Sweetest Harbinger of Ruin, 

Today I went to yoga. Twice! Which on its own isn’t too impressive, but since the class itself is normally only offered once a day, it was nice to sandwich class and errands with intense hamstring pains. The same women showed up to both classes, too, so I didn’t feel alone. I did; however, feel out of place nonetheless because I did my crying makeup(I have perfected the teardrops under my eyes using skin safe adhesive in globs I shape while still wet) and wore tie dye in and my new gothic style out. 

The style went over super well at Bowling Trivia(the trivia is happening at the bowling alley, not that the trivia is about bowling{I wouldn’t go to that}). I haven’t eaten today. I was going to at the alley, I even got the Cajun fries and pretzels at my table. But unfortunately Timmie showed up so I left quite swiftly. I had been doing well at the game too! Both trivia and my bowling. I got over a 160– a new record for me, the unofficial monarch of the gutter. 

I also did my nails. What a revelation. But this time I have a magnetic polish I can make shifting colors with. I like it over a black background. I also got my laundry to the dreaded folding putting away stage. I guess I really am boring. Writing it all out makes me seem like a trophy attic creature. 

You said you’d talk to me today. You lie often to me though, so i wasn’t shocked to be left on read for as long as I have. I’m still not shocked or bothered. I think the ability for me to be upset at you ignoring me left after you confessed about the voicemail. Or begging Lindsey to stay with you. What a theme to follow, but you’re consistent and I like that in a man. I know what to expect with you most days and while this was infuriating in the past, I find comfort in it now. 

Speaking of comfort, I wear headphones nearly incessantly now. It’s nice blocking out everyone and everything, but mainly its because I dont like high pitched noises of air conditioners, and my air filter in my car has a leaf and its very very very annoying to deal with. I’d rather block it out and listen to something else. Today it was a little 20 minute description of the 1871 fire in Chicago.

Alex keeps sharing her Mount and Blade problems with me. I don’t know half of what she’s talking about but because you talked to her about it through me, she assumes I both know and care deeply about the game and her underage heirs and the difficulties of playing a woman. 

I have the option now of doing laundry and getting ready for the morning then doing an elaborate bedtime ritual, or ignoring all responsibilities and starting my first game of Age of Empires in years. Really hard to say what I’ll land on. I’ll flip a coin. Coins are money, and money rules the world therefore me, so what this nickel tells me, I’ll do. Heads will be for AoE, because the cover reminds me of Mount Rushmore. 

It was tails. Fuck. Well, call me before 2230 my time if you intend to uphold your (very loose but binding) oath to talk to me today. 

Bete noire bae,

1207: I'm sitting in the obgyn office now. It is the same one I went to for all of my pregnancies. The interior hasn't changed at all. It's weird checking the box for "abortion" on the forms. As if they dont know. Lucky me; I have my period normally so I can't be accused of a back alley crime since the laws changed. I think a girl that was in my grade works the front desk now. I forgot her name but it was either Cheney, Chassis or something. Lots of babies here and pregnant women. Spooky shit. I remember hating it now. It being pregnancy and newborn care. I'm wearing my headphones and am slightly grooving to my summer playlist for this year. It's good, I'll link it. (https://spotify.link/2RlOSnOL5Cb) my shoulders feel so stiff. I have work so I can't gym today; plus there's no yoga on Thursday's. Not that my quads could handle Svetlana's torture. I also have a hair appointment today. And I remembered my favorite tee shirt ever again today. It is one I stole from you but I still miss it. The Obey Propaganda one?? See photos. I sent Alex on a hunt to find it because my googling and Reddit aptitude is inferior to her autism powers. In my search for tee shirt pics I found a whole bunch of really old ones. I don't remember so much of my life now. The pictures help bring back memories though! Jimmy Carter is about to be 99. I think he's in hospice? Idk I used to get a daily update on him and last I saw he was in hospice care. Wonder how long he'll live and if it'll be longer because of the career stress or not. I'm nervous. My appointment was supposed to be an hour and a half ago. I can't get everything done today if I'm not seen soon. My passport should be in in a couple weeks, thank god. I didn't think it'd come in time for my birthday but I'd really like to go to Vietnam this year or next if I can. Not that I even know enough of the language to do anything but paltry conversation with the women at the nail salon. But they're really knowledgeable about nails(obviously chyloh that's their job) and have given me great advice over the last couple months that help. I don't know the prices of tickets either. I think getting my passport was just a matter of wanting to feel like I had options. My attention span is everywhere today. Last night I set my phone to play Rolling Stone's 500 greatest albums of all time in order. Woke up to The Chain by Fleetwood Mac around 2 and then at 6 ish to When Doves Cry. Had a headache so I took a shower with a dumbass shower cap because I can't wash my hair on bleaching day. Ended up rescheduling my pap and mammogram because my ob is delivering a baby rn and I gotta go. Hope I don't have cancer and just reduced my chances of survival. Joking. Oh and the girl's name was Chassis. Or Chassy. Forgot how to spell it.

1321: made it to the hair appointment. One of the women working here is an asshole. Also she is like filing her toes and talking about "bashing cats with slugger bats" because she hates them. I don't understand how we got there from talking about Inuit competition games. My head itches so bad. It's the bleach. They talked about a nephew named Paul "around my age". Cue near waterworks over my friend. But I held strong. Thank god. I don't need to be bawling over him this much. He would totally make fun of me for it. I've got ten more minutes of bleach on my scalp, then I get the best thing ever: someone else shampooing my hair. God I love it. I don't think you've ever done it and if not I probably didn't let you, sorry, you're just not tall enough to get the finger to crown action. I'd have to sit or something and shower sitting is a depression activity. I actually picked up where I left off in Revolutions while playing my daily game of Binding today. Learned about the bastille. Kind of love that one guy was like "yeah just kill me, this sucks" and the National Assembly said "bet", stabbed him, then shot at him. Yknow. Just in case. If that's not exactly what happened, keep in mind I was focused on killing crying bug making babies with my tears. I'm not sure why I'm writing out all my thoughts today. Maybe I'm lonely. My friend MG comes over tomorrow morning to hang out, and I should be worried about cleaning up, but honestly I just want to cancel. I came in here in such a good mood, so I guess either the cat killing comment or Paul thoughts made it change. You used to write about your day to me in excruciating detail and I took it for granted. I'm sorry. Mayhaps you'll do it again. My quote of the day today was by my favorite (I dunno whether to call him an author, artist or philosopher) guy, Anatole France. Do you know anything about him?

1517: barely made it to work. I got caught up in conversation about the British Barbados Irish and tobacco industry history with a nurse who was also getting her hair done. She is 40 years older than me, and the conversation was fascinating. Learned a lot. She also told me I "looked like I had a sadness inside me" and I "don't need to convince anyone to love me, I'm lovely". I laughed at it, because I've convinced literally everyone to keep me around in one way or another, so I'm not sure who the magical person that just loves me randomly is but maybe I should go out more to find them. I need to do homework for medical terminology, I'll write to you in a bit! I do feel bad for calling the woman an asshole, apparently she's a recovering addict and domestic abuse survivor. Not that that gives you a right to be an asshole, but makes me feel bad for saying that and then learning more about her later. Also saw a cop I worked with and had to ask him to move his squad car so I could get through my favorite alley. He told me I look like shit. I think it was a joke. He had a partner, someone I've never met or didn't recognize. Ps of course I have the aux at the salon

2205: went for a bike ride after work, little under 10 miles. Really no elevation difference. Listened exclusively to Fiona apple's "extraordinary machine", "paper bag" and the song "drown me" by a band that has Julie in it. It's on my summer playlist. My quads are screaming, and my abs are really sore. Sorry I didn't write at work, boss man was there for whatever reason and it feels weird to do non school/work things while being moderately monitored. I stopped by the river and noticed a mating pair of walking sticks. I scooted them off the trail. Then I noticed so so many more pairs of stickbugs like that. I think I stopped and helped 4 or 5, but saw many more squishedð??¥. Also saw mating ladybugs, and a ladybug landed on my tattoo, and made me sob very loudly and snotty about Paul(hence the sore abs{it was nearly 20 minutes of just heaving sobs}). I don't know why the ladybug triggered it, because cardinals are the symbol of a loved one visiting, I don't think ladybugs are. Lemme double check. Google says "They bring the assurance of good times ahead full of joyful living." Maybe Paul made it to heaven. He was very atheist but a good person as far as I knew him. I wish he'd told me he was dying. That seems like something you tell someone you were best friends with. Only one person wrote on his online obituaries. I wish I had the guts to write something. I wish I'd been the type to tell my friends I loved them back then. I really want to stop grieving him. The 18th will be a decade after he asked me how he'd look in ten years. I never answered and never thought it would be "dead as fuck, dude. Rotting away". I will say that crying for a while felt better than just thinking. Felt like the powers that be were sated by my display of emotions. If I can't fall asleep soon I'll just go to the gym and do the weird assisted pull ups and hip thrusts until I feel more physical pain than emotional.
You didn't reply to my message this morning.
You did just text me, I'll read it soon.
I don't know what the point of life is.
My Vietnamese is not getting better.
I am covered in bug bites.
Ronald Reagan is dead.
So is Paul.

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