The Sniper
A boy is trained to show no compassion or fear.30 total reviews
Comment from alexisleech
I had to read this after seeing that our novel writing winner had given it a three in one of the four? reviews she wrote during her brief time with us. If I had a six left, it would be yours, I can assure you! Something is just not stacking up here, but hey, who am I to say. It just seems strange someone would dig so deep to find something they felt justified to criticise so harshly. I thought you controlled yourself really well with your response! Alexis x
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
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I had to read this after seeing that our novel writing winner had given it a three in one of the four? reviews she wrote during her brief time with us. If I had a six left, it would be yours, I can assure you! Something is just not stacking up here, but hey, who am I to say. It just seems strange someone would dig so deep to find something they felt justified to criticise so harshly. I thought you controlled yourself really well with your response! Alexis x
Comment Written 11-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
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I should thank her. She netted me two reviews. The title applies to her. LOL. Appreciate the virtual six. I'm guessing this gal just enrolled to be in the contest and then after winning, dropped out. Doesn't seem fair somehow. How did you find out who won?
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It was in the news feed at the top of the page on the 8th or the 9th. I entered the competition, so wouldn't like to come across as 'sour grapes' but I just wish a genuine writer from Fan Story had won because it would give us all faith to see someone had secured a publishing contract as a result of what they'd learnt here. It kind of imparts the message that we're all deluded to even think we should try because the winner didn't even comply with the rules that we were told would cause instant elimination.
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My internet was down for a day. That's why I missed it. I'm surprised all those who entered didn't make a fuss. What rule did she break? It certainly sends the wrong message.
Comment from michaelcahill
It was beyond my comprehension that you could possibly have written something that would warrant a three! I can see I was correct. This is really smooth and easy to read. You manage to interject his thoughts seamlessly into the events going on. The back story unfold with the actual story. The ending is excellent. It's surprising, but you did give a little foreshadowing along the way. A great killer that is sympathetic in many ways. That draws the reader totally in, we're concerned maybe even though we wish we weren't. Well, great stuff. A three? You've got to be kidding! mikey
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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It was beyond my comprehension that you could possibly have written something that would warrant a three! I can see I was correct. This is really smooth and easy to read. You manage to interject his thoughts seamlessly into the events going on. The back story unfold with the actual story. The ending is excellent. It's surprising, but you did give a little foreshadowing along the way. A great killer that is sympathetic in many ways. That draws the reader totally in, we're concerned maybe even though we wish we weren't. Well, great stuff. A three? You've got to be kidding! mikey
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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Aw geez whiz, mikey. Thank you so much for reinforcing my personal beliefs. LOL
Comment from jean valli
The story broke away from 'the fat man' he was meant to kill. I found it a bit confusing, coming back to the same man it wasn't made clear enough, for me, that it was in fact, the Same man.
Also, it said that he didn't know if he could kill somebody who hadn't done anything to him, but it also said this was his second kill...? Implying that the Other hit Had done something to him. But possibly the first kill was his stepfather?
I thought of 'a professional assassination' when using that term - A Kill. Maybe saying the second person he'd ever killed...? That would have made it clear for me.
There's quite a lot of telling instead of showing and an awful lot is covered in a few words. Maybe too much?
There is a lot of feeling and scary details that make it a story that you can understand the motivation behind the protagonist's actions. This is very important. It helps the reader identify with your character.
In the way of Showing - scenes like him denying his mother her pain pills would be really good. An actual Scene, instead of just a brief account of this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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The story broke away from 'the fat man' he was meant to kill. I found it a bit confusing, coming back to the same man it wasn't made clear enough, for me, that it was in fact, the Same man.
Also, it said that he didn't know if he could kill somebody who hadn't done anything to him, but it also said this was his second kill...? Implying that the Other hit Had done something to him. But possibly the first kill was his stepfather?
I thought of 'a professional assassination' when using that term - A Kill. Maybe saying the second person he'd ever killed...? That would have made it clear for me.
There's quite a lot of telling instead of showing and an awful lot is covered in a few words. Maybe too much?
There is a lot of feeling and scary details that make it a story that you can understand the motivation behind the protagonist's actions. This is very important. It helps the reader identify with your character.
In the way of Showing - scenes like him denying his mother her pain pills would be really good. An actual Scene, instead of just a brief account of this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2014
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Wow! You dug way back for this one. I read it again and still thought it excellent. However, I did see where one paragraph could be confusing:
The hit man had been five when his father died by lethal injection. When he turned sixteen, he beat the stepdad to death in a fist fight...
I would agree that it could use some fine tuning. I don't think the average writer could do this well. But then, I'm kind of prejudiced. :-)
Comment from taychr
This is a wonderful short story with a nice surprise ending. In addition to moving the story along, the inner dialogue the boy has helps to explain why the boy becomes a vigilante. It's ironic how the boy had no compassion for his mom and let her die but had compassion for a complete stranger. I see that all the time; so called friends and family treat strangers so much better. It seems like deep down the boy does not have what it takes to be a vigilante. I could definitely see a continuation to this story. Maybe the boy realizes it's not for him and chooses another profession. Or maybe he strengthens his resolve and becomes the best vigilante since Charles Bronson.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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This is a wonderful short story with a nice surprise ending. In addition to moving the story along, the inner dialogue the boy has helps to explain why the boy becomes a vigilante. It's ironic how the boy had no compassion for his mom and let her die but had compassion for a complete stranger. I see that all the time; so called friends and family treat strangers so much better. It seems like deep down the boy does not have what it takes to be a vigilante. I could definitely see a continuation to this story. Maybe the boy realizes it's not for him and chooses another profession. Or maybe he strengthens his resolve and becomes the best vigilante since Charles Bronson.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Thank you so much for digging way back in my files and then giving me an exceptional rating. I love the in depth review and insightful analysis of the boy.
Comment from w0manp0et
Hi Shari,
This is an intense story. I don't see one unnecessary word--well done! I like the way you incorporate so much information in such a short story, and the way you tie it all together and then give us a satisfactory conclusion.
You'll do well in the contest, Shari. Thanks for sharing!
Write on,
WP
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Hi Shari,
This is an intense story. I don't see one unnecessary word--well done! I like the way you incorporate so much information in such a short story, and the way you tie it all together and then give us a satisfactory conclusion.
You'll do well in the contest, Shari. Thanks for sharing!
Write on,
WP
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
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Wow! A six and a very complimentary review from one who herself is a fine writer. Thanks for you good wishes. Shari
Comment from Tonulak
Dear Shari,
You're right! this was a masterpiece:) I liked how you tied the killer's childhood to the child. this was really raw and powerful; no holds barred. Just fantastic. I have one little moment here that might be tweaked. "He would pay five grand..." this is boarderline, as the previous sentence said the suit that hired him...I'd change this to "he would get...", as "he would pay...for me reflected back to Pete. Am I being clear? Super. Looks like a winner--Ted
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Dear Shari,
You're right! this was a masterpiece:) I liked how you tied the killer's childhood to the child. this was really raw and powerful; no holds barred. Just fantastic. I have one little moment here that might be tweaked. "He would pay five grand..." this is boarderline, as the previous sentence said the suit that hired him...I'd change this to "he would get...", as "he would pay...for me reflected back to Pete. Am I being clear? Super. Looks like a winner--Ted
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Ted. I've received a lot of good suggestions to bring this to perfection. I see your point and made the change. Love getting another six-- now you can hand out fives to me for the next month. LOL
Hey, the new ranking are a benefit to you. Hope to see you in the top ten before long.
Love ya,
Shari
Comment from Sally Carter
A very good story, Shari.
Clever telling of the back story that brought the man to where he now is. I like the effective interspersing of thoughts and remembered words. An interesting character - decided on taking out those who harm others, yet reluctant to do so until confronted with the ugliness of his crimes. A complex mix of good and bad.
I also liked the sweat/piss confusion and the recollection of his nick name.
The only line I didn't find very convincing was the one where the child is audibly praying. I can see why you used the device, but this felt to me like a random attack. If it were his own child he would surely abuse him at home. And if it were a random attack, I would be surprised if this child would have the presence of mind to say such a calm prayer.
An interesting question about divine intervention, which personally I don't buy into, but I'm sure plenty do.
Exciting story telling!
Best wishes
Sally
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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A very good story, Shari.
Clever telling of the back story that brought the man to where he now is. I like the effective interspersing of thoughts and remembered words. An interesting character - decided on taking out those who harm others, yet reluctant to do so until confronted with the ugliness of his crimes. A complex mix of good and bad.
I also liked the sweat/piss confusion and the recollection of his nick name.
The only line I didn't find very convincing was the one where the child is audibly praying. I can see why you used the device, but this felt to me like a random attack. If it were his own child he would surely abuse him at home. And if it were a random attack, I would be surprised if this child would have the presence of mind to say such a calm prayer.
An interesting question about divine intervention, which personally I don't buy into, but I'm sure plenty do.
Exciting story telling!
Best wishes
Sally
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Sally. I'll have to think about that. Guess I watch too much Hallmark stories. LOL
Shari
Comment from BethShelby
Good flash fiction. I like the switch at the end where the evil man dies without the shooter having to take his life. The conclusion that maybe God exist after all is a good way for the story to end.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Good flash fiction. I like the switch at the end where the evil man dies without the shooter having to take his life. The conclusion that maybe God exist after all is a good way for the story to end.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Thanks, Beth. I always enjoy your reviews.
Hugs,
Shari
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Bravo, an absolutely riveting story. In a world where little children are so abused you have aced the wrath of God. Some offenders will not get their just due here on Earth but I would not want to be in their shoes on Judgment day. I applaud your story. He got his sooner, and will get more, later. Good job, fiction but oh so true. Carolyn
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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Bravo, an absolutely riveting story. In a world where little children are so abused you have aced the wrath of God. Some offenders will not get their just due here on Earth but I would not want to be in their shoes on Judgment day. I applaud your story. He got his sooner, and will get more, later. Good job, fiction but oh so true. Carolyn
Comment Written 15-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2013
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What a great review! Thanks, Carolyn.
Comment from jjstar
Jesus, Mary AND Joseph. I'd love to know what triggered (no pun intended)this. You have nailed this one. What strong, bold language and thoughts. As far as I'm concerned it's a masterpiece. I adore stories of divine intervention and as far as I'm concerned, this is the best I've ever read! The sniper doesn't have to pull the trigger but gets dead anyway!
Woot woot!Perfect! Ya know I'm not going to be able to six you for awhile now? Hate that!
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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Jesus, Mary AND Joseph. I'd love to know what triggered (no pun intended)this. You have nailed this one. What strong, bold language and thoughts. As far as I'm concerned it's a masterpiece. I adore stories of divine intervention and as far as I'm concerned, this is the best I've ever read! The sniper doesn't have to pull the trigger but gets dead anyway!
Woot woot!Perfect! Ya know I'm not going to be able to six you for awhile now? Hate that!
Comment Written 14-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2013
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JJ, how good your review makes me feel. Thanks too for the sixer.
Maybe I'll finally win a contest. As for the trigger--divine intervention again. LOL
