Susie sat cross-legged on her couch, staring into the dark living room.
The words of the song she'd once loved so much - “Trusting the Angels”* came from the radio. Clenching her fists tighter, she refused to allow the song to soothe her aching heart.
Trust the angels indeed. I don't want to feel anymore. God knows, I can't even sleep.
Every night, the nightmare came. It never changed - not one scene. First, she would see Toby, all smiles, blond hair shining in the sunlight. He slowly turned to face her. She waved, grinning at the sight of his little round face, beaming with love. Holding out his chubby arms, he ran to her. The truck appeared and her smile turned to a scream. She tried to stop him - too late. Screeching brakes. A tiny body flying through the air like a rag doll.
The scenes fused together in her mind, and spun, one after the other. Toby's soft blue eyes, as she'd held his crushed body, before he lost consciousness. No fear, just confusion and trust. She'd held him like a fragile, china doll, telling him the doctors would make him better. He whispered “Mommy, look! Look at all the angels-- ” and went limp in her arms.
She'd started screaming for help. It didn't come. Instead, the darkness crept over her soul, and never left.
In the days and weeks following his “accident”, many people came to visit her. She still remembered everything they said. Her silent replies would have sucked the words right out of their mouths if they'd been able to hear her thoughts.
“Just think how lucky he is. He's with Jesus now.”
Lucky? I don't think it's lucky watching your child die in your arms.
“God is teaching you a lesson through all this.”
Oh really? I wonder what He intends to teach you.
“Did you really think God would let your sin go un-punished?”
So, my little boy being born out of wedlock bothers you and now you think God is punishing me? You hypocrite!
“If there's anything we can do, just call. We would do anything to help.”
Anything? I don't suppose you can bring him back? That would help.
Time dragged on, and people said she needed to “get on with her life.” She wanted to shake them and scream, “Don't you understand? He was my life.”
She didn't mean to blame God, but the feelings came. She couldn't forget the conversation she'd had with Toby two days before the accident.
“Mommy, does it hurt to die?” he'd asked her. They'd talked about heaven and how wonderful it would be to go there. Two days later, he was dead.
What a cruel joke. Do you hear me, God? You're cruel!
Jackie's words still echoed in her head. The self-proclaimed prophet came to her after the funeral. “God is angry at you! How dare you question His will? He gave you Toby and He had every right to take him away.
Susie shuddered and her gaze rested on a tall bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter. She walked across the room, grabbing it by the neck. Drunk. I need to get drunk. It's the only time I don't see his face. The only time I don't hear his screams or mine.
She took a long swig from the bottle, enjoying the burning sensation in her throat. Pain felt good. Another drink and then another. Leaning over the sink, she pondered her own tortured reflection in the cold stainless steel. Then she heard it - the insidious voice speaking without emotion to her whiskey-soaked mind.
“Why do you care if you live? Toby is gone. Here is your chance to join him again. Look at all the pain you suffered. Does God care? Does anybody really care, Susie? You are all alone in the world.”
Susie peered at her reflection, half expecting to see its mouth moving. The voice continued in a soft hissing narrative.
“Toby misses you. Why don't you go to him? Nobody will even notice.”
She pushed away from the sink, and stared at the bottle in her hand. How difficult would it be? They'd all say it's for the best. Stupid, sinful, Susie. All alone in the world.
Opening the cupboard door, she pulled down a second bottle. Tucking them both under one arm, she staggered back to the living room and sank onto the sofa. With difficulty, she lifted the open bottle to her lips, hand shaking.
God help me.
“Ahem."
Susie's eyes flew open. She stared at the angel, towering over her. Light reflected directly from his clothing, castin a luminous glow across his face.
Now I'm having hallucinations.
Arms folded, the tall angel addressed her, “You asked for help, didn't you?”
“Huh?”
“You asked and God sent me to help you.”
Susie laughed, struggling to focus on the image in front of her. “When did God start caring about my feelings? He didn't care to hear my prayers the night my little boy d-died.”
The angel's voice softened. “God feels your pain and He understands. He knows what it's like to lose a Son, to watch a beloved child suffer. He longs to comfort you. You push Him away each time He tries to draw close to you.”
Susie began to sob. “Why can't I come home? Why can't I be with Toby again? No one cares about me.”
The angel shook his head. "That's not true. He held a finger to his lips and stared at the carpet in the middle of the living room. “Look, Susan, look.”
Susie's mouth fell open as her girlfriend, Anna, appeared in the room.
Anna paced back and forth across her carpet. She held up both hands and began to speak. “Oh, Father God, how can I help her? I loved Toby too. Not as much as she did, of course, but I did love him. I love her too. Please hold her in Your arms. Let her see how much You care, Lord. Show me how to be a better friend to her, Father God. Send your angels to help and comfort her. Give her peace and bring her back to church. We need her, and she needs us.”
Susie's eyes burned with tears. She looked at the angel. “I know she loves me, but so many people hurt me with what they said. I don't know if I can go back.”
The angel nodded and Susie thought she saw a tear glistening in his eye. She looked back to Anna, but she'd vanished.
In her place stood the last person Susie wanted to see. Jackie the hypocrite, knelt on her living room carpet. Arms wrapped around her chest, she rocked back and forth, her mouth forming words barely loud enough to hear.
Then Jackie burst forth, screaming and sobbing.
“How could I have been so blind? Will she ever forgive me? Will You forgive me, God? That sermon tonight - You wanted me to see how blind I've been, didn't you? Where is Johnny now? Is he with a good family?
"I hated seeing Susie with Toby. He looked so much like my little Johnny. But I never wanted her to lose him, not that way. Not at all. The pain tears you apart inside when you lose a child, even to adoption. They told me I was wicked, sinful and soiled. They told me You would never accept me.
"I've been so foolish. Will she never forgive me? How can I let her know how sorry I am?”
“She lost a baby too?” Susie asked the angel.
“To adoption, when having a baby out of wedlock meant you'd committed a heinous crime. When she returned to her family, they forbid her to ever speak of him. They tore the baby from her arms in the hospital, and sent him to live with another family in a neighboring town. Jackie thought she saw him, and she was right. She took a job nearby so she could watch over him from a distance. When the family realized she knew the boy's real identity, they moved. She lost him twice.”
“No wonder she's so angry all the time,” Susie said.
Jackie vanished and another vision appeared.
This time, a hospital bed sat in front of them. A tiny figure lay in the bed, connected to tubes, a machine breathing for him.
Two people stood by the bed, waiting.
“I didn't have to wait,” Susie said. “Toby died in my arms.”
The woman in front of her spoke. “What's that woman's name, the one who lost her little boy?”
The man didn't look up but continued to stroke the child's hair. “Susie, I think.”
“That's right, Susie. She came to Bible Study once.”
“She doesn't come to church anymore.”
The woman stepped up and kissed her child's forehead. “Why?”
“Pastor told me he tried to call her, but she wouldn't answer the phone. People told her she should forget about the accident and go on, I know that much.” He placed his arm around his wife's shoulder.
“Like she could ever forget. We must pray for her,” the woman said.
The parents held hands and the man began to pray.
“Father God, we come before You now, in Jesus Name. You have told us every life is precious to You, more precious than we can ever imagine. Please help Susie to understand how much You love her. Help us to know how we can best show Your love to her.”
The vision faded along with the voice.
“Will he live?” Susie asked.
The angel smiled. “Yes, he lives.”
“Thank God.”
“Do you mean that?”
Susie nodded.
The angel threw himself face down on the ground and Susie gasped as she looked up to see Jesus standing before her.
Susie ran into His open arms and He embraced her. For the first time since the accident, she felt no pain. Only the most wonderful love, acceptance and peace.
Jesus began to sing and Jason Upton's voice harmonized from the radio.
“Don't be afraid, baby, don't you cry
Daddy's here, it will be alright
You're not alone – you're not alone
Don't be afraid when you're cold at night
I will keep you warm , I will hold you tight
You're not alone, You're not alone”*
“Do You hold Toby like this, Jesus?”
“Every day, dear-heart, every day.”
“Why can't I come home?”
“Look, child.”
An image formed in front of them. Susie giggled.
“That's Adam, the cute guy from my old church. He got married and had a child, huh? I didn't think he'd ever find the right woman, even though everyone thought he was such a heart-throb.”
Adam held a little boy by the hand and they walked to a park. When they reached the park, the little boy clambered onto a swing. As his father pushed him back and forth, the boy squealed with delight.
Susie sighed. “He's a cutie,” she said.
Jesus smiled and nodded.
Finally, Adam said, “Come now, Adrian. Mama will be waiting for us at home with supper on the table.”
The little boy slipped from the swing and his father swept him up into his arms.
“I love Mama so much.”
“Me too,” Adam replied.
They left the park and the vision faded once more. Susie looked up at Jesus.
“He looks like Toby.”
“Of course he does. Adrian is your future son.”
Jesus stood and kissed her forehead. “There is someone at your door, precious child. Let him in to your life and you will know great joy once more. I must go now. Toby is waiting for Me.”
Susie sat alone in the room.
A loud knock at her door startled her and she jumped, heart thumping against her ribs at the sound of the familiar voice filling her living room for the second time that evening.
“Susie? Are you in there? It's Adam. From church. Pastor and I have come to talk to you,” he shouted. “Please let us in. God sent us.”
Susie stood and walked to the door, as the song on the radio echoed behind her.
“You're not alone, you're not alone.”*
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