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"Random Rhyme and Petty Prose"


Prologue
Dip, Dodge, and the Dictionary

By Bill Schott

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Two young men met in the library to begin research on a paper.

Dip: I don't even know where to start on this ASSignnent. See what I did there?

Dodge: Nothing?

Dip: What are we writing about?

Dodge: Does it matter? He never reads our work anyway.

Dip: Oh? You turn stuff in?

Dodge: For a grade; sure.

Dip: Let's have some fun with it. We'll pick random words from the DICKtionary and create a nonsensical report. If he passes us, we prove he sucks as a teacher and that we are smarter than half the people who come to school occasionally.

Dodge: You mean who come to school occasionally or being smarter than them occasionally.

Dip: Ding ding ding! What's the word of the day?

Dodge: Ding?

Dip: Occasionally.

Dodge: Like today?

Dip: Let's get started.


To be continued...

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 1
An Acrostic to Rule Them All

By Bill Schott

Aggregate unanalyzed utterings 
Needing review, forgiveness, and scuddering.

All of this poetry and 
Composition knowetry, and
Readable written communications,
Offered here with no explanation to
Support the personal
Theory that
I, without faking
Could complete such an undertaking.

Thoughtful and
Over-rated

Rhymes and syncopated 
Unrhymed verse
Lay in wait for
Eager perusers to partake.

Transcendental
Homilies,
Ethereal epiphanies, and much 
More will not be presented.

Attempts to find motive will
Likely end with
Loss of sleep for no reason.
 


Chapter 2
The Next Gender-ations

By Bill Schott

Androgyne is a he or she,
but which is not that clear to me;

Bigender will not settle for
identity of either/or.

Butch is a woman who is tough,
acts like a dude, sure enough.

Cisgender is the newest star,
boy or girl, just what you are.

Gender expansive draws no line
that any gender would define.

Genderfluids go with the flow
and never have to hear a 'No'.

Gender outlaw fights the rule,
thinks gender limits are so cruel.

Genderqueer is on the fence,
both hims and hers make perfect sense.

Masculine of center entities
have manly-leaning femininities.

Nonbinary don't accept
that him or her is all we get.

Omnigender, though dude or dame,
takes all comers as the same.

Polygender and pangender
will never see Return to Sender.

Transgender people have fully plunged,
and had their former sex expunged.

Two Spirits is a way to say
indigenous people who are gay.

This ends this orientation task;
aren't you so very glad you asked?

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 3
Mud Pie

By Bill Schott










wet dirt bakery

haiku, tanka, and renga

patted together

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 4
Monday is for Mowing

By Bill Schott


Larry rose on that Monday morning and looked out his bedroom window. The grass on his lawn reminded the man of a field of wheat. He could picture Laura Ingalls, from Little House on the Prairie, running down the hillside through the hip-high waves of grain.

Being Monday, Larry was scheduled to mow both the church lawn and his own. His own lawn had been ignored for two weeks and was now a probable three-pass cutting job. The church lawn had a team that took turns maintaining it and was likely better off without him.

Larry went back to bed.





 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 5
Type Until It's Poetry

By Bill Schott



I started typing Monday morning,
hoping that creativity might be
coaxed from its cave.

Noting that the coffee supplies were low,
I pondered whether someone else was
drinking my Joe.

A story about mowing the grass
appeared on my screen.
It reflected the reality of having
too many lawns to mow.

Posting it, I began on that
second allowable submission.
Rod Serling appeared and
began speaking to someone.

Someone said that the Detroit Tigers
lost yesterday's game to the Razorbacks.
I found that odd, since one was a
professional baseball team
and other a college team from Arkansas.

They actually lost to the Diamondbacks,
who are snakes, and also named after one.

Let's end with a quick rhyme:

Please forgive this random write,
I need to get more sleep at night.





 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 6
So Not

By Bill Schott



Beginning with no thoughts of where to go,
this "so not" sonnet sees a couple lines;
and that one reader out there reads with woe,
as this first stanza stabs like pitchfork tines.

Whatever would possess one to go on,
to suffer through lethargic lettered verse;
there are no cuddly kittens, duck in pond,
or weepy women waving at a hearse.

But here you are, perusing quatrain three,
with some slim hope that there is still a chance,
that words will disappear and you'll be free
to have your eyes and brains devoured by ants.

Here is the couplet that denotes the end;
I hope despite it all you are my friend.


 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 7
Star Trek Fan

By Bill Schott


Billy sat down on his uncle Ed's couch facing the television. He remembered the last time his family visited, the television was in another room. Ed's favorite show, Lassie, was playing. Billy remembered how amazing the show was in color. This was the first color TV he had been in the same room with. That was a neat experience, watching Lassie running in the super green fields under a super blue sky.

Now, however, it wasn't Lassie on the tube. Instead, an episode of a new show called Star Trek was showing. Nothing like it had ever crossed his eyes before, and it was in color.

The episode was called The Menagery.  This one show, he later found, was a mashup of the current series cast with the unseen first pilot episode, The Cage, and the cast that NBC had nixed. In a stroke of genius, in need of an additional episode that would be cheap to make, the series creator made two episodes out of one. That classic move has reached from 1966 to 2022, as Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, the latest iteration of the half-century long scenario, returns to those characters who never appeared in the original series more than that one time.

Only Star Trek fans would know or care about this latest addendum to the phenomenon of a television show about a utopian future, where all of Earth's problems had been solved, unlike the messy scene of the 1960s, or today, for that matter.

Back in 1966, all Billy knew, at the age of eleven, was that the starship Enterprise was on a five-year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations, and to boldly go where no man had gone before.



 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 8
Remember the Pelican Brief?

By Bill Schott















When John Grisham wrote his bestseller "The Pelican Brief" back in the twentieth century, it was high fiction that Supreme Court judges might be targeted for assassination in order to provide a legal opening for private industry to win a case as a result.

Now, as the United States senate has managed to maneuver justices into place to secure partisan decisions from that court, one can easily imagine that actually happening.

Fortunately for the Justices, most of the lunatics would likely be conservative sociopaths, so they're safe as long as they don't say something liberal.


 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 8
A Quick Count

By Bill Schott

I am the sixth child of six, making me the baby of the family. That came with both good and bad realities.

What was good was the total protection and catering that I experienced from my mother. This caused me to be despised by the others, especially my next older brother, who had been displaced by my arrival.

I've lost all of my siblings now, except my oldest sister, who is twelve years my senior. Those in between sought to be apart from family and on their own.

Ann, the eldest, left for the Army at age eighteen. This was during the Kennedy administration. I think she would have preferred the Peace Corps, but the commitment was longer. At the end of her two-year enlistment, she left the service, married, and had four boys. They rarely visit anyone -- from our family.

Leonard, the next oldest, left for engineering school, was drafted into the Vietnam War, married, and then rarely visited anyone. He passed from leukemia.

Muriel, third in line to the throne, married right out of high school. She divorced and married another man immediately. They moved to Alaska in the mid-seventies and never returned. She passed from malnutrition.

Robert, the juvenile delinquent of the family, married out of high school and began factory work to support his wife+. He passed from mesothelioma.

Albert, the next older from me, graduated from automotive engineering classes and moved to Alaska in the seventies. He died from complications from gangrene.

I expect my sister to outlive me, as she is a happy grandmother with a happy family.

My wife promises me I will die from either natural causes or an accident, whichever is more convincing.
 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 8
Unjestered

By Bill Schott


runny and ruddy

weary weeping clown's face melts

haunting harlequin


 


Chapter 9
Ten Days of Festivus

By Bill Schott


















On the tenth day of Festivus, I woke up in the street --
-- a sock full of oysters
-- a curtain for a diaper
-- piercings on my nipples
-- a pair of Mickey mittens
-- bow ties on my big toes
-- a tattoo of an eight-ball
-- an olive in my navel
-- Yul Brynner haircut
-- something up my nostril
and a policeman standing right in front of me.

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 10
Keeping Track of Star Trek

By Bill Schott

I have been a Star Trek fan since the sixties. The basic cast had the male Caucasian captain, male alien first/science officer, black female communications officer, male Scottish engineer, male Asian navigator, argumentative male medical officer, and male Russian helmsman.

That show eventually became known as "The Original Series" or TOS.

"The Next Generation" or TNG, replaced the young American captain with an older British man, playing a Frenchman. The first mate took on the young male American role, the science officer was now an alien, security officer a woman, the medical officer was female with a teenage genius son, the navigator was an android, and the engineer an Irishman.

The thrust during the series was that women are as powerful as men, aliens can be trusted friends, programs can become beings too, and worm holes can be both temporal and permanent.

The next incarnation of the series, "Deep Space 9", changed the setting from the Starship Enterprise to an intergalactic meeting place for political envoys. The captain, a black man, and the male medical officer were the only humans. The first officer and security officer were both female aliens, and a business operator was an alien too.

"Voyager" gave us a woman captain, Indigenous American male first officer, biracial male science officer (African American / Vulcan), biracial female security officer (Earthling/ Klingon), alien science officer and alien nurse, and a sentient hologram ship's doctor. The ship had gone through a worm hole and is stranded on the other side of the galaxy.

"Enterprise" checked out the pre-TOS Federation of Planets. The crew were all human with the exception of a female Vulcan first officer.

"Discovery" is also prior to the TOS timeframe and leads from there to another dimension and then to the far-flung future. The captain is a black female raised by Vulcans.

Currently, "Strange New Worlds" is based on a timeframe shown in one episode of TOS that has lasted in the minds of Trekkies for sixty years. The Caucasian captain has died in another timeline and knows that he has seven years to live. Many aspects of TOS are revisited, and some characters from the timeframe are re-emerging.

One has to be a real fan of the Star Trek theme, I think, to buy into the progression of these storylines.

Live long and prosper!


 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 11
Next

By Bill Schott



What day is this again?

The next.

Identified as cursed and

hexed.

Nerves on end and muscles

flexed.

Tomorrow's world is over-
sexed.

What day was that again?

The last.

Remembered only as the

past.

The lies we lived have now been

cast

in hexed sexed texts read very

fast.

 

 


Chapter 12
Keeping Track of Star Trek II:

By Bill Schott



I have recently been schooled on the finer elements of the Star Trek universe by one of our fellow Fanstorians. This person is obviously well-versed and deeply immersed in this topic and pointed out both my glaring errors and lack of proper descriptions of characters.

It reminded me of a conversation with my son-in-law when the topic of Star Wars came up. Once again, I presented myself as a fan and offered some of my knowledge of the movie series. Almost immediately, and with no mercy, I was inundated with characters, set details, backstories, nomenclatures of both Empire and Rebel weapons, and given a tour of a miniature Star Wars gallery of action figures, literature, and books on tape. This ended with my being shown tickets to the upcoming Motor City Comic Con.

I now realize that I am not a pimple on the ass of a true fan of anything.




 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 13
Five Pies

By Bill Schott


























Characters:
Announcer
Pippy Pounder
Cherry Filling
Barb Ru
Tammy Tart
Christiana Crust

The scene opens at a pie eating contest. Five women sit at a long table facing downstage. On the table in front of each woman is a puffed-up cream pie.

Announcer:  Welcome everyone to the fifteenth annual pie eating contest. One of these five young women will be the next Ms. Munch-a-lunch, and represent the county at the state fair.

Pippy Pounder: That will be me, Mr. Announcer.

Announcer:  Mr. Pacetree.

Pippy Pounder: Nope. My name is Pippy.

Announcer:  I meant that I was Mr. Pacetree.

Pippy Pounder: I meant it when I said my name is Pippy.

Cherry Filling: You should stop talking, Pippy. You sound dumbee.

Barb Ru: You mean she sounds dumb. There's no 'B' sound. It's silent.

Cherry Filling: The letter 'B' is silent? How come when we sing the alphabet song, we say bee?

Tammy Tart: Would my brother Bob be called 'ah'?

Barb Ru: No, no, no. The B is silent in that particular word; like plumber or comb.

Christiana Crust: There's a B in plumber? Where's it at?

Pippy Pounder: What does it matter? It's silent.

Cherry Filling: You need to spell it right. The B has to be where it's supposed to be in the word. 

Announcer:  Pie eaters -- prepare to eat.

Pippy Pounder: Ready, Freddy.

Announcer:  Mr. Pacetree.

Pippy Pounder: Nope. Still Pippy.

Cherry Filling: Ready.

Barb Ru: Ready.

Tammy Tart: Bready

Christiana Crust: Why'd you say Bready?

Tammy Tart: The B isn't silent.

Announcer:  Get set -- EAT !!

All five competitors jam their faces into the pie in front of them. There are slurping sounds, moaning, vaccuuming, and huge swallowing noises. Suddenly, Pippy Pounder pops. Pie pieces and parts of Pippy are pasted all over the place.

Cherry Filling: I think I'm going to be -- Bleeeaaacccc !! (undigested pie is spewed across the length of the table hitting everyone)

Barb Ru: I now have pie on my insides and outside. 

Tammy Tart: That's not just pie. There is a lot of Pippy there too.

Christiana Crust: I'm still hungry.

Announcer:  Pippy Pounder is disqualified.

Cherry Filling: So, who is the -- Bleeeaaacccc !!

Barb Ru: Thanks, I was not completely covered in pie puke and Pippy parts. You have completed me.

Tammy Tart: Who won, Mr. Pacetree?

Announcer:  Christiana Crust is the winner.

Christiana Crust: What do I win?

Announcer:  I really should call someone about Pippy.

Cherry Filling gurgles through the hands over her mouth as the sound of motoring flatulance is heard and she bounces on her seat.

Barb Ru: What's for dessert?

Tammy Tart: I wonder why Pippy popped.

Christiana Crust: Probably improper pie preparation.

All: Poor Pippy. 


The End



 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 14
Pies

By Bill Schott
















Some pies are baking

filled with dark blue blackbird brains;

'bout four and twenty.

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 15
Cut

By Bill Schott

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content.



























"We both saw it. Something that looked like a saucer was hovering above the barn."

"I don't know if that's what we saw, Chet."

"What?" Chet looked at Nel with alarm. He had just told the sheriff they had sighted an unidentified flying object while canoodling on a hay wagon parked in Nel's family's corn field.

"Of course, that's what we saw. What else looks like a flying - well - saucer?"

"It could have just been a weather balloon like those folks saw out there in Roswell," said the sheriff.

Nel looked at the sheriff a bit closer and turned towards Chet. "He doesn't look like a sheriff, Chet."

Chet took another look at the sheriff. No clothing, pencil-neck, big goofy eyeballs, and a star cut from paper with the word 'SHAREFF' hand-written on it and hanging around his neck with yarn.

"You know what, Nel? Maybe those were weather balloons we saw." Looking at the sheriff, "I'm sure it was. Hundred percent."

"Cut! Cut! Okay that will be all for this morning. Chet, make sure the property department takes in that waste band. You look like you've got a beer gut. Nel, terrific job, as always. See me in my trailer later. Bring sponges and a bottle of Snaphoolop."

"Hey, Chet!" called Fensillid, better known on set as the sheriff. "Listen, I know Nel's character sees that I'm not human, but, other than that, did Nel see something wrong with me?  Was my star crooked?"

"She didn't say anything to me, Fens. It may have been that big bulge between your legs."

Fensillid looked down. "Dick?"

The bulge opened up and a miniature version of Fensillid emerged. "You rang?"

"You'll need to sleep elsewhere when I'm filming. You are a distraction to others."

"I'll bet that whore Nel said something," accused Dick.

"Leave Nel out of this, Dick," said Chet.

"Zip it, Chet, or they will need to replace you with someone with a face."

"Okay, Dick," said Fensillid.  "Look, you need to chill. No one has to lose face."

"He sounded very threatening. I almost expectorated in my scrotum," said Chet.

 "No, Chet," said Dick. You cannot spit in your nut sack. How long have you been on Earth anyway?"

"Is this Earth? No wonder this play is so bad. I was supposed to be in Guys and Dolls on Europa."

"How are you this dumb, Chet?" asked Dick.

"I wish everyone would stop calling me Chet. My name is Repulsive."

"I wonder if Chet is on Europa?" thought Fensillid aloud. 

Dick laughed.  "He's probably spitting in his scrotum by now."

Everyone laughed. 

 


 


 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 16
August

By Bill Schott








 









August has arrived
 
past April snow and June drought

smoothing winter's way

 

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Chapter 17
A Sale of Souls

By Bill Schott


Huge house
made into a home
by a mother's hopes,
episcapol popes,
tonics, dopes,
and pipe dreams.

Sold by the last inhabitant.

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 18
Hunting the Witch #1

By Bill Schott



What-about-ism shines

as once again poor Trump whines

"Another witch hunt!"



Chapter 19
Hunting the Witch #2

By Bill Schott














 

     Fox News Fakes Foto

 louts looking for a new low

Need new name: Fakes News

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 20
English 12

By Bill Schott














Mr. Barker welcomed his class in for their first day of English 12.

"Glad you all made it through the summer. We will be doing a lot of writing this semester."

One student's hand snapped up.

"Yes, Ben?"

"Mr. Barker, I am so tired of writing stories and poems."

"None are required this period, Ben. You will be doing a lot of technical writing, however."

"Whew! I hate poetry. I also hate writing stories that are just made up."

"We will be reading one novel and responding to it."

"Please, don't let it be Frankenstein. I have had to read it every year in high school."

"What? Really? Every teacher made you read the same novel?"

"I had to read it in biology class. We read it in Women's Lit class. We read it in Consumer Laws class."

"Wow!" Well, you'll be happy to know we will not be reading it in this class."

"Please, don't let it be To Kill a Mockingbird. I had to read it in American Lit class. We read it in Civics class. We read it in Miss Newtron's Truman Capote class."

"Miss Newtron has a Truman Capote class?"

"It was an online summer restorative class. Breakfast at Tiffany's, In Cold Blood, and To Kill a Mockingbird, which she insists was almost totally co-written by Capote."

"Well, Ben, we will be reading 1984 by George Orwell."

"Why?"

"That, Ben, will become clear as we read and reflect. We will touch on totalitarianism and communism; the individual vs. the government; reality control; class struggle; sex --"

"Stop! You should have led with the sex."

"Noted."







 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 21
Sunday Night Poem

By Bill Schott


You write a poem on Sunday night

because somehow it just seems right,

but then there's noise and brilliant light;

your pencil hits the floor.

Nothing more.

 


Chapter 22
Sunday Night Poem 2

By Bill Schott


You drop a pencil when alarmed,

but fortunately no one's harmed;

the pencil was not sharp like a nail --

Oh yeah ... we're on our way to jail.


 


Chapter 23
Cy and I

By Bill Schott

 
 
 
 
I do know this guy;

always see things eye to eye.

One window to soul.
 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 24
Me and Cy

By Bill Schott

 
 
Winky N. Blinky,

that is how he is known.

His eye's on the prize.



 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 25
A Lesson Taught in Silence

By Bill Schott

My baby blues perceive the clues,

but nothing's news.

Within my view a loyal few

do what is due.

Tomorrow's sun will rise; we'll run

'til day is done.

My shaded eyes perceive no lies,

as daylight dies.
 









 

Author Notes Thanks to Cindy Sue Truman for use of image.


Chapter 26
Abecedarian

By Bill Schott

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Anytime someone plans on
being annoying or
clever --
Dang it!
Excuse me
for that. My PG-13 tourettes
gets started up and --
Hecuba!
It can be quite --
January 6th! --frustrating.
Kill! Kill! Kill! Krazy Kat! Kaiser Wilhem!
Luckily, it occurs
mostly at --
Night of the Living Dead!
On occasion,
particularly, just after midnight, when
questions of
rest and
sleep
tend to take center stage,
unnecessarily
verbose utterances occur.
Well, it goes without saying --
X!
Yes, I suppose there's no use trying to continue when it's obviously accomplishing
zero.
 

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 27
Funeral Parlor

By Bill Schott

 
Gabe hated funeral parlors, but he needed to say goodbye to his mom. He was pushing the limit on his plane's departure time, but knew it was important to make this stop.

Having called for a cab, he rode to the funeral home and asked the driver to stop there and wait for five minutes.

Jogging to the entrance, then walking through the front door, he asked about her, and was directed to the viewing room to the left.

He entered the room and headed towards a casket where people were gathered.

"Goodbye, Mom. My plane leaves in an hour."

A woman from within a crowd stepped towards him.

"I'm glad you could find a minute to say bye, Sweetheart. Sorry I couldn't get away. We're short staffed today."

"Love you, Mom. See you in the summer."

After hugging, Gabe walked quickly to his waiting cab.

Soon he would be back at school, completing his mortuary science degree.
 
 


 

Author Notes Thanks to Renate-Bertodi for use of the artwork.


Chapter 28
November

By Bill Schott


A new month begins,

as we leave the goblins

and prepare for the gobblin'

that is part of Thanksgiving.

Author Notes Thanks to VMarguarite for use of the artwork


Chapter 29
Mrs. J

By Bill Schott

 
A woman pulled an SUV into the service station. She exited the vehicle and joined the manager in his office. She sat in a straight-back chair across a desk from the man who sat in a comfortable-looking swiveling office chair.

"Hello, Mrs. Johnson; my name is Roger."

"Hi, Roger. I was hoping to get my oil changed."

"Absolutely, Ms. Johnathon, but I'm afraid there is a larger issue to deal with here."

"Johnson."

"Yes, of course. I'm Roger. Now, Mrs. Joanston, we noticed as you drove in that your front end shimmied a bit."

"Oh?"

"Yes. We recommend that we check your tire wear and do a frontend alignment."

"Really?"

"Also, Nate, our lead mechanic. noted that your exhaust sounded as though you had a hole in the muffler. We'll need to replace that as there are some strict noise regulations coming down the pike in the near future. Fines, forfeitures, and all kinds of expensive legal issues could erupt from having an unmuffled muffler."

"Amazing. It's fortunate that I pulled in when I did."

"It's all right, Mrs. Jackson; we are here to make it all better."

"What do you think all this will cost?"

"Well, while we've been talking, I checked your credit, and you can charge the whole recovery."

"How much would that be?"

"Tires, on sale, eight hundred; balancing and recycling is extra, of course."

"Huh?"

"Front end alignment runs two hundred. We would be replacing the entire exhaust system, of course, so the parts and labor will be close to an even thousand."

"How much is the oil change?"

"Would you want regular oil or the superior synthetic product?"

"I suppose the superior product should be used since I'm spending so much."

"Like the way you think, Ms. Jujubean. Super LubriCAN is twenty-five dollars a quart for the first five quarts, and half price for any more that should be necessary. A new oil filter is free -- well, relatively free -- ten bucks."

"Sold! Nice job, Roger."

"Thanks, Boss."

"Now remember: Never give a sucker an even break; if you can't make the up-sale. don't worry, there's another sucker born every minute."

"So, I got the name wrong enough times?"

"That was genius, Roger. The customer begins to think that they should consider a name change as well, since their name is somehow hard to remember."

"Great! Ah, what about the minivan?"

"Oh, you take it. I hotwired it and stole it from a parking lot on the other side of town. My chauffer will be here with the Rolls in a few minutes."

"Thanks for this opportunity, Boss."

"Call me Mrs. J."




 

Author Notes Thanks to USWA6346 for use of the image.


Chapter 30
Scene with Ged and Ned

By Bill Schott

 
 
Ned and his identical clone Ged are guests on a local morning television show. The host sits between them and all face forward.

Peach: Good morning world. Peach Pitt here with this morning's guests Ged and Ned Nuckledd.

Ned: Atchilly, I'm a Nuckledd. Ged there is mostly a C-rox copy.

Ged: I too am considered a Nuckledd, though I do not embrace the title as vigorously as Ned.

Peach: Fascinating. So Ned, why do you have a clone?

Ned: Well, Pitch --

Peach: Peach.

Ned: No thank ya, Pitch. I had bananer for I got here.

Ged: No, Ned. He is saying that his name is Peach, not Pitch. P-P- Peach like each, not P-P-Pitch, like an itch.:

Ned: Well then, P-P-Peach it is.

Peach: Just Peach would be fine. So, Ned, why do you have a clone?

Ned: It's got a lot ta do wit DED.

Peach: DED? You mean Death?

Ned: Nope, not a'tall. Death is when yer dyin'. DED is a feller.

Ged: He's the Angel of Death.

Peach: So, DED is Death.

Ned: I dun think we're commutatatin' here, Patch.

Peach: Peach.

Ned: Oh yeah -- P-P-Peach.

Ged: So DED lets Ned know his number is coming up and he'll be dead soon.

Peach: Ned will become DED?

Ned: Hey, wouldn't that be a hoot.

Ged: Ghastly thought, but no. Dead like DOA dead.

Peach: So, Ned, you were marked for death?

Ned: Right. So, a cousin a mine, Hed O'daklas, makes me a clone.

Ged: That's me.

Peach: So, you are Ned 2.0.

Ned: No, he's Ged.

Ged: I am known as a general equivalency dude. No, I had nothing to do with the name.

Peach: So, what happened?

Ned: What was s'posed ta happen was DED would show up and take Ged here astead a me.

Ged: I, of course, was unaware of this plan.

Peach: So why didn't DED, take you?

Ned: Seems there was this utter dude whose name was Ned Nuckledd too. He lived over in the next county.

Peach: Imagine that! Another Ned.

Ned: Heck, he might be a clone too.

Ged: Perhaps you were his clone.

Peach: So, folks. There you have it. The Angel of Death gives warnings, Ged is a clone, and
Ned ate a banana.
 
 


Chapter 31
Robot Saves the Day

By Bill Schott

 
 
Felister Monbal made a few final adjustments to Robot. His orders were to prepare it for transportation to Earth.

"FM, the excelavator is ready for slipping," said his assistant, Morgram Weem.

"Robot is ready as well, MW. Send it."

Collecting robot, Morgram wheeled it over to the transportation device.

"Good luck, Robot," said Morgram.

Robot, which had a humanoid form, moved its head slightly in Morgram's direction. Its arm raised and a speaker appeared in its palm.

"Luck is a chaos element which does not affect robot performance. All that I will do is programed and prepared to exceed all possible scenarios."

"You are what Earth needs, Robot. Your arrival will allow us to reset and proceed."

Morgram waved his hand over the initiator.

Robot vanished. At the same time, on Earth, it arrived -- and detonated.
 
 







 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 32
Robot Paves the Way

By Bill Schott

 
Scanning of the planet Earth revealed no lifeforms on the surface. Felister Monbal, FM, engineering director and chief fabricator, prepared Robot to perform multiple deep scans to assure there would be no credible deterrents to terraforming. He knew Robot could accomplish the mission, which would include the deepest reaches of the oceans, within two cycles of the planet's moon.

Morgram Weem, MW, assistant director and chief transportation engineer, finished checks of the excelavator. The device prepared transportable contents for slipstreaming, which would alter the molecular exterior for a micro-second. This change allowed for lightspeed delivery of noncorporeal matter.

"Ready for slipping," said MW.

"Let us proceed."

Collecting Robot, MW maneuvered it to the excelavator.

"Good luck, Robot," said MW.

Robot raised its arm and spoke through a palm-installed speaker.

"Epistemological evidence has proven such philosophical positing to be in opposition to erudition."

"Then, go with God," said MW, as he passed his hand over the initiator.

With the sound of an exhale, Robot blinked away.

"It's gone, FM."

FM stepped across the room and stood before MW.

"Did I hear you say, 'Go with God'?"

"When?"

"Just now -- speaking to Robot."

"Just now?"

"What did you say to Robot?"

MW read the concern in FM's face. He pondered the ramifications of his answer.

"I wished it luck."
 

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 33
Robot On the Ground

By Bill Schott

 
An equatorial landing placed Robot 3.7 kilometers beneath the Pacific Ocean in what had been known as the Mariana Trench. Within days, while employing sonar and seismic probing, Robot traversed to Molly Deep of the Arctic Ocean, Puerto Rico Trench of the Atlantic Ocean, South Sandwich Trench of the Southern Ocean, the Diamantina Trench of the Indian Ocean. From those points, fanning 360 degrees, Robot found no life beneath the ocean floor or across the silent seas.

Breaking the surface, Robot projected a force field trapping ambient gases within a two-million-liter bubble. All gas except helium was then expelled, resulting in a lifting of Robot from the water and above the terrain.
 
Piloting across the continents, Robot scanned with every frequency available. Nothing caused a return signal. 
 
Having completed the global scan, Robot transmitted the data. 
 
Then -- a ping.
 
 
 
 
 



 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 34
Robots

By Bill Schott

 
 
Robot narrowed and widened the frequency of its scan to facilitate a more accurate location for the item identified. A metric grid was eventually found where the life force was standing.

Robot disengaged the force field, releasing the lifting gases, and lowered itself to the ground using tiny boosters.

There, standing next to a huge statue of a man, was the surviving robot.
 
"How was annihilation of Robot avoided?" 
 
"Luck," said the surviving robot.
 
After analyzing for a microsecond, Robot spoke.
 
"There is no solution to the calculus without the use of the variable element," said the survivor.
 
"Robots have completed the initial and seconary phases of reconfiguration," said Robot.
 
"The final phase requires the dissolution of robots, which will release the genetic materials within." 
 
"Robots to terminate in ten seconds."
 
As the last second ticked away, Robot said, "Go with God."
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes This ending was much more complex, but the combination of computer glitches causing text losses, and a real lack of following for the story anyway, I have brought it to a close.


Chapter 35
Robot Legacy

By Bill Schott

Balka Fee, BF, project coordinator and task supervisor, examined the data from the progress of terraforming the prospect planet, Earth. A review of hundreds of scans revealed life had taken hold and was spreading across the surface and reaching the depths of the oceans.

Raising her gaze to the left corner of the data screen, the image switched to that of a man, suspended by thousands of fibers, as perhaps a spider may have held a trapped insect at the center of an otherwise empty web, within a darkened cubical.

Felister Monbal, FM, former engineering director and chief fabricator for the reformation processes on the planet Earth, was undergoing the cleansing and recalibration phase.

The man's body, made featureless by a bio-skin which enveloped his frame, vibrated like the gyrations of a button at the center of a child's string toy.

Morgram Weem, MW, former assistant director and chief transportation engineer for the reformation processes, witnessed the reorientation of the director, and pondered how he might bypass that "re-tooling" and continue with his current mind and general constitution.

Immediately after the robots had been deployed to Earth, FM had generated a message to the project coordinator, BF, suggesting that MW may have introduced a radical element to the robot subroutines.

This message was sent immediately, with the slight secondary adjustment of having the perpetrator's and accuser's names reversed, and rerouted electronically to seem to have originated from MW, rather than FM.
 
Empathy for his colleague, presently undergoing what might be called a re-filling procedure, was tempered with the knowledge that, if not for his practical pre-strike message editing, it would be him receiving the coordinator's remedial indoctrination.
 
A pulse began at MW's temple, signifying a message from the coordinator.
 
"Yes, BF. How may I be of assistance?"
 
"Two more robots will be required. What do you need to be effective?"
 
"Will FM be available as an assistant?"
 
"Perhaps, eventually. His immediate use would be as a block to wind or sunlight."
 
"Is there another person you would suggest?"
 
Balka Fee considered momentarily, then cleared her throat. 
 
"I have an experimental cybernetic humanoid that may prove useful in the interim."
 
MW looked out into the emptiness, past the suspended effigy of his former superior, and smiled.
 
 
 

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 36
Buying a Present

By Bill Schott

 
I went to the bank to withdraw money for Christmas presents. I knew what everyone wanted, so I got enough to cover it all.

My wife wanted new clothes. My history with buying her clothing was abominable. I asked my daughter for help. She offered to use my credit card and shop. I handed it over.

Our oldest son and his family were easy. Cash is king.

The youngest son was just as easy. He wanted cards for gas and food.

Funny thing is my daughter didn't want anything.

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 37
Run Through

By Bill Schott

 
 
Dave patted the pockets of his overcoat. He assured himself again that the gun, knife, garrote, and grenade were there.

Entering the office door, he saw his three partners sitting about, enjoying the amenities that a successful business could afford.

Of course, the business was not successful, as the partners' spending outpaced their profits. They were about to file for bankruptcy.

The business had been doing well before Dave allowed his old college friends in to help expand. Instead, they partied, invested poorly, and embezzled the rest.

Pulling a .38 from his right coat pocket, Dave shot each partner in one of their knees. As they screamed in agony from the floor, he withdrew the other items from his coat.

Alan, who had invested in pork bellies during a porcine plague, was first. A bullet to his abdomen sent him further to the floor. Dave garroted him as the others watched in astonishment.

Next, Dave shot Barry in the breadbasket. While he struggled on the floor,
Dave pulled a knife across the man's throat. Blood painted the office.

Collin was to be throat-cut as well, but Dave sensed that armed officers were on their way. Collin received another bullet to his heart.

Now to Dave, who had caused all of this misery by trying to help his friends do what he had done, make it.

Producing a grenade from his pocket, Dave pulled the pin to ignite the fuse, then counted until the blast.

Dave woke suddenly. He was drenched with sweat. He had fallen asleep in his car outside his office building.

Exiting the car, he headed to the elevator and rode it to the fifth floor where he then walked to his office. Before entering, he patted his coat pockets on his overcoat.
 

 


Chapter 38
Richard

By Bill Schott

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Dick sat in the public library scribbling on a new writing pad. First, he drew circles, then triangles, and soon long thin lines.

His friend Gina saw him and stopped by.

"Working on a new story, Dickie?"

"Wasting time and paper mostly," he replied.

"What if I tell you about my day, and you take notes and see where it leads?"

"Sure."

"Okay," she began, "first I woke up between Cindy and Charlotte at Carl's place. Then --"

"Wait! Back up. You woke up BETWEEN Cindy and Charlotte?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Dick smiled and hunched.

"So, then I took a quick shower with Carl and --"

"Hold up! You showered with Carl -- Charlotte and Cindy's brother?"

"No. Carl, senior. I doubt that Carl junior showers unless it's after football practice."

"Whew! OMG, Gina! I am seeing you in an entirely different light."

"Neat! Turn that light onto that paper and punch out a story."

"Yeah! Right! I am hot to get going now!"

"Good. Glad I could help."

Gina headed off to a study group further in the library.

After thirty minutes, Dick's friend Rosey stopped by the table.

"Working on a new story, Dickie?"

"Yeah! Do you want to listen to what I've written so far?"

"You bet!" she replied.

He begins reading: "Richard woke up on the floor between Cindy and Charlotte, who were asleep in their twin beds. He scampered to the shower, where his master scrubbed him with soap and water, and brushed out his hair. Later, Carl walked with him in the park and tossed a stick to fetch."

"So, this is for the kid market, huh?"

"You think?"

"Sure. So, why did you call the dog Richard?"

"Dog?"













 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 39
Widow

By Bill Schott

Sam knocked on the green door. He waited fifteen seconds, then knocked a second time.

After about the same amount of time, the peep hole opened. Two seconds later, it closed.

A minute elapsed and nothing happened.

Sam knocked on the door again. The bedroom window above where he was standing, opened. A woman leaned out with a bucket and poured a dousing of water on Sam.

Another fellow strolled by and saw Sam standing there.

"Why are you trying to get the widow to open her door?"

"I want to share the Lord's message with her, Brother," answered Sam.

"If I were you, I'd pass this one by and take your chances at the fight club."

"I've nothing to fear, sir. I am wearing the armor of God."

"Okay, Parson. Just know that the armor of God is good against Satan, but even he wouldn't mess with Widow Maycurr."






 

Author Notes Thanks to Nancy J Wood for use of the image.


Chapter 40
Chainsaw Chase

By Bill Schott

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Gladys wiped sweat from her face as she pulled the golf bag and wheeled frame along the rough pathway through the wooded area. She had "borrowed" the cart from her neighbor, and inserted the chainsaw.

Upon reaching the opening and the first hole tee-off area, she saw Agnus, a chainsaw hanging from her shoulder like an acoustic guitar, standing next to 3 x 9 foot banner that read:
 
CHAINSAW CHASE !!!
Paul Buntan Putt Putt
Begins at 6 a.m.
Ends when the last player stands on the second hole.

On the other side of the banner stood Claudia, the former "bearded man" and now one-armed wallpaperist. His chainsaw was held with duct tape to a two-wheeled cart, which was secured to his waist by a length of clothesline rope.

Five other people had arrived and were selecting available chainsaws from a pile on the ground next to the pencil and pad booth.

There was Insane Dwayne, a traveling one-hand nurse; Rocket Nostril, public detective and long-order cook; Charlotte Tuna, the fishmonger's wife; Love Boat, the professional rowboat escort, and The Man Who Shall Not Be Named.

At six o'clock, all who showed up were numbered and given directions by the grounds keeper of the Paul Bunyan Putt Putt.

It would be Claudia to first jog off for the second postion with the intention of felling the potted sapling placed over the hole. He would be followed by Dwayne, ten seconds later, who would attempt to catch him, eliminate him, and continue on to cut down the small tree. Rocket Nostril, Charlotte, Love Boat, Gladys, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named, and Agnus would follow in turn.

A whistle blew and the participants trotted off every ten seconds until all had left and were enroute to the Clown Face second hole.

Claudia had been running with her chainsaw in her hand, continuing to rev the motor in anticipation of another runner trying to pass her. As Dwayne neared her, he dodged to his left and allowed Rocket Nostril to pass him. Looking back and laughing, Rocket Nostril didn't see Claudia's chainsaw blade swinging around. His head flew off like a cork leaving a bottle of champagne. Claudia's joy was short-lived, as Charlotte Tuna struck her between her neck and shoulder, chain finding purchase, and continuing a downward bisection of the split competitor.

Charlotte then spun around in anticipation of an attacker. She was met by both Love Boat and Gladys, who had decided to double-team the fishmonger's widow. Two blades passed through Charlotte's midsection, leaving her to fall in halves.

The ad hoc teaming quickly ended as both Love Boat and Gladys crossed chainsaw blades.

Passing them, Agnus high-stepped like a football player running for a touchdown, and performed a downward diagonal slash across Dwayne's chest. Spiraling around, Dwayne swung his chainsaw into the woman's ankles, separating her feet from her legs.
 
Love Boat and Agnus both received calls on their devices. Checking with each other, they dropped their chainsaws and simply sped off in different directions.

As all others lay injured or dead, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named strolled up to the potted tree on the second hole sitting in front of the huge clown head. He had never grabbed a chainsaw.

Choosing to spare the sapling, The Man Who Shall Not Be Named took it with him.

Once in the parking lot, he got into The Car That Will Not Be Named and headed out to the access road. He waited for a city bus to pass which had an advertisement on the side which read:
 
HOT POTATO HAND GRENADES!!


 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 41
Pondering

By Bill Schott

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Pondering the milk-bottle tulip,

I think of cows and windmills;

I've thought of roses on pianos,

comedians in the Catskills.


Pondering the milk-bottle tulip,

Kool-aid poured in paper cups;

"Five cents each" on notebook paper,

and dozing dachshund pups.
 

Author Notes Thanks to Renate-Bertodi for use of the artwork.


Chapter 42
Hot Potato Hand Grenades

By Bill Schott

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
OoAh O'brian, local National Guardsman, had taken the steps, rather than using the ski lift, to get to the top of the Bunny Slope at the Mount Holly Ski Resort.

Once there, he saw Agnus, a housewife, skis attached to where her feet used to be. He recalls reading she had been hobbled at the Chainsaw Chase, having had both feet severed by a dying blow from a competitor.

Standing next to her was Love Boat, the professional rowboat escort, and JoJo, former doormat to the world. The pair had been surgically attached at the hips and appeared to be the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum of the game.

Those two stood beside an electronic sign which read:

                             HOT POTATO HAND GRENADES!!
                                     Mount Holly Bunny Slope
                                             Begins at 6 a.m.
                             Ends when the last grenade explodes.

On the other side of the sign was Illinois Smith, a professional metal-on-the-beach finder. He stood next to Kaleidoscope and Nevermore, a salt-and-pepper couple who were, of course, wearing salt-and-pepper shaker costumes.

Instructions had been delivered at the bottom of the hill. The Potato Passers would leave together on the downhill race. Meanwhile, each would ski next to another contestant and both would have to exchange grenades by throwing and catching each other's. All participants would have to exchange grenades at least once on the way down the slope. Only one grenade was a dud, all others would explode within five seconds of having the fuse ignited.

Once at the bottom, the grenade which each player held would have the pin pulled. The grenade would then be tossed to someone else, who was obligated to catch it.

Having accomplished that, all skiers would speed away from the crowd and receive their fate.

A whistle was blown and all participants began the downhill descent.

OoAh moved close to Agnus and tossed his grenade. She caught it while throwing hers behind her back making the guardsman lean back to catch it. He fell back and then began tumbling down the hill.

JoJo and Love Boat simply juggled their two grenades between each other as they careened downward.

Illinois Smith slid over to the couple dressed like seasonings and tossed his grenade to them. Kaleidoscope caught it, then both she and Nevermore threw theirs back to him. Smith, not knowing what else to do, caught both.

The bottom of the hill arrived quickly, and each player pulled his/her pin or pins, and then raced off in opposite directions.

The first grenade to ignite was the one shared by Kaleidoscope and Nevermore. Salt and pepper went everywhere.

Smith's grenades went next; one after the other. Bystanders agreed that one did the job. The second was loud but essentially unaffecting.

OoAh O'brian's grenade blew, and the guardsman was dismissed.

While Agnus held her grenade, it occurred to her that the idea should have been that only one grenade would be live, and the others duds. Her thoughts joined the rest of her body parts on the snow.

Jo Jo and Love Boat realized that one of them had won. After the explosion, the dud was found in Jo Jo's hand; which was eventually found.

Having no one to collect the grand prize of free lunch at the food kitchen, it was donated to others less --uh -- more fortunate.

 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 43
Your Brain on Procreation

By Bill Schott


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Conrad's father called him into the kitchen.

"Hey, Pop, what's for dinner?"

"Look at this, Con."

The man shows his son a frying pan.

"Wow, that's amazing, Dad."

"Okay, Wiseguy. Watch what I do."

Conrad's dad sets the frying pan on the stove, then cracks an egg into it.

"Isn't that my brain on drugs?"

"No, it is an egg."

"Well, thank you, Dad. I have learned a lot."

"Okay, just shut up and listen. This is the egg that a woman generates when she is ovulating."

"Man! It's big!"

"Right. Okay, here's the egg. Then, here comes your sperm."

The man tosses in a handful of shrimp, fashioned to look like spermatozoa.

"Yeah! My sperm are colossal!" shouts the boy.

"Okay, okay, Con. Here's my point. This is how babies are made."

"I think we do it different now, Dad."

Conrad's dad looks at the boy, and then turns the burner on.

"Did you learn anything here, Con?"

"Sure, Dad. Shrimp omelets for dinner."
 

Author Notes Thanks to martin smith images for use of the image.


Chapter 44
Plates

By Bill Schott


Andrew Babcock collected dishes. He, at the end of his life, had gathered one copy of every style of dish in the world, except one. His grandson searched the world and located that last dish. Once acquired, it was added to the others, and his grandfather's collection was finally comPLATE.
 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 45
A One Hundred Word Poem

By Bill Schott


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sometimes the contests become rather odd,

requiring the Devil, turkey bacon, and God;

with those three items in any known frame,

use unusual meter and give it a name.


The Devil went down to Terre Haute,

looking for some discount veal;

someone sold him a pig in a poke,

this scam made the poor Devil squeal.


Then God intervened with poultry bacon,

"Look at all the fuss you're makin';

You won't need to whine like a wee little boy,

eat this fake bacon, made from turkey or soy."

 
When you reach one hundred words, my friend,

then you will simply end.
 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 46
Winning

By Bill Schott

Kenny shook the dice as he shouted, "Mama needs a new pair of shoes!"

"Wait!" yelled Paul. "If your mother needs shoes, why are you here?"

"Just an expression. Relax."

Kenny threw the dice. They rolled across the table and stopped in front of a shocked Paul.

Kenny screamed, "Yahtzee!"

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 47
Candlestick

By Bill Schott


Everyone had a weapon of some kind in his or her hand. Mrs. White had a pastry knife in the auditorium. Colonel Mustard dragged a noose around the library.

When the police final arrived, every one had disposed of those weapons and dressed up like the cast of "Cats".

I was arrested for murder. I am, of course, innocent. It was only a game.

Author Notes Image from Google.


Chapter 48
Awoke

By Bill Schott

 
 
The fever broke and a man awoke, who rose from his sweat-wet bed.
He could see through the walls -- through the windows, by using the eyes in his head.

Every motion, every notion, every nuance, seemed a new revelation come alive. Each step would be the future; each fall, a chance to rise.

Opening the door on a world to explore, he swore to do more than before.



 

Author Notes Thanks to Renate-Bertodi for use of the art


Chapter 49
March is In

By Bill Schott


March has decided,

as months sometimes do,

to come in as the lioness shrew;

With weather deemed better

for arctic display,

we are all frozen today.


Chapter 50
Solved

By Bill Schott


Inspector Clare surveyed the murder scene. The man on the floor had holes in his chest.

"Do you think that's what killed him, Inspector?" asked the patrolman, pointing at the bloody perforations.

"Well, Rookie, I don't know exactly, but witnesses say he was alive earlier and had no holes there."
 


Chapter 51
Silent Stage

By Bill Schott


Translucent clouds veil the harvest moon as it illuminates the park playground this evening.

Shadows of the still structures are joined by a creeping specter, slinking past the merry-go-round, beneath the teeter-totter, between the swings, and near the metal slide.

This feral feline pauses in the center of the sawdust circle, appearing as a panther, preparing to pounce on some nocturnal nosh.

Mouse movement ignites the night and the chase is on. The scene again is a silent stage of frozen potential frolic.
 


Chapter 52
JJ DiD TiE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott


 
There are many tests of leadership; however, most already know that it isn't talking the talk, but walking the walk that determines a leader.

Leadership traits can be observed and evaluated as we go about our normal lives. We each can display one or all of these traits as we interact with both our peers and subordinates.

To recall fourteen distinct leadership traits, this pneumonic device can be used as a tool. JJ DID TIE BUCKLE. Developing these traits is an essential part of organized leadership training in the armed forces, where good leaders establish order, maintain discipline, and positively influence others.
 
In the postings that follow, I will expand on the concepts of Justice, Judgement, Decisiveness, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.
 
Let me leave you with this leadership-related quote:
 

“Leadership is the art of getting others to do something you want done because they want to do it.”

            -- Dwight Eisenhower

 
 

Author Notes The pneumonic device, JJDIDTIEBUCKLE, is used by the USMC for all leadership training.


Chapter 53
Justice JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

In the postings that follow, I will expand on the concepts of Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.
 
The first of these leadership traits to be examined is JUSTICE.

To understand justice, one simply needs to experience injustice. Then, the hard part begins -- being just.

Justice is the practice of being fair and consistent. A just person gives consideration to all sides of an argument or situation and bases positive or punitive actions on merit.

A just leader is honest with him or herself about why he/she makes a particular decision. Avoiding favoritism and being fair at all times helps a good leader develop decision-making standards in an equal manner.

It is easily observed when we punish some while letting others slide. Our having a bad day or being in good spirits may affect our response, which will then be up to other's perception as to whether we acted justly or with prejudice.

A level head and hand must always be present when both applying praise or corrective actions.

An example might be if I am in charge of attendance at a function. I might be given instructions to note and discipline those who are tardy or absent. If I do not apply equal discipline for my friends as I would anyone else, my sense of justice is askew.




 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 54
Judgement JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

 
In this and succeeding essays, I will expound on the traits of leadership. Those concepts are Justice (previously addressed), Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

The next leadership trait to be examined is JUDGEMENT

Judgement is about making good decisions.  Thinking clearly and calmly, one can hopefully eliminate a myriad of bad decisions.

Approaching problems with a common sense attitude helps us avoid rash actions.
 
I know we sometimes can achieve a positive decision by imagining the negative. One of the definitions of Murphy's Law is that if something can go wrong, it will. Therefore, we plan accordingly, with an expectation of and counter to any perceivable problems. 
 
There are impediments to good judgement. They can be as extreme as drugs and alcohol, or as seemingly simple as mood or immediate perception of a situation.
 
People often make poor decisions simply through ignorance. We sometimes react to situations without weighing the outcomes against the current state of affairs. Perhaps we use a sledgehammer to address a problem better finessed with a tinker's mallet.
 
Judgement is what we call on from our courts. When we take incidents and circumstances to receive a legal judgement, we expect our common laws and their enforcement to save the day. 
 
Prejudice rears its ugly head when we decide to evaluate a person or issue with our preconceived notions about them. Persons, or whole groups of people, may be given short shrift as we view them in a negative light in advance of even meeting them.
 
I have seen my prejudice rise up when I have decisions involving selecting people for tasks, or when making value judgements about overall dependability.  
 
Fortunately, I am aware of feelings ingrained in my psyche from childhood, and can measure them against my personal experience.  Another person's gender, race, age, or community may, at first blush, seem important to making a decision about his/her abilities. After many years, we understand that people are individuals and not cut from the same cloth. 
 
Good judgement serves us in our jobs, interactions with others, and long-range planning.
 

Author Notes Image from Google

Judgement is spelled with the E in the US


Chapter 55
Dependability JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

I know of fourteen traits of leadership. They are Justice, Judgement (previously addressed), Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

Unpacking dependability, referring to a leader, we can see a huge part of our personal value to others lies here.  Knowing one can be relied upon to perform positively, evokes trust.  It means that you can complete a job. It is the willing and voluntary support of the policies which maintains order.
 
Dependability also means we can be expected to perform at our highest level.  Consistency helps those who evaluate our value to see us as a reliable asset.  We look for the same in others. When a person is a known quantity, much can be expected, and confidence of success is always high.

We can increase our dependability by forming the habit of being on time, by not making excuses, and by carrying out a job to our best ability -- and expecting that from others.
 
I have found personally that whether a leader is stern and grumpy, or relaxed and pleasant, his or her consistency and expectations of me, allow me to know and attempt to meet or exceed them.
 

"Reliability creates credibility, and is the precondition for trust.”  Anonymous

 
 

Author Notes Quote from Google


Chapter 56
Initiative JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott


 
Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability (previously addressed), Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.
 
 
Of the fourteen leadership traits, initiative is the one that will decide who is a follower and who is ready for more. Initiative is taking action even though you haven't been specifically told, but know it needs to be done. When we can meet new and unexpected situations with an immediate and expedient response, possibly without the normal material or methods being available to us, we are ready to be in front.

To improve initiative, one can work on staying mentally and physically alert. Be aware of things that need to be done and then to do them without having to be told.

Situational awareness and how things operate add to our ability to independently take action, in lieu of orders, to gain advantage in reaching a group goal when an unforeseen opportunity appears.

In its simplest form, initiative allows that something that is supposed to be accomplished by someone else, but hasn't been, will be taken care of, and not ignored.

I am reminded of the old story of Whose Job is it Anyway?

There were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

Ironically, Nobody showed initiative, though it wasn't his/her job, to make sure it was done anyway.
 
 

Author Notes Story, "Whose Job?" found on www.lollydaskal.com/leadership/story-everybody-somebody-anybody-nobody/


Chapter 57
Decisiveness JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott


Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative (previously addressed), Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

Decisiveness means that you are able to make good decisions fast. Once facts and consequences are known, or enough can be assumed to qualify action, it is taken.  
 
Decisionmaking is always up for armchair analysis and Monday-morning quarterbacking, but someone will have to make that move. Inaction is not an option. 
 
People do make wrong decisions, of course. However, history tells us that even wrong decisions, made for legimate reasons with available data, are better than doing nothing.
 
Wishy washy people will never be seen as leaders. Making decisions expediently, and being confident in them, allows others to be confident as well.
 
I would say that there are a few items to know in order to be a more decisive leader:
 
1. Knowing your objective?
2. What assets do you have or need to be effective?
3. When does it need to be accomplished?
4. How will you do it?
5. What would failure look like?
 
Sometimes we have to decide important things with limited information. When this happens, which is often, then the leader needs to select a course of action and support it to the fullest. He/she needs to expect support and enthusiasm from everyone.
 
When it's just me, or it's just you, the decisions we make affect only us. When our decisions affect others who are depending on us, we need to be right.
 
Decisions will always be made; some will decide everything that follows:
 
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
 ...Robert Frost
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes Quote from Frost's "The Road Not Taken"


Chapter 58
Tact JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness (previously addressed), Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.
 
Tact is about dealing with people politely, calmly, firmly, and essentially treating others as you would like to be treated.
 
This is another trait that is easier to understand when it is absent.  A tactless individual does not consider how his/her words are perceived or how they may negatively affect another person.
 
Leadership often requires correcting others actions as part of mentoring. 
 
If someone is often tardy to work, what would you say to them? This depends, perhaps, on how well you know this person. Generally though, corrective actions need to be applied with professionalism, which maintains respect for and value of the individual. 
 
Does the person know when to be at work? Is there a legitimate reason for frequent tardiness? What can the person do to fix the problem? With this approach, the sense of value is maintained.
 
Sarcasm may be a good release of tensions with friends, but should never be used when trying to fix a problem with people who work with or for you. This tactless maneuver will only create a sense of cynicism and possibly instill contempt.  
 
If we correct someone in public, and they are not in a position to argue, they may be humiliated and set up a personal defense which works against group goals.
 
I have always thought that Drill Instructors possess a strange humor which lends itself to tactlessness. If anyone has seen the boot camp scenes from either "The Boys in Company C" or "Full Metal Jacket", the portrayal of the tactless drill instructors tells it all.
 
Those men and women may not feel tact is a luxury they can afford to apply in their training of future combatants and career military.  
 
In cooler positions, tactfulness is appreciated and encouraged.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes Image from Google.


Chapter 59
Integrity JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact (previously addressed), Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

Integrity speaks to a person's character, honesty, and moral principles.
 
Simply put, people want to know that your "Yes" is yes and your "No" is no. 
 
As part of our character, we can project forthrightness that doesn't suffer fools. People will know that what we promise, we deliver, no matter what.
 
Integrity is a precious commodity that is so easy to lose, but so very difficult to get back, in the eyes of your peers.  Once what you say cannot be taken on its face, then distrust has a seat at the table.
 
We learn this as children through the simple tale of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". Once he was found to be a liar, he was never trusted, even when he told the truth.
 
You remember the girl who cheated off your paper in class? She became an honors graduate. Remember the guy who punched holes in his rifle qualification target to rise from unqualified to marksman? How about your local used car salesman? All of these examples of lack of integrity stick in our minds. We are repulsed by it. 
 
Recent events seem to have removed integrity from the calculus of being fit for public office. This is unfortunate, since the position that honesty held in success has been supplanted with deception for the reason that the good guys finish last.
 
Like any good con man, the liar will "die with the lie", never allowing that it was that.  It has been made easier when the liar is supported and promoted by those who need a liar to succeed.
 
Well, that went off the rails quickly. Let's get back to the generic application of the trait of integrity.
 
"Do as I say, not as I do" is another old chestnut that still proves a point today. Leaders should not expect their subordinates to keep standards the leader does not. 
 
Basically, people want to know that what they see is what they get.
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes Image is from Google


Chapter 60
Endurance JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity (previously addressed), Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

Our heroes may be fictional, or in the other room, but they all share qualities we admire.  One of those is endurance.
 
What separates a job being done, despite duress caused by evolving priorities, a moving target, and an unproven timeline, is endurance.  
 
Once in a leadership role, gone are the days of sobbing until pity arrives to relieve you. If something must get done, it must get done, even without the proper resources or best situation.  A leader will do what is needed to accomplish the task.
 
It takes mental and physical stamina to deliver what cannot be left to others.  A good leader will ensure he/she is well rested, healthy, and exercising to raise endurance and reduce stress. 
 
Imagine a hero in battle: wounded, weak, outnumbered.  The fighting continues until victory is won, or the ultimate price is paid.
 
These heroes are all around us in some degree or another. Whoever puts a bicycle together at two a.m. Christmas morning so it will be assembled when the children wake -- endures. The person who changes your flat tire, at night, on the side of the road, in the rain -- endures. The parents who work two or three jobs to provide for their family -- endure. Let's not forget the caregivers, who battle compassion fatigue to continually provide the assistance that must be rendered.
 
Endurance wins races, battles, campaigns; it separates the winner from the also-ran.
 
Searching for an apt quote I have discovered too many to choose the best.  This speech from Henry V, as written by William Shakespeare has always been an example of endurance to me. The English were outnumbered two to one by the French at the Battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years' War on St. Crispin's Day.  Harry, King Henry V,  rallied his men with a powerful speech which sent them "once more into the breach".
 
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian. 
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.

He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Saint Crispian."

Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."

Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words—
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester--
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be rememberèd—

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;

And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes Quote from Google


Chapter 61
Bearing JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity , Endurance (previously addressed), Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

Bearing is basically the impression we may give with our appearance and conduct of control.  We can send that demeanor and attitude to others with our attitude and behavior.  The projection of confidence in the midst of frustration, fatigue, and even pain will invigorate those who look to you for power. 

When under extreme stress and your bearing weakens, you might present as cranky.  Good leaders 
need to be mindful of how they engage with others and always present the appropriate demeanor that continues to motivate and inspire them.
 
Watching a baseball manager rant and scream in the face of an umpire, who maintains his cool, is an example of both success and failure with this trait of leadership. 
 
Bearing can be achieved through appearance, wearing clean and pressed clothing, avoiding profanity, staying fit, keeping your head, your word, and your temper.
 
One can imagine James Bond casually winning a battle with an evil genius out to destroy the world, while maintaining his perfect hair and uttering punny quips.  William Wallace remaining emotionless as he is vivisected alive. Mr. Spock calmly defeating enemies of the Federation with logic and superior intellect, while never breaking a sweat.
 
 


Chapter 62
Unselfishness JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

 
 

Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing (previously addressed), Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.

Unselfish leaders make decisions that benefit as many as possible and do things because it's the right thing to do, not because it personally enriches them somehow, or there is some special benefit to them.
 
That pretty much eliminates the politicians of this era, and likely any era.  
 
Leaders who perform unselfishly put others before themselves, ensuring that those who depend on his/her leadership do not come second.  
 
In a field environment, the leader eats last, ensuring all are fed. The leader assumes responsibilty that security is provided, even being one who holds vigil while others rest. The good leader is willing to take the brunt, to keep others from needless suffering.
 
The utilitarian concept provides that the needs of the many override the needs of the few, or the one. One can see this in any example of personal sacrifice that serves the majority. As dramatic and lethal as jumping on a grenade, to as simple as giving from one's need to benefit those even less fortunate.
 
According to Gerald Gillis, who writes and lectures on leadership:
" An unselfish leader is open to new ideas and concepts, and from a variety of sources. So very often the employees actually doing the work have the best ideas on how a particular process can be improved. Let others be the experts. Build the bench strength by developing technical and leadership skills in employees."
 
In other words, good leaders are willing and happy to let others' input and ideas contribute to the groups success.

Selfishness always aims at uniformity of type. Unselfishness recognizes infinite variety of type as a delightful thing, accepts it, acquiesces in it, enjoys it.     Oscar Wilde

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes Image from Google


Chapter 63
Courage JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

 
Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness (previously addressed), Courage, Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.


 
 
Courage, as we know off the cuff, is the ability to face adversity with strength. What is more important is the aspect of moral courage. That is the ability to face adversity within our own groups and do what is right despite opposition.
 
When we were in school, bullies would lay onto whoever their prey was and other students would watch seemingly helpless. The courage to defend or intercede was typically nonexistent. Sometimes though, the  righteous indignation would be strong enough to buck the odds of winning and come to the aid of another. In the perfect situation, this might inspire others to join the fight.  However, even if defeated, this moment will be cemented in many minds. Yours, the one who you would save, the bullies who would be surprised, and the onlookers who will take note of this action.  A seed of  courage will have been planted.
 
As leaders we may be given an assignment that is unpopular with those who will be doing the job. We would then need to push for success and encourage those who may be half-hearted to put their full effort forward for the good of all.
 
It is often quoted that courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to act in the face of it.
 
 
COURAGE (edited from the Lion's speech from The Wizard of Oz)
 
What makes a King out of a slave?
What makes the flag on the mast to wave?
What makes the elephant charge his tusk, in the misty mist or the dusky dusk?
What makes the muskrat guard his musk?
What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder?
What makes the dawn come up like thunder?
What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot?
What have they got that I ain't got?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author Notes Image and quotes from Google


Chapter 64
Knowledge JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage (previously addressed), Knowledge, Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.
 

Leaders need to be either the expert or able to speak knowledgeably with whomever the experts are under their direction. Many times someone is placed in a leadership position of something he/she is not an authority. It would best to become the subject specialist as quickly as possible, to ensure your appreciation for what others do and are expected to know. 

Personally, in my Marine Corps career, I was at times placed in a leadership position in charge of a skill group of which I was the least knowledgeable. I made a decided effort to become as competent as possible as fast as I could.  Examples would be, as a ballistic meteorologist, I became a noncommissioned officer in charge of a position survey squad. I had to learn how to determine True North using theodolites and the star Polaris. I needed to run traverse and triangulation surveys to within .001 mils of accuracy. This was a decade before GPS made this all unnecessary. 

Later, as a staff sergeant assigned to a howitzer battery, I became the operations chief in charge of fire direction control.  This would include organizing target data, forward observer information, position survey, meteorological reports, ammunition capabilities, and muzzle velocity variances for eight 155 mm howitzers. This, three months before being deployed to Southwest Asia to join the Desert Storm assault of Iraqi Forces occupying Kuwait. 

Most people know that there is seldom any time to casually learn a new job, let alone be the head of the operation. Knowledge, in extreme cases, saves lives. In normal situations, speeds the success of projects and earns the confidence and cooperation of all those you lead.



 
 

Author Notes Images from Google


Chapter 65
Loyalty JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

 
Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge (previously addressed), Loyalty, and Enthusiasm.
 
Loyalty is often regarded as the truest measure of a good leader.  It is one that has been tested time and again both directly and subtly after entities have moved on.  How a supervisor speaks about a former employee and how that person speaks of his/her supervisor speaks volumes about the relationship and the values of each person. 
 
Having loyalty in regular jobs is difficult to achieve unless there is a personal connection between supervisors and employees. Workers can be hot or cold with how they talk about their bosses whether currently working with them or afterward.
 
Once, while listening to a recording of rejected applicants from job interviews, it became obvious that those who spoke negatively about their former employers were rarely hired. One can assume in that scenario, loyalty was not a quality found. Sure, the former employer may have been the worst, but the new potential employers don't like picturing themselves cast that way when this employee is dismissed in the future. 
 
My son-in-law, bless his heart, took his first professional job as a computer programmer with a small business that wrote collaborative coding to integrate independent programs to be centrally controlled. His boss was described as a borderline kook, who treated clients poorly, insulted employees daily, but rewarded everyone well. I heard stories of being berated to the point of expecting to be fired, only to be followed up with bonuses and promotions.  
 
I suggested to my son-in-law, that while others around him quit and sought work elsewhere, his showing up and doing his job conscientiously, in spite of the boss's neurotic demeanor, was such a display of loyalty, it stood out compared to the typical employee who would expect congeniality in the workplace.
 
The fact is, his loyalty to his employer, despite that man's inability to speak professionally to others, kept him in a good-paying job, learning more about how real companies work in the trenches, and securing his next job with AutoDesk, one of the largest programming companies in the world. 
 
Leadershipwise, the loyalty may skip a generation, but the following one may understand the positives of it and carry that forward. 
 
 
 

Author Notes Cartoonist Chic Young's image of Dagwood Bumstead and Mr. Dithers' relationship from the comic strip, Blondie.


Chapter 66
Enthusiasm JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

By Bill Schott

 
Leadership Traits:
Justice, Judgement, Dependability, Initiative, Decisiveness, Tact, Integrity, Endurance, Bearing, Unselfishness, Courage, Knowledge  Loyalty (previously addressed), and Enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm is showing up at the end of this leadership essay series, but we all know it is really first.  Without enthusiasm, that need to succeed, that sense of urgency we must create within ourselves and develop within others, our ability to succeed takes on one more obstacle -- us. 

If you were to give one person a task to accomplish by simply ordering him/her to do it, you will likely get an outcome that equals the minimum effort and lowest expectation. If that same person had the same objective, but this time knowing why it's important, and how it will make things better, you have given him/her motivation. 

Enthusiasm is a necessary element that works both ways. You need to keep a fire under those who follow your lead, and they need to feed you that same energy when, as a leader, your batteries get low.  

A good coach will keep his/her team motivated by creating comradery that develops a personal need within each member to contribute to the group's success. Goals and rewards along the way help maintain the desire to press on with vigor. 

Explaining why success is important, gives everyone incentives to keep enthusiasm high.  An athlete looks for recognition, personal best performance, and a bigger goal made achievable by victories along the way.  

In any job, a leader can incentivise constituents of the group by showing how their individual and /or group performance will lead to greater things.  Promotions, money, benefits, and broadened potentials are all reasons for enthusiastic productivity.


 

Author Notes Images from Google


Chapter 67
Solved 2

By Bill Schott

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.


Inspector Clare surveyed the scene of the crime. Two men were positioned precariously on a davenport, both had their brains splattered on the wall behind them.

"Do you think it was a murder/suicide, Inspector?" asked the patrolman. "I've noted that one man has a hole in his forehead with the exit wound providing a portal to transport his brains out. The other has a gun in his hand which was recently fired in his mouth."

"Well, Rookie, I don't know exactly, but the one who supposedly ate his gun must have been highly motivated -- since he fired twice."
 

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