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"Psych Out News"


Chapter 2
Man Found Having Tea Party

By Mia Twysted

Dressed in his Sunday best, Odour Judge Archibald Tee Humpstick was found in the center of the kangaroo exhibit at the local zoo. Having illegally entered the enclosure at High Tea Time, he set out to engage in a tea party with Jumps, the female inhabitant of the compound.

After pouring the marsupial a hot English glass of tea, he approached her. Jumps gently took the fine china from his hand. She then proceeded to taste the liquid before smashing the porcelain on the ground. To Humpstick's surprise, the Australian native reared back on her tall, kicking the adventurous man across the enclosure. As a result, he suffered three broken ribs and a fractured pelvic bone.

"You never think it's going to be someone you know," Humpstick's neighbor, professional snuggler Shelly Go Lightly, said. "And we were such a respectable neighborhood."

"We all just thought he was a well-mannered man with a respectable job sniffing armpit, mouths, and feet for a living," said Devin VanDees Nuts, local scuba pizza delivery man. "He would always tip his top hat at us as we walked by."

It seems this isn't the first time Humpstick has engaged in the delicate art of drinking with animal counterparts. Last spring, he and his top hat dined with another kangaroo at the Hobo Habitat Zoo in Fizzywater, just two towns over. Humstick has also engaged in tea with a zebra and one extraordinary elephant.

Celebrating High Tea Time is on the rise as the modern culture calls for more civilized relations. People from across the globe have been putting their differences aside to sip in style each afternoon in hopes of promoting peace and understanding.

Although Humpstick hopes to create a measure of trust and support from his afternoon endeavors with our fellow creatures of the earth, he claims there are limits to its magic.

"One has to be open to the idea of tea," Humpstack said, "there must be a willingness to accept who the person you're drinking with truly is."

Humpstack's wife, Ho Lotta Humpstack, insists her husband is foolish minded and childish at heart.

"He lives with his head in the clouds," said Ho Lotta, "always working and mixing his blends. Believing he can one day find the perfect mix that could lead to animals and humans having a civilized exchange of fluids."

Despite his wife's disapproval and lack of faith, Humpstack plans to continue his experimental, and, at times, almost deadly mission to one day sit down next to a fellow-creature and exchange stories over the world's best cup of tea.


Chapter 3
Man Made Fire Tornado Kills Five

By Mia Twysted

Five dead and sixteen others injured when Egyptian exchange student catches tornado on fire.

Nineteen-year-old Ahmad Shamoon constructed a homegrown tornado in the backwoods of Kentucky last full moon. The teen was hoping to increase his host family's moonshine production. Billy Bob and Bethany Ann Jefferson Hunts, Owner/Operators of Liquor It Up Distributors, said, "We never thought he could create the tornado. We were more surprised than a cricket riding an electric eel to see it work."

Using nothing more than sand, glitter, a high-speed fan, and a home built electrical unit, Shamoon attempted to control the elements. Unexpected winds ignited a spark in the surrounding alcohol, which set the cyclone ablaze. "It was totally irresponsible of him to mess around with mother nature without thought to the havoc he could create," said 43-year-old, Monroe Montanta, a Safety Specialist at Strataee Industries.

Residents were taken by surprise as some eighty-hour winds demolished their homes and businesses. "It just near-missed our northern facility," said Earl Thomspon III, 74, Mixing and Blending Specialist. Who also added, "We hadn't moved that fast since the raid of '54. Nevertheless, despite the damage and chaos, we want to let our customers know we will be delivering the goods on time."

At over ten feet, the powerful tornado ripped through not only the local 'Five and Dime' but Heep Street as well. Experts say it will take the remainder of the year to rebuild.

Town businesses were not the only business affected as the tornado tore through local farmland and stock. "That twister cut through the back half of our grazing ground," said Earl "Gator" Finch Floyd, 39, owner of Gator's Meat Packing Plant. Who said, "That Betsy sure was a good cow. It's too bad we'll never get to taste that blue ribbon barbecue."

Shamoon's family is providing aid for all repairs from Eygpt. They also intend to see to the health and well-being of each family involved.

There is, however, a happy ending to the end of this disaster. Shamoon and Hunts' daughter, Bethany Ann, 17, are now engaged and plan to be wed by the end of the summer.


Chapter 4
Mini Skirt Causes Multi-car Pile

By Mia Twysted

An innovative handmade skirt resulted in a five-car pile-up that injured three and sent two more to the hospital.

A fashion student at "We Are Style," Amber Khan, 25, was hit by a sudden gust of wind. In the blast, her unzipped winter coat was blown off as she scurried across the middle of the intersection.

The outfit, which Khan designed herself, received a B- last semester. The outfit consisted of a short skin-tight skirt and a thin strip of fabric covering the nipple area.

Retired television announcer James L. Brunet, 87, resident of Fairfax Drive, was driving through the intersection when Khan suffered her mishap. "My eyes were locked on her," Brunet said. "So much skin exposed to the winter elements can be so dangerous."

Nearby onlookers recall hearing a loud booming voice echo from Brunet's car, "Check out the shitter on the critter," as the collision occurred.

Silvestro Manna, 25, Head Nurse at Any Time Now Retirement Home, another driver in the accident, suffered a broken arm and nose when rear-ended by Brunet.

When questioned about the accidentManna stated, "I'm just happy I have good auto insurance." He also insisted that "the hottie in the skirt" know that he is "a 156 pound, six-foot, former awarded winning athlete in three sports and can be contacted at callmeplayer@yahoo.com."

Anitra A. Lowe, 46, manager of Creative Wealth, a popular shop near the intersection, was outraged at the incident. "I don't know who to blame for the loss of business," Lowe said, "the pervert who couldn't keep his eyes on the road or the off duty pole dancer still in her sluttly outfit."

Other enraged people include Bruent's two daughters, Melissa Mosses, 68, and Helen Drivedale, 60.

Drivedale questioned the reasoning of young women today, "giving the whole cow away for free before the man even tries the milk."

Mosses stated to reporters and police, "That woman couldn't have been more irresponsible and should be charged with reckless endangerment."

Although not charged in the incident, Khan ticketed for jaywalking as she was walking against the light. Khan feels sick about the accidents saying, "I never intended for my passion for fashion to cause so much pain. Khan intends to visit all those injured in the episode.

All parties injured in the mishap are expected to make a full recovery.


Chapter 5
HeadShot Kills Assistant Mayor

By Mia Twysted

Assistant Mayor Garret Cantu was shot and killed yesterday on the fairground during the local Burger Flipping Competition.

A judge at the annual event, Assistant Mayor Cantu, was standing directly in front of contestant Bryan Mannor. During a heat challenge, Mannor's firearm discharged a bullet he unknowingly left in the chamber. The shot hit Assistant Mayer Cantu dead between the eyes, killing him on impact. Mannor finished his flip before he even knew what had occurred. This was the fifth time the Assistant Mayor judged the contest after winning it himself back in 2001.

"The contest has been a tradition in this town for almost 100 years." Mayer Gabrielle Reyes said. When questioned about the use of firearms in the contest, she replied, "Our ancestors thrived on challenges. As such, they upped the stakes every few years to keep it interesting. It just so happens that we, every so often, do the same."

Guns were introduced into the competition just three short years ago. Contestants use an assortment of pieces. Manner's was wielding a modified semiautomatic pistol the time this tragic accident occurred.

Mannor refused an interview saying he was "still getting a grasp on the situation, but his deepest regrets went out to the family."

Retired physicist and fellow judge, Rosalinda Heath, 57, said, "Cantue was a man of extreme vision and greatly cared for this town. He will be missed." Heath further added, "it's horrible for all parties involved. In the end, Bryan Mannor's flip was perfect, but now it's forever tainted."

Spectator and future competitor, 13-year-old, Martin Burks said, "it all happened so fast. There was a loud bang, and then Mr. Cantu bobbled back a bit. Then someone screamed, and my mother covered my eyes and dragged me to the car."

As for the contest, it will still kick off next year as Mayor Reyes insured the public saying, "New safety procedures will be put into effect."She believes Assistant Mayor Cantu would have wanted it that way.

The assistant mayor's family will be holding private services at their family cemetery on Friday.


Chapter 6
Aunt Kills Nephew with Pet

By Mia Twysted


School-age boy chokes on pet goldfish while parents away on anniversary weekend.

Todd "Toad" Thompson, 46, and wife Thelma "Third Wheel" Thompson, 44, were away at the Swap 'Em If You Got 'Em Couples Retreat when they were notified their son was in emergency care.

The couple left their son, Tony "Tomboy" Thompson, 7, with Mrs. Thompson's sister Bernice Barracuda, 42. Ms. Barracuda, a bartender at We Serve It Your Way Bar and Grill, returned home from work the evening of the tragedy to relieve the babysitter, check on her nephew, and head off to bed.

Waking about three in the morning to use the facilities, Barracuda realized she had forgotten to feed her aquatic animal life. "I'm a late-night pee-er, she said, "and I'm not ashamed to admit that." Having overfed the fish, she proceeded to use the net to scoop out the access when she was startled by a loud noise behind her.

The young boy, believe to be on his way to use the facilities himself, sounded off a foghorn, which in turn caused his aunt to jump. The net still in the water scooped up the fish launching it into the air.

The goldfish then became lodged in the young boy's throat when it landed. He was hurried to the nearest medical center; however, doctors could not remove the fish in time and were unable to resuscitate the child.

"It's just not the kind of thing you expect to happen to such a young kid, said first officer on the scene, Barry Beater.

"He was a sweet boy, said Barracuda's neighbor Hellen Honey. "He was always lending a helping hand."

Mr. Thompson, a Home and Safety Specialist, addressed reporters saying, "this accident could have been avoided if his mother had taught him how to swallow large portions of meat."

However saddened, the father believes this experience should help make him "better at his chosen profession." So to "keep tragedies like this from happening to others."

Mrs. Thompson, Freelance Organization Coordinator, stated she was "in shock" when she heard the news and "had it not been for the child clone policy taken out on Tony it would have ruined our anniversary weekend."

The Thompson's stated they are planning to file a "suit of extradentary circumstances" with the You Break Them We Remake Them clone company. They hope to have Tony reengineered at the same age, hopefully, with no memory of the tragic event.

Mrs. Thompson stated that her sister has agreed to pay half the restoration fee. The family has also decided to enter counseling to resolve their trust issues over the incident.

The goldfish removed from the young child's throat survived the ordeal and was returned to Ms. Barracuda's fish tank.


Chapter 7
University Explosion Turns Stud

By Mia Twysted

Junior chemist ignites an explosion that discolored fellow students skin and left them in an altered state of consciousness.
 
Working on a new experimental compound Tuesday afternoon Chi Chao, 19, combined several chemicals that fused together creating an explosive mixture. Students both on campus and in the Science Hall Building of "We Take Anyone City College" were shocked and dismayed by the blast.
 
The eruption sent three people to the hospital suffering from aspiration pneumonia, left 17 coated in a green slimy layer dyeing their skin, and over two dozen more reported having experienced severe and vivid hallucinations lasting from five to seven hours.
 
"It was as if everyone Hulked out all the sudden," said Physical Education major Max Whistle, 22, "All these green smile like beings came tumbling out. I thought this is it, first contact, and I was ready to make history."
 
Chao, who is working toward a double Masters in Biochemistry and theoretical chemistry, said, "It's all trial and error till you get it right." The eager sophomore was attempting to create a new inhalant to maximize his high before a test. He also stated, "I came to college to further my education, and today I learned a lesson about what chemicals not to mix."
 
Nicole Fiey, 47, head of the Chemistry Department, said she "would like to think it was Choa's thirst for knowledge that led to this unfortunate accident." She said, "Chao has a good head on his shoulders," and she hopes that he will "take fewer bong hits before class in the future."
 
Dean Benjamin J. Ellison, 59, said, "It's an unfortunate accident, but a classroom is a place for such mistakes." Dean Ellison also wants to "ensure the public new protocols are being put in place to avoid a mishap like this in the future."
 
53-year-old Kay W. Clawson, Human Resources, believes this may "spur other students' interest in science." She claims, "students from various majors are interested in the final result of Chao's experiment."   She says, "this could be the event that makes future scientists or future weed smokers or if we're lucky both."
 
As to the chemicals Chao used in his experience, he and the school are both reluctant to share for future patent reasons.
 
Luckily, all those injured or affected by the event are expected to make a full recovery.
 
Campus police asked that students vacate the area around the Science Hall Building this Saturday for 36 hours so the area may be tented and fumigated before classes resume on Monday.


Chapter 8
Woman gives Birth 3-legged Monke

By Mia Twysted

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content.

Woman gives birth to seven-pound 4 and 1/2 ounces three-legged half primate child in the middle of crowded downtown.

Open partners Mildred and Ted "Minute Man" Weenerwhipple were generous donors and frequent visitors of the 'Pet Em' Friendly Zoo.'

While at the zoo, the couple, Mrs. Weenerwhipple, 37, Pornographic Historian, and Mr. Weenerwhipple, 30, Shredded Cheese Specialist at 'Smell It Cheese Incorporated," formed a special relationship with "Handsy," the zoo's youngest primate.

Unbeknownst to zoo authorities, the Weenerwhipple's would enter the primate's habitat and engage in sexual relations with the creature.

"We had noticed the couple making weekly visits," said Head Zoo Keeper, Dick Johnson, 40. "They continued to come even after Mrs. Weenerwhipple was with child, but we could never have imagined this," Johnson added.

Doctor on scene, MaryKate Sharp-Payne, 56, said, "it was a most interesting delivery. The infant attempted to latch on to its mother's nipple even before it was fully out of the birth canal." After confirming the infant was healthy, Sharp-Payne said about the child, "it was a beautiful baby boy with dark brown hair over eighty percent of the body." She also believes, " the extra limp, which is more primitive than the other two, will not restrict the child in any way."

Mr. Weenerwhipple stated that he "knew the threesome was a bad idea, but that ape taunted and teased till we gave in." He further commented, saying, "We never intended for it to be an ongoing event."

Friends of the family were shocked. "I knew Mildred's job was out of the ordinary, but I never thought she'd engage in those kinds of sexual acts," said Vagina Bushsnap, 35, Professional Hair Boiler, about her bridge partner Mrs. Weenerwhipple.

Since the break of this story, other couples have come forward, also allegedly having a secret relationship with the primate. Each claiming it was the primate himself that initiated the interactions.

Head Zoo Keeper Johnson wants to assure zoo benefactors and guests that "the zoo will be undergoing a renovation with upgrade devoted to animal security," and the primate in question, Handsy, "will undergo specialized counseling with an animal expert."


The Weenerwhipple's are not being charged in the incident, for although they engaged in bestiality, Handsy has assumed full responsibility according to his sign-language translater.

The Weenerwhipple's has, however, decided to leave town and start new careers with the "Not Your Typical Side Show" company performing at the local fairgrounds this weekend.

Mrs. Weenerwhipple stated, "we'll be sure to bring the baby around for a visit to meet Handsy before Mr. Weenerwhipple I leave town."


Chapter 9
Accidental Death Turned Sexual

By Mia Twysted

Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of violence.
Warning: The author has noted that this contains the highest level of sexual content.

A woman thought to have perished in a Florida boating accident is now believed to have died of foul play instead.

The body of Frequent Flyer Specialist Anya Vaughn, 54, washed up on the Florida shores a month after her captain's boat exploded, with her believed to be aboard.

Vaughn's body, found by a group of local teens, was naked and bound. Her hands had been zip-tied behind her back, and her ankles fastened together with a rope. A rope, police believe at one time, was attached to an anchor at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

The New York resident was on vacation in Florida with her husband of three and half years, 32-year-old Aiden Shannon. Shannon, a software developer, was considered a suspect by the police in the initial investigation. However, they didn't have any solid evidence that placed Shannon on or near the boat at the time of the explosion.


Stan Halin, 43, owner and operator of Grasshopper Lawns, reported to police he had overheard Vaughn and Shannon talking about having a "special rendezvous out on the water" the morning before Vaughn's boat exploded.

Police had been able to establish Shannon's presence on the dock at the Wavebird Country Club; but not on the boat itself.

Vaughn's sister Amelia Baxter, 50, wife of Corporate Executive Matthew Baxter, was outraged. She said she informed police she had "suspected foul play from the very beginning."

"The light in her life was a fire burning all around her," Baxter said about her sister. Who, she said, she, "warned" that "her appetite would be the death of her."

News of Vaughn's body reached her former assistant, Jennifer Ware, 25, who told police the couple had been fighting almost constantly fighting the week before the initial "accident."

Ware said she would have come forward sooner had not she "been unfairly fired by Vaughn" or "the news had suggested any foul play was involved."

These recent developments gave officials reason to re-open the case, and they have taken Shannon into custody.

Shannon made a statement to the press that he and his wife often indulged in "sexual fantasies." However, when he presented his current vision to her, she "turned up her nose and just refused." The fantasy Shannon was hoping to share with his wife was cannibalism.

Sonny Hoover, 31, Shannon's long-time friend and business partner, said after Shannon killed his wife, he "went on a whiskey diet and immediately lost three days." Hoover also said it was "after he sobered up" that he "confessed the whole ordeal" to him. Hoover is being charged with accessory after the fact.

Vaughn's ex-husband Sterling Vaughn III, 57, Senior Accountant at Golden, Alpine, and Andrew said his ex-wife lived to "create scandal" and "now with her death she had done the same."

Wavebird Country Club members are "shocked" and "severely troubled by the turn of events in this case," said Manager of the club Thomas Herring. He added he "couldn't imagine there docks being used to in such a nefarious crime" and would like to ensure the club members and the public that they will be "installing a new security system on the docks."

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