, you’ve got me there. Is she any good then?”

“Mm, not as good as you.”

“Maybe I could show her a few things.”

“Ooo, a menage a trois, huh? Sounds kinky.”

As fun as that exchange with Julia was, she had made a fair point, and I decided to hold off having sex for a week. I’m pleased to report that my back still felt great after the week was over.

Most businesses had reopened by now as the pandemic was winding down. Julia also began preparing to go on tour again. In fact, because she had been off for so long, she was planning a two-month tour of 20 cities, both national and international. She had missed it, and the music world had missed her. She would be leaving right after the new year.

During the final week of the year, we threw a combined Christmas, New Year, and going-away party. We invited Fran and Mike and also Willy Stubblefield and his wife Shannon. Julia had begun practicing with The Clark Creek Drifters, who had welcomed her into the band, and she’d become quite friendly with Willy, who played guitar and was the lead singer, and Shannon, who played the drums. Julia played both fiddle and sometimes banjo along with the other regular banjo player, who was teaching her to play. Willy had brought his guitar to the party, planning on playing a few numbers with Julia.

The highlight was one they had practiced together called “Dueling Jingle Bells,” which was a takeoff on “Dueling Banjos” made popular by the movie Deliverance. It was very amusing. In the short time Julia had been learning the banjo, she had progressed well and could hold her own in the “duel” with Willy.

Of course, everyone wanted to hear and play “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” so Julia brought out her fiddle for that. Shannon Stubblefield had a pair of drumsticks out in her pickup truck and got those, while I found some pots and pans for her to use as drums to beat on. I did the vocals, and Fran and Mike just sat back and clapped their hands to the music.

Following that, Julia played a violin solo for us—the always popular Eine Kleine Nachtmusik first movement by Mozart. Then she finished out the program with a medley of Christmas carols she had put together.

It was a fun evening but ended on a sad note. Fran and Mike announced that they were both leaving on missions in a few days but could tell us neither where they were going nor for how long. And, of course, Julia was leaving for a two-month tour in three days’ time. I would be on my own for a while without my favorite people. Perhaps that was for the best, though, because it would afford me the time to fully concentrate on the last bit of testing on myself.

I still needed to test different doses of the drug, something I’d put off doing but could no longer wait on. I had found that the dosage regimen mattered little—two capsules per day taken at any time, together or singly. I had no desire to mess with the quantity because the results I desired were already achieved with 200 mg per day. Why mess with success? But I knew I probably should.

Fran and Mike had left on their respective missions, and we’d finally reached the day Julia was to leave on her tour. She would be flying on an early morning flight to St. Louis, so we arose at 4:00 AM to get ready. This was very early for me, so I stumbled through my regular routine upon waking. Following a quick breakfast, we packed all of Julia’s luggage into our SUV and headed to the airport.

I pulled up to the curbside check in area, and we said goodbye in the car. “I’ve gotten so used to having you around, that your not being here is going to feel strange now, Sweetie,” I said to her.

“I know, Babe. Now that it comes right down to it, I’m a little hesitant to go. I love my career, but I’ve loved being at home with you too. And even joining that bluegrass band has been really fun for me. Kinda makes me wonder how much longer I’m going to want to keep touring.”

“Maybe two months apart this time will give you some perspective. Who knows? This will be the longest we’ve ever been apart since our undergrad years. Far longer than any tour you’ve been on before. I’m going to take advantage of this time apart and put a real push on my work. By the time you return, I hope to have completed all testing and have my application in to the FDA for the Phase 1 trials to begin.”

“I know you’ll do a thorough job and get a lot done.” She paused, and surprisingly, tears began to flow down her face.

Seeing her like that made my throat tighten. “What is it?”

“I don’t know. All of a sudden, I’m having trouble with this. It’s a feeling I’ve never really had before on leaving. It just seems like… I don’t know, something is going to change this time. It’s not a good feeling.”

I pulled her closer and kissed her. “It’ll be fine. We’ll both be so busy; the time will fly by. Besides, we’ve got our laptops and Skype, so we’ll see each other often.”

“I know you’re right. I’m just being silly. Okay, I guess it’s time to go. I love you so much.”

I wiped a tear from her eye. “I love you so much. Call me when you get there and get settled in your hotel room.”

“I will.”

We kissed then—a soft, sweet kiss—then we exited the car and got her checked in. One final kiss, and she was off.

Author Notes

CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina. The story traces his life into his 30s.

Julia Kendrick: Brian's wife whom he met at rehab when they were 16. She becomes a premier violinist.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Kimiko Yamada (Kimi): Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm.

Willy Stubblefield: The leader of the Clark Creek Drifters bluegrass band that Julia joins.

Shannon Stubblefield: Willy's wife and the drummer of the Clark Creek Drifters.

Chapter 41
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 41

By Jim Wile

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Recap of Chapter 40: Brian begins testing Dipraxa on himself with good success at a 200 mg per day dosage. He has reduced his pain to the desired level 1, and he feels great. He monitors his vital signs regularly and keeps track of this data for his eventual application to the FDA to proceed with human trials.

With activity returning to normal after Covid, Julia plans a two-month tour to resurrect her career. Fran and Mike are also being sent on missions. Brian and Julia decide to hold a combined holiday/farewell party at the end of the year and invite Fran and Mike and the Stubblefields. Part of the party is a musical program.

Several days later, Fran and Mike have gone, and Brian takes Julia to the airport to begin her tour. He will be left alone to complete his testing and write his application to the FDA. Julia has sudden misgivings about leaving and feels something is different this time.

Chapter 41

January 2022

We’re nearly back to the present in the telling, and by the middle of this chapter, we will be. Then come the events in the Prologue with the full context established. You may recall what it was like for me, but I didn’t give you the whole story the first time around, in particular what caused it. This time, I’ll reveal a few things I didn’t tell you about that final day of my binge.

When I got back from dropping Julia off, I decided to catch a few more winks. It was still early in the morning, and I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep.

I woke up a few hours later and went through my usual morning routine. While I scrambled some eggs to make myself an egg sandwich, I felt a warm glow start to come over me. This was unexpected because, normally, I felt deflated on the days Julia left on tour. But as I finished up with the eggs and started putting together the sandwich, there was no denying that I felt great. I didn’t even feel the level-1 pain that I’d gotten quite used to. I’d also had a slightly stiff neck from sleeping funny a couple nights ago, but that pain was totally gone now too. I was 100% pain-free for the first time in 13 years! I felt more than great. I felt fantastic!

Something didn’t compute. What could account for this? As I ate my mundane little egg sandwich, which seemed like a feast because it was indescribably delicious, it occurred to me that I had just inadvertently begun my dose testing of Dipraxa.

I remembered then that when I first got up with Julia at 4:00 AM to take her to the airport, I did my usual morning routine, which included taking two Dipraxa capsules. But I did the same routine when I awoke from my nap three hours later. I forgot I’d already taken the day’s dose of Dipraxa and took it again.

Well, I’d made it a goal to start varying the dose. I had planned on taking it up much more gradually than doubling it the first time, but what the hell? There we were, and it was wonderful!

But it was also terrible because Dipraxa made me high. Very high. Extremely high, as the full effect continued to increase while I sat there eating the last few morsels of my utterly sumptuous egg sandwich.

I should have felt depressed then because I’d failed. Well, not totally perhaps, because it worked just as intended at 200 mg. But at 400 mg, and probably beginning somewhere between the two doses, the euphoria began. That was not good. That’s what opioids do. At lower levels, they manage pain pretty well, but as you take more and more, not only does the pain decrease, but the euphoria increases. And then you get addicted because it feels so damn good.

Yep, I should have been totally bummed, but I wasn’t. So far, I’ve used the words great, fantastic, and wonderful to describe the growing feeling inside me. Let’s see; how else could I describe it? How about amazing? Awesome? Glorious? Even prodigious?

Perhaps even orgasmic? Mm, maybe not quite that, but close. Yes, I really should have been bummed, but how could I be bummed when it felt so utterly.....splendorous! ...............................

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.....That was a good word........for it...............
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............ I was on cloud 9.........................
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................O h, f u c k m e !............
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.....N o t c l o u d 9.....

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...c l o u d 9 9 !........
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I spent the rest of the morning sitting right there at the breakfast table, not moving, just sitting and letting my mind wander at will. Much of the time, though, I think it just stood still, not thinking about anything. I’d been simply luxuriating in the incredible feeling that enveloped me.

Two months later: The Present

March 2022

I wake up this morning feeling good. I feel good every morning when I wake up. Have since I began taking Dipraxa. I get out of bed, wade through the mess of dirty clothes I’ve left everywhere, and make my way to the bathroom. After relieving myself, I look in the mirror.

I feel pain-free now, which is better than I’ve felt in years since the chronic pain I suffered has been vanquished.

Julia has been gone for two months now. God, I miss her. She’ll be home in a couple of days, and I’ve got to get this place cleaned up before she arrives. No worries. I’ll do it tomorrow.

I open the fridge, but there’s almost nothing left in there that is edible. I pull out a bottle of flat Coke and drain the last few ounces. From the meat drawer, I remove and open a dented pack containing a couple pieces of greenish-looking bologna. I close up the pack and put it back in the drawer. All that’s left are a few limp carrots in the vegetable drawer, so I pull one out and begin munching.

I’ve pretty much quit eating because I never feel hungry. I no longer leave the house to buy groceries or for any other reason.

Not only has Julia been gone, but so have Fran and Mike, who I’ve neither seen nor heard from since they both left on missions right about the same time Julia left on tour.

Aside from missing Julia, I don’t feel particularly bad about anything else. As I said, I feel good. Nothing special, just a comfortable feeling. But that will soon change as I reach for the bottle of Dipraxa and take five. In about 10 minutes, I will be on cloud 99 again, feeling the most intense pleasure you can possibly imagine—a greater high than the most potent narcotic can ever give you.

Tomorrow morning, there won’t be any more to take, and I’ll have to get busy cleaning up the house before Julia returns. I know I will eventually explain to her about the failure of Dipraxa, including my failure to do anything about it, if indeed there’s anything to be done. But I don’t want to shock her and gross her out with the poor condition of the house and myself.

I will have to shower and shave, get a haircut, go to the grocery store to replenish the refrigerator, do a ton of laundry, and maybe even mow the lawn, which is starting to get very shaggy-looking.

You may be wondering how Julia hasn’t yet noticed my scraggly appearance during our Skype calls. That’s because I purposely turned off the camera and told her it had broken, and I had just been too busy to have it repaired or buy a new one. We’ve been Skyping but with her unable to see me. I’ve also made sure to always Skype during a time when I’m not under such a heavy influence from the Dipraxa—usually when it’s about time for the next dose.

I’ve been hiding the problem from her because I didn’t want to worry her. She had been unable to work for over a year due to COVID and had been looking forward to getting back to it. The last thing she needed was to hear that her husband had fallen off the wagon, because I knew she would have canceled the rest of her tour and hurried home.

I know this has to end. Tomorrow I’ll be busy, so today, I might as well enjoy the final day of my binge, but as I sit in the family room amid the mess, enjoying the marvelous feeling that’s now beginning to engulf me, I hear the front door open, and Julia walks in—two days early.

Chapter 42
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 42

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 41: Brian accidentally takes a second full dose of Dipraxa when he returns from dropping Julia off at the airport to begin her two-month tour. It makes him extremely high—higher than he’s ever been before. He should be depressed because his drug has failed by doing exactly what he was trying to avoid, but he loves the high so much that for two months he does almost nothing except figure out how to maximize it. The house and his person fall into complete disarray. He vows to clean the house and himself up tomorrow, before Julia returns the following day.

He had enough foresight to realize he couldn’t continue on this way, so he destroys all the raw materials necessary to make any more Dipraxa. When the current supply runs out tonight, he will be done with it, although he doesn’t know how to proceed from there. While enjoying his last day of binging, Julia returns home two days early.

Chapter 42

Julia

A few days ago

I’ve sensed for some time now that all is not right with Brian. I wish I could see his face because then I would know. I can read him like a book. But he claims his laptop’s camera is no longer working and that he hasn’t had the time to replace it, so I haven’t seen him in over a month of Skyping.

It’s just that his speech affect seems so different lately. Too much kidding around. We’ve always enjoyed a bit of clever repartee and verbal sparring, but recently, that’s about all it’s been. Plus, he seems to avoid talking about his work, which he has always shared with me. Not that I understand everything. He explains things so clearly, and I think he would make a great teacher someday if he ever decides to do that, but the subject matter is so complex that a lot of it just goes over my head. Lately, though, he hasn’t been talking about it at all, and that concerns me.

He’s supposed to be concluding his individual testing on himself and writing up his application to the FDA to begin Phase 1 human trials, but he doesn’t say anything about it. The few times I’ve asked him how the testing is going, he gives me some noncommittal, joking response about not getting along very well with the test subject, who is such a wiseass. He just seems to want to change the subject whenever I ask him about it.

I have one more concert before the tour is over, but I’m concerned enough that I decide I’m going to cancel it and just head home now. I’m going to surprise him and Uber home from the airport rather than call him to pick me up.

Today

My Uber driver is nice enough to help me bring my luggage to the front door. I’ll give him a generous tip. I use my keys to unlock the front door, but find it isn’t necessary because it’s unlocked. We never leave the door unlocked. I open the door and head inside, leaving my luggage sitting out on the front porch. I make my way into the family room, where I see Brian sitting on the sofa. At least I think it’s him.

His appearance is shocking, as is the condition of the place. It smells like something died in here. I’m frozen in place.

“Hi, Jules. You’re home early.”

He remains slouched there as I walk over to greet him. He makes no effort to rise, but remains where he is with a glazed look on his face and a little half-smile. He looks as skinny as a rail, and his clothes are a mess. His hair hasn’t seen a brush in ages, and his body odor is terrible. He has a thick beard now. I barely recognize him. It’s no wonder his “camera is broken.” He didn’t want me seeing him like this. That was over a month ago, so apparently, he’s been like this for a long time.

“What’s going on here?” I ask him.

“Not a lot. I’m really glad you’re home, Jules. I’ve missed you terribly.”

“Brian, are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“I’m perfect, Jules. Couldn’t be better, and that’s a fact. You can take that to the bank and smoke it.”

“Brian, are you high?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Why?”

“Why not? You wanna get high too?”

“Brian, I’m serious. Why are you high, and what are you high on?”

“I’m high on Dipraxa, Jules. I’ve invented the most incredible narcotic anyone has ever seen. It’s much better than Oxy. Oxy is a moron compared to Dipraxa. Get it? Oxymoron?”

It didn’t quite fit with what is meant by an oxymoron, but I wasn’t about to get into a verbal joust about something so ridiculous in the face of what I’m confronted with now. Something has gone terribly wrong, and he’s been keeping it from me. This hurts me, but my immediate concern is for him.

I sit down next to him and take his hand. It’s an effort because he really smells bad and is filthy, but I do it anyway. “Babe, can you please tell me what’s going on and what’s happened to you?”

“Oh, not right now, Sweetie. I will in about four hours, but not right now. I was going to quit tonight, but I guess I’ve had my last dose already. Why don’t you flush the rest in that bottle over there down the toilet? I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. That’s the last of it. It was going to run out tonight.”

“Okay, I will. Should I just leave you alone for four hours?”

“Maybe that would be best. Why don’t you unpack your stuff but don’t clean anything up? I was planning to do that. I just didn’t expect you home early.”

“And then you’ll tell me everything that’s been going on?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Are you going to stay right here?”

“Yep, right here. Probably won’t move from the couch.”

“Okay. See you again in four hours.”

This has been the longest four hours of my life, waiting to talk to him again and find out what the hell has happened. He says Dipraxa caused this? His new painkiller drug that seemed to hold such promise before I left to go on tour? And now he says it’s the greatest narcotic ever made? What could have gone wrong, and what will happen to him when he comes down from that high?

I’m really worried now. There’s no way this can end well. Apparently, his new drug has failed spectacularly and turned into a super-opioid, which is precisely the problem he was trying to solve all along. I feel so badly for him.

Perhaps I should feel anger that he has squandered our money, and he appears to have done nothing to fix this problem that he created after it had been going so well. Maybe my mother has always been right about him—that he’s nothing more than an addict, that he’ll never amount to anything, and that he’ll lead me down the same road to perdition.

But I don’t seriously believe that. I know him too well. Also, I’ve been intimately involved with this project since the beginning, and I know he’s close to a solution. He’s had a setback, and he’s been caught by that demon inside of him that is his addiction. Is that demon just too strong for him?
I don’t know, but Johnny seemed able to outfiddle the devil when it came down to Georgia, so maybe Brian will too when it’s all said and done.

Enough of this devil! I’ve got to help him beat it. Again. And I’ll help him again and then again—however many times it takes—because I love him, and we’re stronger than this devil. He may be winning the battle for Brian’s soul right now, but he hasn’t reckoned with me yet. We will beat him once and for all, because together, as Johnny would say, “we’re the best there’s ever been!”

And you can take that to the bank and smoke it!

Chapter 43
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 43

By Jim Wile

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Recap of Chapter 42: This chapter is from Julia’s point of view. It begins several days before the present action. She relates how suspicious she is that all is not well with Brian from her recent Skype calls with him. She can’t see him because he claims his camera is not working, and he refuses to discuss his work with any degree of seriousness.

The scene then switches to her returning home two days early after she decides to cancel her last performance. She finds Brian high, and both he and the house are in shambles. She asks him to explain, but he tells her he was planning to end the binge this evening and asks her to dump the remainder of his pills so that he will end it now. He also says he will explain everything in four hours when he has come down from his high.

She waits the four hours, all the time wondering what went wrong. She wonders if her mother has been right about Brian all along, but quickly dismisses the idea and vows to help him figure it out.

Chapter 43

Back to Brian

Julia comes downstairs again after four hours. It’s around 4:00 PM now. I’m still sitting on the couch, thinking how best to explain all of this to her. The high has largely worn off, and it’s time for the next dose of five capsules, but I had asked her to throw the remainder down the toilet for me. It was almost like Bilbo giving up his ring of power and letting it pass to Frodo. He needed a little help from Gandalf, just as I did.

She sits down beside me, takes my hand, but doesn’t say anything. She’s waiting for me to start. “Did you flush them, Jules?”

“Brian, when I left on tour, Dipraxa was working perfectly to cure your pain and not make you high. So, what turned it into a potent narcotic?”

“I guess the same thing that turned Oxy into a potent narcotic. Taking more of it.”

“Okay. You’ve explained before that part of human testing was to test higher doses for their side effects. So, is that what you did to cause the problem?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t plan on doubling the dose right away. That was an accident that happened on the day you left to go on tour.”

“How did it happen?”

“I took my usual dose of 200 mg when I woke up early with you. When I got back from the airport, I went back to sleep for a few hours, and when I woke up, by habit, I took them again, forgetting that I’d taken them three hours earlier. Within 10 minutes, I was just like I was when you came back four hours ago.”

“Oh, God. That must have shocked and devastated you that it was doing exactly what you’d designed it not to.”

“It shocked me, yes, but I can’t honestly say I felt devastated, at least then. It just felt so damn good. Jules, it was the most intense high I’d ever felt, and I loved it. It’s hard to imagine, I know, unless you experience it yourself. I guess I was too weak of a person to fight it. I didn’t want to fight it. I wanted it to never stop.”

“But you have fought it. You wanted me to flush the rest of them. You won’t make any more now, will you?”

“No. I was smart enough to predict how the rest of my life would go if I continued to make it, so I got rid of all the raw materials. I probably dumped $10,000 worth, because I know I would have just made more Dipraxa if I hadn’t. I realized that continuing to make it would not have led to a good life. I would have driven you away. Maybe I already have, and you just don’t know it yet.”

“I’m not quitting on you that easily, Babe. We’ve got an awfully long way to go before that point.”

“Jules, you’re too good to be true. You really don’t deserve a pathetic loser like me. Your mother was right about me. I’m a hopeless addict who will just drag you down.”

“Brian, please don’t ever say that again. She was dead wrong about you. In the 15 years we’ve been together, only one time before now did you ever get high from drugs, and that was after that gym accident when you were in great pain. This was an accident too. Neither time did you start out to intentionally abuse drugs. You’re too hard on yourself. You may feel like you’ve met your match and have lost, but I know better. You can fight this demon. You just need… what do you call those chemicals in the body that act as catalysts?”

“Enzymes?”

“Let me be an enzyme for you, Babe. Let me help you beat this thing. I don’t think it has a chance if we work on it together. We just need to get you straight again so you can continue your work because you’ve come so close to finding a solution to the problem with painkillers. I know that you will.”

She was so sincere and seemed so confident, but I don’t know how she could have been. I was starting to sink now. God, I needed the Dipraxa that I’d had her flush away. If she only knew of the turmoil in my mind right now as I craved that fix, she wouldn’t be so damn confident of my chances.

Three days later

As much as I insisted I do it all myself because I’d made the mess, Julia helped me clean the place up. I also cleaned myself up. I took a long shower and washed away the accumulation of grime. I couldn’t remember when I had previously showered.

I shaved off all the facial hair and got a haircut. She went with me to the grocery store, but she picked out all the food. I had no appetite. I ended up just pushing the shopping cart for her. After a while, she quit asking what I wanted to buy and just bought our usual items. We even stopped for an ice cream cone, but I didn’t order anything. I think that was a first, because normally, I love ice cream.

The three days of putting order back into our lives have finally ended, but a steady depression now permeates me. Plus, I’m in pain again. Without Dipraxa, my pain has increased to the level it was before I started experimenting on myself. Aside from this growing depression, there don’t seem to be any withdrawal symptoms such as those you might experience by going cold turkey with, say, Oxy. It’s hard to know, though, whether the depression is due to quitting Dipraxa or because of the failure of my mission. Dipraxa doesn’t seem to be physically addicting, but oh, boy is it psychologically addicting. I guess it resembles weed more in this way than opioids, which affect you both physically and mentally.

Whatever the cause of the depression I’m feeling now, be it the withdrawal from Dipraxa, my personal failure, the resumption of the pain, or all of the above, it’s beginning to overwhelm me. Our house may be back in order, but my mind is anything but. I can’t fall asleep at night. I can’t eat. As much as I missed Julia when she was gone, I have zero sexual desire for her now.

I experience bouts of anxiety in addition to these feelings of depression, and during those times, I feel a rush of adrenaline coursing through me. Although I’m eating very little, I feel like I have to empty my bowels constantly. I gag, too, for no apparent reason. And the pain in my back is at least a level 6 now, bordering on 7.

Julia makes an appointment for me with my family doctor, and luckily, she has an opening tomorrow. She will prescribe an antidepressant medication, and I will take it. I know how these pills work. They will help prevent the destruction of the natural mood enhancer known as serotonin, which is further depleted by the depressed state, and, hopefully, this will restore me to a normal state. They work for most people. Let’s hope I’m one of them.

It takes a very strong, determined partner to help see you through clinical depression. I am taxing Julia’s patience and fortitude to the limit. Aside from the demon that is addiction, depression is perhaps even worse. It’s like you’ve got this devil sitting on your shoulder, whispering in your ear, constantly telling you how worthless you are. Not only does he dredge up every failure you’ve experienced in your life, but he also diminishes or negates every triumph. You can try to argue with him, but he always prevails.

In great detail, I relive the embarrassing episodes I had while wooing my young teenage crush, Sandi—how I’d tried to humiliate or provoke her boyfriends like Josh Bennett and that kid at Don Robbins’s party, who I pushed into the pool. That ill-fated car accident when I went rushing out of there, which was the beginning of all my troubles with pain and addiction. The way I caused my cat Chloe to die, which led to my first overdose. The dumb weight-lifting accident in my freshman year of college, which led to my second overdose.

Every one of these, I continue to dredge up and beat myself over the head with, and I seem powerless to stop it with that infernal voice whispering in my ear, telling me over and over how worthless I am. It tells me I don’t deserve a spouse like Julia, and it’s right about that.

How can she possibly remain with someone like me? She is so talented and wonderful and beautiful. She could have any man she wants, and yet she settles for me? What’s wrong with her? I know what’s wrong with me. I’m a total fuckup, a loser, and that’s the way it’s always going to be.

(4 more chapters to go)

Chapter 44
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 44

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 43: Julia and Brian talk about what happened while she was gone for two months on tour. Brian explains how he had accidentally taken a double dose of his successful drug, Dipraxa, and how this turned it into a super-narcotic, producing such euphoria that he could do nothing else while under its influence. He asks her to destroy the few remaining pills for him. He is very down on himself and wonders why Julia stays with him, but she tries to buck him up by reminding him that this was the first incident of drug abuse in 13 years and was not something he had planned.

Nevertheless, he sinks into a deep depression over the failure of his drug and fears losing Julia, the person he loves most in the world. She makes an appointment for him with his doctor.

Chapter 44

My doctor puts me on venlafaxine, a potent antidepressant drug that is also an anti-anxiety drug. It’s known as an SNRI, which stands for Serotonin and Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor, because it works by increasing the levels of serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain, both of which help to preserve mental balance. It should cure both conditions at the same time, but it takes about two weeks to feel the full effect. That’s a long time to wait when you feel this way, and the important thing is to try to keep busy and keep your mind off your troubles.

This is where Julia really shines, because she won’t let me just sit around. She sees that I stay constantly occupied: with playing chess (though not very well), with listening to her practice, with watching Netflix movies together like the chess story The Queen’s Gambit (now there’s another character with a major addiction problem!) She has me read to her from Tolkien. She is always by my side and encourages me to do as many things of a constructive nature as I can, like help prepare meals and perform a few cleaning chores. She always presents a pleasant front.

She somehow knows not to argue with my demon and tell me things like, “No, don’t listen to him. You’re super-talented and smart and strong, and you can beat him, Babe.” She doesn’t say these things because she knows I don’t believe them and would just argue. Instead, she just bides her time and helps keep me busy while the venlafaxine takes effect.

She also doesn’t come down hard on me, like Fran might, and say, “Brian, grow a pair and fight this thing. You can do it if you get off your ass and just do it.” She knows this wouldn’t be effective and would only make me feel worse because I already have these thoughts and don’t need her to voice them too. I don’t know how she knows what to do; she just does.

I ask her, “Why do you stick with me, Jules, and how are you able to put up with it? Your life would be so much easier and happier without everything I’m putting you through now.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Babe. My life would be so much more difficult, lonely, and miserable without you in it. I love you, Brian. You’re sick right now, and you don’t desert someone when they’re sick. I will do anything to get back to what we had before this started. But I’m not worried. This will end up being just a blip in our years together. You’ll see.”

I don’t know if she really means this or if she’s just trying to buck me up and is secretly very worried, but I’m grateful nonetheless. She is a rock against which the violent seas of my moods may pound, but she seems so firmly anchored in place that I can’t help but take solace in her confident words.

In about a week, I notice a change in my moods. I’m not as anxious. When I begin to have an overwhelming thought, it almost feels like a shield goes up in my chest to block it by reducing the rush of adrenaline through my core.

One thing I haven’t been doing is trying to think about the problem with Dipraxa. I know that I’m not up to that yet. If there is a solution to the current problem, I understand that it will require clear thinking and a great power of analysis to identify it, and I recognize that I'm simply not up to that right now. Maybe, hopefully, I’ll be able to begin thinking about it soon, but it would only depress me further if I tried now.

In another week, I am substantially better mentally. Physically too. My appetite is back, as is my libido, and Julia and I make love for the first time in months. We take it slow at first, getting accustomed to each other once more, but it doesn’t take long to reestablish our old rhythms, and it becomes wonderful again. Sex has always been essential and special for us, and I realize now how much I’ve missed it.

I’m also able to get a decent night’s sleep now. The pain is still pretty bad, but Julia surprises me this morning over breakfast. She reveals something to me that was totally unexpected.

“Brian, how long would it take you to reacquire the materials and make a new batch of Dipraxa?”

“Just over a week. Why?”

“And without the pain you’re now experiencing, do you think you’d have a better chance of working on the problem with Dipraxa sooner?”

“As long as I keep to the 200 mg dose, then absolutely.”

“Here’s the thing. I never flushed the remainder of the Dipraxa down the toilet when you asked me to. I’ve saved it for a time when I thought you’d be able to handle it again. The right dose, that is. It looks to me like you have about a week’s worth of it left if you take two capsules a day like you used to. Would it be tempting fate if I were to dole out two capsules a day to you?”

“You’re amazing; you know that? I’ve just begun thinking about the problem, but it’s going to take a lot more thought, analysis, and testing in the lab to figure it out. I’m going to need to be sharp for it. Mentally, I feel pretty normal again, but it sure would be nice not to have the pain. I think it would definitely improve things and maybe speed it up if I didn’t have that pain niggling at me in the background.”

“Okay then. Would you like two now?”

“Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?”

Julia does one other thing to surprise me. I put in a full day up in the lab today, beginning to think about the problem, and when I go back downstairs, she’s in the kitchen feeding a kitten.

“What do we have here?” I say.

“This is Nadia. A friend of mine’s cat had kittens, and she asked me if I’d like one.”

“The cat asked you if you’d like one of her kittens?”

Hardly a beat goes by when Julia comes back with, “Yes. She said her nipples were killing her from seven weeks of nursing, and it was time to offload them.”

“Got it.”

We laugh together. She says, “You know I’ve always wanted a cat, and I know you like cats, so I just said, ‘Sure, I’ll take one.’ Perhaps I should have discussed it with you first, but I thought it might make a fun surprise for you. So, what do you think? Shall we keep her?”

I look at the little kitten who has stopped eating and is licking her mouth as she looks at me. “Nadia, huh? Why you’re a cute little thing. Look at those interesting markings, Jules. What do you call this kind of cat?”

“She’s just a domestic shorthair. I think they call that pattern of mottled orange and black ‘tortoise shell’ and the cat a tortie.”

“That seems to fit. She’s adorable.” I bend down and pick her up. She is just a little thing and weighs almost nothing. “So, only seven weeks old. She sure is cute.”

“She is cute. Look at those huge ears on that little face.”

“Yeah, they grow into their ears eventually. She’s a good-natured little girl. She reminds me of Chloe when we first got her when I was a kid. Absolutely, we’re keeping her. I like the name too. Nadia. Was she named after someone?”

“Well, my friend is a conductor, and there was this famous woman conductor and teacher named Nadia Boulanger. She was named after her.”

“Cool. Welcome to our little family, Nadia. This is your house now, and we’ll be living here with you if you don’t mind.”

Julia has been full of surprises lately.

I won’t try to describe the extensive testing I did on Dipraxa to figure out why it was creating those feelings of euphoria at the higher dose. Unless you want me to. No? Didn’t think so. However, I will try to explain in simple terms what exactly I discovered is creating those undesired feelings of euphoria.

If you remember, Dipraxa works by blocking or blunting the sodium channels that carry pain signals to the brain, which significantly reduces the number that can reach the brain and cause pain. The right amount of Dipraxa delivered directly to the ailing areas by nanoparticles effectively does this. But when more than the right amount enters the bloodstream, the excess makes its way to the brain’s pituitary gland. There, it triggers it to release super-endorphins—those pleasure-causing substances that work just like opioids do. They bind to the opioid receptors in another part of the brain and create those euphoric feelings.

It seems like my job then is either to stop the excess Dipraxa from reaching the pituitary or, assuming I can’t do that, to find a way to stop the release of these super-endorphins by the pituitary. Both of these seem like daunting tasks. After all, that’s the main job of the pituitary—to receive signals that trigger it to create and release hormones that regulate and promote normal bodily functions. It seems beyond my current capabilities to instruct it to deviate from its natural behavior. Perhaps someday that will be possible, but I for sure have no idea how to go about it now.

I must keep in mind, though, that there are some individuals who don’t experience the high that opioids cause, but only get the analgesic effect of them. Exactly why that is, I don’t know, but perhaps it will be significant in finding the solution to the problem.

Phew! Enough heavy thinking for now. My reasoning brain is almost back, but it’s still not functioning at 100% yet, and it’s currently in a whirl. I think I’ll go downstairs to talk with Julia. Sometimes discussing things with her sparks ideas for me.

As I enter the kitchen with the intention of pouring myself a cup of tea, Julia comes rushing in from the porch.

“Hey, Babe, I was just coming in to get the stepladder, but since you’re here now, will you come out on the porch with me? Nadia got herself stuck at the top of the screen and can’t get down. You’re tall enough to reach her.”

“She’s stuck at the top of the screen? How did she do that?”

“It’s those sharp little claws of hers. She’s able to climb right up the screen. Only problem is that she got to the top and had nowhere else to go. Now she can’t seem to go back down backwards or turn around and go down forwards. She’s just stuck at the top, mewing loudly for help, the silly thing!”

I follow Julia out to the screened porch, and sure enough, there’s little Nadia, stuck at the top.

“Look at you up there, Nads! Didn’t really think that one out, did you?” I said to the kitten. “Alright, let me help you.”

I reach up and carefully detach her curved, needle-like claws from the screen. I turn her around and look her right in the face. “Have you learned your lesson, young lady? Don’t be climbing up the screens! We may not always be around to rescue you, you goofball.”

I pet her for a while, give her a little kiss, and put her down. What does the knucklehead do but immediately start to climb the screen again?

Julia says, “We’ve got to trim her claws—make it so they won’t be able to grip the screen to climb it.”

I stand stock-still for a few seconds while I ponder what she just said. As I’m staring straight ahead, deep in thought, Nadia quickly scales the screen to the top again.

Julia notices me staring and says, “Babe, what is it? You look like you’re in a trance.”

I’m lost in thought for a few more seconds until I turn to her with the biggest smile on my face. “Jules, that’s it! Oh, I’m married to the cleverest wife in the world.”

I turn and grab Nadia from the top of the screen again. Holding her in one hand, while I grab Julia around the waist with the other, I begin dancing around with them. “You and the squirt here have just solved the problem caused by Dipraxa. I know what to do now.”

“What?”

“I said the problem is solved, and I know what to do now.”

“I heard you,” she says impatiently. “I mean what is it?”

“What is what?”

She rolls her eyes. “Baaabe! Who’s the goofball now? Just tell me what the solution is and what you’re going to do!”

“I’m going to create a Dipraxa variant that you can take as much of as you want to, but it won’t make a bit of difference. You won’t get high no matter how much you take. The new drug, is going to change the shape of the endorphins produced by the pituitary, which will prevent them from binding to the opioid receptors. That binding is what creates those feelings of euphoria!

“You see, I’m guessing my electron microscope will show that these particular endorphins are spiky, but if those spikes are removed in much the way we’ll be clipping Nadia’s claws, the smooth endorphins won’t be able to attach to the Velcro-like opioid receptors, in the same way that Nadia won’t be able to climb the screen anymore. Thus, no euphoria triggered! All the excess in the world won’t be able to make you high because it won’t trigger the euphoria response.”

“Well, that sounds great, but how will your new drug change the shape of the endorphins?”

“Gene manipulation, of course! I’m going to buy my pituitary a new pair of genes.”

“What kind of new genes?”

“Oh, maybe the skinny kind you like so much. I think I’ll give Paul Rieke a call and bat this whole idea around with him for a while.”

(3 more chapters to go)

Chapter 45
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 45

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 44: Julia works hard with Brian to help keep him busy while his depression medication takes effect. Gradually he begins to improve, and within the usual two-week period it takes, he feels much better mentally, although his pain is bad.

Julia reveals to him that she never threw away the rest of the Dipraxa as he had asked her to. While he waits for new raw materials to arrive so he can make more and figure out what went wrong with it, she is willing to dole out his safe level of the drug each day to relieve the pain that is so distracting to him.

With renewed vigor, he figures out what went wrong but not how to solve it yet. Julia has another surprise for him—a new kitten—and it is the kitten’s antics one day when it climbed the screen on the porch that triggered the solution to Brian. He calls his old friend, Dr. Rieke, to brainstorm it with him.

Chapter 45

I’m invigorated now and practically feel like my old self again. I call Paul Rieke and invite him here for a visit tomorrow, a Saturday, and he promises to come. It’s close to a three-hour drive from his home to ours, but he’s willing to make the trip to see me.

No longer just a mentor-mentee relationship, I consider Paul to be a close friend now. He is over twice my age, but he’s one of those ageless people whose chronological age just seems irrelevant when you talk to him. I plan to discuss what’s been going on in my life the last few months. Like Julia, he will understand the pain, the addiction, and the depression that have plagued me, since he lived through them with his nephew’s family.

“Brian, Julia, it’s great to see you both,” he says as we greet him at the door around noon. He gives Julia a hug and a peck on the cheek. We hug too.

I hang up his coat, and we head toward the kitchen. “Can I get you something to drink, Paul? There’s someone we’d like you to meet in here too.”

“If you’ve got any beer, I’d be glad to take one off your hands.”

“You got it.” As we enter the kitchen, there is Nadia up on the forbidden island. I pick her up and give her the usual “No cats on counters!” warning, for all the good it does.

“Paul, this is Nadia, who, along with Julia, inspired the possible solution to the Dipraxa problem I’ve told you about. I should call her Naughty-a for the mischief she continually gets into.”

“Well, aren’t you a clever little kitty?” he asked her, reaching out his fingers for her to sniff. “I know your Mama’s clever,” he said, winking at Julia. He knows just how to approach a cat, and after she sniffs for a while, he begins to carefully stroke her cheeks and beneath her chin.

I hand her to him, and he lifts her into his hands, placing one beneath her and petting her with the other. She begins purring.

Julia hands me a Heineken and sets one on the island for Paul for when he tires of holding the cat.

“Paul, I bought a shepherd’s pie I’m planning to serve for lunch,” she says. “I don’t know when you had breakfast, but when do you think you might be hungry for lunch?”

“Oh, don’t worry about me. Anytime you want to serve lunch is just fine.”

“Babe, why don’t you and Paul retreat to your lab while I get this pie going? You’ll have about an hour to talk before lunch is ready.”

“Thanks, Sweetie.” I give her a quick kiss, and then Paul and I head upstairs to talk turkey.

I haven’t talked to Paul about any of what’s been happening lately, so I spend the next half-hour reviewing the entire experience from the initial double-dose of Dipraxa, right up to the present discovery of an idea of how to address the problem of euphoria it’s now capable of producing. Paul lets me do most of the talking with an occasional question thrown in, as well as great commiseration for the perceived failure of Dipraxa, my resulting addiction to it, and the severe depression I have just come through. He is such a good listener.

When I bring him up to speed with where I am now and present my theory of how I think I can modify the genes that govern the “spiky shape” of the endorphins the pituitary produces, Paul is ready to jump right into the discussion.

Of course, this spiky appearance, as I described it to Julia, was really just a way for her to picture what I was talking about. The so-called spikes and the smooth appearance of the solution I posited really have nothing to do with the physical appearance of the endorphins. Paul understands this. The spikiness is a good way to describe it to a non-scientist, but it has more to do with their chemical structure and the position of their electrical charges than with their physical appearance.

I have always wondered why some individuals seem to be impervious to the euphoria response of opioids. Paul and I discuss the likelihood that the structure of their opioid receptors prevents the normal bonding with opioids, at least not to the same extent as most people.

And what is it that determines the structure of the endorphins produced by the pituitary when an excess of Dipraxa reaches it, as well as the structure of the opioid receptors themselves? A person’s genes.

Gene manipulation and therapy have been Paul’s specialties all along, and he has many ideas we consider for an approach. He’s in total agreement that this is the way to address the problem.

“I’ve even thought of a name for the Dipraxa variant, Paul.”

“What would that be?”

“Glyptophan.”

“Hmm. Let me see if I can guess why. ‘Glypto’ is Greek for ‘to carve or sculpt,’ while ‘phan’ means merely ‘to appear or show.’ Thus, ‘Glyptophan’ would mean ‘to appear carved or sculpted.’ Seems perfect, even though we know this is just a way to picture what’s going on—carving off the ‘spikes,’ so to speak. How is it you happen to know those Greek prefixes and suffixes?”

“You remember I worked in the pharmaceutical industry for a few years,” I tell him. “I was privy to a lot of naming conventions. How is it you know them?”

“Me? I’m a wise old man who’s learned a thing or two here and there. I think Glyptophan is a great name. Sounds very drug-like, unlike some of the goofy names today. Domperidone—sounds like an expensive champagne. Moxifloxacin—there’s a mouthful for you.”

“That’s funny. I said the same thing to Julia when I came up with Dipraxa; it was better than a lot of peculiar names out there.”

“Brian, I’ll say it again. I think you’re definitely onto the right approach for this. I suppose we can discuss how to achieve this so-called carved or sculpted look after lunch. Have you got any pituitary gland cells and/or Dipraxa-induced endorphin cells that we can look at with your equipment?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t. Maybe you can help me figure out how to isolate these cells in some way other than brain surgery on my pituitary. I’d prefer to avoid that if I can.”

He laughed. “Hopefully we can come up with a way.”

We talk for a few more minutes, then it’s time to head downstairs when Julia texts me that lunch is ready.

(2 more chapters to go)

Chapter 46
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 46

By Jim Wile

Recap of Chapter 45: Brian invites Paul Rieke for a visit to discuss his ideas about using gene manipulation to cure the recent problem with Dipraxa. He relates everything that happened over the past few months, including the initial success, the accidental double-dose, the resulting high, the two-month binge, the overwhelming depression, and then the idea for fixing the drug. Paul understood Brian's struggles and believed he was on the right track to fix Dipraxa.

Chapter 46

Summer, 2023

Over the next few months, with help from Paul, I was able to determine the structure of the pituitary-produced endorphins without digging into my brain. Want to hear how? No? I don’t blame you.

Suffice it to say that I was able to reconfigure the Dipraxa molecules into Glyptophan molecules to address the so-called spiky appearance of the endorphins and prevent their binding to the opioid receptors, which creates that unwanted euphoria. Finally, it still has the incredible analgesic effect of Dipraxa but none of the euphoric effect.

How do I know this? As with Dipraxa, I did more animal testing, and I tested it on myself for several months. This included working up to a double dose and even a quadruple dose to see if I really solved the euphoria problem, and never once did I experience any euphoric effects from taking the drug. No discernible side effects either. Of course, that was certainly not conclusive, and a much larger group will need to be tested.

It was during this testing period that I finally heard from Fran again. I hadn’t spoken to her for well over a year—since that party right at the end of 2021 before everyone parted ways.

“Hey, little brother. Guess who?”

“Not the prodigal daughter, returned from her deep, dark, secret mission to save the world, is it? Where have you been and what exactly have you been doing, big sis?”

“Now, you know if I told you, I’d have to kill you. Let’s just say I was deep in the belly of the beast for a while.”

“Hmm. That’s about as clear as when I try to explain to you what I’m involved with. At least I try. God, I’ve missed you and Mike, Fran. Is he back too, wherever they sent him?”

“Yep. We were actually there together.”

“Where?”

“Oh, you are wear-ing on me, little brother.”

“Okay, okay. I’m a-ware you can’t tell me. You and Mike are none the worse for the wear, though, I hope?”

“Uncle!” she laughed. “I’ll never best you in this. Mike and I are fine. Now tell me about you and Jules.”

We talk for almost two hours. During this time, I fill her in on everything that’s happened since the last time we were together in December 2021. She is shocked and dismayed by the negative parts—the failure of Dipraxa and the subsequent pain, addiction, and depression—and tells me she is so sorry she couldn’t have been there to support me during this extremely trying time.

I tell her about the current status of my testing of Glyptophan, and she’s very pleased with the promise of this new drug, which will prevent the ability to get high with it.

One thing really struck me about what she said of the old Dipraxa. She said, “Brian, you must never let that drug get out because of what it would do to the population. Look what it did to you. It would inevitably become so popular and hard to resist, that it would destroy us as a civilization. Many think that’s what drugs in general have done, but this super-drug of yours would just finish us off.”

We end by promising that the four of us will get together soon. It was so good talking to her again. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until that moment.

A few days later, my phone rings, showing an unfamiliar number. I almost let it go to voicemail, but for some reason, I decide to answer the call.

“Brian, my old friend. This is Daniel Molebatsi.”

“Daniel! What a nice surprise. God, it’s been a few years since we talked last. How are you and Kimi and the baby?”

“Which one? We have three now!”

“Oh, that’s terrific, my friend. Tell me about them.”

“I have a better idea. Would you like to meet them? We are here in the states for a vacation, and Kimi and I would love to get together with you and Julia if you wouldn’t mind a few tagalongs.”

“We’d love that, Daniel. Where are you right now?”

“We are in Raleigh, showing them where Kimi and I met. You are still in Charlotte, correct?”

“That’s right. It’s about three hours from Raleigh. We would love to have you come here. Or, we could come to meet you. Whatever suits you.”

“I have rented a recreational vehicle for three weeks, so we will be traveling around for a while. How about if we stopped in Charlotte one afternoon to see you and Julia?”

“That sounds wonderful. When were you thinking of coming?”

We continue to make arrangements and agree they will be here the day after tomorrow, a Wednesday, around noon. It will be great to see him and his family. We have talked a number of times over the years, but this will be the first face-to-face meeting since our undergrad days at NC State, going on 10 years now.

I go downstairs to tell Julia, who is practicing for an upcoming pair of concerts in Portland and Vancouver next week. She is thrilled to hear about Daniel and Kimi’s visit. They will be here for the day, spend the night in the RV, parked in our driveway, and depart the following morning for destinations west. We plan a few meals, and I make up a grocery list. We’re both excited about seeing them again.

The huge RV pulls into our driveway just past noon today. Julia and I hear them pull in and go out on the front porch to greet them.

Daniel looks much the same as he did 10 years ago, with perhaps a slight paunch. Kimi looks amazing for a mother of three young children. She has put on a few pounds too, but they look good on her. She had always been very slim back in the day. And then there are the children—two boys ages 7 and 5, and a girl age 10 months. They are cute as can be. The boys look like a young Tiger Woods, who is also of mixed race, with an African American father and a Thai mother.

After introductions, the boys begin chasing each other around the front yard. The girl more closely resembles Kimi, who is holding her. She appears very shy and buries her face in Kimi’s shoulder.

I guess Julia and I haven’t changed that much in appearance, either. Julia wears her hair longer now—shoulder length and layered—and I’m thinner and not nearly as muscular as I once was. All of us look well and happy.

After hugs and kisses, we usher them into the house, including the rambunctious boys who complain a little when asked to stop their game of tag and come in with us. I see Daniel kneel down face-to-face and remind them about being polite and not talking back.

Nadia greets us when we come in. She is a friendly cat who often comes to the door when strangers arrive. The boys are instantly attracted to her and chase her into the family room, where Daniel has to remind them to be gentle with her or they’ll frighten her into running away and hiding. They immediately calm down, and I tell them she enjoys chasing strings, and I show them where her cat toys are kept. With the boys now occupied with the cat, Daniel and I retreat to the kitchen, where Julia and Kimi, with the baby across her shoulder, are already getting some refreshments.

I offer Daniel a libation, and he readily accepts a Heineken, which I have too. The four of us spend the next hour sitting in the kitchen and then on the porch, catching up.

Daniel and Kimi had gotten married during their grad school years. Both of them had had F-1 visas, which allowed them to remain in the US for graduate programs following their undergrad years. After they had both earned master’s degrees—he in finance and she in biomedical engineering—they returned to Botswana, where Kimi established citizenship. A couple of years went by, and they began having babies.

Daniel had gotten a good job as a financial analyst, and Kimi worked for a couple of years in the private sector before deciding to stay home for a period with her children. They seem very happy with their situation.

“Do you miss working?” Julia asks Kimi.

“Sometimes a little, but I’m happy being at home with the children for now. I will go back to work one day when they are all in school. They are wonderful, and I wouldn’t miss these years for anything.”

“Same for you, buddy?” I ask Daniel.

“It is different for me. I am the breadbaker for now, and I did not have to stop working at a job I loved to have babies. But Kimi wanted to stay home with them from the start, and it has worked out well for us. I too love being a parent, and having children has been a very rewarding part of our lives so far. They say, ‘Wait until they become teenagers,’ but I am not worried about that. They are very good children, especially this little one here,” he said as he took the baby, who had fallen asleep and remained in Kimi’s arms the entire time, into his own. She stirs but doesn’t awaken and snuggles into her daddy’s neck.

I stare at him for a long moment when he’s finished. “Breadbaker, Daniel? Seriously?” He winks at me, and I know he has said that for my amusement.

The boys come onto the porch and ask if they can go outside and play. The porch overlooks the backyard, and we can keep an eye on them, so Daniel gives them permission to play there. I had set up a badminton court, and they begin batting a shuttlecock back and forth after I spent a few minutes showing them how to play.

When I return from this brief interruption, Kimi asks, “And how about you two? Are you happy with your lives?”

Julia waits for me to answer first. “To be honest, these past couple of years have been rough.”

I then share with them the initial success and then the devastating failure of Dipraxa and the subsequent depression I had suffered, and they are very sympathetic to the situation. I assure them that things are much better now, and that there is new promise with Glyptophan, which I am hard at work testing while writing my Investigational New Drug application to the FDA for approval of Phase 1 testing.

Julia continues with her part in our story. “I had been touring steadily for almost six years before Covid put an end to that. I loved it, but I also loved being at home with Brian. I didn’t know how long I would want to keep touring because it took me away from home so often, and I loved our time together. Traveling has also become such a chore. When Covid hit, I was perfectly happy to stay home, and we enjoyed working together on his drug.

“By the time the restrictions had been relaxed and touring was now possible, I looked forward to it again, but I had some unexplainable misgivings about it too. It was just a feeling I had that something was about to change, and my intuition was correct because everything fell apart during the two months I was gone, as Brian told you.

“Things are going much better now, and I’m going to do a couple of concerts on the west coast in a few days. We’ll see how much longer I want to do it and be away from home so much.”

She doesn’t say it, but I know she worries about me now when I’m on my own without her, and I can’t blame her after what I put her through.

With this heavy stuff out of the way, we have a grand time during the rest of their visit. We share some good meals; Julia plays a little music for them; we play games with the kids; and we reminisce about old times. The older boys have become fast friends with Nadia, and the baby seemed entranced by Julia’s violin playing. I wish they lived closer because we really enjoy their friendship.

The next day, it’s sad when they have to leave, but we promise to do a better job of staying in touch.

After we say goodbye and they drive away, Julia and I stand together, hand-in-hand on the porch. We are silent for a while, and I wonder if she is having the same sort of thoughts I’m having after seeing how happy the Molebatsi family appears to be.

(The final chapter will be posted on Sunday, Oct. 13.)

Author Notes CHARACTERS

Brian Kendrick: The narrator of the story. At the beginning of the story, he is 12 years old and in 6th grade in Kernersville, North Carolina. The story traces his life into his 30s.

Julia Kendrick: Brian's wife whom he met at rehab when they were 16. She becomes a premier violinist.

Francine (Fran) Kendrick: Brian's older sister. She is 18 at the beginning of the story and goes to junior college, where she studies law enforcement.

Rafael Ortiz (Raffi): Youth therapy group leader at the rehab facility.

Robert Entwistle: Julia's father.

Dr. Marie Schmidt: Julia's mother.

Mike Pekarsky: Fran's boyfriend who she met on her Caribbean cruise.

Daniel Molebatsi: Brian's undergrad college roommate. He is from Botswana and is a business major.

Kimiko Yamada Molebatsi (Kimi): Brian's organic chemistry lab partner. She is from Japan and also resides in his and Daniel's dorm. She is now married to Daniel.

Dr. Paul Rieke: Brian's organic chemistry professor.

Willy Stubblefield: The leader of the Clark Creek Drifters bluegrass band that Julia joins.

Shannon Stubblefield: Willy's wife and the drummer of the Clark Creek Drifters.

Nadia: Brian and Julia's new kitten.

Chloe: Brian's childhood pet cat.

Picture courtesy of Flux-Pro

Chapter 47
DUEL with the DEVIL - Chapter 47

By Jim Wile

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Recap of Chapter 46: With Paul Rieke’s help, Brian is able to reconfigure Dipraxa into Glyptophan, which solves the euphoria-production problem. Brian carries on successful animal trials as well as his own personal human trial with great success and files for and receives a patent for Glyptophan.

Fran returns from her mission and contacts Brian for the first time in over a year. They talk for two hours by phone, and Brian catches her up on what’s been happening in his life.

Out of the blue, Daniel Molebatsi, Brian’s college roommate, calls with news that he and Kimi and their three children are in the US on vacation from Botswana, where they live. They agree to meet, and the Molebatsi clan arrives in a large RV. This pleasant visit lets them catch up on their lives.

Chapter 47

April 2024

During the remaining months of 2023, I completed both the animal testing and my own personal testing of Glyptophan with amazingly good results. I felt terrific, both physically and mentally. My pain remained at a level one, which was barely noticeable, and only increased if I stopped taking Glyptophan. I tried this for short periods to make sure the drug was still working, and each time I went off it, the pain returned, but went back to level 1 when I started up again.

During this same period, I was busy developing the required Investigational New Drug application (IND) to the FDA for approval to proceed with human testing. It took months to compile all my data and present it in a logical and comprehensive manner in this application. When Julia was home, she helped me with it. She was quite familiar with the entire project and proved to be an invaluable aid in completing the application.

I submitted the IND in early December, and by mid-January, it was approved for Phase 1 human trials.

Something I had to seriously consider was what would be required to actually bring this drug to market. It would take vast resources and a number of years, perhaps 10, before I could start earning any money from it if I were to manage it all alone. What would I do in the interim to finance the production costs and generate income until it started to turn a profit?

The answer was to attempt to sign a licensing agreement with a pharmaceutical company to manufacture the drug. I could have just tried to sell them the patent rights, but signing a licensing agreement would give me greater control and would assure greater compensation if the drug proves to be successful.

I could also try to establish various financial arrangements with the company, including upfront money, known as a licensing fee, and milestone payments upon the successful completion of each testing phase, which would enable me to start earning income immediately.

Since I had departed from Detry Pharmaceutical on good terms, I talked to them first about manufacturing the drug and these financial matters. During the next few months, I also talked to three other companies, but Detry made me the best offer. All of the companies saw the money-making potential of Glyptophan and were willing to compete for it and risk paying very large licensing fees even before the Phase 1 human testing, just based on the IND. Detry’s wasn’t the highest offer, although close enough, but their royalty percent was the highest of the four companies I was considering.

My former co-workers in the R&D Department at Detry had studied my IND very closely, and we talked extensively about the drug. They were convinced I had a winner, and they were influential in persuading the finance people to offer me a very lucrative licensing fee before testing even began, with substantial increases after each successful testing phase. If the drug makes it all the way to production, I will already have earned $30 million, and I will potentially make much more in royalties. This was a no-brainer, and with Julia’s blessing, I signed a contract with them two weeks ago.

I catch Julia’s eye as she comes through the main concourse. She is returning from a week-long trip to Brussels, Belgium, where she performed in several concerts with the Belgian National Orchestra. She looks tired, but she has a smile for me, and we hug and kiss when we reach each other.

“How did it go, Sweetie?”

“Oh, it went fine, I guess.”

She’s usually bursting with enthusiasm following her international travels, but this tepid response is further proof of a noticeable shift in her attitude about her job. It seems that ever since the visit by the Molebatsi family last summer, Julia’s enthusiasm for travel has been slowly waning.

“You don’t seem that thrilled about it. What’s wrong, Jules?” I ask her as we head through the terminal towards baggage claim.

“Don’t get me wrong, Babe. I still love playing the violin; it’s just everything else about the job that’s beginning to get to me. In the early days, I could overlook the flight delays and missed connections, the hotel overbookings and snobby attitudes towards American women when I would travel to foreign countries. Of constantly being hit on by various men and even women in the orchestras I would play with, and a whole host of other things. It was still new and exciting then, but it’s all just getting old for me now.”

I wait for a moment before saying, “Is there more?” I have a feeling she isn’t quite finished. After a few seconds when she doesn’t answer, I realize she isn’t walking beside me anymore. I turn and look back. She’s just standing there in the middle of the concourse, and I return to her.

“I think I want to have a baby, Brian, before I get any older.” She looks at me uncertainly, as if gauging my reaction to this.

I stare at her for a few seconds. Then I say, “Well, let’s start as soon as we get home.” We both break into a smile.

“You mean it?” she says.

“More than ever, Jules. I’ve been waiting to hear you say this for a while now. I didn’t want to pressure you because I knew it would affect your touring, but I’m ready to have kids too. We always talked about it one day. Maybe now’s the time.”

We drop everything we’re carrying, and she comes into my arms. We begin kissing, and it starts to get passionate. She breaks it off after a bit and says, “I think we should stop before we start making a baby right here in the middle of the airport.”

I laugh. “Yeah, maybe we should.”

6 months later
W.G. Hefner VA Medical Center
Salisbury, North Carolina
October 2024

I scan the crowd in front of me from the lectern. Most are young men. Some are in wheel chairs in the front row. There are many amputees with prosthetic devices of varying complexity. Some are burn victims. Others have no apparent visible injuries, but all are here for a reason. These men have seen combat in foreign wars and are the lucky ones who made it home, but not without grievous wounds and great pain.

“Good afternoon. My name is Brian Kendrick, and I’ve created a new analgesic pain medication called Glyptophan. I’m here today to enlist test subjects for the Phase 1 clinical drug trial that has recently been approved for my drug by the FDA. All of you have received my introductory letter, or you probably wouldn’t be here today. As you likely know from the information provided, there will be no control group for this phase of testing, and all participants will receive the drug, but in varying quantities, which is part of what we hope to learn: the ideal dose and the resulting side effects.

“As I stated in the introductory letter, I myself have had chronic back pain for 15 years and got addicted to opioid pain medication. I have taken this new drug myself. I’m taking it now, and it has brought my pain from an average level of 5-6 down to level-1.”

A number of smiles and a general stirring from the attendees greet this pronouncement.

“It could be brought to 0, but that would be unsafe to never feel any pain. There is no euphoric feeling associated with taking this drug, but it is at least as effective in killing pain as high levels of opioids, but without the danger of overdose or addiction. There are no withdrawal symptoms should you stop taking the drug, but your pain will return. It doesn’t cure the pain; it only masks it, but for those who suffer with pain, you may deem this good enough, as some conditions cannot be cured.

“I’m here today to answer any questions you have and to recruit volunteers for the Phase 1 trials. All volunteers will be screened for suitability as test subjects, and those accepted into the trials will be compensated. I’ll open the floor to questions now, and after all questions are answered, we’ll have some refreshments for you and some musical entertainment by The Clark Creek Drifters, featuring my wife, Julia, on fiddle and banjo.”

I answer a number of questions about the drug and the drug trial, and by the end of the questions, many in the audience pick up the information packets with the signature forms inside. I’m encouraged by their questions and this response. I’m hoping to recruit at least 20 volunteers from this group. I will recruit more volunteers from other groups at a later date.

Julia is the one who told me about the W.G. Hefner VA Medical Center originally because she played in a concert here with her bluegrass band a few months ago. She was moved by the condition of the wounded servicemen and suggested to me that they may want to assist in the Phase 1 trials.

She’s up there on a raised platform now, playing her fiddle with the band. She’s adorable in a little denim jumper. There is a noticeable bump in front of her body.

The crowd seems to love the music. The final piece is “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” of course, and they bring me up to do the vocals. I have practiced this with the band before, and they’re happy to have me do it with them.

I love this song, and I think about it a lot. The lyrics of the final stanza before the chorus go like this:

    The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat
    And he laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet
    Johnny said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again
    I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best there's ever been"

It makes me think of my struggles with the demons throughout my life—the pain I’ve suffered in most part due to my own carelessness and stupidity, the powerful addiction to painkillers I’d developed, and the crushing depression I experienced, which was a soul killer, when I thought about all my failures.

And then I think about all the help I’ve had from the people closest to me to help me fight and overcome these crushing demons. I couldn’t have made it through without them: Fran, Paul Rieke, Daniel, Kimi, and most of all my beloved Julia, whose belief in me never wavered and whose love for me and strength saw me through the lowest, most devastating time in my life. I will always remember and cherish that.

And if my drug passes all the trials and eventually comes to market, I will attribute its success to all the love and support I received from these wonderful people, and most especially from Julia.

As she once said of my duel with the devil, “We will beat him once and for all, Babe, because together, we’re the best there’s ever been!”

Epilogue

Sometime in the near future, in an undisclosed location in the US

At a secret meeting, representatives from several of the myriad alphabet soup agencies in the US government sit around a table, listening to the Special Agent in Charge.

“You’ve all been assigned to this mission to see what the smartass little shit knows and to act on it. We’ve got him dead-to-rights, but as yet, he refuses to cooperate and give us anything about his bosses or his mission. Not surprising in light of our current standards on enhanced interrogation. Until and unless those change, we can’t torture him. We have to—”

“Sir?”

“—abide by the rules, which limit the number of tools avail—”

“Sir?”

“What is it, Agent Fuckup? I don’t like to be interrupted.”

“Agent Fuckup” is an endearingly ironic moniker for one of the FBI’s top field agents. It comes from the initials of her name, Francine Kendrick Pekarsky, or FKP. She is a formidable woman with extraordinary talents of both physical toughness and keen analysis, and she has been chosen by the Director himself for this mission.

“I may know of a way to get him to talk without resorting to torture, per se, that should fall within the existing framework of rules.”

She commands great respect within this group, and she has their undivided attention.

“What do you mean by ‘per se?’” asks the SAC.

“Let me frame it like this, sir. There are two basic methods in use for motivating behavior: pleasure and pain, the so-called carrot and stick. The stick represents torture, which is currently defined as the intentional infliction of severe physical or mental pain or suffering. Instead of using a stick, what if we were to use a super carrot capable of invoking such extreme feelings of pleasure that our captive would do or tell us everything to keep getting it? If we were to use such a substance on him and then withhold it from him until the little shit talks, I don’t believe we could be accused of using torture under its current definition. I should also mention that no physical harm or lasting mental harm would come to him when it is withheld or stopped altogether. It would be unlike a narcotic in this respect.”

“And you know of such a substance?” asks the SAC.

With her brother’s earlier version of the drug in mind, Fran simply smiles….

Author Notes

A very warm thank you to all who read and reviewed this story. You have been a great group of readers and have provided me with wonderful feedback and encouragement along the way.

This is purely a work of fiction. There are no such drugs as Dipraxa or Glyptophan, although efforts are being made to discover a non-addictive painkiller to replace opioids.

Although much of the science in the novel exists, including gene therapy, gene manipulation, the use of nanoparticles to deliver drugs to specific areas in the body, and sodium channel blocking, I'm not sure in exactly what direction scientific research is going in order to find a solution to the problem of opioids. I also have no idea if Brian's idea for a drug is at all feasible. Not being a neuroscientist myself or any kind of scientist, and armed only with many hours of internet research, my ideas for Brian's solution may be totally unworkable.

As you can see from the Epilogue, I've left the possibility open for a sequel to this story. I haven't done too much thinking about it yet, but I have a few ideas. You will likely see not only characters from this novel, but several favorites from previous novels as well.

Picture courtesy of Flux-Pro and Remaker

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