FanStory.com - Kaleidoscope by Iza Deleanu

Act 1
The scene represents a hospital room. People are sitting on the floor. They are all dressed in white, only one is clothed in black. The patients are: John, Peter, Steven and the doctor.

The doctor approaches John and asks:

Doctor: So John, how are we today?

John: We are God, Jesus.

Doctor: I am not Jesus, I am the Doctor.

John: You are THE Doctor? Like Doctor House? John stands up and starts rapping: Yo, yo, Peter listen up, Doctor Mouse is in the house. I feel you, I got you! Yo, Mouse, Yo House!

The Doctor amused sits on a chair and plays the game. Hey Johnny, good Johnny, sit down.

John stops singing and says O. K. Doc. I am sitting now, I will be a good boy now.

Peter walks in circles screaming: I am flying, it's a miracle.

Peter, who are you today? I am Peter the gatekeeper.

The Doctor mumbled to himself: how convenient. He is identifying himself as Peter from heaven.

Steven, what are you today?

Steven stands up and moves his hands like tress branches and imitates the wind.

John laughing exclaims, Steve it's a fucking tree. Squirrel!

The curtain fades in the distance.

To Be Continued.

Chapter 2
The Lake

By Iza Deleanu

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Linda a widow in love with Twin Lakes
Angel her deseased husband
God Almighty (He will come in part 2)
Hope (she will appear in part 2)

LINDA WAS SITTING AT THE SHORE OF TWIN LAKEs

Birds are singing in the background. The water looks inviting. Linda dreamily looks at the water and decides to sit on edge of the deck and let her feet dangle in the cold water. The sun was playing hide and seek with the trees. Linda closed her eyes and started saying a little prayer. "Thank you Lord for this beautiful day..."

ANGEL COMES AT THE DECK AND PUTS HIS HAND ON LINDA'S EYES GENTLY SAYING:

Knock! Knock! Who is there?

LINDA SMILING SAYS:

My Angel? Thank you, Jesus!

ANGEL JUMPS IN THE WATER AND SPLASHES LINDA. GIGGLING SHE STANDS UP SCREAMING:

Angel, stop it! The water is so cold! You are going to catch pneumonia.

ANGEL IS GOING FOR A SWIM, AND LINDA GOES BACK TO THE DECK AND TAKES A BEACH TOWEL AND GOES CLOSE TO THE SHORE AND WAITS FOR ANGEL.
ANGEL COMES BACK TO THE SHORE. LINDA GIVES HIM THE TOWEL AND SAYS:

You know, Angel, I wish to stay here forever. I don't feel like going back to that empty house. Do you remember how we met?

ANGEL TAKES HER HAND AND SMILING HELPS HER TO SIT DOWN ON THE BENCH IN FRONT OF THE SUMMER CABIN

Yes, I remember. I was camping with some friends and you were staying in our cabin with your parents. I don't know who you were trying to impress, but you almost drowned that day.

LINDA SHAKES HER HEAD:

No Angel, I was trying to get your attention. Did it work?

ANGEL LOOKING MESMERIZED INTO HER EYES:

Yes, my love it worked. I jumped and saved you, and then we become friends, and later on husband and wife. That jump was the best decision of my life. I am so happy I was here to save you.

LINDA LOOKS INTO HIS EYES:

Yeah, Mr. Macho, oops I meant my Knight in shining armor. I can't believe it's been twenty years. We survived so many storms, and yet this lake is magic. Every time I am sad, I came here to restore my energy and will to life. Today it's our anniversary... and you are not here.

ANGEL DISAPPEARS, LETTING LINDA WATCH THE LAKE

Why, God, why did you take him? My days are empty without him. I tried to volunteer, but my heart is not there. I know it's been a year since the accident, but all seems so blurry. He was a good swimmer; I don't understand how he drowned.

SHE STANDS AND GOES BACK TO THE LAKE AND STARTS WALKING

Oh, God I know, the Lake took him, but I can't be mad with your beautiful creation after all this is how I met my Angel. I guess this is my faith, to continue to live and pray for a better day. I know the lake calls me, but drowning myself it's not part of your, plan, God, is it?

TO BE CONTINUED

Author Notes It's my first time trying to write a script, so please help me improve it.

Chapter 3
Cheeselini

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The scene happens in a typical suburban living-room. This is a one-person show, and the actor is talking with himself about the upcoming Christmas celebration. On the table lies a small plastic Christmas tree. The person sits at the kitchen table and shakes a snow-globe.

Me: Travel plans?

Naughty Me: Cancellato!

Me: Family gathering?

Naughty Me: Interdito!

Me: Christmas shopping?

Naughty Me: Stay in line buddy, only 15 customers are allowed at once in the store.

Me: Work-out in a gym?

Naughty Me: Sure, work it out outside the gym in the comfort of your own home!

Me: Aqua jogging?

Naughty Me: Yup, Aqua Joking - pura vida, my friend! For now, put the aqua in a bottle and work it out, walking around the living room and shake it twice for good luck!

Me: Christmas party?

Naughty Me: Does anybody say Pajamas in front of a Bahamas poster? If yes, you and I are game!

Me: Christmas dinner?

Naughty Me: Macaroni and cheese! Oh, wait, it's Christmas; let's make it more festive: "Spaghettini con cheeselini"! I think this will look exactly like an la carte restaurant. Oh, wait; we need to make timeline arrangements for the Christmas dinner over Skype with our relatives from Romania.

Me: How are we going to do that? There are 9 hours time difference between Canada and Romania.

Naughty Me: We will ask them to have an early dinner, or shall we call it to breakfast?

Me: Midnight here at 10 am there?

Naughty Me: Yup, that will work. They have to adapt a little bit with our Christmas delay, or we will wait until the next day when it is dinner time over there and lunch over here.

Me: Christmas presents?

Naughty Me: Depends! If you are in Manitoba, you'll get nada! In other provinces, buy what you don't see and hope it might fit in the process. Viva, El Amazone that delivers straight to your door.

Me. It's Christmas still on?

Naughty Me: Yes, it will the best Christmas ever ... canceled! Dear God, can you please cancel the entire 2020 and get back in business in 2021!

Me: Why?

Naughty Me: Because of El mother fucker Covid! EL COVIDO, messed up with our Navidad!

Me: What's up with the broken Spanish?

Naughty Me: I am supposed to be in Mexico right now dancing with the fishes!

Me: I know, El Covido messed up il nuesto escapido tropical.

Author Notes The broken Spanish was used with the intention of making this text a funny read. Merry Christmas!

Chapter 4
The Cough

By Iza Deleanu

One room with a single-window showing a beautiful garden. Two kids sitting on the sofa are talking about their school experience.

Roxy: I can not believe they sent us home...again. How many times we will hit the reset button?

Jay: My dear sister, forget about your dreamy graduation, this year is going to be on repeat. In fact, it will be the first time in school history that all the students will repeat the year.

Roxy: Oh, no! This is horrible! I can't stand another year with bully and company!

Jay: No worry, sis, I will take care of this.

Roxy: How?

Jay: I will be your shadow. Every time a bully will approach you, I will start to cough, trust me they will run like there is no tomorrow!

Roxi: What a wonderful idea. After this year, the cough will be treated with respect. People will make space for her majesty, The cough!

The End

Chapter 5
Dispute 2

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

Scene 2
The scene represents an empty room. The character sits on a chair. In front of him sits a script for Hamlet and a postcard from Mexico.

Evil Me: To be or not to be!

Me: Let it be....

Evil Me: Listen up invisible Steve, stop Beateling me! We decided that I will do the Hamlet part! So, go back and pull an Ophelia on me!

Me: Okay Gamlet! One Ophelia incoming! I said with a Russian accent

Evil Me: Gamlet? No shto?

Me: Wow, you are good and so adaptable.

Evil Me: I told you I can do it! Soon I will be replacing you, for real! Then we'll see who the evil You will be!

Me: Hey, Mr. Hamlet I was joking. We can switch the roles just for this story, okay. My butterflies, where are my butterflies?

Evil Me: Butterflies?

Me: Fine, Ophelia's butterflies. What? Have you forgotten? Ophelia she is a little bit on the crazy side.

Evil Me catches in his hand my head and start shouting:"

To be, or not to be, that is the question,

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation..."

Me: Ha! Ha! Ho!Ho! Feliz Navidad!

Evil Me: Ophelia wake the fuck up, this is not a Christmas scene, this is serious!

Me: Who cares! My dear Hamlesito, my carido, my curse-on, I meant mi corason, I think we should forget about this whole thing. People need merry and cherry, ups cheers with no fears, and not this dark "red bull" tragedy! Let me open the TV for you, there is our perfect vacation. They have a series on Mexico! Aqua caliente, donde sta mi hente?

Evil Me: Stop this non-sense, mi anhelitto! Damn it, your crazy speech it's contagious. You're supposed to support me with this. We had a deal.

Me: Yes, sire! I am playing the crazy part. What? You don't like it? I am giving you a new spin on this old girl, Ophelia

Evil Me: You are killing me!

Me: Yup! You got that part right, senior Hamlesito!

TO BE CONTINUED

Author Notes Hello my friends, and thank you for reading this silly script. The broken Spanish and Russian are intentional for comic effect. P.S. the first part is still available on my portfolio and pays more than 70 cents for reading it:) Beateling I am referring to the musical group Beatle. As Lyenocha was saying in her comments, in Russian H is pronounced as letter G.

Chapter 6
Dispute 1

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays both characters

Me: I am confused. Why am I playing Hamlet? I am an extrovert making fun of a tragedy.

Evil Me: Come on, darling, tragedy suits you better than comedy. You are not able to choose. You will play what they sing.

Me: But I don't roll like this!

Evil Me: Listen up, hokey-pokey, you need to let go of your principles for once; we need muchas dinero to pay the rent.

Me: Then, you freaking do!

Evil Me: I cannot! I am alive because you need somebody to complain to. Man, you are such a bore!

Me: You try to please everybody and then tell me how you feel. At the end of the day, I don't even know my own name.

Evil Me: Same as everybody else, buddy! You choose this career! You knew from the start that actors are always on hunger strike, not benevolent, of course. You could've work retail!

Me: Watch my tail, bro! You forgot, I have two left hands, and my patience is limited!

Evil Me: Shut up! Just prepare the role, and if they want you to be Hamlet, imagine me.

Me: I know, to play Hamlet is a real honor, but I am not feeling good about it! I am not fit for this role.

Evil Me: I will do it for you! Let's switch!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 7
Dispute 3

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays both characters.

Me: Great, now thanks to you, we are officially crazy!

Evil Me: Wow, are we famous now?

Me: Famous? Read the review:" The only thing this actor can play is crazy ... Ophelia. I guess his reality inspired such a success with this role."

Evil Me: See I told you, Hamlet would make you famous. Wait! What about me? I was the main character. What are they saying about moia?"

Me: Wait a minute. Do you think this is about you? Have you forgotten nobody can see you except me?

Evil Me: Oh, shut up! Give me the magazine. I will read myself. Aha, here it goes: "Hamlet, the worst performance ever... a cheap imitation of the classics." What the heck just happened! These malditos banditos! Hijos de..."

Me: Please, don't say it! Leave theirs mothers alone. You are acting like an amateur. Seriously, you need to learn to take the critics with a grain of salt. Some will trash you and crash you, others will praise you and appraise you. You are new at this.

Evil Me: I will hunt these "mother forkers", down! I will show them who Hamlet is! Let's go, Ophelia.

Me. Mi cardio Hamlesito, leave me alone from this story of hunting. I can't go lower than this. After all, I am already talking to ghosts, so I don't need to accompany you... another ghost!

Evil Me: "Screwdrive" you, Ophelia!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 8
Ice cream

By Iza Deleanu

The scene represents a garden with lots of roses and in the middle it's a pond with water lilies. Two young people are sitting on the bench talking.

She: If Juliet were alive, what do you think she would say?

He: Who cares? They were not real, remember?

She: They were. Any story has a gram of truth. I think Romeo was William and Juliet was his forbidden love.

He: How convenient. Always forbidden love! Blah, blah, blah and that's where Ms. Sandra Brown got her inspiration!

She: Sandra Brown? Wow, you are reading that crap?

He blushing: Of course, not! I was thinking that this is what girls are reading today. You know, instead of that old story Romeo and Juliet.

She: Now seriously, what do you think Juliet would say now if she were with us?

He, bored and not paying attention: Ice-cream, anyone?

She gasped: What an idiot...to think that I wanted to be your girl-friend. I pity this romantic scene: pond, water lilies and roses. You have no romantic bone in your body, you fake Romeo!

He: July my love, I have. Can I show it to you?

She: No! And she runs away.

The curtain fades in the background.

Chapter 9
Dispute 4

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays both characters.

Me: What do we do today, my dear, Double?

Evil Me: Nothing! After our fiasco with Hamlet, I think I will stay away from the artistic-autistic world!

Me: You are not used to rejection, welcome to my world! Life is not an easy walk in the park. God made as resilient. We fail, and then we get reborn or reboot!

Evil Me: I am a shadow, so I get the privilege to complain and whine, right? I am not made from the divine, so I can drink some wine... when I'm down!

Me: Yeah! Go ahead, get drunk! As usual, I have to be the mature person here and think about a job! You know, I come from a communist country and over there if you don't work, you don't eat!

Evil Me: Come on, bro! Here you just have to ask, and you'll receive. Let's get on the list for the food bank!

Me: You get there. I am not the macaroni and cheese type!

Evil Me: I hear they give you food for the pets, can we get some wine too?

Me: Jesus! Nobody gives away booze at the food bank! I am getting out! You can keep on dreaming about food and drinks... and chicks!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 10
Dispute 5

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays both characters.

Me: Hello! Mr. Hamlet, get your skull over here. I got us some food and jobs!

Evil Me: Wow, fooood, yummy. What did you got?

Me: I got you spaghetti with meatballs.

Evil Me: You said you don't like macaroni and cheese. And no Alfredo fa freddo?

Me: Hamlesito, this is italiano a la carte cucinna! Niente macaroni con formaggio! And you can have Alfredo sauce with meatballs.

Evil Me: For what? Fancy name for the same... pasta! Anyway can you add some vino? You know they are recommending for this dish the red one!

Me: Really? No kidding? Since when you know, what goes with what?

Evil Me: Since I am watching that mother fortune cooking channel!

Me: Well, the Lord is served! Un piato con spaghettini and a crystal glass full with aqua fresca! And by the way, we got ourselves jobs!

Evil Me: Yeah you already made that announcement, rewind, bro! Me? Working? Are you kidding?

Me: Yes, you work! You have the legal age to do it! And the job is not complicated; you know the dishwasher kind of way!

Evil Me: But, papa, I am an artist! I need to maintain the beauty of my figure, and washing dishes will not help me to do that!

Me: Listen, my Prince, don't worry. I will make sure the next role is going to be Frankenstein, so you see, I got you covered!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 11
Dispute 6

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays both characters.

Me: Mr. Hamlet, so how do you like your spaghettini

Evil Me: Delicioso! Bro, I was thinking maybe instead of that dish job, I could fake some Italian lessons per le bambini! This will be more appropriate for my status!

Me: No kidding! I was thinking that you are the Princess of Denmark, not Italy!

Evil Me! Ja! But Danish is so boring, and plus we speak English most of the time, so my Danish is rusty. But Italian it's the language of love!

Me: No shit! Love? I was thinking that French is that o-la-la language, not Italian!

Evil Me: Details! Do you think these ignoranti knows the difference? We are in the middle of nowhere: barns and farms!

Me: I guess you can give it a try, but if they catch you, I don't know you!

Evil Me: Oh, cruel fate, the Gods have spoken. Alone at last!

Me: Senior Hamleto, you have a job remember? Stop playing the victim here!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 12
Dispute 7

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays both characters.

Me: Buon giorno, Senior Hamleto, ma che fai?

Evil Me: Vai, ignorante vai e lava le dishi.

Me: You mean wash the dishes?

Evil Me: Si, si, of course!

Me: Okay, show me the money honey. I made eighty bucks plus free food and pop.

Evil Me: I made niente! I fall asleep in aqua caliente!

Me: What? You forgot to wake up and move your ghostly ass to the kid's house!

Evil Me: Well, when you put it like that sounds pretty bad!

Me: Did you or not?

Evil Me: Niente money, niente studente!

Me: What the heck, Hamlet. We are short of eight hundred dollars, which is just the rent. We need to pay also the internet and electricity. We had a deal, remember?

Evil Me: We had a deal... to take care of me! I am the Prince of Denmark... and I don't mind candles. They are so romantic!

Me: Candles? Are you insane? Do you think they are coming for free? The cheapest is two bucks, and I will not leave a candle in your care! You will burn the place down!

Evil Me: No! I wouldn't!

Me: Yes, you would! You are so careless. I am serious, if you don't move your royal ass to find a job, I will kick you out!

Evil Me: I got it! No more italiani per le bambini, I am going to do stand down comedy!

Me: Stand down, or stand up?

Evil Me: Stand whatever. I must try! Oh, poor me, what fate emerged from this chaos! Pity me!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 13
Dispute 8

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays all the characters.

Me: Okay, report; any news from the job scene?

Evil Me: Oh, man you have an obsession for this subject. I told you I am a prince, I don't work!

Me: No work, no food!

Evil Me: I was thinking the right formula was: no justice, no peace!

Me: Don't BLM now! As long as you live under my roof, you need to carry your weight around!

Evil Me: My weight? I have none; I am a romantic prince that weights next to nothing! Fine give me that Job Seeker Journal!

Me: Here you go!

Evil Me starts ruffling the newspaper mumbling: Ja, that sound nice, mmm this is even better. Okay, I finally found one. Give me the phone, please.

Me: Here!

Evil Me: If you don't mind, I need some privacy.

Me: Okay, I am getting out of the room!

Evil Me: Dry cleaner, that sounds nice, isn't? If it's dry, that means that I can get somewhere else a job as a wet cleaner. Wait, I don't like to get wet, so I will stick to the dry section. Okay, here comes nothing! Hello? I am calling in regards with this job offering for a part-time dry cleaner.
The voice: Sure, do you have any experience?

Evil Me: Yeah, sure, I never wet my pants, and usually I prefer to stay dry... I don't drink!

The voice: That's great, but my question is: have you ever worked in an environment where clothes are washed dry?

Evil Me: Shit, let me google this: dry clean meaning? Google what's dry clean?

Google: Dry-cleaning is very similar to regular home laundering, but a liquid solvent is used to clean your clothes instead of water and detergent.

Evil Me: Aha, so is freaking laundry, no lava piati ma lava roppa.

The Voice: Sir? So, are you still interested?

Evil Me: Like I have a choice! Yes, I am! When can I start?

The Voice: Tomorrow; be at the address from the paper at 7.30 am?

Evil Me: 7.30 am, so, early?

The Voice: Yes, our hours of operations are 7.30 to 4 pm.

Evil Me: Okay, I will give it a try. Thank you very much for this opportunity!

The Voice: You are welcome!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 14
Dispute 9

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. There is only one actor who plays all the characters.

Me: Mr. Dry Cleaner, wake up! You're going to be late for your first day of work! May God grant you many more!

Evil Me: What the heck? It's only 6 am.

Me: I know, my Precious. But you need to move your ass-ets out of the house by 6.30. Remember, we are too poor to afford a car, so you need to take the bus. For that location is exactly one-hour commute.

Evil Me: I should've found something closer to home.

Me: You snooze, you lose, so rise and shine, funny guy!

Evil Me: Okay, stop hovering, I'm going.

Me: 10 am, no sing of Hamlet. I hope this works!

Lunch time a weak knock on the door. Me runs to see what happened. I know we are too broke to do Skip the Dishes, or order anything from Amazon.

Me: Oh, God, I hope is not the Landlord, we are late with the rent. Yes, who is there?

Evil Me: It's me, I am back and please don't have a heart attack!

Me: Okay, cancel heart attack, but what are you doing home? You supposed to be done at 4 pm.

Evil Me: Yes, but they send me home early... and asked me never to come back!

Me: Why? What did you do, that they had to fire you on your first day?

Evil Me: Not too much! Those guys are so cheap-enstein.

Me: How come?

Evil Me: Well, I drunk all their coffee and eat all their cookies. How should I know that they were just polite, and I supposed to say thank you and only have one cup of coffee, and one cookie. They had no idea who I was. The Prince of Denmark can have whatever he wants... for free and unlimited.

Me: Were those treats for the customers?

Evil Me: Kind off... But, please don't worry I will apply for a different position in the same domain. Now, I have lots of experience.

Me: You do? How much have you learnt in a few hours?

Evil Me: I am smart. I know what to do:
1. No eating cookie or drinking coffee on the job
2. Be polite and whatever the client asks I have to say: certainly, we can do that. For example: do you do wet cleaning? Do you do Ironing?
3. I have to say at the end of the conversation, thank you for your business, it was a pleasure to work with you
4. Open the door for the client after he is picking up the clothes
5. Don't empty the tip bank until the end of the day
6. Whenever the Boss asks something, I should smile and say, Yes, Boss!

Me: I am impressed. So where is this new job?

Evil Me: Well, it's across the street. The owners are Russian, and they open at reasonable hours.

Me: Oh, my I wonder what kind of "laundry they are dry cleaning."

Evil Me: No worries, bro. I already introduced myself and talk about my experience in the business. I think I charmed them, because they said: Harasho! Zavtra devet ceasa!

Me: You are starting tomorrow at nine?

Evil Me: Yup!

Me: And please, no quitting this time, okay?

Evil Me: Yes, Boss!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 16
Dispute 11

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Me: Wow, 5 pm and his Majesty is not back, yet! Will he come in one piece?

Evil Me: Knock! Knock!

Me: Who's there?

Evil Me: It's me Aleksei!

Me: Aleksei?

Evil Me: I mean Gamlet, oops Hamlet!

Me: Oh, how do I know it's you? Tell me something funny!

Evil Me: Oh cruel faith, the Gods have spoken!

Me: I said funny, not tragic! Okay, Hamlet came in!

Evil Me: I brought you 200 bucks to add to the rent and food, so you don't have to spoil me tonight with your spaghettini bullshetini! I got us some fake champagne, that thing you call Prosecco. If they pay me like this every day, we will be rich. Man, this role is the best ever! I don't have to pretend and my broken Russian doubled by my English seals the deal every time I open the door!

Me: Slow down, Aleksei! What role are you talking about? Aren't you the dry cleaner?

Evil Me: Yup, I am the dry cleaner and receiver. I clean the cash and receive the packages!

Me: What?

Evil Me: Later, mate, I just need to eat and enjoy my role, please!

Me: Fine! Give me the money honey, before you spent them on something stupid!

Evil Me: You and your money, here, take it!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 17
Dispute 10

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Me: Rise and shine, Princess! Today is the..

Evil Me: Cut the crap, man, I am awake!

Me: Wow, your majesty I am impressed! You are awake before 11 am, that's a first!

Evil Me: What? I am excited about this job. I finally understand this world and your crappy concept of no work, no food, no rent, no shelter!

Me: By the way, how much are they going to pay you?

Evil Me: Twenty bucks per hour. So if my math is right I can make in one day one hundred in sixty, without taxes. Actually I will not pay any taxes. It will be cash under the table.

Me: I knew it! Ruskia mafia!

Evil Me: Mafia? Since when do you care? We need the money, right?

Me: Yes, but your reputation?

Evil Me: My reputation? Remember what they were calling me in Denmark? I was a drunk head, the crazy, and the spoiled brat!

Me: Okay, you made your point. Go now!

Evil Me crosses the street and talks to the owner. Dobro Utro, gospodin Maksimovici.

The owner: Kak tibia zavut?

Evil Me: Menia zavut, Hamlet.

The owner: A, Gamlet? Ia call you, Aleksei, yeah?

Evil Me: Sure, I will be Aleksei if this is part of my job description.

The Owner: Harasho. Tvoi job is to answer telefoncik.

Evil Me: So, I am not doing any cleaning?

The Owner: Niet. Ti polucish packet!

Evil Me: Okay, I will receive packages and answer the phones. That's easy, peasy Japanese. Any code messages for the receiving portion?

The Owner: Da. When they zvanit oni sprashivaet "wet cleaning ready?", ti answer "dry."

Evil Me: Okay, the code word is wet cleaning and the password for pick up is dry.

The Owner: Yes, and ti open the back dveri.

Evil Me: So, after I say dry I will go to the back door and pick up the package, and then what?

The Owner: Then put packet on the metal shelf and zakroi dveri.

Evil Me amused: I am taking the package and putting it on the metal shelf and closing the door. Then turning to the side, he said : this will be the best job ever. I can add to my resume communication, marketing, controll center and purchasing!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 18
Dispute 12

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Me: Good Morning, Aleksei

Evil Me: What's good about it?

Me: Prince Aleksei?

Evil Me: No, damn it! That was yesterday! Today it's me, Prince Hamlet! I am not playing that role anymore!

Me: What? No more dry cleaning? What are you going to do? And you know...

Evil Me: I know, no work, no food! Don't worry I put ourselves on the Food Bank List and we are going to receive some kind of welfare from the government.

Me: You really thought of everything! How can you live like this!

Evil Me: Hey, Mr. Righteous, I have no problem to live like this. I am good at playing the drama queen, so as you wash dishes for ten bucks, I will meditate and drink! Who knows, maybe I will get inspire and start to write a book.

Me: Okay! Do as you like!

Evil Me: Hey, don't be like that! I worked yesterday and got you my part of the rent. I will think about something for the next month. Maybe try the Chinese... mafia! Now, I just need to relax and recover, or better stay under cover for a while.

Me: Why? What have you done?

Evil Me: Well, maybe I took some money from the tip jar that Serghei had at the back... You know temptation and the rest!

Me: Hamlet!

Evil Me: Don't worry, he can't recognize me, I wear disguise, so he has no idea who's Gamlet!

Me: Okay! Stay low for now! Maybe we will have to change the renting area!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 19
Dispute 13

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Me: Hamlet, please come out of your room I have an audition today, and I need you to go and take my shift at the restaurant. I need to keep my job just in case...

Evil Me dressed as a Lady: Me doing dishes? Never!

Me: Why not? You're already dressed like a lady, you know they do dishes, cook and take care of the house.

Evil Me: You got it all wrong my friend; I am not dressed like this to do house chores. Have you forgotten that I tripped the Russian mafia? I need to go out and have a stroll. It's been a week since I have locked myself in the house.

Me: Okay, but as you stroll, can you take an eight hour break and cover for me at the restaurant, you know the dish section and all.

Evil Me: I know, no work, no food! Man, you are a broken record. I told you, I am a Prince. I don't do dishes.

Me: You know what, forget it! I will call in sick, probably you'll get me in trouble.

Evil Me: Praise the Lord, he finally got it! I told you I am writing a book, so that's why I am dressed like a lady. I need to write from their perspective.

Me: Okay! I need to go, just avoid the Russian section. See ya later, hamligator!

Evil Me: Very well my love, have a wonderful day at work.

Me: Wow, what was that?

Evil Me: Don't look at me like this, my love, I am getting into the character.

Me: Ha, ha, ha! Women are not talking like in a soap opera.

Evil Me: Okay, loser beat it!

Me: That's more like it! Good luck!

TO BE CONTINUED

Author Notes This is part of a book - Kaleidoscope. The script is about two actors out of work that are trying to survive.

Chapter 20
Dispute 14

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: Bad idea! Who wants to walk around dressed like a lady at plus forty degrees? Not me! I will do my research from the comfort of our home with a glass of Martini in my hand.

Me: Hamlecita, mi amor, come fue la tuas dia?

Evil Me: Huh? What kind of crap are you using to communicate, bro?

Me: Fake Spanish, my hermanito! What do you want me to use? You know Russian is a hot commodity because of your previous dry-cleaning fiasco; also, Italian is kaput. Your poor students still have nightmares. For now, Espaniol is safe.

Evil Me: Plain English, por favor! Oh, no, look at me, I am playing your dumb game!

Me: I don't like plain. Could you give me some ritmo exotico? Agua Calliente por il pollito vailente!

Evil Me: You want hot water for the brave chicken? Why? Did you got a job at a Vietnamese restaurant, and now you want to serve a chicken Pho?

Me: No more restaurant jobs! I got a role, FINALLYYYYYYYYYY.

Evil Me: You did? What role? Commercial?

Me: Well, sort of! I am playing the role of the Statue of Liberty.

Evil Me: Any dialogue?

Me: Nada! For now, I will have to stay still and make faces!

Evil Me: Faces? I don't get it. Are you a Clown?

Me: No! It's a social justice drama, so every time someone is unjust, I have to throw and point at them the sign of destruction with the flame.

Evil Me: That's cool, man! Do you have to wear any drapes or bedding attire?

Me: Yup, a drape; you know, I have to be as close as possible to Madame La Liberte!

Evil Me: This is stupid. Why didn't you choose Madame Justice? She is more appropriate for this role!

Me: Madame La Liberte is sexier than Madame Justice, plus that one is freaking blind and deaf; hard to make faces when you don't see or hear a thing.

Evil Me: Nice. Do you need my help?

Me: Yes. How is my face?

Evil Me: Dude, I am into girls.

Me: Hamlecito, you got it all wrong. How is my face for this role?

Evil Me: I don't know. I have to see you in action.

Me: Okay. Maybe I can sneak you behind the scene. I really need some feedback.

Evil Me: Okay! When do you start?

Chapter 21
Dispute 15

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: Okay, bro, what time shall I drop today to see your Lady Justice Performance?

Me: Hamlet, I am playing that statue of Liberty, not Lady Justice. My performance starts at 10 am, you can drop any time.

Evil Me: 10 am? Let me check my schedule. Mmm, no, this is not working for me I can drop the earliest at 2 pm.

Me: What the heck are you talking about? Have you started a new job, and I don't know about? Or it's your beauty sleep that interferes with your duty to your friend?

Evil Me: No job, bro, as you know I am in a break, or as you say between jobs. You are right it's my beauty sleep. You know how grumpy I am if I am wake before noon.

Me: Oki, doki! So because of your sleeping therapy, you want to lose the chance to make fun of me posing as a statue?

Evil Me: Well, if you put it this way, you are right I can't miss this chance. Count me on, bro! You played such a bad Ophelia the last time; I cannot wait to see you playing a bad Statue of Liberty.

Me: I will do my best to oblige, my prince!

Evil Me: Bro, stop playing women in distress, you are not good at this. Next time try for a more manly role.

Me: Ha, ha, ha, look who's talking. Have you forgotten that you were parading a couple of days ago in women attire to hide from the Russian mafia? Serioja idi siuda!

Evil Me: Hey, I did it for our rent; and Serioja didn't come here, so because of my bravery we were able to play the rent for the entire year.
Me: Okay, I will see you tomorrow at 10 am?

Evil Me: Fine, give me a break, Miss Liberty!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 22
Dispute 16

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: Shoot, it's 10.30. I am already late for Miss Liberty Performance. He is going to give me a blah blah lesson about the given the word, etc.

Me: Of course, Mr. Hamlet will be late for my play. Why would his majesty wake up early for such a trivial role?

Evil Me: Okay, here goes nothing. I am going to sneak inside the rehearsal room quietly. He better be good; otherwise, he'll hear from me.

Me: Okay, here goes nothing. I am dressed like Lady Liberty in these stupid drapes. I hope I will be able to stay still for the duration of the play.

Evil Me: I am here. Where the heck is he? Ha, Ha, Ha! This is the big role? Staying as a scarecrow in the middle of the room and saying ... nothing. I hope it is worth the money.

A voice: Hey, quiet in the room. We are rehearsing here.

Me: Hamlecito is here, and of course, he is so supportive... as usual!

Evil Me: I can't wait for this to finish. I will have so much fun mocking Ms. Liberty.

Me: Oh, boy, he is going to make so much of me. I know it's embarrassing, but what can I do? I am a starving artist, I need to eat, and money doesn't grow on trees.

Evil Me: Finally, it's over. I couldn't take it anymore, the silence and beauty of Miss Liberty.

Me: Okay, the torture it's over, let's go home! Please don't say a word.

Evil Me: Fine, Ms. Liberty. I will mock you tomorrow. Deal?

Me: Deal! Now let's get the hell out of here!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 23
Dispute 17

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: Mmm, let's see what new torture my good twin will come up with it. Job, it's already a broken record, pretending to be somebody else, already played that tune, and even I had made a fool of myself in multiple languages and roles. The only image I can't get rid of it's my lazy bum attitude. After all, I am a prince.

Me: I played the part of a mime, so lame. How low can I go? I had so many dreams when I finished the academy, and so far, I have played with great success: the Dishwasher, the Statue of Liberty, and my first real role, Ms. Ophelia. At least Hamlet got his chance to be himself at least once in front of the public. Today, I really do not feel like facing the music. I can hear him saying: "Ha, ha, ha, Ms. O'Liberty? Madame Liberte? Gosport Sloboda? Seniorita Liberdad? Man, I am so Hamlet right now? I guess I need a rehearsal for all his insults, so here they are, exactly as he likes it in multiple languages. Okay, Hamlet, here I am, hit me!

Evil Me: With pleasure, bro, but I am out of sarcasm. Today, I will lay low and go with the flow, so what's up, bro?

Me: I am depressed. Nothing goes as planned. I need a break, a vacation across the nation. I need sun, water, palms, and cocktails. I want to soak in the ocean and stop thinking about tomorrow. I just want to leave in today! How does it sound to you, my Hamlecito?

Evil Me: I subscribe. Finally, you got my vibe, bro.

Me: Yup, I did. What's the point of fighting so hard for nothing?

Evil Me: Right back to you. So, what do we do?

Me: Let's pack and jump to Mexico for one week. I need to regroup my joie de vivre.

Evil Me: Bro, I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but we can't go. We are trapped here, you know Coronella and all.

Me: Oh, no! You know what? We can buy some pinata, order some cocktails and Mexican food, fill the tub with hot water, bring up that Beach Umbrella we got from Canadian Retire, oops, Tire, and voila, here we have it. Bien venido o Mexico!

Evil Me: Si signor, and I can be your unpaid mariachi: " la cucaracea, la cucaracea."

Me: I love you, bro! Shot, I said it!

Evil Me: I know it's the margarita talking, but I love you too.

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 24
Dispute 18

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Me: I am such a dropout. I couldn't even enjoy a day of doing nothing, so I started planning how to get us out of this situation. I must admit that I enjoyed waking up late and, for the first, being treated like a prince. For the first time Hamlecito landed in my life, he kind of took care of me. I am getting suspicious, so what's cooking. Okay, it's time for my orange juice, day number two.

Evil Me: Day two since we are in this fake Mexico all-inclusive adventure. I promised my good angel that I will play the part of the andales andales, ianariba, ole! After all, he took me in when I stepped out of my time... But, senior, I am supposed to be the one getting... served. Arriba, abaho, ole!

The good Angel: My dear Hamlet, you promised. You need to humble yourself if you want to get out of this hole.

Bad Angel: Are you stupid? You are Hamlet, the princess of Denmark; you are not a mere peasant.

Me: I have to ring the bell for room service. Senior donde esta el mi hugo di arancea?

Evil Me: Un momentito senior, see he is calling me. Oh, no, it's orange juice time, and we've run of it. I better run and get some before he starts acting like a sport brat, which is out of character.

Me: Jugo, Jugo, hugo, hugo.

Evil Me: Silencio! We run out of it, deve comprar, capsci?

Me: Bueno, but hurry up, or I'll break the spell and start searching for trabaho.

Evil Me: Trabaho?No! I will get it right away; just take a more extended shower.

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 25
Dispute 19

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Me: I must admit Hamlecito is trying, but I am tired of pretending!

Evil Me: I am tired of this All-Inclusive fake shit. We don't even have a pool, and the food is so lame. I will never be a real cook. So far, I fake it until I make it, but now I am too tired to play this game.

Me: I think it's time to break this spell. Hamlecito?

Evil Me: Si signior. Jugo? Vino?

Me: Stop! I am tired of this game. It's time to go back " home" and deal with the reality.

Evil Me: I agree. This Mexican business is way over my head! If I was playing a Jamaican, you know, "don't worry, be happy." I am not good with Mexican food. What the heck are tamales? Thank God for Costco, viva chips, and salsa.

Me: You are right. I think in one week I gained like ten pounds. I think I had enough salsa and chips to last me for the whole life.

Evil Me: Do you want to go to Jamaica now? I can make jerk chicken. I am good with meats and veggies.

Me: No! No more fake trips until Covid is over.

Evil Me: So, what next?

Me: The usual: jobs, rent.

Evil Me: You mean the blah, blah, blah?

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 26
Dispute 20

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: Oh, man! Here he goes again! He is going to send me to work. Why? Why can't I enjoy life without being the busy bee? Why can I not be just the Denmark prince, il Hamleto? Shoot, I am still on Mexican time.

Me: I must admit it was fun not to worry about rent and food for a week, but the landlord had caught up with me, and it's demanding money ASAP.

Evil Me: I am out of options? Literally, the only thing I am good at it is doing nothing. Maybe I should ask my stepmom to wire me some corona, and I mean the Danish corona, not the other C O R O N A! She owes me. After all, I left her the entire kingdom.

Me: I am not blind; I know I must be the responsible one in this relationship. I will have to go back to work lots of hours until we catch up with our bills.

Evil Me: Yup, that is a brilliant idea. I will go out and send mom a telegram or a fire message.

Me: Okay, time to man-up and start the job hunt!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 27
Dispute 21

By Iza Deleanu

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: I'm walking on sunshine, because I'm fine, so fine. Oops, I better shut up before he hears me. Let's go back to pretend I'm sick. I will play this card for a couple of days. I will fake a false case of Coronella. That gives me at least four days until I got my results back.

Me knocking gently on the door: How are you feeling?

Evil Me coughing: I am okay for now, just my throat kills me.

Me: Don't worry. I made your favorite dish. I will leave it in front of the door?

Evil Me: What is it? I can't smell it! Oh, God, I lost my smell!

Me: Don't panic, you will be fine. You are the Prince of Denmark nothing can't touch you!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 28
Getting out

By Iza Deleanu

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of language.

The setting is one empty room. One actor plays all the characters.

Evil Me: Okay, bored to death, time for me to get out of this fake pandemic. My poor friend, he has no clue that I can't get sick. I am an imaginary character that accidentally got alive?

Me: Hamlecito, my prince, are you okay? What would your royal ass like to eat today? Orange juice?

Evil Me: Hey, pal I feel much better I am ready to get out of self-isolation.

Me: No, pal. First we need you to get the anti-Coronella test. Wait a second I will make an appointment.

Evil Me: What? I don't want anybody to stick that thing into my royal nose?

Me: Would you prefer it in your royal ass?

Evil Me: Fine I will tell you the truth. I was never sick... I was just pretending.

Me: I know that, you piece of royal shit. You are a lazy good for nothing bastard. How long do you think you can ride for free in this life? Either you start earning your keep or go back to your time and just... let the history take its course.

Evil Me: Okay, I will do anything. I will wash dishes, clean the toilets, anything. I don't want to go back to my time. There is no orange juice and pot there!

Me: Okay, pothead. I got you a job at my restaurant. You will take over the dishes.

Evil Me: What about you?

Me: I'm taking over the entertainment section. And don't even think about tricking me again.

Evil Me: No way bro, I am giving you my royal word.

Me: That values nada!

TO BE CONTINUED

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