The storm seemed to be gaining in it's intensity as the wind howled outside. Sarah could have sworn it was howling in frustration as it tried to enter her home.
In the background Christmas music gallantly battled against the sound of the wind, but she wondered just how "rested" those merry gentlemen would have felt on a night like this one.
The cold chilled her to the bottom of her soul despite the heat from the fire crackling brightly in the living room fireplace.
The heart pounding in her chest seemed certain to burst from the pain...but it never did.
Turning from the window, she let the curtain fall against the wooden frame.
A year ago tonight since he left her and no amount of mental willpower stopped that scene from playing over and over in her mind.
In the course of one hour, her entire life had dissolved as easily as the teaspoon of sugar in the coffee she had left sitting to grow cold as he started to speak and told her he was leaving.
They'd sat like awkward kids at opposite ends of the couch, the twinkling lights of their Christmas tree reflecting off the piles of colorfully wrapped gifts so happily placed there just moments before he arrived home.
The shame and disbelief was almost easy to bear compared to the revelation that he'd been seeing the other woman for almost two years.
She grasped at hope, and reached out to touch him but he eased away from her as though she were some dangerous creature....not to be touched or trusted. Finally she asked him one question - why?
It went unanswered like the cry for love in her heart and he would not look in her eyes again.
She'd begged him not to go. Not on Christmas Eve. For the sake of the children, she'd pleaded for just one more day.
He had mumbled something about being afraid he would change his mind and walked out the door.
That night she had cried out to God for a miracle. It never came. He did not return.
Life became a struggle to exist. Somehow she found the strength to be both mother and father to two small children, hold down a job and keep up the house. Her friends were sympathetic but she found herself slipping away from them, always the odd one out in the midst of the happy couples. If not for the children she might never have gone on.
Her life was one of pain and betrayal from her earliest memories until her 'knight in shining armor' galloped into her life and promised her the world. She told him she didn't want the world, so he promised to love her forever instead.
Slowly her initial reservations had given way to a fragile trust. True love grew from that fragile trust until the night he left her without looking back.
Just after his departure she overheard someone talking one night at church after the evening service.
The words penetrated her heart like flaming arrows as they discussed the reasons they believed he had left her.
Clutching her arms around her chest, she fled from the building, vowing she would never return.
The pastor's wife sent her a few little notes, saying they missed her.
She ignored them and the phone calls and eventually they left her alone.
The children didn't understand her anger or her pain and she didn't expect them too. They enjoyed their visits with Daddy and his new "friend" but she wanted to kill him every time he turned up at the door to take them away from her. Deep down she feared that the day would come when they decided they liked Daddy better and wanted to live with him. She needn't have worried.
The visits grew further and further apart, shorter and shorter. One evening after yet another canceled outing that left the children crying and confused, her little Zachary sat up in bed and asked why Daddy didn't love them anymore? Throwing himself face down onto his pillow, he sobbed himself to sleep and she was unable to comfort him.
Calling a neighbor in to watch the children, she drove right over to his new house and pounded on his door. When he answered rubbing the sleep from his eyes she demanded to know why he wanted to hurt the children as much as he had hurt her?
His reply stunned her. God had forgiven him. He'd moved on with a new life and his girlfriend was now a believer.
If she was truly a Christian she should be happy for them! Why couldn't she just forgive?
Why indeed?
Driving home in silence the numbness crept deeper into her heart. He was right about one thing. She hadn't forgiven him and she never would. Every time she looked at her children....their children....struggling with their new life, she hated him even more, with a bitterness so intense she felt it would strangle her very soul.
Now here it was Christmas Eve once again.
No sparkling piles of presents under the tree this year.
She could barely pay the rent and keep food on the table, much less buy the gifts her two little angels had so sweetly asked Santa for this year at the shopping mall when she took them for haircuts.
"Santa", bless his heart, told the children that while he would do his best, he couldn't make any promises. He added that they should remember what a wonderful gift they had in their mommy.
Emma smiled and nodded but Zach looked away. Her heart ached all the way home.
That night when they arrived home, two envelopes and a flier were sitting in the mailbox. Two were overdue bills and the third was an invitation to a Christmas play at church that very evening. It promised an exciting re-enactment of the birth of Jesus, complete with live camels and donkeys borrowed from the local petting zoo.
A little note from the pastor's wife was handwritten underneath the date, asking her to come, because they loved and missed her.
The performance was entitled "Silent Night."
How original.
Tossing it into the trash along with the carrot peelings, she wondering where they would put a live camel and who would clean up the mess, but it sparked no desire to attend.
"I'm through with the church and with God," she told the trashcan.
Where had He been when she needed Him the most and where was He now? The pastor's wife might miss her but of this much she was certain...God wouldn't. I'm too tired to even think about going anywhere.
The lights flickered twice and without further warning the entire house was plunged into darkness.
She waited, hoping for a quick return to power, but after a few long seconds, she sighed and made her way to the kitchen, groping along the side of the bench until she found the drawer with the flashlight. Flipping it on, she headed to the front door.
The wind was howling louder than ever and she hesitated, looking over her shoulder as she had done a thousand times - expecting to see him striding toward the door to take care of whatever problem there was at hand. Once more the churning plunge of her stomach reminded her - he would never be there for her again.
Cursing, she yanked her old coat down from its hook and thrust her arms into the sleeves. Damn him and his religion. It's all a lie.
She tugged the old door open. A barrage of sleety rain hit her full in the face. One hand over her eyes she struggled onto the porch, fighting the wind to shut it behind her. She could just barely make out the little lantern in her front yard swinging on it's pole.
Looking across the empty field that stretched away at the end of her lane, her neighbor's lights glowing.
"Damn it, that means it's my house," she muttered.
Clutching her coat, she started down the steps and from the corner of her eye just caught the sight of a huge branch tearing itself free from the old pine tree in her front yard.
Flinging her arms up, she tried to duck, as the branch hurtled towards her. Her feet slipped and she fell to the ground, the branch landing squarely on top of her like a hunter claiming it's prey.
"Are you alright?" a man's voice said.
She felt the branch lifting away and she took his offered hand.
"Yes I think so," she replied, trying to see her rescuer clearly through the driving wind and rain.
She didn't know him, although the mailman had mentioned someone new moving in down the road. But why was he out in this storm?
A thousand thoughts ran through her head but he seemed to sense she was wondering.
"I'm new to the neighborhood. Moved here last week. I was going by and saw your lights go off, so figured I'd check and see if everything was okay." he said.
"Well, thank you. I don't know how I can..."
"Look out!" Grabbing her by the arm he flung her sideways as an even larger branch tore loose and flew over their heads.
"Get back inside! I'll fix the electricity!" he shouted as the wind reached a new frenzied pitch.
"Okay!" She ran back up the steps as he vanished around the corner.
As she reached the door he reappeared and waved.
"Thanks for the help!" she yelled.
"That's okay! God said you needed some!" he replied, and turning back down her driveway he disappeared into the storm.
She slipped inside and bolted the door. Peering through the glass side panel she noticed that the wind had died down and as she watched, the rain eased to a light drizzle.
"Oh sure. Now it quits."
Shivering, she threw several large logs onto the dying fire before she peeled off her wet coat and dropped it onto the tiles by the door. Her arm stung from scratches and her head was aching. She didn't remember hitting it, but when her fingers searched through her hair, she found a small swollen lump.
Time to change into some dry clothes and take some aspirin. A stiff drink wouldn't go astray either.
Then she could sit up all night and watch the fire die.
It suited her mood.
"Mama?"
Zach was standing in the hallway rubbing his eyes.
"You're all wet and muddy. I heard the door bang." he said.
"Oh honey, it's okay. I had to go out and turn the lights back on. The storm made them go off and I went out in the rain to..."
She hesitated, not sure how much she should say.
"I know and then Michael came and helped you. I saw him out of my bedroom window. I wondered where he was."
"Michael? What are you talking about sweetheart?"
"My angel Michael. He comes and visits me and talks to me about Daddy."
She felt her stomach knotting as she walked over and knelt by her son.
"Honey, I know you miss Daddy. I want you to understand that..."
"It's alright Mommy. I'm not mad at Daddy anymore. Michael explained it to me and ..."
Zachary paused and stared past her.
"Hello Michael. I knew you would come back."
She spun around and stared at the stranger who had vanished into the pouring rain just moments before. His clothes were clean and dry and the fear that had immediately flooded every inch of her dissolved as she saw him look at her son with a tenderness in his eyes she could barely comprehend.
"I'm going to talk with your Mommy now for a while," the man said.
"Okay Michael!" Zachary's grin was wide and his eyes sparkled.
He ran up to the stranger and hugged him before running back down the hall.
She stood facing him alone.
"Would you mind explaining to me what is going on here?" she stammered.
"Please do not fear me. I told you outside that the Lord sent me to help you. When Zachary began to tell you about me, I knew I needed to come right back and explain."
"I'm losing it," she said, sinking back down onto the sofa. She was still in her wet clothes but this was so surreal she was past caring.
"You are not hallucinating, " he remarked.
"Then kindly stop reading my mind and leave me alone! God, I can't believe this is happening!"
"It is happening and I'm not the one who can read your mind. God tells me what you are thinking."
She shrugged her shoulders and laughed.
"Oh of course He does! Well, God and I haven't been too close lately. I'm surprised He cares to know."
Michael walked over and touched her arm.
"He sees the tears in your heart right now. He cares about you so much. You may have given up on God but He has never given up on you. Your bitterness is destroying you and it is hurting your children."
Sarah laughed again even as hot tears welled in her eyes.
"Tell me something I don't already know."
She looked up at the angel.
"You can tell God that I am not worth His time. I am a failure as a wife, as a mother, a daughter and a friend."
Michael folded his arms and frowned but he didn't answer.
She stared up at him, deciding he must stand seven feet tall. She felt like a defiant child facing an angry parent.
"It's the truth," she whispered, her eyes blinking fiercely, despite her efforts not to cry.
His voice softened.
"You only fail when you quit trying. Come, please. I have something to show you."
He pointed to the window.
She opened her mouth to refuse but the protest forming on her lips faded away.
The window vanished, and they were standing together outside her home in a quiet field. A million stars blanketed the sparkling night sky.
The storm was gone.
"Come quickly, we must hurry," he urged.
Without a word she followed him through the field and the corn stubble until they could see the lights of the town in the distance.
As she stumbled over the rough ground, she began to feel anticipation and excitement that filled the very air she breathed.
It was as though she were a small child again, waiting for that birthday party to begin...as though she had just picked out a brand new doll, or was cuddling a sweet smelling milky breath puppy.
Running to keep up with the angel's long strides, she tugged at his sleeve, gasping for breath.
"Where are we going?"
He looked down and her heart skipped a beat as she saw that his eyes were shining with excitement.
"Look up! Can you see what we are following?"
She followed his gaze and there it was....shining brighter than the sun it seemed.
"The star! It's beautiful! But why is it so bright? "
"Shh." Michael replied, slowing to a walk.
She looked around.
"Oh for heaven's sake, they did bring camels!"
They were standing at the play site, complete with wise men, shepherds and an amazing assortment of livestock. She smiled as a cute little boy not much older than Zachary walked by herding a small flock of sheep. The costumes were marvelous.
The dim flickering light of oil filled lanterns held by yet more actors in costume added to the atmosphere. They had certainly gone to a great deal of trouble.
"What about the rest of the people?" she asked,noticing that they seemed to be the only bystanders. He took her by the arm and led her closer to the small stable.
"They can't see us," he said.
"No I mean the people to watch the play....oh!" and she jumped sideways to avoid being hit by the swinging saddlebags of the camel who was kneeling right beside her.
A man dressed in flowing robes dismounted and began to speak.
She looked at Michael in disbelief. The language was strange and yet the excitement in his voice unmistakable.
"It's not the play, is it?"
Michael smiled and shook his head.
They watched as more people arrived and the oxen lowed softly as if welcoming them.
She gripped the angel's hand tightly as he led her into the crude shelter and they approached a roughly hewn cattle manger.
A man and a young woman hovered over the manger, nervously welcoming their visitors as if perplexed by all the interest in their infant child. In amazement she watched as one king after another placed their gifts before the newborn child who lay quietly awake in the manger. Even as the shepherds moved forward to see the baby, their flocks stood calmly outside.
She looked at the animals.
"They know somehow."
"Yes."
"Can I get closer?"
"Yes but hurry. Our time is running short. Soon the window will close."
Slipping around a shepherd boy, she strained over a kneeling king to see the baby Jesus.
The king moved and she crept in as close as she dared to the manger.
He was beautiful...the perfect infant child....the King of Kings....the Son of Man.....the great I AM...."
"Oh how could I ever be worthy of your gift?" she whispered, shutting her eyes.
Sarah....I love you.
Her eyes flew open. Baby Jesus was looking right at her.
Sarah I will never leave you or forsake you.
His gaze remained steady upon her. The love in those deep, beautiful infant eyes was beyond her comprehension, yet she knew that He knew her.
He knew her name.
He knew everything about her and she would not be born for another two thousand years.
"How could you love me Jesus?" she asked silently with the desperation of one so long unloved.
How could I not? the baby replied to her heart, without making a sound. His tender eyes never left her.
You are my precious child Sarah....never doubt that I love you.
For what seemed like an eternity the wounded heart and the infant King of Kings exchanged gazes.
She felt a touch on her shoulder.
"Come Sarah. We must leave now."
The scene began to fade.
I am always with you....child of My heart.
Michael took her hand and she had no choice but to follow him as the stable and all of it's occupants began to disappear into a misty swirl. She didn't want to leave Him.
"Mommy! Mommy!" The voice was insistent and loud.
She opened her eyes. She was kneeling by her couch. The fire was out and Zachary and Emma were standing beside her, shaking her with tender little hands.
"You fell asleep praying Mommy! Look! It's Christmas morning!"
"Oh kids! I had the strangest dream!" she said, as she kissed them both good morning.
Sarah looked out the kitchen window. The sun was shining through the glass, sending little prisms of rainbow light through the stained glass ornament the children had hung there but her heart sank. She had meant to drive to the store last night before she fell asleep and get them a little something for Christmas but now what? All she remembered was sitting down on the couch by the fire after the power had gone back on and then? Then she wasn't sure! It had seemed so real but was it?
"Oh kids, I'm so sorry. Mommy wanted to get you the things you asked for but..."
Three year old Emma ran over to the tree.
"Look Mommy!"
She stared in disbelief at the beautifully wrapped gifts that lay beneath the tree.
Emma was climbing onto a small pink bike with training wheels.
A shiny red fire engine with silver wheels sat beside it.
Zachary took her hand and led her over to the tree.
"Mommy, these presents aren't from you or Santa!
The tags say Love from Jesus. A lady brought them to our door this morning and left them there. I knew Jesus loved us!" he exclaimed.
Sarah hugged both the children tightly.
"Yes He does, but His love isn't about these kinds of gifts you know. He gave us the greatest gift ever, when He died on the cross for us."
"We know Mommy. That's why we asked God to help you not to be so sad anymore," Emma replied. Sarah smiled as tears welled in her eyes.
"He did honey. He did."
Sarah drew them both closer and they sat on the couch together, snuggled up close to her.
She could still see Him as clearly as ever when she closed her eyes.
The look in His beautiful eyes, where she had at last found her peace and He would never leave her.
She hoped her children would not forget this Christmas.
She looked down at her children.
"Come on....let's get ready for church! It's Jesus' birthday you know!"
It wouldn't be easy finding the forgiveness for their father in her heart, but the tender love of Jesus had taken root and begun to grow there in place of her pain, slowly erasing the scars.
As the children ran to get ready she stood and walked slowly to the door. She needed to start the car and get it warmed up.
Even with the sun shining it was still a chilly morning out there.
A tall angel stood outside the window and watched as Jesus rose and walked beside her to the door.
"Glory," he said.
Turning, he hurried through the yard, down the lane and around the corner, with the long strides of someone on a mission.
The Lord is close to the broken hearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (New Living Translation)
Share your own writing!
You need to