FanStory.com - INBETWEEN THE LINES by Stef Lau

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

welcome to the shit show!

This is for every human that has suffered in silence & questioned their own sanity. I am going
to provide you with a little sneak peak inside that deep safe space you go to while being abused. i am going to allow you to view my safe place within the darkness. I am currently breaking chains & stopping the abuse once and for all... It is not easy, it is not fun, there is not a single day that goes by without some massive heap of bombs and molotov cocktails blowing up sporadically inside this brain. there is only a select few that have been given access to the poems, essays & free verse writings I am about to share. although I am scared of the reaction & accusations that come along with victim sharing, i am prepared to handle the blow back... since it has happened a l l m y l i f e. Nothing is simple as a victim. nothing is easy. and these glorified broadcasting "victims" that are falsely claiming abuse do not make it easy for us to even state our truth. the documentation within these pages will show you how to protect your light from the darkness and its damage. These writings are only for myself; to make sure i didn't go insane while living underneath a narcissist's microscope. The core essence of which is 110% from my soul & it's pure exhaustion. I want every single victim to know there is a way out, there is a place to go, there is a way to stay safe within your darkened cage- walled off from the world.

even though you are a victim, you cannot be a survivor without the suffering to begin with. you cannot be one without the other! and just because you feel alone & are alone within your dark shelter - there are others just like you! there are people going through the same exact thing waiting for the opportunity, encouragement and support to change their lives. i hope i can provide some comfort in your blackened world by sharing mine.

I dedicate this book to my daughter and her wonderful existence without which i would not be here! and a grandios special thanks and support from and for my crew of artistical misfits! Triscuit, julie, corrie, Kt- my rainbow rager, Rachet, Karl-my teddy bear savoir, Dustin, Nicci, Ronnie, jess, amy, beezer, Ash- Starkist, Ashley, Cj-my baby boy, Momma Dukes, Momma Noz, Uncle C, D-my love, and my resting brothers Andy & Jordan - I wouldn't have made it without you guys! Thank you all so much for listening and helping me through this, I know I've been a lil crazy, overwhelming & just a massive hott grunge pile but I appreciate every single one of you for all of your gloriously spectacular personalities ( especially those vibrant flourishes only our crazy asses can see!)

Chapter 1
Buddhist, Wiccan, Pagan <ME>

By Stef Lau

At one point in my life, I discovered that the church I was being forced to go to was a cult. I saw the catholic churcb as a meaningless place full of sheep following the teachings that weren't exactly about the people... the humans were not the main point of the stories. It was mainly about the morals, karma, kindness & compassion we are supposed to have for people and other beings within our existence. I decided I did not believe in this system or the way this was presented. I saw and interacted with these people that were filled with hate & disgust for any human that did not believe what they believed; or dressed how they dressed or did things designated in their bible that was supposed to be done or carried out the exact way they carried it out.

So I began my search..... I read about Athiesm; Definitely not for me! I then began my wiccan journey. During this time I was not 100% completely in belief of the God and Goddess situation within it just because I thought there was more, but then again that could've just been the PTSD from being forced to a bunch of different catholic churches & maybe I felt threatened by the "god" word just alone. I did just become a "real" adult, moving into my first apartment & newly being an active member of society. But I did believe in the spectrum of time the God & The Goddess ruled within our four seasons; it just felt appropriate.
I then dove head first into Buddhism.... FULL FORCE! I was just hanging out at Cafe Aroma one day; where I taught myself to be able to read with noises surrounding me, And I decided to head over to the connecting bookstore. "The Talking Leafs" was an amazing bookstore! As I am going through the western religions area I stumble across this book called "how to see yourself as you truly are" by the Dahli Laima (translated by some other dude i can't think of) & my first laughing Buddha statue that which I took home. This book broke everything down and I heard every miniscule drop. It became my bible, while I was being manipulated & regularly abused psychologically. I became drunk with the positive force! I drank so much positivity and focused so hard on it, that I saw none of the negative surroundings circumfrancing my physical presence. I wish my eyes would've been clearer then. Positively Love Drunk, was I. Later I realized, once my Lupus was diagnosed & I was overdosed on Prednisone, that the positivity was drowning reality with Hope & the possibility of my career options. I then started properly distributing the positive with the negative & the simplicity of analysis within it all.
I was attending Villa Maria College for my Fine Arts Associate Degree focusing souly (soley) on the business I've always wanted to have. I then started diving deep into the Old Gods & Greek Mythology due to my Art History class. I absolutely love the Greeks belief system and their magnificant artwork. The sculptures themselves speak on so many different levels! It was intoxicating and so beautiful!!

I whole-heartedly believe in my Pagan- Viking lifestyle. during the research of my family tree and the knowledge of my favorite witchy Aunt I learned that I am part Norwegian Viking. The natural green witch within is stemmed from my ancestry & the escapies from the salam witch trials. I believe in the gifts and the trials the Gods & Goddess' have put forthe within my existence & everyone elses. There is always a reason, always a door & always a window open or shut for whatever reason you are not capable of seeing within our human perception. This religion makes the most sense to me with a little lifestyle Buddhism mixed in. It's a perfict potion to drink regularly and it goes so well together that it is also grounding me to the Divine Universe along with all of its energy. Paganism has completely centered my existence within the chaos of life.

In the entire faith spectrum of my life, It has been a wild journey on multiple different paths that all come to a beautiful coven triangle naturally being the strongest shape within existence. The reason this is the strongest shape is because every angle is fixed and the rigidity of all sides allows weight to be placed on each side instead of one alone. Within these three points I have the base support, guidance & tools to make it through anything!

Author Notes This is the journey of my faith. Originally, my mother's belief system was to force me into her religion without a choice & without questions being allowed. It was used as a threat and a punishment to isolate and cause more problems within my life. It is a choice not every catholic person chooses but it should be supported to ask questions without taking offense. I don't believe every catholic human is like that, nor do I believe in fighting with anyone about their beliefs. I do not hold anything against anyone for their beliefs nor do I fight with them about my belief versus their belief. I don't believe that's what religion is for.

Chapter 1
Step into the Dark with me.

By Stef Lau

If you only new the darkness within this world,

You would not be so ignorantly happy.

I assume that Mother Earth knows your soul's very young, infantile
& not capable of handling the truth of Reality.

Sometimes,

I can't handle dealing with souls like yours...

It just requires so much of my energy to explain everything
i n e v e r y d e t a i l . . .

I don't know if it's just you that causes me to do that but i do know there are many humans like you.
I am glad that my knight(Mason) opened my mind, eyes & heart to what I've been trapped in for 8 years...

it was a cage.

Bars Built out of words:

Manipulation of emotions
Demeaning, Damaging critiques on normal everyday tasks.
I had to hide my feelings. . .

Because it was never about me.
My feelings . . . suffering
were not equally validated

Between us.

It's an invisible,
seemingly unbreakable restraint.

People do not understand most of the restraints and suppressions
I have been tethered with
since I was able to draw.
I c a n n o t a l w a y s u n d e r s t a n d

how I've gotten here.

How could I
let someone poison my mind
like this?

Author Notes This was the realization of my current mental condition and how it became this way; more specifically how I was REacting out of defense for the fear of whatever anchor teetering on the edge of the ledge was going to drop & drag my life down to the depths again. It was a repeated process I was accustomed to & I was unaware and ignorantly blind to happiness along with true unconditional love that was not from my weighted double bladed sword relatives- excluding my maternal grandmother.

One of thousands of stories, poems and books available online at FanStory.com
You've read it - now go back to FanStory.com to comment on each chapter and show your thanks to the author!