By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "Lift up your eyes from your books, from your past, from your hurts and look upon all people with love, because when you look into another's eyes and see innocence, you find it in yourself" |
Why Are We Here?
“Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.”
King Solomon, Ecclesiastes 8:15
Painting: an alternate perception of "Starry Night, by Vincent Van Gough
Now, I am not going to claim that I have discovered the purpose for existence, BUT, I will say that, after experiencing a little over a half-century of life, I truly believe that I have gotten a glimpse of a reflection of the ice-berg that represents the purpose for MY existence.
I am utilizing the age-old philosophical reference to the "Ice Berg" metaphor. It represents the fact that, when you "see" an ice berg floating, you are only able to visually observe a very small fraction of the whole; a lot remains invisible, or "Beneath the surface", if you will.
| Author Notes |
The quote is by
Drago Brotasenu, Ph.D, and Author Written Sunday, May 29th, 2017. |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | Dedicated to my mommy! |
| Author Notes |
Written on January 19, 2017.
Sometimes memories from this period in one's life can be vague and sparse, but because of the nature of my terror, this day is vividly etched into my mind. |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | This chapter is dedicated to my dad |
Born on April twentieth, nineteen sixty-three at Washoe Medical Center, in the biggest little city in the world, Reno, Nevada. I was the third boy born to my loving and attentive parents, entitling me to not only be "the baby", but to be spoiled not only by my mommy and daddy, but aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.
I was born prematurely, as were my two older siblings. It seems that my mother had a hard time carrying to full term, and I know that I have a couple of other siblings that were born first that did not make it. I will be including their names and dates of birth in a subsequent chapter.
We moved shortly thereafter to Folsom, California, and these are some of my memories there, around the age of three to five.
I was standing in a room right next to the sliding glass door to the patio, admiring my father's oak gun cabinet. It was a little over twice my height, and I could have stacked six of me inside.
I was noticing the difference between the smooth glass of the sliding door to the patio, and the rippled look to the glass on the double locking doors of the rifle cabinet. As I looked at it's contents, the image that I perceived was slightly distorted, or rippled, kind of what it looks like when you put a stick in the water.
My daddy told me that his antique cabinet had come around Cape Horn, the tip of Chile, in South America. This was before the Panama Canal had been built. He explained that the panes were handmade, as opposed to the machine made glass that was on the patio doors. That accounted for the irregularity that I noticed.
He is a good mentor, always encouraging my curiosity by complimenting me not only on my ability to notice the difference, but also the awareness to ask why.
Standing with one hand on the smooth, cool wood, and the other clutching an Oscar Meyer hot dog.
| Author Notes |
I dedicated this to my father, who suffered because of my addiction. Of course I have suffered because of other's selfishness, but I for one am ready to forgive and forget, and start with a clean slate; ever looking forward to a bright future. I most certainly have learned from the past, and therefore have not forgotten it; but I do not dwell on it, nor do I choose to beat a dead horse.
I pray that this can help, along with the money and gifts that I have offered in sincerity, to convey my sincere appreciation, although it was never asked for. Think about it. |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | This chapter is dedicated to all those who are still suffering. |
I Live at North Side Recovery, in Del Paso Heights, a suburb of Sacramento, California. from 2012 to September of 2016, I lived by the Feather River in Marysville, CA, which is about an hour N of here
I moved here to Sacramento for a number of reasons: I like it here, there are great resources, and I needed to get away from the drug scene, from which I had been suffering as an intra-veinous methamphetamine user for twenty-four years.
I started by checking myself into Sierra Vista Mental Hospital. I had been there before, and I knew that they would take good care of me. Since I had just had a hernia surgery, they sent me from there to Mercy General Hospital, where I recieved the most gentle and loving care. I mostly slept and healed.
My next stop was for two months at Heritage Oaks Mental Hospital. There I got the tools that I needed to enjoy recovery, and I knew that they would not release me until I had a stable place to live. I met some very interesting people there, and I got the opportunity to share my love of life, my poetry, and my music, as I had my guitar, and performed.
I got out in December 2015, and moved into Midtown Independant Living. Because I had literally lost everything (but my guitar) to my addiction, I had no identification. So, I had to go back to Marysville to my bank to get rent money. I was firm in my resolve to quit using, but meth is such a crafty and cunning enemy that I suffered a relapse. I told myself,
"You are doing so well, a couple of hits is not going to hurt you". Three days of hell later, I found that NOT to be the case.
I went from there to a house on Thomas Street, in North Highlands, with what I thought was a stronger resolve. Heriatage Oaks Hospital had set me up with this living condition also. The image is one that I took there, with the gorgeous and fragrant Jonquils blooming out front.
When I arrived at around 9:00 PM, I was met by a friend that I had met at Heritage Oaks, Daniel. He was also on SSI, and he got money on his card every Wednesday. He was my room-mate, and when he got his money, the first thing that he did was buy an eight-ball. This is slang for 1/8th of an ounce, or three point five grams.
Well, there went all my resolve again. I just could not get away from it, and it was driving me crazier! So, disgusted, weary, and even more strung out, I sought solace at L to L sober living, near Auburn and Watt Avenue.
I stayed there, and it was a much more stable environment. I was required to attend three NA meetings a week. It was a beautiful house in the suburbs, and I really started enjoying sobriety. I was surrounded by recovering addicts, and we all worked together to stay clean one day at a time.
My next stop was the best, Northside Recovery. Now, don't get me wrong, I would very much like to have a place of my own, and enjoy those comforts, but this is where God has me, and I embrace that. He told me that I was to prosper in that which He would have me to do, and to share the blessings that I have and the talents that I have been blessed with.
I am so very thankful, I was raised with old school values: honor, integrity, courtesy, honesty, pride in your family name, and hard work. Having this thankful attitude, just when I think that things have leveled out into a comfortable plateau, He takes me even Higher!
Now I have a great job conducting surveys for Research America, and with the resources that I have available, I am able to enrich and bless not only my life, but the lives of all those around me. I love to cook, and there is a gas oven and stove at the house.
My first payday, I bought a prime rib, and cooked it with all the trimmings, green beans with bacon, onion, and tomatoes, my special smashed garlic potatoes with cream cheese and sour cream with a parmesan crust, and berry pie with fresh whipped cream for dessert.
Everyone there loves and looks up to me, especially my roommate, Curtis. He is very special to me, and God put me here to help take care of him. He also is a recovering addict, who lost one eye to a bullet wound. His addiction took him far away, and he no longer even knows how to contact any of his family members.
Another thing that has greatly helped me in my recovery is, since the person who conducted the Wed. night NA meetings left, I filled in and took over. After a lot of upheavel and changes at the house, all of the meetings were cancelled.
Tomorrow night, I will be starting the NA meeting up again, but now it is voluntary, not mandatory.
To show my appreciation for how well the guys are doing, I made French dip sandwitches and my special smashed potatoes with plenty of Au jus and rich brown gravy, and told them this is the type of gourmet cooking that you will enjoy WHEN you decide to attend my meetings. Honey attracts more bees than vinegar!
I am happy, blessed, and fulfilled. I have let go and let God, and He is taking me on a wild ride that is honestly enjoyable, not fake and short lived, like the drugs.
I know that addiction is a progressive disease, because it just got worse and more miserable. Now thing are improving exponentially. I have a future, which is bright and fulfilling.
Jeremiah 29:11 states,
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
I am living proof, and February 4th will be my one year birthday.
| Author Notes |
Thank-you for reading, may my message of faith, strength, and hope give you cheer and sustained faith.
God Bless You~ |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | Dedicated to all in recovery. Keep up the good work! |
If you are like me in this way, then you know that some things can only be accomplished the hard way!
When you enter the world of recovery, you are faced with a new lease on life; you get to "re-invent" yourself, shedding the bad habits and slowly, painfully, replacing them with new, constructive and life skill building ones. In this process, one must learn about one's "character" flaws, those evil skeletons hiding in our closets that have manipulated and controlled our negative behaviors for so long.
The reason that they are so hard to identify and change is because they are so firmly engrained in our personality, like years of crusty barnacles and grime cemented to the underside of a seagoing vessel.
Mr. Darren found out quickly that one of his main flaws was, (is, still working on it!), ANGER.
Styx put it very succinctly in a song off the 1977 album, "Grand Illusion" called "Fooling Yourself (Angry Young Man)",
"Why must you be such an angry young man, when your future looks quite bright to me?"
I found that the one that I am angriest at is me!
This is the letter that I wrote:
To Whom It may Concern:
This is the story of bedbugs (and other) problems that I have experienced at North Side Recovery.
The problem started in June of 2016. The bugs were a problem and it was all that Bill G., the day manager, could do to keep up with the constant complaints. He was treating the mattresses with powder. I kept having problems, and on the evening of May 31st, it came to a head!
I came back after the first meeting that I had missed since my residency (there are three mandatory meetings, T, W, and Thursday, and I had been so tired from lack of sleep that I fell asleep on the bike trail and inadvertently missed the meeting)
| Author Notes | I am truly thankful that, after a bit of conflict and irritation, I have gained a valuable lesson! |
By Badger_29
The Holy Spirit is a palpable catalyst; the binding agent that connects, convicts, and communicates with us constantly, to those who acknowledge and are receptive.
This "Force" or "Energy" is all around us at all times, whether we interact with it or not.
And of course I am certain that there are times that we DO have interaction, or protection from The Holy Spirit without realizing it.
I was born with some mental challenges including ADHD, obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar type I, and Tourette's syndrome. This complex combination of mental factors has basically hardwired me to be a thrill seeker who can't pay attention to what he's doing.
Making my life quite exciting, but the downfall is that I tend to be extremely accident prone, and have looked death in the face three times.
So, my average mental state these days is one of a variable sponteneity that conforms roughly to my schedule or obligatory items that happen to be on my agenda.
One of the many reasons that I enjoy living in Sacramento, California is because of the Capitol's many valuable and rich resources that are available there for not only disabled people, but any number of other sub-sets that you can imagine, AA/NA, etc.
One such program is known as "the Ripple Effect".
Their philosophy is that, by helping the lunatic fringe, or mentally disabled sub-set of the homeless population, that these good deeds will spread out like a ripple into the community.
Their sevices include a drop-in day center that provides lunch, basic first aid, access to the internet, and to other community services. I have received a lot of assistance, help, counselling, and moral support from the wonderful staff there.
I was riding my bike to the RT train station to head home one evening after having taken care of some obligations downtown. The setting sun lent a warm, maroon backglow to the downtown buildings. There was a pungent aroma of wet leaves in the air.
I entered the park that surrounds the Sutter Fort near 28th and J streets, and rode past the white walls of the fort, the quacking duck pond, and the Indian Museum.
Cuttting across to where The Ripple Effect is located above the Church, the thought crossed my mind that I might stop in and say hello, and let them all know how well I was doing, and how much I had appreciated their help in my time of need.
But I decided to keep going toward home, as it was already after their normal business times, and I was hungry.
Then, it ocurred to me that I was being "pulled" in that
direction, and I have learned to become sensitive to this pull.
As I turned into the alley way to the entrance of the program, I could see that the sign was no longer there. Like so many things in life, they come and go like so many birds mimicking the scattered nature of my thoughts.
I looked toward the fenced in area where clients could store their bikes and carts, and the small playground for the children.
Kneeling there on a dirty blanket was a pregnant homeless woman, with her head wrapped in a cloth cover, and a rosary clutched in her hand. She was rocking and praying in a haunting sing-song that did something weird and wonderful to my spirit.
As I approached, her head rose and she looked at me like
she knew me.
Tears were streaming down her grime-tracked cheeks, and on her face an expression that reflected rapture.
Looking up at me with startlingly clear blue eyes, she asked me,
"Are you the angel that I was praying for?"
By this time, this came to me as no surprise, nor did I find my response ironic,
"Well, I don't know. What exactly were you praying for?"
She proceeded to explain that she was at her wits end, that she had faith, but was looking for some type of help or confirmation, anything that would aid her in her time of desperate need. She said that she did not feel like there was relief in sight from any source.
She had just recently married, but her husband was not keeping his end of the bargain.
"You see, he is addicted to heroin, and he told me that my love was the only thing that could save him. But still, he makes no effort at all to do anything toward abstaining from this horrible habit. And it is killing him, and tearing us apart!
I just don't know if I should stay with him or not!"
So I looked up and gave thanks, clasped her trembling hand, and prayed.
In my past I would have been a bit more ambivalent about praying for something requiring a specific prayer, but I have since garnered a more positive and lasting connection to The Spirit, and am never at a loss for the proper verbiage.
So as The Spirit guided my words, my prayer of supplication for my sister in Christ flowed out like the river for which the city is named.
Like so many other areas of my life, when I
"Let go and let God",
things go a lot smoother!
After we prayed, she stood up and pierced me with those intense azure eyes, and a sober expression that indicated genuine gratitude for my compassionate help.
I gently reminded her that it was not me, but rather the spirit working
| Author Notes |
Thanks to Google for the image.
When you feel the spirit, heed the call, and you will be proportionally rewarded. In my opinion, one purpose for existence is to interact with each other in a mutually beneficial manner; positive networking. Much like we do here . . . |
By Badger_29
I chose my Irish coat of arms for the image. This part of my heritage goes back to a great grandmother on my father's side. The O' Conners, a proud black Irish race.
The term 'Black Irish' has commonly been in circulation among Irish emigrants and their descendants for centuries. As a subject of historical discussion the subject is almost never referred to in Ireland. There are a number of different claims as to the origin of the term, none of which are possible to prove or disprove. Black Irish' is often a description of people of Irish origin who had dark features, black hair, dark complexion and eyes. Source:
http://www.ireland-information.com/articles/blackirish.htm
In reference to my post on St. Patrick's Day, titled
"Irish", a limerick suite:
Out of seventy-seven reviews, sixty-eight are five, and nine are six! I can not begin to tell you how truly grateful I am. This fills me with a wonderful sense of accomplishment, comradery, and a sense of belonging to this extended family. I am simply amazed at the outpouring of wonderful feedback which I have received here!
After the wonderful responses to my two previous epilogues, for "Shades of Grey", and "Tre` Realites' ", I have decided to explain this one, and include some of the very insightful and revealing reviews for
"Irish: limerick suite"
There's a great little song in Irish (based on a folktale) called
De`Luain, De`Mairt,
in which a crippled man called Donal Bocht Cam (Poor, Twisted Donal) rescues a group of fairies from the monotony of singing Monday, Tuesday, Monday, Tuesday in Irish over and over by supplying the Irish word for Wednesday.
The fairies reward Donal by removing the hump from his back and sending him on his way healthy and sound (not a typical result of encounters with Irish fairies, which tend, on the whole, to be rather unpleasant creatures!).
You may never encounter a group of fairies stuck on repeat, but, if you're learning Irish (or thinking about learning it), it's always useful to know the days of the week (and how to use them properly). First, the basics
If you simply need to recite the days of the week, here is what you would say:
De Luain (Jay LOO-in): Monday
De Mairt (Jay march): Tuesday
De Cadaoin (Jay KAY-deen): Wednesday
Deardaoin (JAY-ar-deen): Thursday
De hAoine (Jay HEEN-yeh): Friday
De Sathairn (Jay SA-ha-rin): Saturday
De Domhnaigh (Jay DOH-nee): Sunday
Methamphetamine is a powerful, highly addictive stimulant that affects the central nervous system. Also known as meth, chalk, ice, and crystal, among many other terms, it takes the form of a white, odorless, bitter-tasting crystalline powder that easily dissolves in water or alcohol. From HIH, the National Institue on Drug Abuse
Comment Written 18-Mar-2017
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
| Author Notes |
Thanks to Google for the image.
Slainte`! Slainte is the most used Irish expression in America, our reader survey discovered. Slainte, meaning 'Good Health,' is an ancient Irish expression that derives from the word slain, meaning safe. |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | To The Spirit of North Side Recovery |
~
~~~
I have been living at North Side Recovery for about a year now. Located in scenic Del Paso Heights, a suburb of Sacramento, California.
It is owned by Bill and Patty, who are done with this career, and have worked hard to earn a peaceful retirement. The whole property is on the market.
This includes two more houses, and six two bedroom cottages out back.
There are roses, gardens, wonderful shade trees, a hammock, and a lush green lawn.
Bill and Patty are good people, and throughout a thirty year span, have helped countless people come to live recovery, many of them still residents, friends, and neighbors.
The house manager, Bill G, is a very thoughtful, kind, and understanding man who has overcome great obstacles to be in his current position. I would give my life for that man, is his worth to me AND mankind.
The house is older, but nice. There is a dorm, living-room, kitchen, office, and my room-mate Curt and my bedroom upstairs.
There is gas for cooking, and plenty of utensils and kitchen gadgets for my gourmet cuisine style of cooking.
There is a laundry room, with washer and dryer in the entry-way to downstairs,
where there is one bedroom, and another dorm.
When I moved in, there were three mandatory meetings a week: Tuesday AA, Wednesday NA, and Thursday House meeting.
Sean did the NA meeting, but when he left about August of 2016, it was very natural for me to fill in and take over.
Plus, it was not only very rewarding, but it gave me an opportunity to:
polish my speaking skills, give me some more direction and structure, and learn to bond with my house mates in a setting that is conducive to growth and, therefore, a greater sense of self confidence, trust, and love between us all.
As time has gone on, all of the meetings have stopped, except for the house meeting, where Bill reminds us of the house rules, which are fairly standard.
Since I moved in, there has been a tremendous turnover in house managers and residents, and a lot of people who leave, end up improving, or otherwise, and come back for another stay.
The rules are very lax, and there is very little structure or program, as everything is in a constant state of flux chaos.
Because of the unbalanced nature of the environment, I have really been challenged with learning what I call,
"The finer art of social interaction:
under the most interestingly difficult ~circumstances"
I have learned a whole lot there in what seems like a very short time!
(Refer to chapter three,
"Mr. Darren and Recovery",
and chapter four,
"Bedbugs and Character Flaws")
There was a resident named Tim, who was watching TV loud. When I came in, I kindly asked him to turn it down, and he did, so I went to bed.
Then he turned it up again, so I asked him again, and he ignored me. So, I reached down for the controller, and quick as a flash, he jumped up and socked me in the eye!
Now, here is a very good example of my growth, and my ability to
"rise above and beyond the call of duty"
The old me, well, it would have been on and crackin', and I fear that there could have been very serious injury or death.
But, the new me, stood back, analyzed, and called the house manager, who was Doc at the time. He came immediately, and made sure the friction was over, for the time being.
The next morning, Bill asked me if Tim hit me, which I replied in the affirmative. Then he asked me if I fought back, to which I replied "no", and he told me that he was proud of me.
And He told Me that He was Proud of Me!
Do you know how good it is to hear that, after you have been struggling, toiling, and suffering? The icing on the cake.
Now, there is a new conflict: there are jealous bullies there, and it has escalated to the point that I am literally afraid to go home.
I am working, stable, and have been clean and sober for fourteen months on April 4.
I do not feel that it is fair, but all of these things happen for a grand purpose for, if we can get a bare glimpse of this
"Grand Performance",
it is all written in The Good Book.
Ecclesiastes chapter 3 states:
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
~
You see what I am getting at here,
when I look at these seemingly insurmountable elements in this light,
they grow smaller.
~
18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?
I do rejoice in my works, the fruits of my labors.
I am happy, blessed, content (to an extent), learning, growing, and I have retained my youthful spontaneity and zest for life.
And it is kindled even brighter now, for as I reinvent myself, I realize that I have been given many valuable gifts.
And with that comes a great and unshakeable responsibility to live up to my potential.
I am ever indebted to:
God, My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, The Power and communication of The Holy Spirit,
and to my loving family for instilling the good traits that I was raised with, like honor, integrity, honesty, courtesy, and an abounding wonder for the majesty and scope of this cosmic dance;
in which we are a bit more major players that we sometimes realize!
I would also like to thank the folks at CARES Community Clinic, for ongoing health and psychiatric care, therapy, dental
(I have new teeth!), chiropractic help,
and a really great pharmacy.
I would like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to Bill and Patty, Nichole, Bill G, Doc, Shelly, Julia, Cappy, Christy, and anyone who has been part of the staff.
And, last but not least, to my friends at FanStory for giving me so much positive feedback- you are an integral part of this stage of my life, and you can all be proud of your accomplishments, your feedback, and your outstanding attitude.
To quote Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, in his honor and remembrance of past bass player Syd Barret:
"Shine On You Crazy Diamond"
Darren Gandy,
Survivor!
~~~~~
~~~
~
| Author Notes | Written under content duress (~!~) At McDonald's, mid-town Sacramento, Monday, April 17, 2017 |
By Badger_29
Hi. My name is Darren, and I found out at the age of seventeeen that there is a lot more to life than partying and raising hell. (I turned out to be the only hell my mama ever raised)
Not that I am a big hell raiser, I was actually blessed with a loving, caring, and nurturing family.
Born April 20, 1963 at Washoe Medical Center in Reno, NV. I have two older brothers (my immediate family), and a younger sister.
Bruce is four years older than me, Shawn two, and Sara is twelve years younger.
I had a magical childhood, I have lead an extravagant life, and I have enjoyed the best of both worlds, good and bad.
My first job was at a dump in Carson City, Nevada at the age of fifteen. I got paid cash under the table, and it instilled a good work attitude for future jobs. I collected recyclables, cleaned up discarded brick, and other various landfill duties.
My second job was at Village Inn Pancake House, in Rock Springs Wyoming. I was sixteen, and I learned to hustle pan flipping eggs, while the wheel was wrapped, and the harried waitresses were scrambling for their orders.
One of the most rewarding things about this job was learning to appreciate the finer art of cooking breakfast, and separating to beat the egg whites up fluffy to make the best pancake batter.
I was also be exposed to what was to be some of the most valuable advice that I ever considered.
My Boss, Dennis, told me,
"It is a good idea to come to the job with a professionsl attitude."
And this implies a lot of things; being prompt (at least fifteen minutes early), clean, with appropriate clothes, you don't gossip, steal, lie, or bear false witness, you pay your debts, and you strive to become part of the solution, not the problem.
But, he also added that it is a good idea to adopt this attitude in LIFE. And that advice just stuck.
Next, at the age of seventeen, I worked for Charles Brown and his loving wife at Eugene's Pizza, in Green River, Wyoming.
Here my duties were: making pizza dough, constructing mouth-watering pizzas, sub-sandwiches, and soups, maintaining the salad bar, and prep cooking.
Charles was a kind, patient boss, with a good attitude, and a compliment for everyone. He exhibited a sunny disposition that was immediately engaging.
One day he hosted a
"Full Gospel Businessmen's Meeting", and invited me to grab a soda and take a break.
The first thing they did was pray, and give thanks for their many blessings.
Some of the men were praying in a different language, and I wondered, but figured that it was some tongue I had never heard.
Then they did some laying on of hands, and healing.
Now, I was quite skeptical when I saw a man was healed for having one leg longer than the other, I fugured they were pulling my leg, pun intended.
Then they had an altar call.
The man got up, and asked if "anyone" felt the need to ask Jesus into their life.
I was a long-haired, pot and tobacco smoking kid, and I did NOT want anything to do with those Jesus freaks, or what appeared to me to be a phony presentation.
However, before I knew what was happening, something was pulling at my heart; some invisible strings seemed to be connected.
As I reluctantly but undeniably stepped forward, I was crying.
Now, I have always placed a great deal of value on this activity, and do it daily, but usually not in public, after the age of about eleven.
Looking back, I realize that the tears represented a couple of things:
That I was in love with the world, but had to learn to leave these "earthly" pleasures behind;
that I was being granted a huge gift of eternal life, which I had little comprehension as to the value, scope, and significance, and
It was the end of innocence.
I Peter 2:9-10 states:
9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light:
10 Which in time past were not a people, but are now the people of God: which had not obtained mercy, but now have obtained mercy.
So, I came to learn that my name was written in the Book Of Life before the foundation of the world. And, I am peculiar.
Now, my logical, scientific mind is screaming,
"If this is all written, then are we mere robots?"
But, I have come to find out that the answer is resounding NO!
We have been granted the choice of free will, and the most important thing to me is to fulfill the Great Commission, to actively seek where I can find those lost sheep, and gently lead them into, or back into the fold.
It is literally as simple as that.
Now, it has not been easy, but I have come to find out that God has groomed me for His good purpose.
He has blessed me abundantly, lead, protected, and guided me every step of the way.
Even when I was doing wrong, or especially when I was doing wrong.
He has amazingly and undeniably proven His existence to me beyond any questionable doubt, and I am so grateful.
The best way for me to explain this is with scripture.
1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.
2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.
3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out.
4 And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.
5 And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.
6 This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them.
7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.
8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.
9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.
~And here is my favorite part~
10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
~For I am living that abundant life!~
11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.
I am a preacher, philosopher, and poet, and these three P's work for the good in my life.
I believe implicitly in The Good Book, for I know in my heart that God, who was wise enough to create all of the splendor of this magnificent world, and the heavens, and the vast galaxies, is faithful and just to have an accurate copy of His Word available to His followers.
I will claim Romans 8:28, which says:
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
There you have it. Not some things, not good things, and not bad things.
All things.
Furthermore, verses 29-31 are more evidence of my calling:
29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
30 Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
And yet, this is still just the beginning of this wonderful and exciting path which I have chosen. Won't you consider following?
Revelation 3:20
"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."
It is my prayer that this testimony is presented with a special blessing to all who read and hear, and I state this on April 23, 2017, being of a sound mind, in The Name Of Jesus Christ.
| Author Notes | This has been a hard, but vastly rewarding road, filled with miracles. Some small and almost unnoticeable, some that rock my world with outstanding clarity and far reaching repercussions; much like a ripple of goodness. |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | Conflict of Ch. 7 was resolved. |
I am writing to let my readers know that God is good, he answers prayers, and sometimes you just have to be patient.
In chapter seven, I talked about problems that I was having with bullies where I live at North Side Recovery.
Specifically, (names have been changed for courtesy and discretion),
Dave and Ken moved in.
Now, Dave is a tall, goofy kid who laughs a lot (loudly), is up-beat and bubbly. He, like me, is a type A outgoing and intense personality, and enjoys being the "class clown", having the spotlight.
Ken is a schizophrenic (not the only one there) who had a hard life growing up as an orphan in group homes, etc., including abuse of all kinds. He is a brilliant poet, so we connected right off the bat.
Then Dave got jealous, angry, and for some reason, my presence became threatening to him . . .
(please refer to chapter 7 for more details), and got very hateful to me.
One night Dave and Ken came out and proceeded to "tag team me", one making me angry and the other telling me that I was being direspectful by raising my voice.
This brought up an ocean of emotion from my sub-conscious memories of being small and bullied in school. I was terrified!
Dave was complaining that I was watching TV too late, and proceeded to turn the TV off.
I had finally had enough, and I went back and knocked on the night man's door. He did not answer.
Next, I called Bill G., who also was unavailable.
Out of options, and literally locked in my room with them jiggling the door knob, and taunting the way bullies do, I called the police.
The dispatcher said she would send someone, but called later (~!~) to say that they had been too busy.
Finally Cappy, the night man got up, and I told him what was happening.
Hopefully I am conveying the level of hostility in my environment, and how it was having a continuing and horrible effect on me.
The next morning, Bill G., the main house manager, got very angry with the situation, and told Ken that he had to pack and leave.
He said, "I can not have other tenants locked in their room, calling the Police"
But, things being the way they are, after the steam blew off, Ken stayed.
I am glad that he did.
It was getting to the point that I was ready to go back to the hosital, or the streets, or anywhere else.
I was entering a state of deep and insidious depression, and was suffering from anxiety, a feeling of hopelessness, and my mind kept obsessing on these things, trying to find a solution.
Now, I have gotten reviews telling me that I "over" wrote this, but I am merely attempting, as desperately as the situation was, to find the appropriate verbage to accurately describe the complex and mixed up emotions that I was experiencing!
I believe I have done an acceptable job at this.
Thanks for being patient, and reading on!
I am going to utilize scripture from the King James Version of the Holy Bible to help explain:
This is from the Old testament book of Proverbs, chapter three-
1 My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments:
2 For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee.
3 Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart:
4 So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
~and this is the part that is most relevent~
5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
If I just trusted Him to go before me, it would have saved a lot of needless worry. You see, I have been trying to do things "my way" for a long time, and old habits die hard. I prayed that Dave would leave; yet another subtle but obvious error on my part.
It says that we are to acknowledge Him
"In all our ways",and He will direct our paths.
As someone who has experienced His Holy Spirit, AND human behaviour, I have come to the realization that, while in "the flesh", we are incapaple of "acknowledging Him" Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
(I know that I could have said, "24-7", but as a professional writer, I like to be specific, as some readers might not be familiar with that idiom).
So, we acknowledge Him when we can, and learn through trial, error, and:
~"Prayers answered"~,
to acknowledge Him more and more often, and with greater zeal and joy, because:
He is So Good to me, all of the time.
Well, Dave came up to me and apologized last night. He patted me on the shoulder, shook my hand, and sincerely apologized for his behaviour.
To balance the equation, and because it was the right thing to do, I followed suit, and we walked away having shaken on a mutual peace treaty.
And, one reason that he did this, as I discovered later, is because my room-mate, Curtis, told him that I was getting depressed and miserable.
He told him that I was fun to be around when I was at my best, and not in a hostile, unfriendly environment.
I am thankful, humbled, and my faith is not only sustained, but strengthened.
I am much more at ease, and have returned to my feelings of being at peace with God, my chaotic environment, my housemates, and myself.
Darren~ Monday, April 24, 2017
~~~~~
~~~
~
| Author Notes |
This is relief, and I am able to move on with His plan for me.
Thank-you, Lord~ |
By Badger_29
My family starts with my father, mother, two immediate brothers, and my younger sister. My dad was born in Martinez, California on 6/6/36. My mom, in Waukegan Illinois on 3/1/42. Brother Bruce in Doyle, CA 2/17/1959, brother Shawn, Truckee, CA 4/24/1961, Darren, (me) Reno, Nevada on 4/20/1963, and sister Sara in Concord CA 6/6/1976.
When Sara was born, she was premature, like all of us (I had other siblings that were born before Bruce that did not survive), and my mom caught a rare child-bearing fever, and they both came close to death.
I lived in Reno, then in Sparks, NV, then in Folsom, CA, then Martinez, CA, then Concord CA. While I lived in Concord, My father had another son named David, by another woman.
Then, when I turned 18, my father and mother separated, and my father re-married my step-mother, Esther, and had a perfect family: a son, Daniel, and a daughter, Mary.
My father has two sisters and a brother. His mother, Annette, died when I was twelve years old. His Father, Bruce, died in 1989. His sister Gene passed away, as did his brother, my uncle Terry. Terry Married my Aunt Dee, who already had a son, Rodney, and daughter, Theresa. Then, together, they had a son, Michael.
My father's sister, my Aunt Millicent, who is still alive, had a son, my cousin Clint, and a daughter, my cousin Karen. She had about seven husbands, and I have fond memories of them and all of their talents and quirks. Clint married and had children, as did Karen, although I am not certain as to their sexes, as we are no longer in contact.
My aunt Millicent married my uncle George Thompson, who was a cowboy and shoed horses. After George passed away, she also remarried.
My aunt Gene married my uncle Lloyd, who had a son, but they did not have any children.
On my mother's side, were my Grandma Quinn, Grandpa Jack, who are both deceased, and my aunt Emily.
Aunt Emily married uncle John McIntyre, and they bore my cousins Michael, Mark, Chuck, Lisa, and Lori. Lisa and I are the same age, but Chuck, who is no longer with us, and I are the ones that really connected, being the youngest of three boys of sisters, AND being the addict/ alcoholic/ trouble making black sheep of the family. Aunt Emily and Uncle John divorced in 1975, and my aunt married my uncle AJ, who is a very accomplished and interesting individual. He was an elementary school principal, and has a pilot's license. He is still flying at the age of eighty. They live here in California on a five acre parcel, where, among other things, he grows and sells almonds. My aunt Emily is a very driven and accomplished lady. She sews, knits, crochets, tats, cooks, quilts, and makes furniture. Her son Michael is a dentist in Maryland, and has a girlfriend, Kate, but no offspring. Mark is single, chuck is deseased, Lisa has no children, but my cousin Lori is where the legacy of young deaths in the family begins to unravel.
Lori had a boyfriend, Polo, who is African-American. Together, they bore Corey Farrish McIntyre, who was born in 1972 and died tragically in 1978. Lori married Larry, and bore two more sons. They all live together in Illinois.
My sister married Michael S., and they bore four children, Noah, Abigail, Sydney, and Emily Rose. Michael worked for Davey Tree in Yuba City. Then my sister and her family moved to Billings, Montana. Michael died tragically in a motorcycle accident. My mother moved to Billings to help.
My father currently lives in Wyoming with my step-mother.
My brother Shawn married Tianna, and has five children, two of which are twins. Unfortunately, we are no longer in contact. He lives in Wyoming, with his wife and five children.
My brother Bruce married Stacy, and had Shannon, Lindsey, then Bruce junior. Now, my half brother, Daniel was Bruce Junior's uncle, but the nephew was older, due to the timeline. They were very close, and Bruce Junior, after marrying and seperating Amber, lived with Daniel in Wyoming, where they both worked. Daniel came home from work one night to find Bruce deceased. He was preceeded in death by his mother, Stacy, a few years previous.
Bruce Senior is a grandfather. His daughter Lindsey bore Austin, her only son. They live in Northern California.
This is my family.
| Author Notes | The roots go deep . . . |
By Badger_29
Dear Reader,
I received a nice card from a family member. I was excited to open it and get a warm Christmas greeting.
The greeting was there, along with a message that was not quite as fitting.
It said,
"You are really writing well, but it is too bad that you wasted all of that time (those years) leading up to this", or " not righting" (typo intended).
This has the disquieting effect of making the reader AND the writer feel a bit sheepishly chagrined.
Now, I believe that such a message is intended to strengthen my resolve in my recovery, but do not believe that a Christmas card is most appropriate
time and place for it.
I, for one, ascertain that I was not utilizing this precious commodity that we call "time" to the best of my ability, nor was I living up to my potential.
However, being in recovery NOW, I truly embrace the fact that this was an obstacle; or challenge that I had to overcome to become the person that I am. And having overcome, not only am I stronger, but it gives greater substance and veracity to MY message of strength and hope, which I deliver as the Secretary of the regular Wednesday night NA meeting in the recovery house in which I reside. My meetings have become quite popular, because HE gifted me with not only the ability of eloquent oration, but gave me a true story and the passion ~ compassion to speak it with conviction, and humor.
In that light, it is my firm understanding that, in the grand scheme of things, as long as you are learning, improving, and striving to make the world, the country, the state, your county, your city, and your immediate environment a better place, then no time has ever actually been "wasted".
Romans chapter 8 verse 28 states,
"And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His
purpose". This specifically says ALL, not some.
There is a useful Latin phrase which states,
"Carpe Diem",
Which means seize the day .
The past is gone. Although we DO need to learn from our mistakes, once we learn, we move on; we do not let the devil beat us up because of our past so that we end up wallowing in our pity.
The future is not yet here. BUT that does not mean that we should not plan for it, as this is a very valuable component of being a productive and responsible person.
We should remember, in this manner, to be able to cut through all of the CRAP, and enjoy each and every moment for what it is: a miracle, and an opportunity to be THANKFUL, in spite, or because of, our circumstances.
I have taken it a step further to state,
"Carpe Momentum", which translates to seize the moment. It is my firm belief that every second is an opportunity to choose between many variables, but mainly, between good and evil.
It kind of reminds me of the philosophical question about the glass half full/empty. I am happy that I have been blessed not only with a glass, but with one that has fluctuated proportionally to my karma, but now and forevermore
truly runneth over.
| Author Notes | Thanks to Google for the image. This is dedicated to everyone who is tempted to put anything OTHER than a cordial and timely sentiment in a card for which the occasion is best suited! |
By Badger_29
Now, most people like to claim that they have the world's greatest dad, and they are certainly entitled. I may not have the "world's greatest", but I am blessed to have a father that loved me when I was growing up, and instilled in me the old-school values that were carefully reinforced.
These include, but are not limited to:
| Author Notes |
Although we have both made mistakes, I like to accentuate the positive, and in the abounding love which I have learned from my Heavenly Father, to forgive, and humble myself, with undying love and respect for my elders.
Sure, I am human as is he, so there have been fluctuations, but the solid core of divine love is instilled and intact. I will always love you, Dad! |
By Badger_29
| Author Notes | Edited and added this last chapter on June 2, 2017. |
By Badger_29
As I stated in a previous chapter, I have been living in Del Paso Heights, a suburb of Sacramento, California since March of 2016. The owners of the property, known as "Northside Recovery", Bill and Patty B, have been helping people for over twenty-five years now, and they are ready to retire. So, they put the whole lot up for sale: consisting of about one-half acre, with seven dwellings. The biggest is the main house, where I lived. The other quarters are the owners' house, two of the managers who live on grounds, and five two-bedroom cottages. These are for people who put in their time, and earn this spacious privelege. At one point in time, I was going to move into a cottage, but it turmed out to not happen, due to a conflict of personalities.
Well, Bill and Patty got very excited, because after only being on the market for about three months, they found a buyer. We were given two-weeks notice to find another place to live. Bill G, the main manager, really went out of his way to get us all places to live, except for the ones who chose to go to the streets. He found me a room in a large, spacious house about ten miles north of Northeside Recovery. It is owned by a very gracious hostess, Diane, who is also in recovery. She resides there with her father, Ted, who had suffered a stroke. He was doing quite well, in spite of that, at seventy-nine years old. Jimmy also lives there, a very nice and helpful young gentleman. The last resident was Michael, another older gentleman. I paid the same amount on rent, $550.00 a month, but here it included food.
It was a very quiet and peaceful place, next to the Chapel Chimes Cemetary. A male buff-colored Cocker Spaniel and four roosters completed the count, with the latter gleefully announcing the rising of the sun every day.
I have been working a lot, and the biggest problem was that I lived so far from a bus or train stop. So, in order to plan wisely, it was neccessary for me to get up three hours before work.
Then, something unexpected happened: the deal fell through, and Norhside did not get sold. Bill G. called me, and told me that there was an opening in a two-bedroom cottage. I accepted, and moved in on June 29th. Now, not only do I have my own room, but it is in a lovely cottage situated amidst a gated courtyard. There are four other cottages, and then the owner's house, and Bill G's house. The image is the front of my cottage.
There are laundry facilities, a lush green lawn, roses, and a hammock. It is very peaceful and quiet. I like to sit out front in the morning and enjoy my coffee as I practice my classical music.
I have my music, my writng, and an extensive bead kit. I am more content than I have ever been, and I have sufficient money to cook nice meals, and pursue all of my hobbies, one of which is cooking. So, I am including with this chapter one of my own signature recipes that I have developed.
I know that The Good Lord works in strange and mysterious ways. When I entered recovery, and started giving EVERYTHING to him, and being thankful for ALL that He has done in my life, I am rewarded with even more. Romans 8:28 states, "And we know that ALL things work to the good for those who love God, to those who are called for His purpose" Furthermore, I will claim Proverbs 3:5-Trust The Lord thy God in all thy ways, and lean not unto thy own understanding; 6-Acknowledge Him in all thy ways, and He will direct thy paths. He has blessed me immeasurably, and I am very thankful.
So, won't you please join me and enjoy life, in all of its fullness~
| Author Notes |
Written June and July, 2017-----------------------------------------
Blackberry Chess Cake 1 yellow or butter cake mix, 1 package room-temp cream cheese 1 16oz. can Mandarin orange segments, 3 c fresh or frozen blackberries (or fruit of your preference. I originally used cherries) Prepare mix as directed, but separate the eggs first, and beat the egg whites to a firm peak, as if making meringue. Then fold into the cake mixture, after beating in the cream cheese. Place in a pan coated with shortening and flour; then put berries and mandarin segments on top They will settle as the dessert bakes. The thinner the better, as thick cakes of this type do not cook well in the middle. If the cooking time is 40 minutes, check then, and every ten minutes, as this mixture takes longer to solidify. Icing: 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened 1package (8 oz) cream cheese, softened 1teaspoon vanilla 3 cups powdered sugar, plus more as needed 2 tbsp. blackberry juice. 1. In large bowl, beat softened butter and cream cheese with electric mixer on medium speed 2 to 3 minutes, scraping bowl occasionally, until smooth and creamy. 2. Stir in vanilla and berry juice, then stir in powdered sugar. Add more powdered sugar as needed until frosting is a thick spreadable consistency. Let cake cool before frosting. |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "To become more conscious is the greatest gift anyone can give to the world; moreover, in a ripple effect, the gift comes back to its source" David Hawkins |
~+~
It was a warm fall day in September of 2016. I was in downtown Sacramento, where I had moved to from Marysville California at the beginning of the year. I had been reading a book on Chi,or Ki, which is, according to ancient Oriental philosophy, an energy or force which goes through everything living. The book recommended that one should extend one's Chi, to pave the way for goodness. I noticed that this was something that I already did but I magnified it and was ; more conscious of it
~+~
There was a wonderful Farmers Market in the park at Q and 12th Street, with booths of fresh produce, fruits, nuts, honey, floral boquets,and a wonderful mixture of scents, sounds, and lively chatter.
As I was walking around the perimeter I saw a sign that said,
"Melons, the cure for melancholy". I thought that this"Farmer's Proverb"
was quite clever, and as I exclaimed this thought aloud, the gentleman whose Booth it was came up and told me that he thought it was too, and gave me a melon.
~+~
At that point he noticed the jewelry that I was wearing, and complimented me on it. I told him that I made the jewelry myself and he asked me what materials are used. So I went back to his Booth and showed him some of the minerals and beads that I was working with. He then requested that I make something for him, and chose the Minerals, Rose Quartz and hematite, and colors that he wanted, red and black.
~+~
So I manufactured a nice piece for him, and brought it back next week when the farmers market was there again. He bought the necklace off me for $20, and a couple of his customers were also interested in some stuff that I had. So after doing a prosperous business there, I looked up and in the middle of the Farmers Market, I observed a bulletin board, and approached it for a perusal.
I saw a notice for a job opening on it for people who could read well. I've always been a very good reader, so I called the number and got an appointment for a job interview. I went to the job interview and was hired on the spot as Pollster, or Telephone Operater, and have been working there ever since September 15th, 2016. In March of 2017, I was awarded
"Employee of the Month", and had a quota of 188%
~+~
The message, or moral of all this it is that there is a matrix of goodness which exists. And once you plug into this Matrix, you're unstoppable; it is literally a snowball of success that arrives with the dynamic of growth, acceleration, and momentum.
~+~
I am thankful for everything that my higher power has blessed me with. It seems that as I go through this new mode of positivity, the more that I am thankful for, the bigger and exponentially better blessings that I get. When I extended my Chi, it led to a domino effect of good things happening, and so on, and so on . . . . . . .
~+~
| Author Notes |
This Job provided me with the capitol to publish my first book, and I have written 75% of it's sequal.
I am truly honored to experience and share this awesome goodness! The image is me at work, compliments of a co-worker. Blessings, Brother Badger January 12, 2019 |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "When a man becomes a writer, I think he takes on a sacred obligation to produce beauty and enlightenment and comfort at top speed" Kurt Vonnegut |
| Author Notes |
Thanks to shaffer40 for the for the wonderful review and help with my sentence structure. I really appreciate it!
Matthew 23:11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. 23:12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. The image is of a picture that Peter found that is hanging on the wall. Brother Badger March 30, 2019. 4:44 PM |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | Romans 15:1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves. |
| Author Notes |
Thanks to my mom for the wonderful picture of the sun setting in Montana.
For it is written: the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Blessings, Brother Badger Sunday, April 5th, 2020 2100 |
By Badger_29
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| Author Note: | "Practice radical humility. Take no credit for your talents, intellectual abilities, aptitudes, or proficiencies. Be in a state of awe and bewilderment. Wayne Dyer |
| Author Notes |
We are the Rumblers,
We are the Tumblers We are more humble |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real" Thomas Merton |
~My life in Del Paso Heights~
Coming to Sacramento for recovery in December of 2016 was a whirlwind. you can't decide where you're going to live or who you are going to live with and it is usually a bunch of relapsing idiots. However I have to accentuate the positive here and say that every place that I've been has had a great influence on me and every place that I've been I've had a great influence on it.
When I came to Sacramento, I had just had a hernia operation so I went to Mercy hospital on December 18th of 2016. They took great care of me, and from there I went to Heritage Oaks psychiatric hospital, a place I've been to a couple of times before. While there, I started three poems and I thought to myself I can't get out until I finish them!
Well, they all turned out to twine together and become the poem,
"To Measure the Rhyme of Frozen Time", (originally titled,
"To Measure the Weight and Rhyme of the Frozen Grains of Time".
Another one I wrote there, is
"Newly Olden" which is in my first book.
I got out of Heritage Oaks on February 3rd and moved into midtown independent living, downtown Sacramento. it was okay, I had to room with a schizophrenic kleptomania!
Due to my addiction I had lost everything, including my wallet and my ID. So, I had to go back to Marysville to get the rent money. Well, I had connections there and first thing I did was relapse (my inner child rationalizing, "a couple hits can't hurt". Three days later . . .)
So when I got back I was kindly told to leave midtown Independent living.
From there I went to Thomas Street in North Highlands. I got there late at night, around 8:30 and who should meet me at the door, Andy, a friend from Heritage Oaks! He got money on his books every Wednesday and bought eight ball. Great, there went recovery!
From there I went to L to L sober living, but having personality conflict with the guy who ran it so he asked me to leave.
Northside Recovery turned out to be the hit I was looking for. You can find the story of my Life at Northside recovery in my first book. I got clean time, a job, money, and published a book. While at Northside they sold the property so I had to move out to Diane's house. I rented a room from her, and it was nice in Del Paso heights next to a cemetery, Anyway, the sale didn't go through so I was asked to move back in. Bill and Patty own an acre with Plaza Street on the front, and Bowles Street in the back. My first stay there was in the front house, where at one point in time I ran the NA meeting. When I moved back, I went to 875 Bowles Street, where Bill and Patty had built five cottages each with two bedrooms, a kitchenette, and a small living room area. It was great to live in the cottage. The only problem was, my roommate Kurt, and my other roommate Mike L like to do fat lines so I started to lose my recovery again at Northside. Then, Mike L left and Kurt, who was my little brother, lost his right eye from smarting off, and was building a fire to stay warm so he's a registered arsonist.
He went into Schmick, a mental hospital in Sacramento and I was the only one who visited in there. You can find more about story and previous chapters. I brought coffee from McDonald's and he was so happy he gave me a big hug. Before all this, I was living with Kurt and one night he was Life of the party! He was drunk but he was happy drunk. the next day he exhibited the bizarre symptoms of a full-blown schizophrenic because he had bought or somebody had slipped him some ecstasy.
It was with this sad State of affairs that had to leave all that behind and move to Los Robles Street. One community health, my doctor's office paid the rent for the end of May two years ago and I moved into the place. I came to look at it as the property manager was anxious to get me in because the rent has already been paid but I was having a hard time finding anybody to help me move my stuff.
Michael Perrault and his brother Anthony came to my rescue and they were the kindest Christian connection I could have hoped for. They not only helped me move, we fellowship together and all have very strong beliefs in the Bible.
Michael went to San Bernardino in southern California,
went into a respite residence, contracted Covid-19 and passed away a month ago. Anthony is carrying on in the tradition of the knights Templar, an ancient order where people convicted could either face their sentence in jail or become a knights Templar which are similar to The clampers in their bound duty to help people out.
When I went to look at the room, I met my roommate Perry who wanted to know if I had a cigarette.
Perry and I have had our conflicts , we have also become very close and come to a mutually beneficial understanding about our circumstances in our lives.
Shortly after I moved in, he confided in me that he was having problems dealing with his wife and that he couldn't take it anymore so he said,
"I'm sorry Darren but I won't be here tomorrow I just took 90 mg morphine + 16 heart pills"
Can you imagine how this made me feel! should I call the cops, try to pump his stomach, tell him not to do it?
But I was nudged by The Holy Spirit -
"Relax he's not going to die".
(See "Angel's Faith/Holy Spirit Come" in "A Balanced Blend of Blues"to read about my description and connection to The Holy Spirit.)
But he turned grey for about a week and hated life so began my understanding that my roommate had a split personality. One personality was glad that I was there and the other personality was kind of jealous of my get down.
Having been somewhat of a two-bit hustler in the past, he proceeded to try to hustle me a couple of times.
The first time he claimed that his dog,
a happy-go-lucky miniature beagle named Baby Girl, had swallowed a 300mg gabapentin.
Two days later sent me a text at work saying that they had to take the dog to the vet and I owed that bill, and a bill for transportation. However, the people that manage the property have closed circuit TV and take pictures of everything and with the evidence that they provided me which was that nobody had come and gone that day and became clear to me that because I had money . . . you get this scenario.
The next evidence of the split personality was when he came home one day and told me that he'd been jumped by Mexicans and they tried to Rob him and that he was being charged with attempted murder. I sensed one of those sensational claims and ask them why they didn't arrest him right there he said because they didn't have enough evidence. He got up the next morning left and came back and told me it had been thrown out of court for lack of evidence.
The next incident came when because they were running the AC so often in the room, mister Eddie who owns the property told Perry that he had to get that PG&e bill put in his name. So he did, and I told him that I'd gladly pay a third of it I don't know why later he tallied up the bill and I came just like 65 $66 message okay I'll pay $70. We cultivated this slowly and carefully overtime saying that he was going to buy money orders for a paper trail and everything. but when the day came for the building to do I said sure here's the money but I'd like to see the bill well he exploded his room. Both been high and he wasn't prepared for the fact that this might not all go through after all the careful planning. However, as time has gone on I believe of blot brought light and reality to this situation.
once when we were sitting outside enjoying our evening cannabis Perry explained that he didn't feel like they were deserving of all of the things that I do for them. I know the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak part of me gets angry over the imbalance in power but the other part thrives and knowing that I'm playing a vital part in the wonderful play that God had planned for me. He told me that if I follow his plan for my life maybe we'll grab me a peace that surpasses all understanding. I clean that piece I claimed that abundance Jesus said I come not to condemn the world but to give you a life. And that more abundantly! I'm living that abundance so when he told me that he didn't feel like he deserved the things I did for them, I told him it wasn't me I move to Sacramento for recovery got a job published the book and what I'm thankful and grateful even though I'm not using all of the money for the best reasons or purposes, he gives me more and I bought more and then he gives me more and then thankful and then he gives me more and then I boil it more and then he gives me more. Oh wretched Man that I am! What is it all in well I tell you it all ended on August 2nd I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and on my own terms because I couldn't find any place that would accept me for detox things being the way that they are right now it's covid-19 I just had two hits my pants up grow up and quit using again. I said Perry look at me I don't feel like I deserve everything that I'm getting, but I realize that I've been working hard, I have a great deal of accomplishments and a great more to come, and God has so much faith in me and he's giving me a chance after chance after chance after chance knowing that if I can see the greatness that I will be that will finally be thankful for that gift and prove my thankfulness to him by following his will. This is simple as that
So, I'm working at research America and I get unemployment and activate my card and there's already $3,000 in my account then I get like six weeks of benefits to the tune of like $3,200 a month run through those and they automatically extended for the cures act. what a great time to quit! When I have all these resources available to me I have not only a nesting enough money to publish my next book in style but I also have a very nice flower garden which I've written about extensively through my poetry my acrostics and a previous dissertation on philosophy titled "Leave Me; Be."
We have reached the number of plateaus here but his phone's stronger to all of our trials. Perry sippers from diabetes and when he was in a diabetic coma, they didn't turn him. As a result, this eroded his coccyx
I would like to say that this has been a huge learning experience for not only me but everybody that comes into my environment. I give the highest praise to Rodney and Minnie who manage the property the great folks will help you out anytime with anything that you need to the best of their ability but they are a bit hampered by the owner mr. Eddie who also turns out to be not such a bad guy after reading my book he told me you can't judge a book by its cover.
one of the reasons that Perry and I gets along so well is because we both have a love of our family and a fond memories. A lot of our great pastime is sitting and telling stories about each other's childhood about our fathers about our interaction and about the special connection and bond that we both have with our fathers. He's a very sharp where did follow and is one of the few people that can keep up with me with my sophisticated multi-layer multi shell humor.
One day I said he said you're dizzy and I said you're dizzier and he said I'm dizziet. You get the idea.
His wife Christina had a box with about 12 different mineral hearts. I took the rose quartz one and made a necklace for mini it matched her complexion well. I also used to get roses on the way home from work and give roses abundantly in my household and around the neighborhood. I took the soda light one which was blue and white and made a necklace for Christina and then I made a matching bracelet and further on down the line made matching earrings for it.
I would like to say that this whole thing has been a living and learning experience which I would not trade for any price because this is what life is all about making the best with what you have available and enjoying the company of friends who become your family. I am of course referring to another piece I wrote titled friends to family.
So begins a brand new chapter,
as my life is becoming apter
filled with more productivity,
good things floating on the sea
of attention from my peers,
flowing like a river here
which is why I hold you dear
In my thoughts: new and clear!
Blessings,
Brother Badger Cull
Darren
| Author Notes |
Here in "The Heights"there's, always some action going on, there's always somebody rumbling.
Also if you look around you can find grumbling everywhere. We are the Rumblers We are the Grumblers We are humbled Brother Badger Cull Friday, January 1st 2021 New year's day |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "See, I have set before you this day life and good, death and evil... I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse; therefore choose life" Moses |
Hi. My name is Darren and I live in Del Paso Heights, a suburb in Sacramento California. I reside in a cozy two bedroom house with my roommate Perry, his wife, Christina, and Baby Girl, their adorable Miniature Beagle.
I've been here for about 2 years. If you go down my street,
Los Robles Boulevard, take a left on High Street and go over by Grant High School there's a street called Balsam Street. On that street there's a pile of refuse that accumulates and then disappears.
| Author Notes |
Subtitled:. Vacuum of the mind, outer space, and Hoover.
I would like to extend sincere appreciation to Lancellot for the wonderful review. I really botched the first draft of this! Picture compliments of Google, and it is the e model that I found, A Hoover Wind Tunnel. The retail price is $159.00 "When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance" Joel Osteen Thanks for reading, and may you also be blessed by our Heavenly Father. Blessings and safety, Brother Badger Cull Darren Saturday November 28, 2002 |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me" Jim Valvano |
UFO'S?
Hi my name is Darren, and I am recovering from methamphet-amine addiction with a Little help from a medication which was specifically designed by doctors to treat latent adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Adderal consists of four amphetamine salts. As my mind becomes clearer, my con-versation becomes more animated and I am able to harness and channel
| Author Notes |
My father was born 6/6/36 in Martinez California, and he separated from my mother when I was 18.
He belongs to this site, and has done a great deal to encourage me to write. We maintain a great relationship to this day. He resides in Wyoming with my stepmother. I cherish our conversations. Blessings to you and your fathers, Brother Badger Cull Darren Wednesday December 9th, 2020 |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance" Harrison Ford |
Classic Role Reversal
One thought that occurred to me is that once a writer gets established he can acknowledge a lot of people publicly. This can be with positive or negative connotations.
My name is Darren and I was born on April 20th in Reno Nevada in 1963. I had a magical childhood, growing up being curious about life having a million interests. I liked studying etymology, entomology, and snails. I had a chemistry set, a gyro scope, & a big wheel that was round with wheels on each side with handles for each hand. I had a lot of fun turning one hand one way and the other wheel opposite, to spin in circles. I had a fascination with spinning things like coins and tops, and was delighted with my first gyroscope.
Because I peed my pants when I was a kid. you see, one of the symptoms of ADHD is that your so very interested in everything that you're doing that you don't like the take any time out for such trivial things such as going to the bathroom so you forget. Well, you don't forget exactly you just put it off or as long as you possibly can and then by the time you are ready to go you go whether it's in your pants or in the bathroom.
There is a wonderful organization called One Community Health. It is at 1500 21st Street in Sacramento California. Years ago, my partner Kevin Chorn became a client there.
At that point in time they were located on Capitol Avenue as CARES - Center for AIDS REearch Sacramento.
There I had the pleasure of meeting Dr. David Asimuth, the best Dr I've ever had.
I went to him and said,
"Doc, I gotta problem."
"what's that?" he asked.
"I'm addicted to meth", I replied
He looked at me in a penetrating, loving way which makes you think sometimes that someone is looking into your soul, took a professional stance and put his hands behind his back, and said,
"That's a tough one."
I had previously met Kevin Chorn on New years Eve 1989, and by 1993 I was using meth IV. I have a lot of good memories of that period in time. Once when I was camping at Lake Natoma with a couple of my buddies and we all like breakfast cereal, so Kevin drove down there before work that morning and brought us some milk and cereal.
So, I came to CARES already pretty much addicted to meth. This interfered with my ability to keep my appointments, so Rosa, one of the first people that I met there, told me that if I kept it missing appointments I would have to start all over. Little did we know how many times I would do just that!
As time when on, CARES helped me with a lot of things including but not limited to housing food, clothing, moral support, medication, diagnosis of disease, counseling, ongoing counseling,
Blood tests, free cooking classes, AOD meetings , and the like.
ALL in a setting where I have ran into people that I know I haven't seen for years, a veritable Mecca.
I would like to think each and every individual there who has helped me.
Rosa, Anthony Gonzales, Josh Waller, Mark Minder, Dr Flynn, Dr Flamm, Jorge, Alondra, Pam in AOD, Jessica, Cystal, and all receptionists,
all the people there who have copies of My book, Dr Mahano, Dr Wong, the wonderful elderly Lady who was my counselor before Jaime,
Jaime and his wife, (who has provided me with succulent jams that have less sugar in them, including a wonderful mixed berry jalapeno jelly), Dr Brannigan, all of the triage nurses,
Johnny, who selflessly spent one afternoon trying to find me a detox. Dr. Newhart,
And the doctor who replaced Dr Asimuth, Dr Chawla.
She has every bit as much expertise and bedside manner as Dr, Asimuth and along with him, shines as a great example of the doctors that represent the patients who join me at One Community Health.
I would also like to thank Jessica Guiterrez, my worker from Harm Reduction Services, for her easy going manner, the truly stupendous amount of help which she provides, and the fact that I can play my guitar on the way to our appointments.
One day we were admiring one day we were admiring one day we were admiring the music of The BeeGees. I learned "I Started a Joke", and "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart".
HRS is an organization here in Sacramento that teaches people how to be in less harm.
They accomplish this by providing education about drugs and sex protection, operating a needle exchange, & providing narcane for heroin overdoses. I'm sure they are responsible for saving countless lives here Sacramento.
And last but not least, I would like to share my sincere appreciation for Dr. Gerstein, who made me angry knowing that it would make me more proactive in my case.
You see, something happened that made me want to file a grievance but in trying to file that grievance I got even more of the help and benefit. So, when I talked to Dt. Newhart about this she asked me if I wanted to file agreements or did I want to give him a second chance well I've been given plenty of second chances and I see no reason why I can't take something that otherwise it's negative and make something good come from it, like you have helped me do with my life. Serendipity
Dr. Gerstein always encouraged my writing and my jewelry, and he showed great interest in a poem which I had written,
"Good Things are Going to Come (if you do right)".
I dedicated that poem to him, and then when I had my first books published who should I run into, but Dr. Gerstein.
On a warm, balmy summer day, I just happened to be riding by on my bike on my way home from the library where I'd picked up my books up from I Street press. He bought my first book off me, (it was a God thing.)
When I was on adderall, I advised him that I had relapsed and he took it away. Very professional.
I am a published author and I am preparing to publish my second book but cannot do so without the help that this wonderful organization has provided me.
This whole experience has open my eyes to:
1.showing respect when you're receiving help,
2. l am able to write about it so that everybody can see my perspective more clearly,
3. being able to write about it so everybody can see everybody else's perspective more clearly.
To prove and illustrate my point, I just now got a call from CalFresh to let me know that my case has been approved because I was proactive I took pictures of all the appropriate documents to sent them in and even though I've missed two appointments over the phone she called to let me know that I was approved. So I told her about this letter, I am telling all of you about all of this right now because you are all an integral part of my recovery.
I don't know what's going to happen next but I know it's going to be good because when you lean on God He never lets you down, and He gives you this momentum like a snowball.
I think that you can see why I called this role reversal, because sometimes we are the teacher, and sometimes we are the taught.
So years later, I reconnected with doctor Asimuth and he gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten. He took my hand in his warmly, and looked into my soul, and said,
"You have to admit that you are powerless over your addiction, and you have to give it to God"
As I was leaving from the last time that I ever saw Doctor A, I said,
"But Doc., I've got a problem".
He didn't hesitate.
He looked at me in a penetrating, loving way which makes you think sometimes that someone is looking into your soul, took a professional stance and put his hands behind his back, and said , "That's a tough one. "
I was going to end right there, but here's the icing on the cake. Carolyn has called me twice oh, so when the phone rang again I said hello Carolyn. The voice at the other end said,
"This isn't Carolyn its Elena. And I just wanted to let you know that I mailed a new car to you because I didn't know you already had one. I apologize I should have called."
I told her,
" No apology necessary,I'm glad it worked out this way so that I could talk to you and thank you for your help"
You see, communication is the key. God gifted me with the great ability to communicate, and thanks to you I'm able to utilize that tool better than I ever have before.
| Author Notes |
I would like to thanksboisvert180 on FanArtReview.com for the wonderful picture titled give it a chance, which I found to be appropriate for this.
If you're ever having a problem with someone and you're ready to call it quits, reconsider. I know I've gotten plenty of second chances and when I reconsidered after my little temper tantrum and somebody asked me if I wanted to keep dr. Gerstein I said yes I'd like to keep him. It takes a while to build a rapport with anyone on a professional level, and I wasn't ready to start all over with somebody different. Besides that, he's a very good doctor but like all of us, makes mistakes from time to time. Blessings, Brother Badger Cull Darren Sunday December 20 2020 Edited again on February 19th, 2021 |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | "When The end justifies the means, sometimes it's the means to an end" Brother Badger |
Bad is good, wrong is right, and
three rights make a left
An Adderall Induced Epiphany
Now you may start to wonder how such a preposterous statement can be justified. I can justify the first one with Romans 8:28 which tells us,
For we know that all things work to the good for those who love God, who are called for his purpose.
That doesn't mean just the good things, or even all of the mediocre things, I think it especially means the bad things. Because otherwise if you didn't do bad things how would you know wrong from right?
So in the long run, bad is good; sometimes in the short-term it can have positive repercussions. Which if you noticed, also to a certain extent justifies the second statement.
As for three rights making a left, I heard that one time in the morning spin Cycles and I'm still working it out on paper and I think it's accurate but I'm not 100% positive. But as a humorous third, if they take away all your rights, what's left? By All rights, I should have left a long time ago. And if you have bad leftovers for dinner, what happens next just ain't right.
So you see, if you're clever enough and well-read and well-bred you too can justify ridiculous things. Probably already have in your life!
| Author Notes |
Here's some background information behind this Epiphany concept:
You see when I was growing up about the age eight or nine, I started reading avidly, and as I pondered what I read while looking out my bedroom window at a robin redbreast in the Sycamore tree feeding her Young, I would have these thick thoughts. I called them that because they happened in the blink of an eye, perhaps in the range of 1/2 to 1.1 seconds; I thought them clearly in my head. Yet, when I broke them down to their components, they became a twelve to t hi r t y - three word paragraph. And I would always do that, I would have a grandiose vision or a concept of the way things worked and then I would break that thought down in my mind and to really break it down, you have to put it into words, quantify it, associate it, justify it, and describe it! In doing so, one discovers that the mind is capable of inexplicable, strange and won'drous things which you can't quite put a finger on. I chalk it up to a magnificent, Majestic and miraculous creator. The complexity of the brain can not be understood; it seems we've only scratched the surface. Adderall is a drug which was specifically designed to treat latent adult ADHD. It is composed of four amphetamine means salts including but not limited to and amphetamine sulfate and amphetamine aspartate. Unfortunately, having undergone a couple of years of addiction before that, when they overlap a bit one side effect is increased emotions, especially anger. I have been prescribed and medicated on pretty much all of the ADHD medications and out of them all there's two that work the best one of which is methylphenidate also known as Ritalin. Today, on Monday April 26th, I have been clean for two weeks now. I have a new psychiatrist and she prescribed a small dose of methylphenidate and told me that if I tested dirty that she would take it away. I looked for a way out and God provided it! The original title was, "Bad is Good, Wrong is Right, and Three Rights Makes a Left", but it would not fit so I changed to what it is. I would also like to mention that by saying that is good "right now", I mean that it is instantaneous. I would like to give a special thanks to Leann, who worked out the equation that three rights does make a left. She confirmed it by doing it three times in her living room. This was edited today, Monday April 26th in the year of Our Lord 2021. Abundance, blessings , and catastrophe, Brother Badger Cull Darren ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
By Badger_29
| Author Note: | Dedicated to my brother Bruce Gandy, and all other stroke victims |
Survival Guide for family members experience blood clot or other causes of stroke.
My name is Darren and I am fifty-seven years old. I was born when my brother Shawn was two years old and he was born when the eldest, Bruce was two years old. Bruce, my older brother, moved into my house here California's state capitol, Sacramento, a modern city with a variety of suburbs, each with their own personality and flavor.
I live in Del Paso Heights which was once known for its thriving food industry, railroad yards, and ice skating rink . Downtown, or the Heart of the City, lies Government Office Buildings, the diamond Almond Company, and the Confluence of the American and Sacramento Rivers. The newly renovated area includes the Golden 1 Center, a river taxi, which travels strategically past a lot of hot spots along the river. Here you will find the state capitol and surrounding Park which features zen garden, goldfish, fascinating historical articles and a very pleasant and inviting Arboretum.
The plants and trees are adorned with plaques which gives information on American and Latin names, origin, and species. There is another very good example of these labeled floral on the CSUS campus near 65th and J Streets.
The latter is right by the the world famous Jedidiah Smith Memorial bike trail.
You could ride on the bike trail from downtown Sacramento to Folsom Lake, which covers 30 miles of river scenery.
The world peace rose garden is must see place on the former.
There are so many varieties of roses that in mid-Spring the combined aromas waft in the breeze as you enter the vicinity of Capitol Ave and 15th Street inducing a fragrant Rose euphoria!
As you admire the many species of roses, you will also see a very pleasant surprise: poetry and prose etched in sturdy, weatherproof plaques. Here you can find the wisdom of youth written by local elementary school children forever immortalized in these sturdy plaques.
| Author Notes |
The picture was taken at the world peace rose garden Sacramento California.
If you know the signs of a stroke, you can be somebody's hero by getting the medical attention quickly. Brother Badger Cull Monday, March 8th 2021 3:33 a.m. |
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