~Right Down the Drain~
How are your pipes?65 total reviews
Comment from Daedalia
I liked the backwards time jump that gave additional insight into the entity and how it came to possess the house. You included the perfect amount of gore for a wonderfully presented horror story.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
  |
I liked the backwards time jump that gave additional insight into the entity and how it came to possess the house. You included the perfect amount of gore for a wonderfully presented horror story.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
-
Thanks for resurrecting this one from it's vaulted crypt, dusting it off, and reviewing it for me, Daedalia. I really appreciate that, and am very glad that you enjoyed it!
Comment from Joe Ehret
It's not easy to build tension in such a short story, but you do so quite well.
The first two murders in 2013 were never in doubt. Those people ALWAYS die in horror stories haha. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, it helps set the reader up for the final reveal. Most stories this short don't go back and explain the source of the horror, but you do and it really drove it all home.
Great read.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
|
It's not easy to build tension in such a short story, but you do so quite well.
The first two murders in 2013 were never in doubt. Those people ALWAYS die in horror stories haha. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, it helps set the reader up for the final reveal. Most stories this short don't go back and explain the source of the horror, but you do and it really drove it all home.
Great read.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2013
-
Thanks so much for digging this one up, dusting it off, and reviewing it for me, joehert. I truly appreciate that! Thanks for the wonderfully witty comments too, LOL!
Comment from emrpoems
Very interesting story written as a pro.
kept the intrigue up throughout the body and climaxed with the killing. Even though horror is not my best read i decided to take a peep and enjoyed it
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2013
|
Very interesting story written as a pro.
kept the intrigue up throughout the body and climaxed with the killing. Even though horror is not my best read i decided to take a peep and enjoyed it
Comment Written 13-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2013
-
Thanks so much, emrpoems, I'm really glad you liked this one. Thanks for reading and giving me your valuable feedback, as well. Much appreciated!
-
You're welcome
Comment from Thatguypk
Brilliant! I don't want to say anything else, but I have to, to satisfy the review word count... so Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant..oh, and did I mention... Brilliant! Thanks for sharing the creepy story, and the even creepier history!
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
 |
Brilliant! I don't want to say anything else, but I have to, to satisfy the review word count... so Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant..oh, and did I mention... Brilliant! Thanks for sharing the creepy story, and the even creepier history!
Comment Written 12-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
-
Thank you, Thatguypk! I wish everyone that reviewed what I've written were as enthusiastic about it as you are. I truly appreciate such enthusiasm, and I am very honored by such a glowing response.
Thanks again, my friend. You made my day a whole lot brighter!
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
|
 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 12-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
-
Thank you! I appreciate it, very much.
Comment from I.T creatives
Save some talent for gore for the rest of us mate!.
Not really anything to complain about here.
Laymon and Koontz would certainly be impressed as am
i.
What's more you've inspired me !.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
|
Save some talent for gore for the rest of us mate!.
Not really anything to complain about here.
Laymon and Koontz would certainly be impressed as am
i.
What's more you've inspired me !.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
-
Well, there is nothing I like to hear more than I have inspired someone. That's the greatest thing in the world a writer can hear, I believe. Thanks for such a fantastic review, I.T creative. And please, let me know when you've finished what this inspired you to write. I'd really love to read it!
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Dean. Your ability to tell a story is incredible. You attention to details and use of vocabulary is better than so many people that I read. I am enchanted by your work. You put so much into it and then your reader just drips pleasure while being completely freaked out! Bravo! xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
Hi Dean. Your ability to tell a story is incredible. You attention to details and use of vocabulary is better than so many people that I read. I am enchanted by your work. You put so much into it and then your reader just drips pleasure while being completely freaked out! Bravo! xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Thanks very much, Kiwi, what a nice thing to say!
I'm really glad that you liked this tidy terror tale. I'm jut here to entertain anyone who cares enough to read what I've written, just as we all are.
I really appreciate your kind compliments, and the wonderful review. It was very encouraging, and believe me when I tell you this, there's not a lot of encouragement that comes from most when it comes to horror stories.
Thanks so much again, Kiwi. Most appreciated!
Comment from vkmack
Holy crap. Okay, at least my mother is visiting tonight, and I'll be sleeping with her, thought it isn't necessary. Dean, I haven't been this afraid of drains since they showed King's "It" on TV for the first time. When those "buckets of blood" poured forth (accompanied by Tim Curry--yes, I know it was Tim), I stopped up every drain in the house. I did that every night for a week. I freely admit I'm a coward. I also freely admit that you, my friend, ain't helping the situation one dang bit (sorry, but I go all Texas when I'm terrified).
I didn't remember Kemper, but I will now. I was tempted to "google" him, but I don't want that face staring at me in my dreams. I'm astonished when the Manson "girls" come up for parole, so I'm appalled that this guy is even considered. I'm from Texas, where we grow 'em bigger and better--Henry Lee Lucas and the Candy Man, for example--but these people make Texas killers look like amateurs. Wow. Just wow. My father was one of the cops who helped with the Candy Man case. This is the 40th anniversary year, and people here still talk about the terror. It's "special"--I'll put it that way. I can't think of another word for it.
So, your story brought back memories of real terror and created some new terror on top of it all. You create a character who seems like the neighbor we all are afraid we know. That guy. That guy who works construction and is a volunteer fireman and who pats your kids on their heads at the junior league picnics. That guy who, in the meantime, tortures hitchhikers or lost boys in a back room of his house while his wife is at a prayer meeting. You know that one. Well, obviously, you do.
I think you see what happened in my head when I read this.
That last vignette was just breath-taking. Man. I was blown away. Honestly, Preston and Frances were asking for it. lol Why can't we all just get along? ;)
Some things I noticed. Dean, I have been an editor for 30 years; I can't help it.
"James Preston stood in front of the kitchen counter, pounding a meaty fist upon the smooth simulated granite surface." Comma in your adjective phrase, "smooth, simulated granite surface."
"Frances always hated when her husband called her "Frannie". He knew she hated it, too. Fran quickly realized that he was trying his best to push her buttons." You meant to put that period inside the quotes.
"Listen, bub, I'm not one of those ditzy bimbos from the office you're so fond of bossing around, so why don't you try asking me nicely, how about that?"
"They both worked, Jim as an accomplished architect, herself, a freelance photographer." Herself is a reflexive pronoun, as in, "She did it herself." Here, she is the appropriate pronoun--weirdly enough. They both worked. He worked as an architect. She worked as a photographer. GB Shaw was right. English is ridiculous.
"Both she and Jim agreed, it had to be one of the best buys anyone had ever gotten in Meadow Brook Manor. Most of the homes here easily went for upwards of two-hundred-thousand dollars." No need for hyphens in your number here. It's not an adverbial phrase.
"The Bishop family had lived in the home for over thirteen years. Everyone in the neighborhood loved the couple and their two adorable little girls. There had never been any disturbances, domestic or otherwise, from the family. The first time the police had been called to the residence was also the last." You left out one past participial had in that second sentence. Easy to do, I know.
"Still dazed from the bump to the head, France's hands found the side of the slender frames." Frances' hands found
"Just before her glasses were dislodged once more, she saw them. Several gelatinous shapes, bright-red pinpoints in the places their eyes should have been, looming over top of her." You second sentence here is actually a sentence fragment. Dean, buddy, you use dashes really well. Just stick one in there to emphasis the image. You don't need top of in my opinion. "she saw them--several gelatinous shapes, bright-red pinpoints in the places their eyes should have been, looming over her." So that's the comment from this peanut gallery. They're your words; I'll respect your opinion.
"The concrete trucks always arrived well before the rest of the crews did. All except for Bailey, of course." You have the same situation here. I'd use the dash again. I know we have to be wary of overuse. But you do a really good job with it. Think about it. See what you think.
"Twelve girls and counting, the fuzz was no closer to catching him than they were the rest of his California family." You have an extra space after "counting," that occurred in the copy/paste process.
And that is this terrified little bunny's evening in the Dean's Dungeon. You are a lovely man, and I would dearly love to "do lunch" some day. But you are responsible for some of the weirdest dreams I've had in a long time. On the other hand, at least I'm dreaming. Hey, better to dream of frights than never to dream at all. What an awful life that would be.
I hope some of the editing remarks helped. It's an awesome story. Who gives a damn about a few editing suggestions when the content is so sublime?
Not I!
Go for the Gold! Definitely the Story of the Month.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
Holy crap. Okay, at least my mother is visiting tonight, and I'll be sleeping with her, thought it isn't necessary. Dean, I haven't been this afraid of drains since they showed King's "It" on TV for the first time. When those "buckets of blood" poured forth (accompanied by Tim Curry--yes, I know it was Tim), I stopped up every drain in the house. I did that every night for a week. I freely admit I'm a coward. I also freely admit that you, my friend, ain't helping the situation one dang bit (sorry, but I go all Texas when I'm terrified).
I didn't remember Kemper, but I will now. I was tempted to "google" him, but I don't want that face staring at me in my dreams. I'm astonished when the Manson "girls" come up for parole, so I'm appalled that this guy is even considered. I'm from Texas, where we grow 'em bigger and better--Henry Lee Lucas and the Candy Man, for example--but these people make Texas killers look like amateurs. Wow. Just wow. My father was one of the cops who helped with the Candy Man case. This is the 40th anniversary year, and people here still talk about the terror. It's "special"--I'll put it that way. I can't think of another word for it.
So, your story brought back memories of real terror and created some new terror on top of it all. You create a character who seems like the neighbor we all are afraid we know. That guy. That guy who works construction and is a volunteer fireman and who pats your kids on their heads at the junior league picnics. That guy who, in the meantime, tortures hitchhikers or lost boys in a back room of his house while his wife is at a prayer meeting. You know that one. Well, obviously, you do.
I think you see what happened in my head when I read this.
That last vignette was just breath-taking. Man. I was blown away. Honestly, Preston and Frances were asking for it. lol Why can't we all just get along? ;)
Some things I noticed. Dean, I have been an editor for 30 years; I can't help it.
"James Preston stood in front of the kitchen counter, pounding a meaty fist upon the smooth simulated granite surface." Comma in your adjective phrase, "smooth, simulated granite surface."
"Frances always hated when her husband called her "Frannie". He knew she hated it, too. Fran quickly realized that he was trying his best to push her buttons." You meant to put that period inside the quotes.
"Listen, bub, I'm not one of those ditzy bimbos from the office you're so fond of bossing around, so why don't you try asking me nicely, how about that?"
"They both worked, Jim as an accomplished architect, herself, a freelance photographer." Herself is a reflexive pronoun, as in, "She did it herself." Here, she is the appropriate pronoun--weirdly enough. They both worked. He worked as an architect. She worked as a photographer. GB Shaw was right. English is ridiculous.
"Both she and Jim agreed, it had to be one of the best buys anyone had ever gotten in Meadow Brook Manor. Most of the homes here easily went for upwards of two-hundred-thousand dollars." No need for hyphens in your number here. It's not an adverbial phrase.
"The Bishop family had lived in the home for over thirteen years. Everyone in the neighborhood loved the couple and their two adorable little girls. There had never been any disturbances, domestic or otherwise, from the family. The first time the police had been called to the residence was also the last." You left out one past participial had in that second sentence. Easy to do, I know.
"Still dazed from the bump to the head, France's hands found the side of the slender frames." Frances' hands found
"Just before her glasses were dislodged once more, she saw them. Several gelatinous shapes, bright-red pinpoints in the places their eyes should have been, looming over top of her." You second sentence here is actually a sentence fragment. Dean, buddy, you use dashes really well. Just stick one in there to emphasis the image. You don't need top of in my opinion. "she saw them--several gelatinous shapes, bright-red pinpoints in the places their eyes should have been, looming over her." So that's the comment from this peanut gallery. They're your words; I'll respect your opinion.
"The concrete trucks always arrived well before the rest of the crews did. All except for Bailey, of course." You have the same situation here. I'd use the dash again. I know we have to be wary of overuse. But you do a really good job with it. Think about it. See what you think.
"Twelve girls and counting, the fuzz was no closer to catching him than they were the rest of his California family." You have an extra space after "counting," that occurred in the copy/paste process.
And that is this terrified little bunny's evening in the Dean's Dungeon. You are a lovely man, and I would dearly love to "do lunch" some day. But you are responsible for some of the weirdest dreams I've had in a long time. On the other hand, at least I'm dreaming. Hey, better to dream of frights than never to dream at all. What an awful life that would be.
I hope some of the editing remarks helped. It's an awesome story. Who gives a damn about a few editing suggestions when the content is so sublime?
Not I!
Go for the Gold! Definitely the Story of the Month.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Wow, thank you for that excellent, in depth review, vkmack! I certainly appreciate all the time and effort that you put into this. I really love reviews such as yours. Detailed and informative, laced with excellent suggestions for editing. Many people say they are afraid I'll be offended if they offer suggestions for edits or changes. On the contrary. The day I stop listening to well informed critics, is the day I stop writing for good! And, hey, even Stephen King has an editor, right?
I addressed all those issues you mentioned. I sincerely appreciate that,, and again, I am very grateful.
Thanks for the well-wishes on the contest. I appreciate that sentiment, as well...
~Dean~
-
You are so welcome, Dean. Thanks for the frightful night--and day following. You're a treasure. I love reading anything you do.
Vista Kay
Comment from RJFunston
Good morning,
I just finished your short story and have to say I am impressed. I'm a fan of the death penalty and this guy should have got it. Anyway, back to your story. Very creative! At first I was wondering where it was going, but you cleaned it up to perfect clarity. Please don't take this wrong, but sometimes it takes a sense of inner sickness to fully understand and write as a sick person thinks. If that doesn't make sense, take a look at some of my writing. I think you hit this out of the ballpark, very nicely done! Have a great one and best of luck to you.
RJ
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2013
|
Good morning,
I just finished your short story and have to say I am impressed. I'm a fan of the death penalty and this guy should have got it. Anyway, back to your story. Very creative! At first I was wondering where it was going, but you cleaned it up to perfect clarity. Please don't take this wrong, but sometimes it takes a sense of inner sickness to fully understand and write as a sick person thinks. If that doesn't make sense, take a look at some of my writing. I think you hit this out of the ballpark, very nicely done! Have a great one and best of luck to you.
RJ
Comment Written 10-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2013
-
Thanks RJ, and I know exactly what you are saying. I take no offense to it at all, my friend.
We have to get in touch with our darker, feral side once in awhile, I think. I often ask people who ask me why it is I write about such dark topics all of the time, and I simply ask them this question...Have you ever seen the beauty of the millions of twinkling stars in the skies, on a perfectly sunny, brightly lit summer's day? No, you won't. There has to be a complete absence of external light sources to appreciate their luster and beauty. So, in other words, there is beauty in the darkness sometimes, and it take the absence of light to appreciate it.
-
Reading your reply, I can see where your writing comes from. Awesome! Have a good one and keep it up.
RJ
Comment from a.w.brooks
Another great story and little morbid but you are always surprising me all the time keep up the good writing see you in the funny pages
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2013
|
Another great story and little morbid but you are always surprising me all the time keep up the good writing see you in the funny pages
Comment Written 07-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2013
-
Hey, great to see you POPPING in, a.w. brooks! I really appreciate the great review, man. Seriously, thanks a million!
